So scared of falling out of love - HELP pleaseee :(

jmm84 · Post by **jmm84** » Mon Jul 07, 2008 7:43 am

I can completely relate to all this boyfriend love stuff. I've been with a guy for about a year and a half, and everything was PERFECT for the first year or so. I mean PERFECT. So perfect, I moved away from my family and friends to be with him. But then, of course, my anxiety came back. Then my mom became severely ill, and has since passed away. It's been about a month since she passed. I have the weirdest feelings toward my boyfriend, like our connection has been cut off. And I feel like if none of this craziness would have happened in my life, we would still be just as good as we were before it all happened. And now I just feel like we are about to fall apart. I just don't feel like I can be a girlfriend at this point in my life. But then I'm afraid if I end the relationship to focus on getting myself better with the anxiety and grieving, I will have messed up what could have been a wonderful relationship. SO I completely know what all of you are talking about with this love thing. I'm right in the middle of it myself.

I've been on this forum before, and am trying to go through the program "right" this time...it's my second time around. But the first time, I don't think I put as much into it as I could have.

So...those of you who are questioning your feelings for someone out of anxiety, I know exactly what you mean!

Shelly9 · Post by **Shelly9** » Fri Jul 18, 2008 11:21 am

Im going thru this again right now and i have no idea how to control it... im like going crazy right now... everytime i try to change my negative thought into a positive i dont seem to be able to believe it. I seriously dont know how to deal with it. My thoughts that run in my head is, "do i love him" "do i want to be with him" "what if he's cheating on me" "why am i feeling axious only around him" and so on... then i keep wondering why am i thinking this. So like i mentioned i try to change my negative thought to positive. For example i tell myself... well when we fought two months ago and the relationship did end why didnt i keep it that way... why did i beg him back into my life and want him so bad.

Oh and now i even have thoughts like im only with him because of the kids and all... gosh its so hard for me right now... i could hardly look at him right now.... theres times when i am with him i just want to be in his arms and cuddle and there are times when my mind starts raceing and i just want to be miles and miles away from him...
I am seriously so confused...

FrancesL · Post by **FrancesL** » Fri Jul 18, 2008 4:49 pm

Well this is an interesting topic to say the least. Being afraid of not loving the person you love. Let me just encourage you all that everyone, even people without the anxiety rollercoaster sometimes don't FEEL like they are in love with their spouse. If you are with someone long enough, you can pretty much expect this. There is nothing wrong with that. Love is not a feeling, it is a decision. When I was really bad with agoraphobia and panic disorder I was in a relationship with a guy for about a year and a half. We were off and on. He was a great guy, but I was never in love with him. He was a good friend, and I was so screwed up with the anxiety that I NEEDED him. Sometimes I even thought that I loved him, mostly when the anxiety was so bad and I appreciated his help because he got me and was my safe person. First you should ask yourself if you are only with this person because you are scared to be alone. IF THE ONLY TIME you have feelings for them is when the anxiety is really bad and they help relieve it, perhaps you are just holding on to something comfortable as a crutch. You should also ask yourself what it is you love about this person, WHY do you love them? Do you love them even when you don't need them? Well, if you do then that is a positive. This anxiety issue is all due to the the thoughts in our heads, that produce feelings. You can feel a million different ways about the same situation in one week. Feelings are not reality...we especially should know this all too well. Perhaps to ease some of the anxiety is to talk to someone you trust that has been married many years...I'm sure they will reassure you that you don't always feel IN LOVE. That is an unrealistic expectation and unrealistic expectations can cause a marriage/relationship to fail. You don't have to worry about falling out of love with someone. If you can fall in love with someone once, you can do it again. I think you will fall in and out of love over the years, but will only enjoy the experience of TRUE love and that relationship if you DECIDE to love the person. The way you fall in love is to just focus on all the great things about them. Write these things down if you have to. Tell them out load all these great things and how much you appreciate them to reinforce this. Purposely take time every day to think of all these special things, and intimate moments with them. Feelings will follow whatever you decide to think about and focus on...they eventually fall in line. Again, true love is a decision...otherwise you don't love a person at all...you are just following whatever fleating emotion you are feeling at the time. There is nothing to be worried about.

Denise Gibbons · Post by **Denise Gibbons** » Fri Jul 18, 2008 5:36 pm

FrancesL:
That is a very good post; a very accurate explanation about loving.
I hope it helps Shelly9.

I could not have put those truths into those helpful words. You did a very good job of it.
Mary Jane

Shelly9 · Post by **Shelly9** » Sat Jul 19, 2008 6:00 am

FrancesL and Cornflower

Thank you for your reply. it really helps reknowing someone out there understands. FrancesL your post is so wonderful im pretty sure your right. I wrote down so much reason i love my fiance and my thoughts were just thoughts. It must had been just my anxiety... Thanxs again for your help...

LovePhob · Post by **LovePhob** » Thu Jul 24, 2008 3:16 am

Wow! I'm so glad I found this post. I'm having a really hard time, been through tons of changes over the past month (won't bore you with the details, but you can see my Complete Meltdown Happing post on the depression board).

You know how w/ panic or generalized anxiety, you connect events and emotions. So if you had a panic attack while driving, you suddenly become scared of driving.

I'm making that same association with my husband. We're doing things that make me anxious as a couple (like moving and buying a house), so I think I'm starting to associate him with my anxiety and become fearful that I'll run away from the relationship. My husband is a wonderful man, in many ways (because of my self esteem issues) I feel like I don't deserve him. I had a breakdown last week and then hadn't cried since Saturday, but last night the tears started flowing again and began again this morning. I even cried through the relaxation tape. I am so frustrated with this, and sad for myse;f and my husband. I start "what if"ing abuot leaving all the time and feel the pain and guilt that I'll hurt my family and him. And then get scared that I'll be alone, because if start running, i probably won't stop...These thoughts are ruining my life.

Shelly9 · Post by **Shelly9** » Fri Aug 01, 2008 3:08 pm

ANY ONE ELSE SUFFERING FROM THIS STILL.... i thought it went away but then its back again and its much worst... i feel so anxious around my boufriend, like nervous, heart pounding, scared, and teary, like heart broken.... I seriously dont know what to do n e more. I talked to him about it and i know its hurting him. and its hurting me that im hurting him. COULD SOME ONE PLEASE HELP ME... I am so depressed right now because of all this... if you read my earlier post then you would know how bad im suffering... It sound really ridicoulous to me and it seems like its not a common thing but i read all the past post and i guess u all went thru this. If you got over it already please tell me how u did it.... The positive thinking is so hard for me cuz he keeps on going back to the negative. I am working the program and trying to take it seriously now but it even makes me anxious... GOSH i want my life back

Lollipop · Post by **Lollipop** » Wed Aug 06, 2008 7:18 am

Hi Shelly,

I know what you are going through, I had the same thing. I hate to recommend medication, but it helped me so tremendously. I went through the program and noticed that I didn't have a lot of the self esteem and negative attitude issues that were addressed. My anxiety and depression came from a hormonal switch up, so I chemically had something wrong with me. I would cry out of nowhere and not feel love anymore. I felt like all of the joy had been taken out of my life and everything I used to enjoy just made me nervous for some reason...I couldn't understand it! Well I finally looked into Lexapro, and my doctor said that it would probably help. OMG was she right. I feel like my life is back. Im so happy again and I feel all of the love in my life again. You also have to use the very laid back "whatever" approach when you have the thoughts and stuff. Getting worked up about it all only makes it worse. And the fact that you want it to go away sooo bad (I don't blame you, I did too) but it becomes all you can think about until it just exhausts you. So if you get to a point where you feel like you just need some help to use the tools with a clear mind, it can really help.

niki♥ · Post by **niki♥** » Wed Sep 17, 2008 7:45 am

so i'm practically going through the same thing, and i am extremely glad to hear that i am not the only one. i told my boyfriend all of my feelings and he got scared which in return got me scared. I know i love him and i cant picture myself with anyone but him. We have alot of stress in our lives right now for instance with me i have past history with sexual abuse that has hit me rlly hard right now, i went to a new school at the beginning of the school yr and my boyfriend told me he was scared that i wud fall 4 sum1 else and ik i wudnt but then i got scared i wud, i was so scared i went back 2 my old school and dropped out of a college program becuz of it (which i changed my major from security to sining,) i have my emotional and crazy ideas to deal with now...on top of that becuz we've been dating for almost 6 months (this upcoming sunday)i've gotten more comfortable with him so now i look at other guys and im like "oh their ok looking i guess" but i wud nevr date them, dating them wud feel wrong, and then i have this habit of ignoring him and not listening to him not on purpose but becuz im so focused on what i was thinking, i also promise him alot of things that i can never seem to keep and that makes me feel like crap really. and other times i lie to him becuz im afraid of what he'll think of me, i've told him everything now but last week i was feeling so guilty about everything little thing i poured my heart out 2 him even though most of the stuff wasnt even a big deal. what he's going through right now is that he's a senior in highschool but is taking college courses which puts alot of stress on him, he has anger issues but ik he loves me 2 death becuz he's only mean to me when he's mad, but he always makes it up in the end, he's homeschooled and he has a very stressful job at mcdonalds, plus on top of that we live about 40 minutes away from each other, he can drive but i can't and his car doesnt get alot of MPG but i have a job now so i help him with that. WE were fine up until i started going 2 the new school and the 2nd day my emotions began 2 spiral down, i've been getting better with it though, he's helpd me alot but in return it puts alot of stress on him. i try 2 ignore it and its been going away but it still doesnt help me ignore the fact on my thoughts. i think its from anxiety cuz as soon as i got scared and nervous my thoughts went all crazy on me. I'm going 2 counseling about everythings thats happened to me. and i hope that'll work. i cant imagine life with n e one else besides him. we've been fighting alot lately like every 3 days but then we make it up and its amazing again, i just really hope its from anxiety and that's what i chose to believe, i wish everyone the best of luck

Shelly9 · Post by **Shelly9** » Fri Sep 19, 2008 12:42 pm

I'm back suffering on this and now its much worst.... since September 10th i have been much more anxious around my hubby. Everytime he comes home around 9:30 or 10 i start getting this major headache and my heart starts pounding and i have trouble breathing. Its crazy cuz the whole day while he is at work i feel totatly normal. I do not know how to deal with this n e more. i keep trying to think positive but the negatives keep pushing it away. I am so confused and i feel like im going crazy...