crazy cakes

crazy cakes · Post by **crazy cakes** » Sun Jun 01, 2008 9:04 am

it is so refreshing to read all your stories and it does make me feel a little better.

My problem began when i had my baby girl in June last year. She was 5 weeks early and i had to have a C section which i really didn't want. After about a week i started having these really disturbing sick thoughts of what horrible people do to children and then i was questioning myself thinking i would never hurt her would i? I was also getting horrible images to accompany the thoughts. I avoided changing her nappy, bathing her and anything to do with her really and i was so scared of these thoughts. In the end the day after i had the thought i told my husband and broke down in tears. I thought i was going mad and that social services would take my daughter away.

I went to see my GP and i couldn't believe that she thought it was quite normal i had never heard of this before. I have suffered from OCD in the past so i do have a bit of a history with it.

I was given medication and i had CBT therapy which has now finished. There were some mornings when i wish i wouldn't wake up and i constantly felt sick and ashamed of the thoughts i was having. I have now finished ther therpay and basiclaly i had to face my fears and do the things that i avoided like the nappy changing. This was so hard and i had to have someone there first of all for reassurance.

I remember the first time i bathed my baby girl on my own i couldn't believe that i had mananaged to do it. . I rang my mum straight after and was so happy. Its now nearly a year on and i do still have horrible days where a thought gets stuck in my head. At the start of this problem i was constantly questioning myself thinking i know i'm not like that but what if i am? I used to hate going to children's parks incase a thought arose but i now know that you have to do these things as exposure because the more you avoid situations the worse it will get.

I still look at by baby girl when she's sleeping and i have a tear thinking how could i think these awful things as i love her so much and i would rather die then hurt her. Its nearly her first birthday and i can't believe how quickly that year has gone.

I am still on my medication but i don't have the therapy anymore. I used to do so many rituals to try and get rid of the thoughts from emptying my bin bags to making sure i hadn't moved or keeping my hands clasped.

This website is so good and it really does put my mind at rest.

luvpiggy · Post by **luvpiggy** » Mon Jun 02, 2008 8:44 am

Also, consider the postpartum nature of your symptoms. I've always had some OCD tendencies, but they really increased after my son was born because of the post pregnancy hormones. I did take care of him while bathing, etc., but I did have some of the most horrific images about him dying, etc., and I was not prepared for that. I mean, we often refer to it as postpartum depression, but it makes sense to me that we can all have postpartum OCD, postpartum anxiety, etc. It sounds like you got help and that you're doing so much better. I'm glad you're feeling better and that this site helps you:).

Take care,
luvpiggy

Boon · Post by **Boon** » Mon Jun 02, 2008 9:43 am

You are certainly not alone. I went through a very similar thing in 1976. No one told me it was common (and now I know it is) but I did have a wonderful therapist who trusted me beyond measure and gave me the support I needed to get through. And, you will get through this. The OCD mind is very imaginative - not dangerous. It will come up with any and all things and once you learn to allow these thoughts their passage - just let them come and go without your attachment to them - you will soon see that they don't come back as often and definitely with less impact and when they do come again you dismiss them very easily. Practice watching your thoughts come and go. That is all. Nothing more. Be the watcher of your thoughts. They will lose their impact to make you suffer.

You have great help locally and also on this site.

Congratulations on motherhood.

crazy cakes · Post by **crazy cakes** » Tue Jun 03, 2008 4:31 am

thank you so much for your emails boon and luv piggy it really makes me feel better.

Please tell me to shut up if i'm going on but it makes me feel so much better talking about it. The amount of times i would ask my family and friends if they thought i was like that i.e. this horrible monster figure for reassurance and they said no and i would ask my therapist and she would say i can't answer that.

Had another horrible thought this morning and i'm not too bad but i asked for reassurance from my husband i just wish i had not reacted to the thought. I often think to myself what if i lose control and act out these thoughts if pertrifies me! I have always said to anyone if you have a slightest doublt that you think i'm like that please say because i would rather be in prison then hurt my baby.

Everyday i feel guilt and destress thinking what if i have done something and can't remember the exact details it can sometimes take a week for the thought to completely go but then another one takes its place.

I sometimes keep encouraging the thoughts as my therapist told me but when i picture the thought and it doesn't always make me feel sick i worry that i think its then acceptable and i get in another tug of war with that concept of it.

This is probably going to sound stupid but i also think that do you think thinking and having these horrible images will make me into some sort of pervert?

I am so much better then i was but you can understand i suppose why i'm still on the meds. My doctor has said that OCD isn't really cureble its all how you react to it and i will prob always have it. I also think what if the doctor and therapist have misdiagnosed me and i am in fact a monster.

I get so worried then i get a thumping chest and sweaty palms.

I have always said that i would like another child one day but it petrifies me that i will get this again!!

My sister has a little girl who is 2 and a half and the amount of times i have asked her if she trusts me to look after her and i said i would hate for you all to worry if i was around children and you weren't there and you were concerned. I have looked after my niece a number of times now and its a lot easier at the begginging i would sit on the sofa and think i haven't moved i now where near her

lucie · Post by **lucie** » Tue Jun 03, 2008 6:21 am

I wanted to post in reply to this, because what you have described is the same feelings I have daily. Yes, I also at times think that I am a monster, its the OCD thoughts constantly that I will do something to harm my child. Today seems to be a good day, I am hoping. What I am now discovering though is problems with raising and disciplining my child, I just can't handle it. I have a 4 year old boy who has been a real challenge lately, wants his way all the time. I just hope with time, it gets better. Do the meds help? I can't take any currently, because I'm pregnant.

Holly J · Post by **Holly J** » Tue Jun 03, 2008 6:45 am

I get these thoughts as well. i have no children and am not pregnant but i get those scary thoughts about my boyfriend, parents, sisters, my nephews even myself. . they scared me so much because i know i would never do anything bad to anyone let alone the people i love the most. i had this in elementary school and high school but never as bad as recently. Now i know those feelings are ocd? Does anybody know what kind of ocd this is? The main reason why i wont have a baby is because i am frightened i will have post pardom depression and im sure i would because that is my luck. but, i think a lo of peop;e get this type of ocd thoughts. i wish i know that in highs chool. noo one understood the way i thought. but i understand now and these feeling do eventually go away!

Boon · Post by **Boon** » Tue Jun 03, 2008 7:25 am

Charlie Brown has recommended many times a wonderful website that directly relates to obsessive scary thinking. It is <A HREF="http://www.ocdonline.com" TARGET=_blank>www.ocdonline.com</A> I highly recommend you read it.

You can learn to trust yourself. It takes time, patience and perseverence and it's worth every effort that you put into it.

Another excellent source for this is Freedom from Fear by Dr. Howard Liebgold. There is hope and this IS cureable.

crazy cakes · Post by **crazy cakes** » Tue Jun 03, 2008 7:36 pm

to holly 3 and lucie. Thank you for your messages my dears i'm sure we can all help each other. I did feel like i was alone though and at the time i thought i needed to be sectioned it was absolute hell. This OCD i think is called sexual obessions. I always thought OCD was hand washing and checking but until you suffer from this you don't really look into it. Do the meds help? I'm not really sure i've been on them for a year now and my therapist won't take me off them yet which i was a bit disappointed about but i know its for my own good. I think the thing that helped me the most was the CBT therapy (cognitive behaviour therapy) which is exposing yourself. For example i had thoughts when nappy changing, bathing either feeding so i had to keep doing this over and over again and not run away from the situation when i got a thought.

At times this was absolute hell as i had so much doubt and i constantly needed reassurance that nothing really did happen. What is so mad is that its your mind but you can't seem to think straight on what actually did happen.

I do find that the thoughts get worse when i'm stressed or if i'm having a bad day.

My biece has recently completed her potty training and as exposure my sister would ask me to take her up to the toilet and st times this was awful as i suppose i was thinking don't think about the thoughts and then as soon as i said that i started thinking about it. There were times when i would shout downstairs and say to my sister i've just had a thought.

I do usually write my thoughts down when i've had them i could open a paper factory but i don't really know if this helps me.