Avoiding social situations
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goodgrief504
- Posts: 8
- Joined: Wed Apr 15, 2009 1:27 pm
Hi, I'm new here and I needed somewhere to come to express my anxieties about something that keeps happening to me. I'm a junior in college (female, in case you're wondering) and I keep running into uncomfortable situations. See, I find myself getting really nervous around guys. I prefer to have female friends. I always worry that if a guy wants to hang out with me, he'll want something more than that. But even if he doesn't, I'm so uncomfortable around guys that I have often gone out of my way to avoid them. A guy in one of my classes just asked me to attend his birthday party. As if it wasn't bad enough to have to make up an excuse for that, the party has two parts and the second part is on another day! I'm freaking out because I'll feel terrible if I have to lie to him like that twice, but I know myself and I know I am not at all comfortable with going. I don't even know anyone there besides him. I've heard all the advice about telling the person the truth about your situation, going out of your comfort zone until it becomes easier, or ending up having a great time. But none of those options seem feasible to me. I don't want to end up alone later in life, but I just don't feel ready to do things like this. I'm not sure if I ever will. I really only have two options and I'll have to deal with the consequences either way, so I'm not necessarily asking for advice. I just need to be around people who understand.
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Guest
I don't know your exact situation, but I have terrible social anxiety. It is so bad for me that I don't have any thoughts leading up to my discomfort at talking with people. I just start talking to them and all the sudden I get so dizzy and I feel like I will surely pass-out. Everything gets blurry and I can barely focus on the face of the person I am speaking with. All this is going on and all I can think is, I hope this person doesn't know. And I hope that I don't pass out and totally embarrass myself. You know lately, I've just been telling people. I would have never done that before because I am really uncomfortable drawing attention to myself. Is there a setting that is more comfortable for you? If you like this person, maybe you could just tell him that you're uncomfortable at parties, but did he want to come and hang out with you and your friends sometime (somewhere where you are comfortable and with people that you are comfortable with). Sometimes I think I need to ease into being around people that I don't know. Sometimes, it's easier if I am completely comfortable (location, other people, etc.) except with the new person. I have also found that telling people that I have anxiety hasn't seemed to make any difference to them. They don't usually have any idea what I am talking about so they thinks it's something like what they have experienced when they are anxious about something. They just shrug it off and it doesn't become a big deal. My close friends know different, and they are the ones I really confide in about my anxiety, but how are friends going to become close if there is no opportunity. Just my thoughts, but mostly I wanted to say that I know how uncomfortable it can be to be around people that you aren't secure with. Let me know what you decide to do. Good Luck! 
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Guest
Hi,
I can't say that I have ever had this problem, even when people have been mean to me, I dig in until I figure out what I have to do to over come. Example, I am Puerto Rican and near 60 years old. I was raised mostly in the Bronx, New York. I spoke or understood no English when I started school. I did not go to kinder garden, I went straight to 1st. grade.
I was put in the corner by the teacher, because I did not understand what she wanted me to do. All I remember was, she was calling my name and I acknowledged her and she called me several times, and each I acknowledge her, but I never knew what she wanted, then she got upset, took me by the ear, and put me in the corner, as all the kids in the class broke out laughing at me. Can you imagine what I felt? Well, I was upset about it, but it made me all the more determined to learn English. That is the last time someone would humiliate me that way.
I am not telling this to boast of some virtue that I had, but tell you how insensitive some people can be. Perhaps that may be your fear. Well, you are an adult now, and I am sure no one will try to humiliate you in such a manner. It is okay to be guarded about people, but it is essential to have a fuller life to break out of the shell or comfort zone that you have. How do you get there? The answer to that one is different for each person. You need to things that help build your confidence. Now some how, you have managed to get through to this point in your life. You have graduated high school, moving on to college, completing school work assignments, and interacting with some school mates in organized activities. So you are not dysfunctional. I think you are facing adulthood and facing the anxieties that everyone has as the enter an era of greater responsibility, and dependencies on people other than your parents, siblings, and other yo are familiar with.
I think you could benefit from some of the relaxation techniques, in the breathing exercises, Yoga, Tai Chi, etc. Moreover, these forms of relaxation, meditation, and exercise can help you build confidence. I am not making any religious inferences, I am saying that you should not limit the boundaries and lengths that God will bring to you to help you get through life. You set your own boundaries to yourself and how God can bless. Try to be open to the idea that God wants you to be happy so that you can enjoy life to its fullest. Apparently, you have reined in and keeping your boundaries too close to the vest. When you do that you tie yourself up in knots and the avenues for the release of stress are closed and they get bottled up. Relax, close you eyes, bring your arms to the side and flop them around as loosely as you can so that you are almost like a rag doll, and concentrate on gratitude that you have for God, and this precious life He has given you.
Think nothing but gratitude, as you relax move your arms as gracefully and freely as possible in any direction they feel like moving, as you keep doing the relaxation breathing. It is as though you are floating and gathering energy from the earth and the universe. This energy is given in the power of God. These things and this energy helps you to relax and there is no telling where you can run with this. Do this as often as you feel the need and each time, when you are ready to move forward, just say: Thank you God. There are different approaches to different problems we face, but the answers lay right inside of us, we just have to figure out how to get to that place of peace that God really want you to have.
I can't say that I have ever had this problem, even when people have been mean to me, I dig in until I figure out what I have to do to over come. Example, I am Puerto Rican and near 60 years old. I was raised mostly in the Bronx, New York. I spoke or understood no English when I started school. I did not go to kinder garden, I went straight to 1st. grade.
I was put in the corner by the teacher, because I did not understand what she wanted me to do. All I remember was, she was calling my name and I acknowledged her and she called me several times, and each I acknowledge her, but I never knew what she wanted, then she got upset, took me by the ear, and put me in the corner, as all the kids in the class broke out laughing at me. Can you imagine what I felt? Well, I was upset about it, but it made me all the more determined to learn English. That is the last time someone would humiliate me that way.
I am not telling this to boast of some virtue that I had, but tell you how insensitive some people can be. Perhaps that may be your fear. Well, you are an adult now, and I am sure no one will try to humiliate you in such a manner. It is okay to be guarded about people, but it is essential to have a fuller life to break out of the shell or comfort zone that you have. How do you get there? The answer to that one is different for each person. You need to things that help build your confidence. Now some how, you have managed to get through to this point in your life. You have graduated high school, moving on to college, completing school work assignments, and interacting with some school mates in organized activities. So you are not dysfunctional. I think you are facing adulthood and facing the anxieties that everyone has as the enter an era of greater responsibility, and dependencies on people other than your parents, siblings, and other yo are familiar with.
I think you could benefit from some of the relaxation techniques, in the breathing exercises, Yoga, Tai Chi, etc. Moreover, these forms of relaxation, meditation, and exercise can help you build confidence. I am not making any religious inferences, I am saying that you should not limit the boundaries and lengths that God will bring to you to help you get through life. You set your own boundaries to yourself and how God can bless. Try to be open to the idea that God wants you to be happy so that you can enjoy life to its fullest. Apparently, you have reined in and keeping your boundaries too close to the vest. When you do that you tie yourself up in knots and the avenues for the release of stress are closed and they get bottled up. Relax, close you eyes, bring your arms to the side and flop them around as loosely as you can so that you are almost like a rag doll, and concentrate on gratitude that you have for God, and this precious life He has given you.
Think nothing but gratitude, as you relax move your arms as gracefully and freely as possible in any direction they feel like moving, as you keep doing the relaxation breathing. It is as though you are floating and gathering energy from the earth and the universe. This energy is given in the power of God. These things and this energy helps you to relax and there is no telling where you can run with this. Do this as often as you feel the need and each time, when you are ready to move forward, just say: Thank you God. There are different approaches to different problems we face, but the answers lay right inside of us, we just have to figure out how to get to that place of peace that God really want you to have.
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Guest
Sorry about taking so long to reply, I sort of had forgotten about this post!
Thank you both for the advice. You made some very good points. I didn't go to either event because that was simply too big of a step to take at this time. I hope I'll soon be able to take smaller ones. Facing my fears is my biggest...FEAR about this program, but I'm only on lesson 2 and it has been good for me so far. Thanks again.
Thank you both for the advice. You made some very good points. I didn't go to either event because that was simply too big of a step to take at this time. I hope I'll soon be able to take smaller ones. Facing my fears is my biggest...FEAR about this program, but I'm only on lesson 2 and it has been good for me so far. Thanks again.
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Diann Siracusa
- Posts: 12
- Joined: Fri Aug 08, 2008 12:29 pm
I have the exact same problem around women. When Im around my guy friends my anxiety level is normal. But for some reason around women I get really shakey and tend to avoid events with girls my age. My best friends sister continue's to ask me out and I panic thinking "what if." Inside I want to but, fear of having a panic attack stops me. And then people begin asking "are you gay?" no Im not and then I make up a lie, to cover up my problem. Its so hard : (
Diann Siracusa
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Guest
I know exactly how you feel, Believe me! UNTIL....in my early thirties I decided enough is enough ...so I told myself tonight I'm going out, NOT as myself, I became someone else, in my own mind. I was that confident person that just wanted to have some fun.....This does qualify as a personality disorder...but it worked!