What to do about external stressors?--Married to an alcoholic

CountryGirl77 · Post by **CountryGirl77** » Sat Jun 21, 2008 6:22 pm

As I said in my profile, I'm married to a man who is gone a lot partying, leaving me here with the kids. And when he is here, he's not "here". He's on the phone with friends ALL the time (I should sew it to his ear), or reading newspapers or magazines, or in the can (reading). His idea of quality time is falling asleep on the couch, while the rest of us watch a movie he picked out. He used to be a good husband, so I know he knows how to be. But it seems like now that we've been married almost 9 years, he's lost interest. I thought I'd found my soulmate. Now I feel like the maid & nanny. I live in such a rural area, I can't just bop into town and meet friends. Chances are, there aren't any around anyway. I'm so lonely and am going so crazy. I realize I need to avoid negative self-talk, but when I'm the only adult I talk to all day, day after day, it gets difficult. I just started Session 2, and the program hasn't talke about how to handle the depression, and how to CHANGE the external stressors. It seems like the only way to get out of this rut would be to leave, but I love my husband and I love my kids, and I don't want to tear up our marriage. I just want to feel valued. I gave up so many things to become a wife and mom, and I don't want to feel punished for it. Any comments, anyone?

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Sat Jun 21, 2008 6:38 pm

CountryGirl77..... I never gone thru a experience like yours but then i think it would just help if you talk to your husband and tell him how you feel, I know what you mean about feeling like a maid and nanny, Im not married but have been with my fiance for 6 years and have 2 kids with him. and gosh gosh gosh i clean after all three of them. LOL... I understand what you are going thru is depressing and its great you are letting out here in the forum but then u should be expressing your feeling to him too, u guys did make a commitment to each other when you guys got married, and u do love him so be open and honest...

I wish you the best nd i hope this kinda helped... i really didnt know how to put it all into right words but then i really wanted to help...

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Sat Jun 21, 2008 6:48 pm

I appreciate your compassion Shelly! It's nice to have someone say "I can understand how you feel." That's been the biggest problem--I HAVE told him over and over for years how I feel, and I get a "deer-in-the-headlights" look and he basically tells me I'm overreacting. He says I should be happy because I have two great boys, and a great home, and I live in a beautiful place. I'm just over-reacting, and it shouldn't be a big deal if he goes out with his friends. And all that is true, but I wish it was a two-way street once in a while. And a little background: about a year ago he SWORE to me and himself that he was going to QUIT drinking, because he really scared himself a couple of times. But apparently he's forgotten and now it's okay again. I don't know what to do, because I feel like I AM making too big a deal out of it. Is it just me over-reacting? I never can tell. He works really hard, so he deserves a little down time too, but I want my soulmate back! In fact, being on a ranch, the "work" he has to do is just another excuse not to make his family a priority. I'm really lost here.

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Sat Jun 21, 2008 7:15 pm

Hi CountryGirl77, Welcome to our group! My only comment now is to give yourself and the program some time... I know how hard it is to be patient! You're not being punished. I've had my share of alcoholics around me in my life. If I got through it - so can You.
CountryGirl, many people in Chat and on Forums can help by sharing experiences and advice. They helped me stay afloat when I thought I was sinking. Listen to your CD's, and do the workbooks in order... You will find a lot of good friends here. Seadog

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Sat Jun 21, 2008 8:32 pm

Hey Countrygirl, its me again, Well honestly i been on a somewhat boat u r, instead my fiance was addicted to drugs not alcohol... and the thing was i hated i mean hated the fact of his addiction but then i always believed and had faith in him,that one day he will realize what he's doing to me and the kids. In year 2005 he got arrested of posetion of drugs and a mild hit and run... Went to jail for a month and thats all it took, he found the lord and when he came out he was a whole different man. 2 months after he got out of jail he got baptized as a Christian and he worked hard for our family to stay together. And 3 years later he is such a wonderful father to our children and a great fiance to me.

What im getting to Countrygirl, is that u mentioned how much you love your husband and u guys got married to be with each other thru good times and bad... So hey all u need to do is keep up all ur good work in takeing care of ur family and showing ur husband how much u love him and just believe and have faith in him one day again he will want to quit and he will for himself and for u and the kids. I truly love my fiance since the day i met him and even doe how much he put me thru hell i just knew we are ment to be and it was just a trial for both of us and look at us now we are one great family {except with my anxiety it gets bad sometimes}.

Well this is just my opinion and im just trying to help cuz i wudnt want u to make a mistake that u might regret.

I wish u the best of luckkkkk....

keep me posted thanxs

BTTRFLY · Post by **BTTRFLY** » Sun Jun 29, 2008 4:28 am

Hi. In one of the previous topics I added my two cents that if I'd only known then what I know now, my life would be a lot different. I worked with an alcoholic surgeon for almost 17 years. Can't even remember how many times I carried his office for him when we had no idea where he was. I was married for almost 17 years to a man who had addictions, but not to alcohol. Same behavior. I have been in a relationship with an alcoholic for some more years, now. A couple of things I've learned. I was never number one, or even two, or three, or four. I was there to keep their world cruising. If I didn't keep their world cruising, I was verbally and emotionally tormented. And I learned that never changes, unless either they changed, or I changed. I changed. And now I am changing the negative thinking that's the result. I've mentioned in previous posts, my parents both died recently. They were good, hard working people. They did not understand my life choices. I did not understand them, either, because I did not grow up with a reason to make such bad choices. Now, I am learning about why I made those choices, and I wanted to share with you some of the rocky muddy ruts I've trudged through, always thinking they would turn into nice smooth waterways. They didn't. They got worse. I hope you have the best success with this program. My wish for you is that you soar like a truly free bird one of these days, and that you love yourself unconditionally. You take care of yourself. Kindest regards, Pecos.