Being Selfish and Scared
Well, from my previous posts about my job, I have started it. I've been there 2 1/2 weeks. I've already been late 4 or 5 times. I've already missed one day. Right now, I'm sick at my stomach all the time. I found out that someone has wanted to be with me from the first time I started working there 10 years ago. I also had feelings for this person, but never said anything mostly due the fact at that time I still loved my husband very much and to both of us being married. I've been so unhappy in my marriage for the past few years. He's so negative. Everytime he comes up with something negative, I try to turn it into a postive and it doesn't work. This other person revealed how he felt and I revealed how I felt. Now I feel so guilty. I haven't done anything wrong because I know I couldn't do that, but I feel guilty about the feelings I'm having. My thinking is that I need to leave my husband, quit my job and move in with my sister and her husband. That's all I think about. I can't get any sleep. I'm depressed all the time. My anxiety is through the roof. My first thought was to just move out and get my own place, but then I realized that's not a good idea for me right now because of the state I'm in. I figured I could keep my job and just move into an apartment. But that scares me even more because of the feelings I have for the person I work with. Everytime I'm near him, I get butterflies. I can't concentrate at work. I know it sounds like I'm running away and maybe I am, but I can't continue to live my life of almost 20 years being unhappy with the person I thought I would be with for the rest of my life. He left for his camp yesterday for the weekend leaving me here by myself. I don't know if I put on a good front or if he doesn't care, but when he left he didn't even tell me he loved me. It's almost like he doesn't care anymore. I've tried to get him to listen to the CD's with me, but I think he figures I can work this out on my own. I know I'm all over the map on this, but I can't get my thoughts together. I keep thinking that it would just be so easy to end everything, but I get so scared even thinking about it, I turn my thinking around or get on the phone with someone to get my mind off of it. I know I couldn't hurt myself, but I also know it would be so easy to not have the feelings anymore. I don't want anyone to think I'm going to do anything because like I said I couldn't. I know my family loves me too much and that they can help me get through this. Can someone please give me advice on what to do? If this whole thing doesn't make sense to anyone, ask me questions. Like I said I'm all over the place on this. I'm confused, hurt, anxious, depressed, unhappy, scared...I could go on and on.
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Guest
You need to get strong first before you make any dicisions. Because you are here I am guessing you are going through the program. You need to see clearly before you make a big decision about leaving your husband. I did jus t that last summer, although lately I am having anxiety troubles again, I did get stronger. I decided to stay with my husband for many reasons but the main one is that I have children. So here I am still married, still not very happy with my husband but am happier with myself.(but because I am lonely relationship wise I would be vulnerable to someone outside taking an interest in me, so be careful is my advise) I have learned to enjoy life the best I can for myself and have a better relationship with my kids. I dont know what the future will be in my marriage but for now I have made a decision. I guess what Im trying to say is work on yourself before you make any big decisions because some things cannot be reversed. Good luck nicki
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Guest
Hi Daisey! Oh funny. I am in Dickinson, TX. I read your post.
Do not beat yourself up about the feelings you are having for this other man. You can't control your feelings any more than you can control and just turn off the anxiety. Infact, I would say that that is normal human response. When you are under so much pressure for so long, and not getting your needs met, it is a normal response to start to have feelings elsewhere to try and meet that need.
NOW..there is a difference between feelings and what you do with those feelings. It is very important to see what the needs are that you have that aren't getting met and find other ways to meet them, other than by having an affair. This will help minimize the draw to it. Then you need to set up clear boundaries for yourself, how much time you allow yourself to be around this person/talk to this person/and even think about this person. If you find yourself day dreaming about them or the what ifs...use the "I will think about him at this time" and push it out of your mind. Then when you do think about it get real with yourself. If you find yourself fantasizing about a life with him/being with him, make yourself stop. Start remembering all the wonderful times you have had with your husband. You all can get through this together. I am sure that there are things over the years that has made him feel disconnected or resentful towards you too. Remember, we are not the only ones that feel let down/unsatisfied. Start to read books on making your marriage better. Ask yourself if you are the same woman he fell in love with and married? Do you treat him the way you did back then? Do you know what his needs are and what makes him happy? Are you trying to meet those needs? Have you totally forgiven him for everything he has done to hurt you? Begin to work on these things and be the wife that he needs. If he all the sudden he became the husband that met your needs don't you think that would change your behavior towards him? Try these things out. You don't have to quit your job. The only time I would say do that is if you are REALLY on the verge of crossing the line and don't feel you can stop yourself. Get a book called How To Fall out of Love. It gives you techniques to use while thinking about the other man to lesson your attraction to him. The same way the anxiety is in our heads, so are these feelings. If you started focusing on all the wonderful things about your husband and began doing things for him, then your feelings would begin to be revived for him...your change in behavior and attitude towards him will change his behavior and attitude towards you. On the same token, if you make yourself stop thinking about this other man and think how attracted you are to your husband instead, your feelings will eventually follow that. You can use the STOP SIGN in your mind when you begin to think of him...or use a rubberband on your wrist and POP yourself when you think of him and then start thinking good things about your husband. Almost any relationship can be revived...and I gaurantee you that even if you left your husband and were with this other man, you don't think 20 years later you may have to deal with some of the same issues with him?? Be blessed.
Do not beat yourself up about the feelings you are having for this other man. You can't control your feelings any more than you can control and just turn off the anxiety. Infact, I would say that that is normal human response. When you are under so much pressure for so long, and not getting your needs met, it is a normal response to start to have feelings elsewhere to try and meet that need.
NOW..there is a difference between feelings and what you do with those feelings. It is very important to see what the needs are that you have that aren't getting met and find other ways to meet them, other than by having an affair. This will help minimize the draw to it. Then you need to set up clear boundaries for yourself, how much time you allow yourself to be around this person/talk to this person/and even think about this person. If you find yourself day dreaming about them or the what ifs...use the "I will think about him at this time" and push it out of your mind. Then when you do think about it get real with yourself. If you find yourself fantasizing about a life with him/being with him, make yourself stop. Start remembering all the wonderful times you have had with your husband. You all can get through this together. I am sure that there are things over the years that has made him feel disconnected or resentful towards you too. Remember, we are not the only ones that feel let down/unsatisfied. Start to read books on making your marriage better. Ask yourself if you are the same woman he fell in love with and married? Do you treat him the way you did back then? Do you know what his needs are and what makes him happy? Are you trying to meet those needs? Have you totally forgiven him for everything he has done to hurt you? Begin to work on these things and be the wife that he needs. If he all the sudden he became the husband that met your needs don't you think that would change your behavior towards him? Try these things out. You don't have to quit your job. The only time I would say do that is if you are REALLY on the verge of crossing the line and don't feel you can stop yourself. Get a book called How To Fall out of Love. It gives you techniques to use while thinking about the other man to lesson your attraction to him. The same way the anxiety is in our heads, so are these feelings. If you started focusing on all the wonderful things about your husband and began doing things for him, then your feelings would begin to be revived for him...your change in behavior and attitude towards him will change his behavior and attitude towards you. On the same token, if you make yourself stop thinking about this other man and think how attracted you are to your husband instead, your feelings will eventually follow that. You can use the STOP SIGN in your mind when you begin to think of him...or use a rubberband on your wrist and POP yourself when you think of him and then start thinking good things about your husband. Almost any relationship can be revived...and I gaurantee you that even if you left your husband and were with this other man, you don't think 20 years later you may have to deal with some of the same issues with him?? Be blessed.