Day 5 (Coping Mechanisms)
Lately I've found myself going back to my old ways of handling stress and my life...What happens is I will try desparately to run away if I can in the moment (by spacing out) and when I get home I'll stick myself in front of a videogame for a few hours on end and feel crappy that I'm not taking care of other things that I need to do like dishes or cleaning or something else. I actually have a hard time enjoying the game but I keep telling myself that I don't have the energy or motivation to do other things. It seems to actually bring me down more and I go back into that thinking that I'm not accomplishing anything again. I'm not open and accepting the way I was before...I'm starting to go back to who I was before and I refuse to do this.
After a discussion yestaurday with a fellow member of the forums I realized what I needed is not to sit myself infront of a videogame when i get stressed out but to use relaxation methods. I already do this Once a day and it does help but it isn't enough to rebalance the imbalance with the stress response & relaxation response. This is what I really need to do and it has to be ones that I like doing or else it will just cause me stress and how is that suppose to help me?
We had the option for a half day today and I definately took it. I was feeling too much like garbadge not to. I don't feel motivated to do anything right now. I need to open myself back up again...my main goals today and for a little while is eatting "properly" and resting. I'm hoping this will help to open me back up so I can accept my progress and my accomplishments and allow the passion to come back again.
There is a dating site that I visit from time to time and I've contacted a few guys that I'm attracted to but it's intresting...I keep telling myself that I couldn't be with them because I have this wrong with me and that wrong with me. I guess I am still pretty negative eh. Right now I'm not ready to be in a relationship but that doesn't mean I'll never be ready. I'm not ready because I feel insecure about myself and people...not because there is things wrong with me. I think I need to spend some time replacing negative thoughts on paper.
This last weekend is the last one for schedualed shifts at the restaurant and i'm going to be really happy once I get the weekends off. It's been awhile actually. My last day was suppose to be on the sataurday but they didn't have anybody who could take the sunday shift because people were out of town or already working that day or just unavailable and actually the person who works with the schedual in my opinion, manipulated me into taking that shift and I'm actually a little resentful but I did learn a good lesson out of it...Don't get really specific in your explaination as to why you can't do something when someone asks you...You don't have to tell them why. I guess I just felt guilty.
Food;
Pudding with chlorophil & peaches, tuna salad, pourrage & cereal, bean salad, 2 hot water and 2 tea.
I wasn't really hungry but thats alright. This sometimes happens If I haven't watched what I've been eatting.
Accomps;72 (57 social attempts, Went to bed by 11 and woke up at 7, 2 tics and 2 relaxation times)
Mike
NinjaFrodo's Sleep and Diet Journal
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Guest
After a few happenings and some thought time I've come to the conclusion that I don't need to force myself into a specific Regiem. My journals don't need to be limited to specific topics and I don't need to force myself to post on a topic if I don't feel good about it. Journaling should be about inspiration, not about stress. I also don't have to put days 1,2,3 or anything like that I can simply date them.
Mike
Mike