Not sure what to do with my life now...

[doogiet]

Hey, everyone. I took some time off posting but I'm back.

I don't know what to do with my life these days. Well, specifically, I'm not sure about what to do in regards to work. I have some money saved up, don't pay rent, and live pretty cheaply. I don't have a job, and I don't have debt or bills looming over me to force me to go out and work.

My problem is that I'm terrified of getting a job, I guess. When I was at my most anxious, I used to be a freelance writer because I wouldn't have a boss over my head, I could work when I wanted and mornings were when I was most anxious, so I did my best to sleep through them.

Since I've gotten better (I haven't had a panic attack in a long time now), I've lost my interest to stay alone in my condo writing, and yet I can't bring myself to get a job. I look for jobs online all the time, but I keep finding reasons not to apply. I look for reasons I wouldn't be hired (no experience, too much experience) and not apply. Years ago I was fired from my job working in a bookstore because of my low self-esteem. I didn't attend any of the meetings because I figured I had nothing to add, that the store had been running fine without me, and I was just there to shelve books. I guess I also had entitlement issues and thought I was above everyone.

I tried working at a grocery store but lasted only one day because I kept panicking. A friend of mine got me a job working with him doing computer repairs, but he fired me on my first day because I made a joke to a customer.

So, yeah. I just have no idea what to do. I've been out of work for a year. I suppose I could try applying at another bookstore for $8/hour, but it's kind of hard to do that when I've made like $250/half hour for writing freelance articles, even though I don't want to do it. And, like I said, I don't have that many bills or rent to pay, so I don't have much motivation.

Can anyone offer me some kind of advice? I've been living on the cheap for ten years now, and I've learned to turn off my desires for things (new clothes, etc.) because in the past I would rather have nothing and be panic-free than work outside of the house for things and panic.

When I was younger and my friends were working jobs, they all had reasons: they wanted to buy a car, they needed to pay rent, they wanted to go on a trip, save money for the weekend, etc. But I could barely leave the house and didn't need to pay rent, and I'm so used to this lifestyle I'm finding it impossible to break. It's like the world is going by but I don't mind because at least I'm not panicking.

Any thoughts? I know I'm kind of rambling, but at least I wrote this.

[Guest]

Welcome back. Maybe it might help to journal it out. Ask yourself, what do I want to do with my life? Write down as many things as you can in 1-2 minutes and see what you come up with. Write down even the wildest things like an astroaunt. Maybe this might help you think in a new direction. Maybe going back to school or something.

I've been home number of years and am preparing myself to go back to work. My anxiety and negative scary thinking is high. But thank God, I am working my way through it. I am breaking everything down into babysteps. I have a written plan and I try and do a little something everyday.

Good luck in your search. Take care and God Bless.

[Guest]

You gave a very god approach to deal with his situation. A good plan is very important to focalize oneself. He must begin to think financial security because the cost of everything increases year over year so he'll come to a point where having no bills won't be enough.

[Searching for some peace]

Maybe watch a few shows of Suze Orman, Dave Ramsey, or Carmen Ulrich? Are you financially secure for life? If not, something to think about and prepare for.

I also earned some good money at one time in the past. That time is gone. I have to start at the bottom once again due to my illness and work my way up. That's how it works.

[Tysmom]

Hi Doogie,

Sounds like you got a really good deal going for yourself. I take a little harder religious approach, quite simply: "If you don't work, you don't eat."

Sounds to me like you are more fearful of growing up and facing adult responsibilities.

If you are not sure of what to do with your life, because your parents are probably not going to out live you, I would suggest any military recruiting station. BTW, they, the military, will test and place you where you can be of best service. They will train you, feed you, cloth you and provide you a place to live, but they will not tolerate slothfulness.

yeah, I know it sounds cold on my part, but you have been living off, by your own admission, the hard work of others for 10 years. Don't you think that you're just absolving yourself of your responsibility, and heaping it on others?

Shape up! Take responsibility for yourself! It will be okay. Everyone has to do that, so when are you going to get it together and take a chance on LIFE.

Sorry if I seem a bit harsh, but sloth is #2 only to pride of the 7 deadly sins. I am not going to encourage continued slothful behavior.

"...The Father disciplines the child he loves..."


Written to you with lots of love,

Gman

[Guest]

I decided that I would try to make a go of it as a freelance writer again. I've registered my name as a domain and bought a few books on it.

The suggestions were interesting. The military is out because I have scoliosis and I'd never get through basic training. I had thought about it at one point, though, but, well, I'm not very athletic. That's not to say I'm lazy, it's just that my back locks up if I do the same thing for too long (run, sit, etc.)

As far as being slothful goes...well, that's a different story. It's not like I'm just sitting around here doing nothing. I keep pretty busy, I just haven't had a job in a year (not ten years). But I hope to rectify all that.

Thanks for your input, everyone.

P.S. The seven deadly whats? That's from that movie with Brad Pitt, right?

[Guest]

Hi Doogie,

I apologize; however, since I really don't know much about you, I was picturing you as a spoiled brat, leeching off his parents, and not knowing what to do with his life. The line on the military is just a standby of what to do for those that don't don't have a clue. Just the mere thought of going military shakes up many people because, in my view it like a jail sentence on trading freedom for guidance.

What I was talking about, regarding sloth, is that it is one of the seven deadly sins, often attributed to the bible, but I think the origin in and is prominently mentioned in Dante's Inferno.

I am glad that you pointed out you have the physical maladies that have sidelined you and not just someone being lazy. If it were due to some mental paralysis because of someone's own thoughts, I believe the program's goals and objectives, along with peer support and education could and will help you overcome.

I could soon be in your situation because of my physical disabilities, but the program is really helping me and so are these forums. I have always been someone that liked to teach and help others improve their life.

As horrid as your situation seems, you can conquer your circumstances. At one time in my life, I was set back because of my bi-polar disorder. The key for me, was my creator's gift of many physical talents, and my determination to defeat anything that came my way through the divine intervention of some powerful spiritual energy. Through the divine guidance of this spiritual energy, I conducted a detailed study of the bible and it saved me. What was more astounding was I was blessed with many spiritual talents. In addition to these many blessings, talents and gifts, I felt compelled, as if by this spiritual energy, to use these gifts to pass on the blessings to many other people no matter what their circumstance. Thankfully, one of the things that helped me to remain faithful was a continual stream of spiritual positive re-enforcement that I found in what is now called Contemporary Christian Music. Believe me when I tell you, all these things teamed up to make a very powerful combination.

Anyway, things have come full circle for me, and I find myself re-discovering the power of the combination mentioned above, and I would like to share an inspirational song's lyrics.

It seems the database is unavailable at this time, but I have the lyrics. The title of the song is: Count it all joy. It is performed by Bebe and Cece Winans. Recorded and released in 1994 by Capitol Records, Inc. Below are the lyrics:

Verse 1:
It's hard to understand sometimes,
Is there a master plan?
how do I make sense
of everything I'm going through?

But maybe it's not ours to know,
so we have to learn to let things go,
and simply try to make the most of every day
and have the faith that somehow we will find our way.

Chorus 1:
Count it all joy, yeah,
(all that you're going through),
no matter what you're going through,
(even when you're feeling down).

Count it all joy, yeah,
(each moment's a gift to you),
no matter what you're going through,
(so turn it all around).

Even in the darkest night,
(if you look hard enough),
(there's a trace of sunlight waiting there),
yes, waiting there for you.

Verse 2:
Been searching everywhere to find
that rainbow in the air,
whenever I came close,
it just seemed to disappear.

I had to change my point of view,
start looking at myself,
I can't believe I never knew,
everything that I needed
was right here, yes, inside of me.

Chorus 1

Bridge:
(I don't have to be afraid),
from today, I have the faith
that somehow I will find my way.

Chorus 2:
Count it all joy, yeah,
(in all that I'm going through),
(even when you're feeling down).

Count it all joy, yeah,
(each moment's a gift to you),
no matter what you're going through,
(so turn it all around).

Even in the darkest night,
(if you look straight ahead),
(there's a trace of sunlight waiting there),
yes, waiting there for me and you.

If you have cable access. You'll find a section that is loaded with great music of all styles and genres. I mostly listen to Contemporary Christian Music, Gospel, and Soundscapes. You might want to check this out and see if you can find a style that will provide you some inspiration. I hope you find that it is some gentle, yet powerful medicine.

<A HREF="http://www.klove.com/broadcast/playnow. ... isten&bt=1&" TARGET=_blank>On line CCM music player. </A> or this one <A HREF="http://wm-eon.vitalstreamcdn.com/live_e ... tlanta-sgn" TARGET=_blank>Gospel Music</A> These both require windows media player and a high speed connection.

<A HREF="http://www.shirleycason.com/" TARGET=_blank>New Age Music for relaxation.</A>

I will pray for your continuing physical and spiritual recovery. You are already more than a conquerer! Believe me it is on its way, it may just take a little time.

Hugs,

Gman