Looking for some advice

goodwillchic · Post by **goodwillchic** » Tue Dec 30, 2008 5:01 am

I am on Session 12 of the Program. I have grown a lot since I began in September. One area I struggle with is being assertive and I think I may have a golden opportunity to work on it...but I would like some advice.

Here's the situation: My fiance and I moved to Las Vegas this past year. We have since made a handful of friends. We have recently moved into a new apartment and I was looking forward to throwing a New Year's party for all my new friends. My fiance and I had a really fun evening planned. Everyone (three other couples) accepted our invitation. However, over Christmas two of the couples decided that if they come to our party they will not be able to drink as much as they want to because someone will need to drive home (we have a small apartment and can't offer to have anyone sleep over). Therefore one of the couples (the couple we are the closest with) has decide they will have a party at their house (they always have the parties at their house...Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas...everything). The wife of this couple has apologized for usurping my party and expects us to come over to their party. I found out all of this last night and tried to brush it off (disolve the frustration) and indicated that we would, of course, be at their house tomorrow for the party. However, after talking about it more with my fiance and sleeping on it...I'm still upset and feel that this will not just 'disolve'...so I need to 'resolve' this by standing up for myself and letting her know how this makes me feel.

So here are my questions: Is it unreasonable for me to be upset over this? I mean, isn't she the one breaking etiquette? How do I let her know how this made me feel without her thinking I have a grudge? Also, would it be in poor taste for my fiance and I to not show up to their party?

Thanks,
Goodwillchic

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Tue Dec 30, 2008 5:52 am

I am impressed that you are in session 12 in only 3 months. You are obviously very serious about getting better. It's also impressive to me that you planned a party in your home - - I have never had the "courage" to do that. As far as your situation, I can see why you would be angry or offended at the party being moved like this. Then I wonder why two of the couples plan to drink so much that neither one of them can even drive home. Perhaps you could have driven them home, but too late for that. I assume they are going to sleep over at the other couple's home. I don't know that I have the skills yet to cope with this, I haven't even recd my program yet, but I'm thinking I would still go to the party, and drink moderately if at all since alcohol is not good for depression anyway. I will be interested to see what others say.

In the meantime, congratulations to you on your progress in the program!

Linda

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Tue Dec 30, 2008 6:06 am

Thanks for the reply Linda and for validating my feelings.

I really think you will love the program. I'm actually in a bit of limbo with the program. Because I had Christmas plus moving into a new apartment all in the same week, I've put the program on hold. I'm trying to get back into my routine and start back up where I left off in Session 12.

Good luck with the program and stick with this website...there are great people and tools to be found here

AD1973 · Post by **AD1973** » Tue Dec 30, 2008 6:54 am

Have you considered talking to your friend whom took over your party again? This is tough, but they may have assumed that they were helping you threw the problem of limited space, and that their goal was for all of you to be together. They may not realize they have in all their good intentions hurt you. Assertivness is communicating in a way so both you and they are on the same page. Try talking again and then go if you feel better and not resentful to them. Good Luck

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Tue Dec 30, 2008 7:13 am

Hi goodwillchic - her intentions seem genuine and she may not realize that she has offended you. She may be thinking that she is doing everyone a favor so that if the drinking does get out of hand then everyone would have a place to stay instead of driving home. I have seen both sides of drinking and driving...and neither is pretty. Safety and celebrating with friends and loved ones is what is most important. Unless you truly think that she is doing this maliciously then you may have to look deep inside and see if maybe you are overreacting.

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Tue Dec 30, 2008 8:07 am

I do want to speak with her again (in fact, she has asked me to call her today at lunch). I suppose I'm just not sure what to say...especially since she already apologized for taking over. Maybe I just have to allow myself to be upset for a little while...I know it will pass. I just feel like I'm in a hurry to get over all of this since the New Year's Eve is tomorrow. Doesn't leave me much time to let all this just float on by. Anyone have some advice on what to say to her? A good way to say, "Hey, my feelings are hurt because I was really looking forward to hosting this party. I think it was really lame that everyone accepted my invitation, knowing the situation with my apartment and then backed out at the last minute." I don't want the new hostest (my closest friend in Las Vegas) to feel like I'm dumping on her when she is just trying to make this New Year's party work for everyone.

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Tue Dec 30, 2008 8:44 am

MAYBE YOUR FRIEND WAS JUST TRYING TO MAKE IT WORK FOR EVERYONE. MY FIRST THOUGHT WAS TO NOT GO. SINCE I DON'T KNOW THE PEOPLE INVOLVED IT DOES SEEM SHE WAS RUDE TO HAVE A PARTY AND NOT DISCUSS IT WITH YOU FIRST. I WOULD DEFINITELY TALK TO HER AND TELL HER YOU ARE DISAPPOINT AND LOOKING FORWARD TO HOSTING THIS PARTY.

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Tue Dec 30, 2008 8:56 am

goodwillchic,
After reading your post I just want to comment on the strangeness that has occured....My girlfriend and I have recently moved into a house (July),we have invited some frineds over for New Years Eve (3 other couples) and I am also in session 12 and have been on a strict schedule with the program but have put it on hold with Christmas, New Years, Etc.....Just wanted to say that I though that was very weird (haha)....As far as your situation....I would just talk with her seriously and let her know that you were bothered by what she did and that is all you can do becasue you cannot change how other people are or what they do.......One question for you.....Do you take any type of anti-anxiety or anti-depressents?

Thanks, Earsie

Happy New Year!

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Tue Dec 30, 2008 9:05 am

You could tell your friend that you know her place is big enough for the get together and if anybody needed to stay safe by sleeping over as being thoughtful, but let her know that you were very excited about hosting the party because you are new in town. But, let her know that you definitely are signed up to host the next party. You could go to her place for the party and enjoy yourself knowing that you did not have to stress about getting everything ready and cleaning up afterwards. Happy 2009!

LisaLisa

Ivyheart <>< · Post by **Ivyheart <><** » Tue Dec 30, 2008 10:25 am

To everyone,

Thank you very much for confirming that it was in poor taste for this couple to simply take over the party without speaking to me before making the decision.

I feel confident that my friend is not trying to hurt my feelings to 'take control', she is just trying to make sure we can all be together and prevent more arguements over who will be the DD.

I think I will tell her that my feelings were hurt when they choose to exclude me from the decision making process about what would be best for everyone. I will make sure to use "I" phrases and to end on a positive.

Also, Lisa, I love your idea of telling her I'm definitely "signed up" for hosting the next party.

Earsie...that is too weird. I hope you have a very sucessful New Year's party. My fiance and I were going to make it a Las Vegas themed party with a murder mystery to solve. We were going to give every chips to gamble with and they could win clues by winning the games. Were even going to give out door prizes and a copy of the movie "Clue" for whomever guessed the murderer. Oh well...next time, right?

Thanks again for all the advice. Just being able to vent to people who are so understanding today has helped me to let go of the resentment I was still feeling from last night.

I'll let you all know what we end up doing and how it goes.

Happy New Year!