I was just wondering if anyone out there has anything they would like to share about abandonment issues. I'm struggling with mine. Especially since my BF is leaving next week for work. He's really only going to be gone for 4 days, and he'll be only a 2 hour car ride away, but there is that little fear voice inside of me What if-ing and catrastophizing (not sure if that's how to spell it but you get the idea). I'm doing okay as far as self talk but it seems I just keep going around in the same circle. He's only going to be gone a few days, it'll be nice to have a break. I can spend some time with myself, and then on to what if he doesn't come back, what if he realizes how much easier life is without me....etc etc.
I have made some progress, but I'm just wondering how do we develop secure attachments to people? It seems as if right now I'm stuck in an insecure attachment to him. I'm so afraid of being alon, of losing him. I know deep down inside I would survive, i would eventually get over it and deal, but why is that fear so big?
Abandonment Issues
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Guest
I felt abandoned when my mom died a few months ago--I'd lived with her my whole life and my dad until he died in 2000,,,and now I live alone...I realize I was very co-dependent even though I was her caregiver and also my dad's caregiver and the roles were reversed. Trouble is I wasn't comfortable with myself after she died because I wasn't living an independent life and freaked, pretty much...I'd never lived an independent life..My life had been defined by being there for them..that was about it..
So what Iam trying to say is you need to be your own person and have your own life before you are ready to be with someone...It sounds like you are co-dependent too and have doubts too..In other words you should both be complete people and compliment each other,,,and you shouldn't look for another person to make things ok or rescue you or make you complete....so when you get to that self-sufficient confident place you will be fine alone,,know that separations are sometimes necessary and look forward to seeing the person again...and you will feel comfortable about the whole process...That is what I hope to feel soon too..
I could be way off base here, I'm not a trained professional...but I can relate to what you are going through in a different way but with a different take on the abandonment issue...
Does this sound like it makes any sense to you?
Karin
So what Iam trying to say is you need to be your own person and have your own life before you are ready to be with someone...It sounds like you are co-dependent too and have doubts too..In other words you should both be complete people and compliment each other,,,and you shouldn't look for another person to make things ok or rescue you or make you complete....so when you get to that self-sufficient confident place you will be fine alone,,know that separations are sometimes necessary and look forward to seeing the person again...and you will feel comfortable about the whole process...That is what I hope to feel soon too..
I could be way off base here, I'm not a trained professional...but I can relate to what you are going through in a different way but with a different take on the abandonment issue...
Does this sound like it makes any sense to you?
Karin
Originally posted by aleisa123:
I was just wondering if anyone out there has anything they would like to share about abandonment issues. I'm struggling with mine. Especially since my BF is leaving next week for work. He's really only going to be gone for 4 days, and he'll be only a 2 hour car ride away, but there is that little fear voice inside of me What if-ing and catrastophizing (not sure if that's how to spell it but you get the idea). I'm doing okay as far as self talk but it seems I just keep going around in the same circle. He's only going to be gone a few days, it'll be nice to have a break. I can spend some time with myself, and then on to what if he doesn't come back, what if he realizes how much easier life is without me....etc etc.
I have made some progress, but I'm just wondering how do we develop secure attachments to people? It seems as if right now I'm stuck in an insecure attachment to him. I'm so afraid of being alon, of losing him. I know deep down inside I would survive, i would eventually get over it and deal, but why is that fear so big?
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Guest
Hi Karin. I'm soory for the loos of your mom, and thanks for your reply, and I think you're right, I do need to be an independent person and be able to stand on my own. It's funny, I've been with my BF for almost eight years, and even though he's been great and has been there through thick and thin. there is still that fear that he will leave or be gone. I guess it's just a process though, because at least now I am aware of what's going on. I'm getting better at saying, "Oh that's just my abandonment issue acting up again." Where as a year ago, I behaved similar to Lucinda's story in session 7, I would get angry and lash out with that "I don't need you" attitude. I thought that by being a tough bitch I was invincible, but I did't realize that it was my insecurities that lead me to behave that way.
I guess I'm still in trasition from that unhealthy attachment to a healthy one. Sometimes I think of how I used to behave and I dall into that guilt and shame trap, but I just keep reminding myself that I don't have to dwell on the past, and now I am behaving in much healthier ways.
I guess I'm still in trasition from that unhealthy attachment to a healthy one. Sometimes I think of how I used to behave and I dall into that guilt and shame trap, but I just keep reminding myself that I don't have to dwell on the past, and now I am behaving in much healthier ways.
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Mello Nello
- Posts: 299
- Joined: Thu Feb 17, 2005 2:00 am
Hi,
I have those issues too, and you are right-you are now aware of them and making progress in the right direction. I've recently been reading some books such as "Boundaries" and "Changes That Heal" by Henry Cloud. Also, a good book on co-dependency is "Please Don't Say You Need Me."
Really, to me and from what I've read and not being a therapist myself either, proper boundaries is what this is all about. Proper boundaries help us to form our own identities. If we grew up in a family where we were abandoned and didn't have proper boundaries, we just didn't develop properly and internalize love and safety from healthy loving caregivers, and now we can take control by learning about boundaries and self-love and unconditional love from God. When we have abandonment issues, we still feel like a child inside, and we see our mate as our parent who may abandon us. We have to deal with those issues, and realize that we are adults who can take care of ourselves. We have to be our own parents so to speak and make wise decisions to have relationships with safe people.
Basically, in an adult relationship, our mate can choose to leave and not come back if they want to. True love is based on freedom and choice. If we control our mates because we are afraid they will leave us, this is not true love. Some people in our lives may get esteem from our controlling behaviors and fears, but really they are unhealthy too if they do so because they feel power from knowing that we are dependent on them, and that is not true love. True love means taking a risk and using the best judgment we can in who we decide to trust and love. That's all we can really do, and it is of course as scary as heck-probably our greatest fear when we don't feel like adults who are worthy of unconditional love and who can take care of ourselves no matter what.
I'm going to be honest with you that I am not there yet. I'm very dependent on my husband. One of the things that makes it so difficult for me is that we have a son with severe autism. It's just my greatest nightmare to be alone and raising my child who has so many needs. I'm working on it though, but it's tuff. I have seen improvements, but it's taking time. It's the BIG issue for me too.
You are definitely not alone, and those books, especially the "Changes that Heal" book really talk about these issues, and I feel I am being helped tremendously by these books. It is a process though.
Take Care,
luvpiggy
I have those issues too, and you are right-you are now aware of them and making progress in the right direction. I've recently been reading some books such as "Boundaries" and "Changes That Heal" by Henry Cloud. Also, a good book on co-dependency is "Please Don't Say You Need Me."
Really, to me and from what I've read and not being a therapist myself either, proper boundaries is what this is all about. Proper boundaries help us to form our own identities. If we grew up in a family where we were abandoned and didn't have proper boundaries, we just didn't develop properly and internalize love and safety from healthy loving caregivers, and now we can take control by learning about boundaries and self-love and unconditional love from God. When we have abandonment issues, we still feel like a child inside, and we see our mate as our parent who may abandon us. We have to deal with those issues, and realize that we are adults who can take care of ourselves. We have to be our own parents so to speak and make wise decisions to have relationships with safe people.
Basically, in an adult relationship, our mate can choose to leave and not come back if they want to. True love is based on freedom and choice. If we control our mates because we are afraid they will leave us, this is not true love. Some people in our lives may get esteem from our controlling behaviors and fears, but really they are unhealthy too if they do so because they feel power from knowing that we are dependent on them, and that is not true love. True love means taking a risk and using the best judgment we can in who we decide to trust and love. That's all we can really do, and it is of course as scary as heck-probably our greatest fear when we don't feel like adults who are worthy of unconditional love and who can take care of ourselves no matter what.
I'm going to be honest with you that I am not there yet. I'm very dependent on my husband. One of the things that makes it so difficult for me is that we have a son with severe autism. It's just my greatest nightmare to be alone and raising my child who has so many needs. I'm working on it though, but it's tuff. I have seen improvements, but it's taking time. It's the BIG issue for me too.
You are definitely not alone, and those books, especially the "Changes that Heal" book really talk about these issues, and I feel I am being helped tremendously by these books. It is a process though.
Take Care,
luvpiggy