Just started yesterday
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Tamara Tracy
- Posts: 3
- Joined: Sun Jun 14, 2009 2:16 pm
I just started session 1 yesterday. I always thought depression was my problem and it is, but I am learning like right now, I have generalized anxiety as well, I just didn't tell anyone! Is there anyone else who has just started? I am feeling sort of alone. I guess I wonder if I can do this, I mean I am hearing really good things about the program, but I am scared of what will happen.
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Guest
Hi: I just started about 1/2 hour ago and yes, I have both depression & anxiety. In time I hope both you and I will be able to help each other out. I have a friend (we met through the internet) and she lives in New Brunswick, Canada!! How about that!! She is a very, very wonderful friend - don't know what I'd do without her. Hope you & I can become friends too!! Take Care Caringgal
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Guest
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Guest
well, i just started yesterday, the 19th, and thought the first session was boring, but thats just me. i have had anxiety and depression since maybe forever but seventh grade. Today I woke up and feel that I have all this new energy!! I feel wonderful!!!! Like i can go running and start it without analyzing it! Good luck to all, keep in touch, Abby
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Guest
I too have just started yesterday. I am in the 30 month trial and am eager for results. I have generalized anxiety and panic attacks mostly caused by my "what if" thinking. I am feeling a little overwhelmed with the information and am afraid to face my fears especially when my attacks occur when I'm driving. But I am trying to be positive and am hopeful this program and support group will work. I have been dealing with this for only about a year but it was worsening and I find it a miracle to find this program and hope that its the answers to my prayers. Best luck to you too!! We can work together.
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Guest
Hi: I am embarrased to say that I have had the program for 6 months and haven't gotten past week one. Maybee, I am in too deep. My depression starts back in childhood. I just turned 54. I didn't really have a childhood. From as long as I can remember I was responsible for watching my 2 younger sisters. If they did something wrong, I was punished. Our family did do things together but it wasn't always plesant. Daddy was in the milatary so we were never near relatives and moved alot. I can remember when we made our final move to (unnamed location) crying to the song California Dreaming by the Mama's and Papa's. I think I was in 6th grade. I just knew that this final move was a bad thing. And it was. After 2 years Mom went to work and my life really became hell. My sisters did their best, not to do what was on the chore list. Daddy would drive home from work between 4-4:30 every day and hell would break loose. Usually with a miliatary belt, buckle 1st. We were kicked with his boots and I was grounded for things out of my control.
I am 3 and 4 yrs older than my sisters which made their bond stonger. I had my own bedroom, they resented that. If my grades were worse than my sisters, My house key was given to my youngest sister for a month. But I was still responsible for their actions.
There are cherished memories with Daddy, I was the one who would help him fix his car. So we spent hours together in the garage just the 2 of us. I treasure those times.
When my Dad lined us up in the bathroom to spank us with the belt, my mom usually pulled my youngest sister out. Daddy never stopped it.
Later, I did ask my Mom why she pulled my little sister out and she said "I wanted her to llearn." I'm not sure what that meant.
So my middle sister and I got beat and we resented her.
The three of us fought, mainly my middle sister had the worst temper. She would try to stab me with knifes, hit my with vacume cleaner wands. I ended up breaking windows trying to dodge the knife.After one of those episodes our Dad called us into the garage and said that he was so ashamed of us that we now had to call him MR. Ma--- instead of Daddy. I was devestated!
Around 7th grade one summer on the weekend. I snuck into the garage and packed a small suitcase on my bicycle and was getting ready to leave.My middle sister found me, she wanted to go too. So she got her things, by then the youngest woke and wanted to come also. I just couldn't tell them no. I didn't want to take them with me. But I didn't want to leave them behind. We all realized that Daddy would be getting up soon so we put our things away and stayed home.
Around 9th grade the fighting between my parents really got bad. It had always been there especially during the holidays. One memory I have as a little girl of 3-4 my parents had gone out and daddy took the sitter home and had returned. I was woken up to Mama crying for my help. Daddy had her by the wrists, she was on her knees in the corner with the dining room table in fromt of them. I walked into the room and Mama begged me in tears to call the police. Daddy said yes K--- call the police. He looked at me very menacing and slid the phone over to me. I knew I had to make a choice between the 2 of them. But I couldn't do it. I was afraid of the look my father had given me. Daddy sent me to bed and Mama was very diappointed in me. Possibly she didn't feel I could be relied on?
Well by 9th grade Daddy was taking things out on all of us. I went down stairs and asked my Mom why she didn't get a divorce? It wasn't much later divorce proceedings started. Daddy claimed Mama cheated. Just before he died Daddy admitted he cheated too. (My parents are human I don't blame them for infedelity. They were unhappy.
When I entered HS it was just my Mom and my sisters. But I was angry at my Mom because my Dad moved 3 states away. He said he couldn't stand to be around our mom. In my 10th grade mind I thought He hates her more than he loves us... My high school years were pretty normal, I HAD FUN! I was popular, had a steady boyfriend got involved with school activities like theater. I could have graduated early but Mom wouldn't let me leave the house at 17. Smart Mom! I ran away once and when Mama and I talked I told her I wanted to live with my Dad, it didn't last long. I missed my friends, I had arranged to come back and graduate with them. My dad said he knew nothing of the arrangement. So my heart was broken.I felt betrayed! As a senior I dated guys right out of HS and in College. One thing led to another.. pregnancy. and an abortion. It was a very tramatic event for me.It was all arranged while my mom was visiting relatives in Vegas. She got back and I was deathly ill. I made the father sound like a raving dope fiend. and Mama never let me talk to him again. (I found out years later that he did try to call from my mom. I broke down crying) but it was my fault. Another guy I was dating sort of asked me to marry him. I said yes. Next thing we know we are engaged and planning a June wedding a month right out of HS. Later truth be told neither of us wanted to get married. The marriage produced my oldest son. Who i love with all my heart. Afraid of repeating how I was treated, I let my son go live with his dad at the age of 2. Then I spent the next 6-8 years punishing myself for doing it. Drugs,parties, dancing, I lived it up. I had the childhood I had missed. But my little boy was never far from me in my mind.. I did a BANG UP Job punishing myselg!! During that time I didn't know it but I was drugged and raped left naked on the banks of the Sacremento River.(1977) That memory didn't surface until 2004. In 1978 I moved back to Stockton and my close friends said that I had changed, I was more promiscious, flirtatious, I became suicidal. I couldn't tell you why. I didn't know why! I lost my dear friend who died of cancer at the age of 36. I met my 2nd husband who I swore I would never marry, but I did one month after my second son was born. My Mom influenced that marriage also. The marriage lasted 10 months. We moved back to the state my dad had brought us to so many years before. I have struggled with depression and fighting it throughout my whole life. It came to a head the day the Challenger went down in the 80's. Anxiety had the walls literally closing in on my every day twice daily. Guess the times.. 8AM-when Daddy went to work and 4PM- when Daddy was headed home. It took a few counseling sessions to realize that one. I remember praying to God telling him, I can't continue like this.. Every night I would go home and take care of my young son. Take my meds and lay down on the couch. Only to wake up at 10:30pm with my son asleep on the floor next to me with his favorite blanket. I wish I could change that for him. I feel so bad. Poor baby.
He says he is proud of the way I raised him. And I truly gave him my best. but times like I just mention just crush me.
1986 I feel deeply in love. 1987 I asked my sons permission if Bob could move in. YES.was the answer. We had some great years.. I continued to see a therapist off and on for anxiety.1989 we married. to me this was my truly 1st marriage. I wanted this with my whole being. I loved his family, they loved me. But he had secrets..they came out one per year. Me not knowing I had been raped DID NOT HELP. Intimacy issues!! Embezzlement, someone in his past attempted to rape him. he sort of molested his sister.. don't know how far it went. I MADE HIM APPOLOGIZE to his sister and MOM. His sister did not remember! I truly made a huge mess by trying to fix things. I feel so bad. They hate me and I understand why.
1987 I had an overnight fling after 2 years of no form of intimacy. His reaction "I can't say you didn't warn me"
1999 I had a full blown affair that ended my marriage.
I wish I could change it. I still love my husband. I have NEVER cheated in a relationship ever!!
2002 after 8 weeks of taking care of my beloved Mom she dies of lung cancer that had spread through her entire body. My sisters and I will never get along again. Middle one disowned us.
2003 put under suvaliance by police.. I am a terrorist? People follow me wherever I go. My life is threatend, My son's is. They look for drugs.. nothing! FBI moves in next door for our protection about 4 months later they are gone.
I am run off the road 4 times. I can't continue college, there are men there causing me problems. The dean asks me to leave thinks i am the trouble maker!
I chase an man down in a red truck identical to the one that has been running me off the road. Turns out to be the wrong person. The following week the other red truck is parked on the street for sale. Curious..
2005 Spring.. I pack what I can take my dog furniture, go west. End up in Hospital w kidney stones.SO GLAD TO SEE SONS! SO HAPPY TO BE HERE!
By the end of summer sons can't understand why I aam so depressed. One says goodbye forever. the other goes on trip w me to NM.
2007 My DAD Dies.. The depression is back! I miss both of my parents so much! I spent part of 06 living in Daddys residence going through his things. Feeing as close as close to him as ai could. He had some horrible neighbors that gave him such grief. I saw it with my own eyes, they treated me the same way. Poor man. I wish he would have let me do more for him. He left all of his cash $130,000.00 to my youngest sister. But we think he wanted her to be the executor. The will I had stood in court. Now I have no sisters, No Mom and no dad, NO sons and my Grandkids are too young to come to see me on their own. Most of my friends either live too far away or don't know how to deal with the sad me!! Only the happy one!! I question why I am living some days.I am the Executor of Daddys estate and I have asked the Lord many times, How much longer do I have to do this? Is there life after this?? My sisters are hateful, I couldn't begin to tell you which is worse. My joy comes from Daddys little dog that I have. NOW, AFTER THIS NOVEL THAT I HAVE WRITTEN PLEASE SOMEONE TELL ME WHERE, JUST WHERE DO I GO FROM HERE?? PLEASE?
I am 3 and 4 yrs older than my sisters which made their bond stonger. I had my own bedroom, they resented that. If my grades were worse than my sisters, My house key was given to my youngest sister for a month. But I was still responsible for their actions.
There are cherished memories with Daddy, I was the one who would help him fix his car. So we spent hours together in the garage just the 2 of us. I treasure those times.
When my Dad lined us up in the bathroom to spank us with the belt, my mom usually pulled my youngest sister out. Daddy never stopped it.
Later, I did ask my Mom why she pulled my little sister out and she said "I wanted her to llearn." I'm not sure what that meant.
So my middle sister and I got beat and we resented her.
The three of us fought, mainly my middle sister had the worst temper. She would try to stab me with knifes, hit my with vacume cleaner wands. I ended up breaking windows trying to dodge the knife.After one of those episodes our Dad called us into the garage and said that he was so ashamed of us that we now had to call him MR. Ma--- instead of Daddy. I was devestated!
Around 7th grade one summer on the weekend. I snuck into the garage and packed a small suitcase on my bicycle and was getting ready to leave.My middle sister found me, she wanted to go too. So she got her things, by then the youngest woke and wanted to come also. I just couldn't tell them no. I didn't want to take them with me. But I didn't want to leave them behind. We all realized that Daddy would be getting up soon so we put our things away and stayed home.
Around 9th grade the fighting between my parents really got bad. It had always been there especially during the holidays. One memory I have as a little girl of 3-4 my parents had gone out and daddy took the sitter home and had returned. I was woken up to Mama crying for my help. Daddy had her by the wrists, she was on her knees in the corner with the dining room table in fromt of them. I walked into the room and Mama begged me in tears to call the police. Daddy said yes K--- call the police. He looked at me very menacing and slid the phone over to me. I knew I had to make a choice between the 2 of them. But I couldn't do it. I was afraid of the look my father had given me. Daddy sent me to bed and Mama was very diappointed in me. Possibly she didn't feel I could be relied on?
Well by 9th grade Daddy was taking things out on all of us. I went down stairs and asked my Mom why she didn't get a divorce? It wasn't much later divorce proceedings started. Daddy claimed Mama cheated. Just before he died Daddy admitted he cheated too. (My parents are human I don't blame them for infedelity. They were unhappy.
When I entered HS it was just my Mom and my sisters. But I was angry at my Mom because my Dad moved 3 states away. He said he couldn't stand to be around our mom. In my 10th grade mind I thought He hates her more than he loves us... My high school years were pretty normal, I HAD FUN! I was popular, had a steady boyfriend got involved with school activities like theater. I could have graduated early but Mom wouldn't let me leave the house at 17. Smart Mom! I ran away once and when Mama and I talked I told her I wanted to live with my Dad, it didn't last long. I missed my friends, I had arranged to come back and graduate with them. My dad said he knew nothing of the arrangement. So my heart was broken.I felt betrayed! As a senior I dated guys right out of HS and in College. One thing led to another.. pregnancy. and an abortion. It was a very tramatic event for me.It was all arranged while my mom was visiting relatives in Vegas. She got back and I was deathly ill. I made the father sound like a raving dope fiend. and Mama never let me talk to him again. (I found out years later that he did try to call from my mom. I broke down crying) but it was my fault. Another guy I was dating sort of asked me to marry him. I said yes. Next thing we know we are engaged and planning a June wedding a month right out of HS. Later truth be told neither of us wanted to get married. The marriage produced my oldest son. Who i love with all my heart. Afraid of repeating how I was treated, I let my son go live with his dad at the age of 2. Then I spent the next 6-8 years punishing myself for doing it. Drugs,parties, dancing, I lived it up. I had the childhood I had missed. But my little boy was never far from me in my mind.. I did a BANG UP Job punishing myselg!! During that time I didn't know it but I was drugged and raped left naked on the banks of the Sacremento River.(1977) That memory didn't surface until 2004. In 1978 I moved back to Stockton and my close friends said that I had changed, I was more promiscious, flirtatious, I became suicidal. I couldn't tell you why. I didn't know why! I lost my dear friend who died of cancer at the age of 36. I met my 2nd husband who I swore I would never marry, but I did one month after my second son was born. My Mom influenced that marriage also. The marriage lasted 10 months. We moved back to the state my dad had brought us to so many years before. I have struggled with depression and fighting it throughout my whole life. It came to a head the day the Challenger went down in the 80's. Anxiety had the walls literally closing in on my every day twice daily. Guess the times.. 8AM-when Daddy went to work and 4PM- when Daddy was headed home. It took a few counseling sessions to realize that one. I remember praying to God telling him, I can't continue like this.. Every night I would go home and take care of my young son. Take my meds and lay down on the couch. Only to wake up at 10:30pm with my son asleep on the floor next to me with his favorite blanket. I wish I could change that for him. I feel so bad. Poor baby.
He says he is proud of the way I raised him. And I truly gave him my best. but times like I just mention just crush me.
1986 I feel deeply in love. 1987 I asked my sons permission if Bob could move in. YES.was the answer. We had some great years.. I continued to see a therapist off and on for anxiety.1989 we married. to me this was my truly 1st marriage. I wanted this with my whole being. I loved his family, they loved me. But he had secrets..they came out one per year. Me not knowing I had been raped DID NOT HELP. Intimacy issues!! Embezzlement, someone in his past attempted to rape him. he sort of molested his sister.. don't know how far it went. I MADE HIM APPOLOGIZE to his sister and MOM. His sister did not remember! I truly made a huge mess by trying to fix things. I feel so bad. They hate me and I understand why.
1987 I had an overnight fling after 2 years of no form of intimacy. His reaction "I can't say you didn't warn me"
1999 I had a full blown affair that ended my marriage.
I wish I could change it. I still love my husband. I have NEVER cheated in a relationship ever!!
2002 after 8 weeks of taking care of my beloved Mom she dies of lung cancer that had spread through her entire body. My sisters and I will never get along again. Middle one disowned us.
2003 put under suvaliance by police.. I am a terrorist? People follow me wherever I go. My life is threatend, My son's is. They look for drugs.. nothing! FBI moves in next door for our protection about 4 months later they are gone.
I am run off the road 4 times. I can't continue college, there are men there causing me problems. The dean asks me to leave thinks i am the trouble maker!
I chase an man down in a red truck identical to the one that has been running me off the road. Turns out to be the wrong person. The following week the other red truck is parked on the street for sale. Curious..
2005 Spring.. I pack what I can take my dog furniture, go west. End up in Hospital w kidney stones.SO GLAD TO SEE SONS! SO HAPPY TO BE HERE!
By the end of summer sons can't understand why I aam so depressed. One says goodbye forever. the other goes on trip w me to NM.
2007 My DAD Dies.. The depression is back! I miss both of my parents so much! I spent part of 06 living in Daddys residence going through his things. Feeing as close as close to him as ai could. He had some horrible neighbors that gave him such grief. I saw it with my own eyes, they treated me the same way. Poor man. I wish he would have let me do more for him. He left all of his cash $130,000.00 to my youngest sister. But we think he wanted her to be the executor. The will I had stood in court. Now I have no sisters, No Mom and no dad, NO sons and my Grandkids are too young to come to see me on their own. Most of my friends either live too far away or don't know how to deal with the sad me!! Only the happy one!! I question why I am living some days.I am the Executor of Daddys estate and I have asked the Lord many times, How much longer do I have to do this? Is there life after this?? My sisters are hateful, I couldn't begin to tell you which is worse. My joy comes from Daddys little dog that I have. NOW, AFTER THIS NOVEL THAT I HAVE WRITTEN PLEASE SOMEONE TELL ME WHERE, JUST WHERE DO I GO FROM HERE?? PLEASE?
Last edited by Wish upon a star on Sat Jul 11, 2009 1:33 am, edited 1 time in total.