Post
by Guest » Tue Mar 25, 2008 6:34 am
Hi,
This is a very interesting point of view. Right now, I'm really exploring my honesty and my motivations for when and why I choose to help others, go to events of friends, etc. I've just gotten out of a friendship that ended when I realized that the person had some wrong motives for helping me and my child with autism, and it had a very serious impact. I've been very inspired by books written by Henry Cloud. In his book, "Boundaries", he points out how Jesus' teachings include "let your 'yes' be 'yes', and your 'no' be 'no.'" To me, this means that it is best not to go to an event or give to a friend unless we truly want to out of love, and to never do so out of guilt. If we are honest about our motivations, we may find that we don't give as much, etc., and then we have to examine ourselves and see if that's a problem, but giving for the wrong motivations is usually not a good option. I know that we're never all going to be perfect, but it's just a goal to move in the right direction of honesty and authenticity. If we never give to anyone anymore because we aren't motivated for the right reasons then that's a big lesson, but it's the truth. If we were giving to make it "look" like we are a wonderful giving person, and not out of love, then dealing with the painful truth will help in the long run.
I guess I wouldn't go so far as to say "I'm sorry is NEVER a discussion." Maybe I'm misunderstanding, but I think you are saying that you shouldn't have to say more if you are truly sorry to begin with. I think that what you are saying is that to add more to the "discussion" would mean that you aren't truly sorry and believe that your friend is entitled to forgive you because of your excuse. That would mean that you really aren't sorry. I guess that could be what you are saying:).
I'll just add that for me personally, if the person is truly sorry and doesn't automatically expect for me to understand, it could help me to understand why my friend didn't show up to a special event even if it was for a selfish reason. I mean if it is for what I perceive as a selfish reason, it will just be one more lesson in life that we are all flawed human beings who don't always do the right thing, and we can't put even our closest friends up on pedestals. I don't think we can make an assumption that the other person doesn't want to hear why because it just depends on the person. The reason may or may not be something that I agree with as being a legitimate excuse, but the person giving me the reason isn't responsible for that. They are just responsible for being honest. Sometimes, hearing the reason can actually ease some hurt for the person who was "stood up." I mean if someone did something that hurt me, sincerely apologized, and gave an explanation as part of their "confession" this could possibly ease the hurt because I would know it wasn't about me. On the flip side, I couldn't be there for the friend I mentioned earlier when she moved because my son's life was in danger. It was legitimate in my eyes, but not in hers. From both of us being honest, we were able to see the true nature of the friendship, and she was able to see that there were circumstances when I wasn't going to choose her over my needs or especially, those of my son. I didn't feel guilty. She felt entitled. I think this honesty helped both of us in the long run even though we chose not to be friends anymore. I don't want to be best friends with someone who doesn't understand my priorities of raising a child with an incurable brain disorder, and she will be better off choosing friends with different life circumstances. She obviously feels that she has needs that I couldn't meet, and she is free to move on to someone she feels can meet those needs.
I guess in your eyes you did choose your needs over your friend's need. I, as a fellow human being can't really judge you for that because it really is in the "eye of the beholder". I have a child with autism, and lack of sleep is a serious situation for me and my husband. New studies are coming out that show how important sleep actually is, especially for psychological functioning. In my family, we've all had years of long-term sleep deprivation, and the things we've tried aren't working, and it does matter and effect us. I joke that we often feel like specimens in a mad scientist's experiment:). Most of the time, most people just don't understand or see it as legitimate. I know what my life was life when I chose or couldn't sleep for some other reason before my son, and it is definitely very different, and most people aren't ever going to take that into account when they interact with me, except for those who are going through it. As a friend, I would definitely care if you were exhausted because I know that I have to miss things a lot out of exhaustion. I don't want you to come if you don't want to. Maybe if it's an emergency life or death situation when I needed you, I wouldn't care about your motivations as much, but for an anniversary party, I don't want you to come if you don't want to. Friendship is a gift, not an obligation. I have that point of view, but someone else may not. Not saying that you didn't go because you chose your needs over your friends doesn't mean that you didn't make that choice. As long as when you say it and give the reason you don't automatically expect that she will understand, or she is entitled to forgive you or not feel bad then I don't think there is a problem with adding that as part of the apology. It's just about honesty.
Take care,
luvpiggy
"I'm sorry is not a discussion." It's a statement. It is meant to be a simple message of: "I see that this did not go well- I hurt you- I'm sorry."