Its better to let out all the emotion than to keep it all inside.
Oh yes, I always felt I was not good enough. I never knew what I did. It made me over evaluate myself and question everything. I was not a bad student some A's B's & C's. I think I got a few D's and had to go to get tutored. My mom was very strict, appeared to have no emotion. I was so sensitive no one ever had to really punish me, just the look. She had house rules that made no sense to me, and all my friends never had such things.
When I moved out, and to Oregon, my father and mother were finally ending a long messed up marriage. I was very close to my dad, and his mother (My grandma) Thank God I had them both in my life, they gave me balance and security.
I gave it lots of thought and even talked to my father after I learned about everything from my sister.
My mother does not know I know. I have given her many of chances to tell me, but she has never taken the chances. I'm not sure if I want to bring it up to her as technology I don't know about it. I risk the wrath of getting my sister in trouble if I disclose my source. And my dad basically, said its not going to change anything and after a long conversation with him I agree.
I understand you having a hard time with my statement, doing the best they could with what they knew. It is hard for me as well. I always thought it was because my mothers family were dirt poor. There was alot of ignorance. I think you used the word retarded. Ignorance I think is more fitting at least in my mothers case. It is very hard to believe that someone would not seek out right, but... we are not the judge. We think and would do different. So I can not make excuses for why things are the way they are.
I think shame plays a huge roll as well. What would others think? My mother ended up taking on a perfection roll and used higher society as her measuring stick. It was impossible and I realized that at a younger age. I started to be a under achiever to counter balance it. That was wrong of me as well, but I never realized I was doing it in a choice mode. I have chosen to believe that my mother loves me. I can not expect a different mother after 52 years of the same one. I have learned to care for myself and if I would ever let my feelings out to her I know she could not take it. That is not my wish for her, as I do love her and wish the very best life has to offer. I can not ever understand it, Mike. I have to just let it go, as I do not want to waste my WHOLE life making peace that I'm the only one searching for it. My perception of it, anyhow.
For you its much harder as your mom passed. I'm not sure if there is anything on this planet that could make all the wrongs be right. This is a faith based idea that each of us has to decide on. I believe one day we will understand. And in the mean time, we need to live a contented life and try to reach to grow past and through situations that have been put in our paths.
Just my thoughts.
