Living the last 26 years with guilt

proudmomof2 · Post by **proudmomof2** » Wed Jul 30, 2008 10:06 am

I am about to talk about something that I have never told anyone and that no one knows about but me and the people involved. I have been carrying heavy guilt,worry and fear my whole adult life over this. Please don't judge, but I could use some advice on how to forgive myself.

When I was a child about 8 I guess and my cousin was about 5, we experimented with each other.... played doctor so to speak. Although it was mutual and no one forced anyone to do anything, when I was old enough to realize what I had done, I have felt horrible about myself ever since.

I know experimentation and curiosity about sex is normal for children. For some reason, I just can't get this out of my head that I did something really wrong. It effect my sex life with my husband today. I view sex as dirty. I think it goes back to this time in my life.

It does end there. I also experimented in early adolescense about age 11 with girl friends of mine. I wonder if I am the only one who feels weird about it now. I know I am not gay and I know it was all innocent, but I cannot shed this veil of disgust and guilt.

I feel a slight weight off my shoulders having confessed this as I have carried it over 20 years. Can anyone share something similar? Or am I really the freak I think I am and deserve punishment?

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Wed Jul 30, 2008 10:31 am

I think the best thing you could have done was get on here and confess what you did. i dont think there was anything wrong what you did. Like you said you where young and you experimented. You also said that you know it was all innocent. You just needed to let it out cause it bothered you so much. But know your not a bad person and especially not a freak and you should be proud you got it off your chest.

NinjaFrodo · Post by **NinjaFrodo** » Wed Jul 30, 2008 10:32 am

I have not experienced what you are talking about but I wanted to respond because at the end you asked if you "deserve punishment". Absolutely not. You were only 8 years old and the other child was 5.

You obviously have a different view on this now because you are older and you know differently. When you were younger you didn't know and that's o.k. I don't think you should go on and punish yourself for this. Also, when you were 11 I think you were just curious about sex and so were your girlfriends. It's not the first time I've heard girls at the age doing things like that so I wouldn't be overly concerned about it.

We've all done things that we regret looking back but don't fault yourself for things you did when you were a child. You are not a freak and you do not deserve punishment.

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Wed Jul 30, 2008 10:39 am

Thank you so much Brooklyn and GI. You don't know how much it means to me to hear from others that I am not a monster. I am in tears at the moment. I have held this in for sooooooooooooo long, I haven't even told my therapists over the years about it because I worried about them judging me or locking me up for being a child molester although I was a child myself. I was scared to death of what people would think of me. The only reason I revealed it here was because I knew no one would ever know who I was. I did know that this was holding me back from becoming the me I truly wanted to be. Any time I heard my cousin was having difficulty with men, I blamed myself. I thought I had turned her gay somehow. I also had extreme guilt over it being a realtive. The other times were friends, they still bothered me, but not as much as the one when I was 8. I hope she doesn't remember it since she was only 5. I would hate to have caused another person to hate themselves for over 20 years like I have. Thank you for listening and not judging.

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Thu Jul 31, 2008 1:00 am

Hi Hawaiihereicome, (love that!)
Please try to not let this bother you so much. You are OK. You are a good person! Please don't beat yourself up for something so long ago. Look at the courage it took for you to come on and say this that has been bothering you for so long! You were a child. Did you read Nature's post for this session 9 topic? I think it was in April 2008? It is very much like your situation. There is a lot of comfort and encouragement in the responses there.

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Thu Jul 31, 2008 4:59 am

I just finished reading nature's post and the responses. Thank you so much inspiration. I felt that I was the only one in the world who had done these things and who felt so guilty about them. I feel very similar to nature in that I thought I was a sicko. I thought I had ruined my cousin's life and everyone elses. I am going to have a hard time forgiving myself still, but at least I know now that I am not the only one and that people are more understanding that I thought they would be. I am very comforted by all of your words and hopefully now I can move forward.

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Thu Jul 31, 2008 5:51 am

WOW, me to. I was 7 or 8. It was a thing the neighborhood girls were doing(playing doctor). I even confessed it to my mother at age 10 because it bothered me so much. She said all kids play doctor and not to worry. And belive it or not these thoughts of that still come into my head at times, like when I cant sleep and Im obsessing about things from the past. You are for sure not alone and I actually feel a little better knowing Im not alone with this either. I know its very hard to open up about the things that we feel guilty about from our past but maybe thats part of the healing. process.

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Fri Aug 01, 2008 7:14 pm

But the things I did in the past could still hurt me now if certain people found out ---So how do I release THAT guilt?

Originally posted by Nicholene:
WOW, me to. I was 7 or 8. It was a thing the neighborhood girls were doing(playing doctor). I even confessed it to my mother at age 10 because it bothered me so much. She said all kids play doctor and not to worry. And belive it or not these thoughts of that still come into my head at times, like when I cant sleep and Im obsessing about things from the past. You are for sure not alone and I actually feel a little better knowing Im not alone with this either. I know its very hard to open up about the things that we feel guilty about from our past but maybe thats part of the healing. process.

Michele-IL · Post by **Michele-IL** » Sat Aug 02, 2008 3:04 am

That I dont know, releasing guilt for me is a hard one. That kind of guilt is deep within and I have it too for a different situation. I bury mine deep inside and I know that isnt the right thing to do. What has helped me is to do this program and learn to control my anxiety which is partly caused by my guilt. Maybe someone else can help with suggestions on guilt. I do feel for you. Nicki

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Sat Aug 02, 2008 3:08 am

I dido everything so far especially GI822, well said. We all seem to carry something instead of letting go and moving on. It's time to move forward, in a positive direction. Something learned here is that your kids someday or nephews/nieces might be in that situation. Think of how you would handle these situations after going through your past experience, ok?