Hi everyone,
how to start this...like everyone else-so much has happened to me. I will try my best to be brief. I hope someone will have the time to read this-and talk things out with me.
In short, my faith in God has been completely shattered.
I grew up a Christian. My faith was always strong-I always considered myself well grounded. For many years I even thought about becoming a minister. Overall I have had a pretty easy life-no tragedies or severe challenges really. I always thanked God for that. I stood up for my faith always-even when it wasn't popular. But all in all-my faith had never really been challenged, but I thought I was strong. I was wrong.
My story-one night
The days and nights were (and sometimes still are) absolutely horrible-beyond any words I can say. The pain, the gutwrenching, agonzing pain of severe clinical anxiety and depression. I am a grown 35 year old man but this brought me to sobbing tears that sent me to literally to the floor or to bed. Almost a year passed by and I sought and recieved medical help-but nothing helped. I cried out to God, pleading with him, begging him to help me. When nothing changed-I changed my prayer to a more simple one-I just wanted to know that he was there-and I was met with complete and absolute silence.
Late one night I felt like I was going out of my mind. I just couldn't take the pain and depression anymore. The anxiety was absolutely overwhelming-and the depression was worse than I know how to say. I stumbled out of the door leaving my wife and my two precious children inside. I was heartbroken and very, very scared... . I love my children so much, so very much but the pain had finally pushed me beyond my ability to cope. It had finally broken me.
I walked down the street in the dark, completely alone in the silence. I walked through the little village that I live nearby. All along the way were churches on each side. ..I pleaded with God to somehow-through some miracle-to have someone-ANYone at any one of them so I could talk with them..I desperately, desperately needed to know that God at least existed.-I went to each church and knocked on the doors-no one ansewered-there was just silence. the silence hurt so much. After that, I just staggered on.. I looked up to the sky-hoping to see some shooting star that would be a sign to me that he existed. but nothing. I was completely out of answers.
Cutting through the little village is a railroad track. Mindlessly I walked toward it. Nearby were two benches. I sat down-waiting. I cried. I hurt. the pain just NEVER STOPPED. the agony.. Alone in the snow, I prayed that someone driving by would be a christian-and seeing me alone might somehow be prompted to help me-but despite the many cars that passed by-no one came. I sat for hours waiting for a train to come. I fully intended to commit suicide that night. I was going to step in front of it just to end the pain. But no train came. So I walked home, feeling that God had even abandoned me in my quest for the peace of death.
Now, one might think that out of that experience my faith might grow-after all the train never came. But instead, that night my faith was shattered. Where was God? Why was he so silent? I understood that he doesn't cause pain-that we live in a fallen world where pain is inevitable-I had accepted that. But why was there no sign that he even existed? No shooting star, no one at any of those churches to talk to. It was like God had withdrawn from me, leaving me alone when I needed him the most. Either that-or he didn't exist-and that thought was the most terrifying of all.
Finally-after over a year of enduring this hell, that night my faith collapsed.
Please don't get me wrong. I understand the arrogance of wanting to see a miracle just "for me". But I had always felt that God was a personal and loving God-that he was always active and involved in our lives. And this night-as in all the ones before-I just couldn't feel him. I couldn't-and still don't-understand.
For so long I had cried out to God but I never heard or saw him. So many times I almost comitted suicide but each time-I stopped only because of how much I love my daughters. How can I describe how alone I felt during those moments-how completely hopeless I felt..
I can't deny that I have come to almost hate God. I love my daughters and would never, EVER let them feel so alone as God has made me feel. If my daughters hurt like I was hurting-I would do anything-move heaven and earth if needbe to help them.
I have now been struggling with anxiety and depression for two years. I am a little better now-thoughts of suicide aren't prevelant anymore but I still struggle with anxiety and depression and so far-my doctors and I haven't found any medications that aleviate the worst moments.
So anyway-I am left with two thoughts. Either he is not the God I understood him to be-or he doesn't exist. I want him to exist-the thought of going through life without God-is such a horrible thought. I want to believe in God. I am ashamed that my faith has proved to be so shallow, but I have fought with everything that is in me all along.
I don't really know what I am asking here-or maybe I am just putting pain to words..I don't know. But how can I believe in a God that allows such pain to happen? I understand freewill-and how free will can cause pain but I didn't cause this-nor did anyone else-it's just in my chemical/biological makeup-he made me so why won't he fix me? Where is God? How can I believe in him again? How can I trust him again? I feel like he betrayed me-because he hasn't been there when I needed him the most. I feel that at each turn he has ignored my prayers, and even worse-has made the struggle harder than it needed to be by putting in my path horrible inexperienced doctors that only prolonged my situation.
My family and friends have tried to help, but they don't really understand the depth of pain that I feel. When they talk about God they seem to get "preachy" instead of answering the questions that are in my heart.
I just don't know what to do anymore. I keep trying to find God-but after all of the pain I have been through-I am finding it hard to do. I just don't understand.
I know these are such deep thoughts-things all of us probably have asked or struggled with at times. But if anyone can help, I would be deeply grateful.
Jim
Shattered faith
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Guest
Hello Jim74,
I'm sorry to hear about your deep struggles. I can see that you have not given up hope though as you quoted yourself, "It's always the darkest before the dawn." Some years back I had asked a friend of mine why she was asking me so many questions about certain plans that I had in life and I remember that I got a little defensive and asked her why she was asking so many questions. Her reply was that good friends always ask questions. Aside from the fact that it shows an interest, she was speaking to the idea that questions can help us clarify what we are thinking. So, it is in this light that I ask you what was going on with this idea that "For many years I even thought about becoming a minister."
I have to go right now and I'll remember you in my prayers. I am going through a big storm in my life right now, but find that it is a blessing to do what I can to share with others. I know that one of the big things that helps with depression is to get our minds off of ourselves and to reach out to others. I also understand that when dealing with depression things can be "easier said than done."
By the way, thank you for sharing your story.
Please take God at his Word when he says, "I will never leave thee, nor forsake thee."--Heb 13:5.
Talk to you later, and God Bless!
I'm sorry to hear about your deep struggles. I can see that you have not given up hope though as you quoted yourself, "It's always the darkest before the dawn." Some years back I had asked a friend of mine why she was asking me so many questions about certain plans that I had in life and I remember that I got a little defensive and asked her why she was asking so many questions. Her reply was that good friends always ask questions. Aside from the fact that it shows an interest, she was speaking to the idea that questions can help us clarify what we are thinking. So, it is in this light that I ask you what was going on with this idea that "For many years I even thought about becoming a minister."
I have to go right now and I'll remember you in my prayers. I am going through a big storm in my life right now, but find that it is a blessing to do what I can to share with others. I know that one of the big things that helps with depression is to get our minds off of ourselves and to reach out to others. I also understand that when dealing with depression things can be "easier said than done."
By the way, thank you for sharing your story.Please take God at his Word when he says, "I will never leave thee, nor forsake thee."--Heb 13:5.
Talk to you later, and God Bless!
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Guest
Hey, Jim!
I'm not sure, but I think that most of us here have been there where you are.
Not has written a mighty good post here to help guide you to the program. WOW! A very good job!
Jim, I don't know that I can add a lot too what Not put together for you.
But I would like to say that you are putting a lot of stock into how you FEEL. Our feelings come from our emotions. And they change as our thoughts change. Change your thoughts, change your feelings.
Right now you feel like you can't control your thoughts. But you can. You will need help with it . And the program teaches you how to control or change your thoughts. If you don't have the program then by all means try to get it.
For right now, for relief at this moment - just give up. Quit struggling so hard. Just stop!!
Don't try to answer all the questions in your mind. Say STOP outlaud. And start some slow breaths. Pay attention to your breatheing.
And order the program!!!
Wishing you comfort!!
Keep posting!!
There are a lot of fine people here that know exactly how you feel. And they'll be glad to share with you.
MaryJane
I'm not sure, but I think that most of us here have been there where you are.
Not has written a mighty good post here to help guide you to the program. WOW! A very good job!
Jim, I don't know that I can add a lot too what Not put together for you.
But I would like to say that you are putting a lot of stock into how you FEEL. Our feelings come from our emotions. And they change as our thoughts change. Change your thoughts, change your feelings.
Right now you feel like you can't control your thoughts. But you can. You will need help with it . And the program teaches you how to control or change your thoughts. If you don't have the program then by all means try to get it.
For right now, for relief at this moment - just give up. Quit struggling so hard. Just stop!!
Don't try to answer all the questions in your mind. Say STOP outlaud. And start some slow breaths. Pay attention to your breatheing.
And order the program!!!
Wishing you comfort!!
Keep posting!!
There are a lot of fine people here that know exactly how you feel. And they'll be glad to share with you.
MaryJane
-
Guest
Hi Jim 74,
You are old as my son, but I will talk to you as a brother. I sense and feel your pain agony. I do not fancy myself a preacher nor have I ever really aspired to be a preacher. I can tell you that God is talking to me and I am following where ever He leads. I was not planning to get involved with forum issues but something called me to come take a look, and I saw this new post. I had shared some time with Cornflower. She is a very dear sweet sister in the Lord and she is finding out exactly from where I speak of and from.
I am not taking your concerns lightly, and I hear your plea and your case against God. I have heard this plea many times even by those we would never expect The other day, I quote a piece out of the book of Psalms 51. It is one of my favorite. Let us see, here we have David, the King of all of Israel, and later tbe father to the wisest man the world had ever known; King Solomon.
Listen to David's pleas, listen to his voice cry out in many of the beautiful Psalms he wrote. Mind you scripture tells us that he was a man after God's own heart. With all of the blessings that he knows that he did not deserve, and his artful gifts at poetry and song writing, that God put into his heart. He still had moments where He felt he did not hear God's voice.
You know in your heart, that God has never left you, forsaken you, ignored you or stopped speaking to you. We all may have forget how to listen to hear God's voice as he speaks through His servants, in nature, and so many other ways that it truly staggers the imagination. You may had, and I would stake my life, that you still have a heart, eyes and ears that are struggling to see His face. His face, His Heart, His voice, is in all of His creation.
He speaks to us through song, through the spoke word of encouragement of another brother or sister in the Lord, that is truly listening to the voice of God. You already have a share in His promise of eternal life granted to us by His grace, and the obedient sacrificial offering that His Son made for our sake; so who is responsible for keeping out or blocking out our sight of God or hearing His voice. Remember that we fight not against what? See Eph: 6:10-13.
The last word there is: to stand. Stand on, be strong in the Lord and His word and stand on your faith that He is God. Be still and know that He is God. You are not alone.
Look at the story of Job and how it unfolds. Who is doing what? Why God permits the Devil to put him or any one to this test? Because They will prevail. Job was able to stand on his faith in spite the very things that you experienced, well meaning friends insisting come by to give what they think is encouragement and it all poison.
No, self righteousness from those that, though well meaning, insist there is something wrong with your faith. There is nothing wrong with your faith, but if you are not strong in your faith, as we all so often do, as our knees buckle under the pressures of life, it gives the devil assurance, that he is doing stuff to help erode our faith.
So take heart little brother, I encourage to stand and be strong in the Lord. He sees you, He hears you, He Loves you, and He's done it all for all of us and that includes you. Here is are a few verses that you might find useful in times where you feel overwhelmed:
Is. 54:17 and Is. 55:11
Here is a link to the bible on line:
http://www.holybible.com/resou...le=Isaiah&Chapter=55
In one of the verses He gives His assurance that He keeps His word. On the other, He assures us he has weapons for you to deal with anything that comes against His servants:
54:17 No weapon that is formed against thee shall prosper; and every tongue that shall rise against thee in judgment thou shalt condemn. This is the heritage of the servants of the LORD, and their righteousness is of me, saith the LORD.
I also wanted to share a poem that God put on my heart, and that I hope is a blessing to you:
http://aie-llc.com/hisall.doc
here's is the album He has connected me to this day and seems appropriate for ministering unto you. Relax, breathe, be still, and know that He is God:
http://www.stevencurtischapman...adio/signsoflife.htm
When you are a faithful servant that is why the devil targeted you, this has been a test of our faith, and guess what?
The devil will lose again!
You are old as my son, but I will talk to you as a brother. I sense and feel your pain agony. I do not fancy myself a preacher nor have I ever really aspired to be a preacher. I can tell you that God is talking to me and I am following where ever He leads. I was not planning to get involved with forum issues but something called me to come take a look, and I saw this new post. I had shared some time with Cornflower. She is a very dear sweet sister in the Lord and she is finding out exactly from where I speak of and from.
I am not taking your concerns lightly, and I hear your plea and your case against God. I have heard this plea many times even by those we would never expect The other day, I quote a piece out of the book of Psalms 51. It is one of my favorite. Let us see, here we have David, the King of all of Israel, and later tbe father to the wisest man the world had ever known; King Solomon.
Listen to David's pleas, listen to his voice cry out in many of the beautiful Psalms he wrote. Mind you scripture tells us that he was a man after God's own heart. With all of the blessings that he knows that he did not deserve, and his artful gifts at poetry and song writing, that God put into his heart. He still had moments where He felt he did not hear God's voice.
You know in your heart, that God has never left you, forsaken you, ignored you or stopped speaking to you. We all may have forget how to listen to hear God's voice as he speaks through His servants, in nature, and so many other ways that it truly staggers the imagination. You may had, and I would stake my life, that you still have a heart, eyes and ears that are struggling to see His face. His face, His Heart, His voice, is in all of His creation.
He speaks to us through song, through the spoke word of encouragement of another brother or sister in the Lord, that is truly listening to the voice of God. You already have a share in His promise of eternal life granted to us by His grace, and the obedient sacrificial offering that His Son made for our sake; so who is responsible for keeping out or blocking out our sight of God or hearing His voice. Remember that we fight not against what? See Eph: 6:10-13.
The last word there is: to stand. Stand on, be strong in the Lord and His word and stand on your faith that He is God. Be still and know that He is God. You are not alone.
Look at the story of Job and how it unfolds. Who is doing what? Why God permits the Devil to put him or any one to this test? Because They will prevail. Job was able to stand on his faith in spite the very things that you experienced, well meaning friends insisting come by to give what they think is encouragement and it all poison.
No, self righteousness from those that, though well meaning, insist there is something wrong with your faith. There is nothing wrong with your faith, but if you are not strong in your faith, as we all so often do, as our knees buckle under the pressures of life, it gives the devil assurance, that he is doing stuff to help erode our faith.
So take heart little brother, I encourage to stand and be strong in the Lord. He sees you, He hears you, He Loves you, and He's done it all for all of us and that includes you. Here is are a few verses that you might find useful in times where you feel overwhelmed:
Is. 54:17 and Is. 55:11
Here is a link to the bible on line:
http://www.holybible.com/resou...le=Isaiah&Chapter=55
In one of the verses He gives His assurance that He keeps His word. On the other, He assures us he has weapons for you to deal with anything that comes against His servants:
54:17 No weapon that is formed against thee shall prosper; and every tongue that shall rise against thee in judgment thou shalt condemn. This is the heritage of the servants of the LORD, and their righteousness is of me, saith the LORD.
I also wanted to share a poem that God put on my heart, and that I hope is a blessing to you:
http://aie-llc.com/hisall.doc
here's is the album He has connected me to this day and seems appropriate for ministering unto you. Relax, breathe, be still, and know that He is God:
http://www.stevencurtischapman...adio/signsoflife.htm
When you are a faithful servant that is why the devil targeted you, this has been a test of our faith, and guess what?
The devil will lose again!
-
Guest
Jim, First of all I would like to thank you for being so honest about your struggles, I cried reading your post, as I am experiencing a valley right at this very moment. I have been a member here for over two years and I am experiencing depression like I've never felt before. Recently my father had under gone major surgery to remove cancer from his face and head. I was on a mountain of faith and became very involved with the situation. I posted the miraculous events of the surgery and I was on a spiritual high. And WHAMO..I'm in a pit, I am exhausted now, to say the least. He is home now and things have slowed down tremendously. Now, I am in the clenches of depression, deep depression. I want to sleep all the time and I find myself "thinking" of running away from it all....I ask myself, "What are you running from?" and I cannot find the answer. On the verge of tears all the time and that "gut wrenching" feeling is forever present. I haven't had a panic attack in over three months(another healing I posted about) But, I am having thoughts that they just may return. However, I will continue to "praise him in this storm". I've came TOO far to stop believing now. Previous posts I've written prove to me that this is a spiritual battle, just as King David and Job went through...I must "put on the armor" and move forward. I must continue to read the scriptures and pray ferverently. Yes, I too question the very existance of God when I go through this...It's hard Jim, but I MUST continue on. I have six children that NEED me. I have a husband that loves me. But most of all, I chose to continue to BELIEVE with my whole heart that there is a man that died for me and I OWE it to him to NEVER give up! Just as I write this out, my head tells me "are you sure it's all for real"...I CHOSE NOT to entertain that thought and praise him anyway..Faith is believing in something not seen, right? "Fake it til you make it"..thus, I believe I will "speak happiness and peace into existance".. G'man gave you a link to Steven Curtis Chapman website..I advise you to listen to it. Music has been a tremendous help for me. It makes me feel like I'm in the arms of God. I forget the world for a moment and focus on his love and PROMISES.."I will never leave you nor forsake you", "Be still and know that I am God", I knew you while being formed in your mothers womb", "For God so loved the world that he gave his only son...." and there are so many more. I MUST NOT give up!!! "This too shall pass"...
I will pray for you my friend. You are here, in a safe place. Surrounded by others that have experienced the same pain of depression. YOU are NOT ALONE! Sharing pain experiences helps all of us. We'll work through this thing TOGETHER. God bless you. One day at a time sweet Jesus.
In christ,
Robin
I will pray for you my friend. You are here, in a safe place. Surrounded by others that have experienced the same pain of depression. YOU are NOT ALONE! Sharing pain experiences helps all of us. We'll work through this thing TOGETHER. God bless you. One day at a time sweet Jesus.
In christ,
Robin
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Guest
Good afternoon, Robin:
Good to hear from you.
Robin, this slump you are in is not going to last long. It happens like this to us all.
You were pretty much worn out from the ordeal with your Dad and the emotional exchange with yuur brother and the care of your twins. You will bounce back quickly. The thing is that you need to rest some now.
By the way, how is that older child of yours?
The teen boy? I've thought of him so much.
Give him an extra hug from me. (a sort of by stander, I am). LOL
I think you are just tired. When our bodies get too tired it affects everything. So I think you should create a restful place. Light some scented candles in your bathroom and take a long, restful soak in some lavaendar scented ,
warm water in your tub. Just put a few drops of lavander oil in it and just rest.
Then dress in comfortable clothes. Maybe put some flowers in your hair , and sit in a rocking chair for awhile. Read a restful Psalm.
You will be restored. I promise.
Don't try hard to be spiritual. Just relax.
Christ will come to you in a calm uplifting way.
You will feel peaceful.
Try it.
Love.
MaryJane
Good to hear from you.
Robin, this slump you are in is not going to last long. It happens like this to us all.
You were pretty much worn out from the ordeal with your Dad and the emotional exchange with yuur brother and the care of your twins. You will bounce back quickly. The thing is that you need to rest some now.
By the way, how is that older child of yours?
The teen boy? I've thought of him so much.
Give him an extra hug from me. (a sort of by stander, I am). LOL
I think you are just tired. When our bodies get too tired it affects everything. So I think you should create a restful place. Light some scented candles in your bathroom and take a long, restful soak in some lavaendar scented ,
warm water in your tub. Just put a few drops of lavander oil in it and just rest.
Then dress in comfortable clothes. Maybe put some flowers in your hair , and sit in a rocking chair for awhile. Read a restful Psalm.
You will be restored. I promise.
Don't try hard to be spiritual. Just relax.
Christ will come to you in a calm uplifting way.
You will feel peaceful.
Try it.
Love.
MaryJane
-
Guest
Jim - I was inspired to read your post and to respond.
I too have had moments of utter pain and felt total abandoment by God. I also have stood on train tracks begging for a train that never came. I also have had numerous thoughts of suicide/attempts. Anything just to take away the pain and depression. I have also had times when I hated God with every bone in my body. And the last thing I wanted was people preaching to me. I empathize with your agony of wondering where He is and feelings of why did He leave me. I think every Christian has gone or will go through this.
I am extremely close to God now. I can't even bare the thought of life without Him. This feeling, Jim, will pass. Maybe not as fast as you want it to; but there is a reason and purpose for everything.
I think Gman hit the nail on the head as in, sometimes we forget how to listen to God. Whether it is because of anxiety, stresses of today's world, the job, the economy, the pressures of raising kids, etc, we then to lose focus on what we need to hear from God.
Going through your post, I saw God at work, and hopefully I can help you see Him or at least to see your situation in a different perspective.
1. You said you wanted to be a minister and yet you never been through any severe challenges.
A Minister is a representative for Christ Jesus. Did Jesus not have challenges? Did not even our Lord hang on a cross and ask, "My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?"
Do you think that God is guiding you through this; so that you can understand the hurts of others and be able to "minister" to them on how the Grace of God brought you out of such agony? How can you know and preach Christ if you are not familiar with His suffering? We have a Savior who has been there. He understands.
2. You said you sought medical help, but nothing helped.
It is not the medical field that failed you. Or God.
Do you think that God was telling you that this is not a medical problem, but a "direction or journey" that He is leading you through. That He needs your mind alert and open, not doped out on meds? God is there directing your path.
3. You said that you changed your prayer and was met with complete silence.
God hears prayers, but sometimes the answer is not instant. That doesn't mean He wasn't there. Did you give up on Him in that moment of silence? Or are you still waiting for the answer?
Do you think God is waiting for you to BE STILL before He answers, so that you know it is Him answering you?
4. You said you knocked on doors to find someone who can tell you that God is real.
Do you think that God kept those doors closed because He knows that a relationship is not about what others say, but is between you and Him only? God was there. He wants you to search for Him from your own heart, not from the hearts of others.
5. You said you looked for a shooting star for proof of His existance.
Why a just shooting star? Was not the whole sky enough proof of our Creator's existance?
Do you think that God didn't show a sign because He wants you to believe in Him because you know and love Him and not because of a sign that means nothing?
6. You said you intended to jump in front of a train, but the train never came.
Does not God have the power to hold trains back? Was that not proof that He did not want you to take your life? He needs you.
7. You said you did all these things to get Him to answer you, to proof Himself to you.
God doesn't have to prove Himself to anyone. He is God. Were you asking for His proof out of anger & frustraion? Do you respond to anger? It doesn't mean God wasn't there.
Do you think the reason why God may have been silent because He was in pain and hurt that you doubted Him after years of Him blessing your life and family?
Just some things to consider Jim. I don't mean in any way to be insensitive or harsh. I know times of questioning and searching for answers can be painful and unbarable sometimes. But it is OK. It is OK to ask. Just sometimes...we are so blinded by our own pain, we don't know what to think anymore and can't see what is there right in front of us. (God reaching for us.)
There is proof that God is with you. The fact that you WANT to know God again. That you keep SEARCHING for Him. That you want to BELIEVE in Him again. That you want to TRUST Him again.
Wanting, then Searching, then Believing, and then Trusting...is exactly HOW you will be brought back to Him! Don't give up hope my friend...cause it is the Spirit of Christ that puts that WANT in our hearts. Listen to it.
There are other posts on this site about how God has brought people through hard times, like myself, and Momof6, and many others. Read them and be encouraged. The best thing about a keeping Spiritual journal is that it will be PROOF that God is there and is working in your life. And one day Jim, you will look at this post and wonder how you could have felt so low and you will give God the praise and glory for bringing you through such hell and you will be able to minister that LOVE OF GOD to others.
There are 3 Valleys we all must go through in life.
1. Valley of Elah (David and Goliath): Goliath is out there to conquer and inslave us. He mocks us. He puts fear of defeat in us. He is out to destroy us. Whether that Goliath is Depression, Anxiety, Addiction, Divorce, Bitterness, (the list goes on)...... we ALL have to face our Goliath. Remember God gave David strength in a small little sling shot and Goliath fell! Put your Faith in the little name of Jesus.....and watch Him take down your Goliath.
2. Valley of the Shadow of Death: We all face death. We all will see it; feel the pain from it; and in the end we will face it ourselves. Remember God sent His Son to have victory over death. He rose and is alive and WILL come back soon. Death is only a shadow and shadows are powerless.
3. Valley of Baca (Tears): This is the valley that we think nothing worse can happen to us. It is, as we percieve, the worst day of our lives. It is this valley that we cry to the point of exhaustion. Remember God. Because even in the depths of despair that Christ cried out and prayed so intently that He sweated blood, God sent Him and angel to comfort Him.
So just cry....let it all out....let go...cry until there is nothing left in you. These Valleys produce perservence, which produces strength, which produces charactor, which produces endurance, which produces faith, which produces Hope..and it is HOPE that keeps us going. Remember......God is the Lily of the Valley, which means....He is also in the Valley with you. His LOVE surpasses all understanding.
I too have had moments of utter pain and felt total abandoment by God. I also have stood on train tracks begging for a train that never came. I also have had numerous thoughts of suicide/attempts. Anything just to take away the pain and depression. I have also had times when I hated God with every bone in my body. And the last thing I wanted was people preaching to me. I empathize with your agony of wondering where He is and feelings of why did He leave me. I think every Christian has gone or will go through this.
I am extremely close to God now. I can't even bare the thought of life without Him. This feeling, Jim, will pass. Maybe not as fast as you want it to; but there is a reason and purpose for everything.
I think Gman hit the nail on the head as in, sometimes we forget how to listen to God. Whether it is because of anxiety, stresses of today's world, the job, the economy, the pressures of raising kids, etc, we then to lose focus on what we need to hear from God.
Going through your post, I saw God at work, and hopefully I can help you see Him or at least to see your situation in a different perspective.
1. You said you wanted to be a minister and yet you never been through any severe challenges.
A Minister is a representative for Christ Jesus. Did Jesus not have challenges? Did not even our Lord hang on a cross and ask, "My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?"
Do you think that God is guiding you through this; so that you can understand the hurts of others and be able to "minister" to them on how the Grace of God brought you out of such agony? How can you know and preach Christ if you are not familiar with His suffering? We have a Savior who has been there. He understands.
2. You said you sought medical help, but nothing helped.
It is not the medical field that failed you. Or God.
Do you think that God was telling you that this is not a medical problem, but a "direction or journey" that He is leading you through. That He needs your mind alert and open, not doped out on meds? God is there directing your path.
3. You said that you changed your prayer and was met with complete silence.
God hears prayers, but sometimes the answer is not instant. That doesn't mean He wasn't there. Did you give up on Him in that moment of silence? Or are you still waiting for the answer?
Do you think God is waiting for you to BE STILL before He answers, so that you know it is Him answering you?
4. You said you knocked on doors to find someone who can tell you that God is real.
Do you think that God kept those doors closed because He knows that a relationship is not about what others say, but is between you and Him only? God was there. He wants you to search for Him from your own heart, not from the hearts of others.
5. You said you looked for a shooting star for proof of His existance.
Why a just shooting star? Was not the whole sky enough proof of our Creator's existance?
Do you think that God didn't show a sign because He wants you to believe in Him because you know and love Him and not because of a sign that means nothing?
6. You said you intended to jump in front of a train, but the train never came.
Does not God have the power to hold trains back? Was that not proof that He did not want you to take your life? He needs you.
7. You said you did all these things to get Him to answer you, to proof Himself to you.
God doesn't have to prove Himself to anyone. He is God. Were you asking for His proof out of anger & frustraion? Do you respond to anger? It doesn't mean God wasn't there.
Do you think the reason why God may have been silent because He was in pain and hurt that you doubted Him after years of Him blessing your life and family?
Just some things to consider Jim. I don't mean in any way to be insensitive or harsh. I know times of questioning and searching for answers can be painful and unbarable sometimes. But it is OK. It is OK to ask. Just sometimes...we are so blinded by our own pain, we don't know what to think anymore and can't see what is there right in front of us. (God reaching for us.)
There is proof that God is with you. The fact that you WANT to know God again. That you keep SEARCHING for Him. That you want to BELIEVE in Him again. That you want to TRUST Him again.
Wanting, then Searching, then Believing, and then Trusting...is exactly HOW you will be brought back to Him! Don't give up hope my friend...cause it is the Spirit of Christ that puts that WANT in our hearts. Listen to it.
There are other posts on this site about how God has brought people through hard times, like myself, and Momof6, and many others. Read them and be encouraged. The best thing about a keeping Spiritual journal is that it will be PROOF that God is there and is working in your life. And one day Jim, you will look at this post and wonder how you could have felt so low and you will give God the praise and glory for bringing you through such hell and you will be able to minister that LOVE OF GOD to others.
There are 3 Valleys we all must go through in life.
1. Valley of Elah (David and Goliath): Goliath is out there to conquer and inslave us. He mocks us. He puts fear of defeat in us. He is out to destroy us. Whether that Goliath is Depression, Anxiety, Addiction, Divorce, Bitterness, (the list goes on)...... we ALL have to face our Goliath. Remember God gave David strength in a small little sling shot and Goliath fell! Put your Faith in the little name of Jesus.....and watch Him take down your Goliath.
2. Valley of the Shadow of Death: We all face death. We all will see it; feel the pain from it; and in the end we will face it ourselves. Remember God sent His Son to have victory over death. He rose and is alive and WILL come back soon. Death is only a shadow and shadows are powerless.
3. Valley of Baca (Tears): This is the valley that we think nothing worse can happen to us. It is, as we percieve, the worst day of our lives. It is this valley that we cry to the point of exhaustion. Remember God. Because even in the depths of despair that Christ cried out and prayed so intently that He sweated blood, God sent Him and angel to comfort Him.
So just cry....let it all out....let go...cry until there is nothing left in you. These Valleys produce perservence, which produces strength, which produces charactor, which produces endurance, which produces faith, which produces Hope..and it is HOPE that keeps us going. Remember......God is the Lily of the Valley, which means....He is also in the Valley with you. His LOVE surpasses all understanding.
Last edited by Conner on Mon Mar 23, 2009 4:41 am, edited 1 time in total.
Jim - I just read your post after I posted something of my own. I don't really have too much to add since others have written basically the same things I would say and so eloquently too and I just don't have it in me to write anything close to that right now.
But I just want to tell you that you are not alone and I myself have asked many of the same questions. One revelation I had recently, when asking why God would allow me to go through this, is because I feel that this present suffering I'm going through will allow me to be more compassionate toward others and maybe even help others in the same situation some day.
You said in your post that prior to this, your life had been pretty easy. I think God allows us to suffer to build our character, which in turn will make us better servants.
I read a book called Overcoming Depression by Neil T. Anderson (who is a christian) and he tells the story of his wife who got anxiety and depression out of the blue and suffered with it for over 2 years. He lost his home due to the medical bills and she was hospitalized many times. He told how many of their christian friends and family just couldn't relate. In the end, she finally found a good medical doctor who tested her for vitamin deficiences and it turned out that she was severely deficient in B12 and after getting B12 shots, she started to improve and she recovered.
But out of that hardship they went through he started a ministry to reach out to people suffering with depression and his course is taught in many churches around the country (Steps to Freedom in Christ).
My point is just that, had he and his wife not gone through that, he probably never would have started the ministry and helped countless amounts of people. You really never know how God will use you.
I know you feel like God is silent and I don't think He always speaks to us in the ways we would prefer, but maybe He is - through this program, through these wonderful people here.
I am so glad you didn't follow through on any of your attempts to end it, because I know someday you will be an encouragement to someone else who needs it, who is in the same place you are in right now.
When the Potter chisels away at the clay, it can be painful, but in the end He makes a beautiful vessel.
Don't give up. You're in my prayers. Feel free to PM me anytime.
In His Love,
Melanie
But I just want to tell you that you are not alone and I myself have asked many of the same questions. One revelation I had recently, when asking why God would allow me to go through this, is because I feel that this present suffering I'm going through will allow me to be more compassionate toward others and maybe even help others in the same situation some day.
You said in your post that prior to this, your life had been pretty easy. I think God allows us to suffer to build our character, which in turn will make us better servants.
I read a book called Overcoming Depression by Neil T. Anderson (who is a christian) and he tells the story of his wife who got anxiety and depression out of the blue and suffered with it for over 2 years. He lost his home due to the medical bills and she was hospitalized many times. He told how many of their christian friends and family just couldn't relate. In the end, she finally found a good medical doctor who tested her for vitamin deficiences and it turned out that she was severely deficient in B12 and after getting B12 shots, she started to improve and she recovered.
But out of that hardship they went through he started a ministry to reach out to people suffering with depression and his course is taught in many churches around the country (Steps to Freedom in Christ).
My point is just that, had he and his wife not gone through that, he probably never would have started the ministry and helped countless amounts of people. You really never know how God will use you.
I know you feel like God is silent and I don't think He always speaks to us in the ways we would prefer, but maybe He is - through this program, through these wonderful people here.
I am so glad you didn't follow through on any of your attempts to end it, because I know someday you will be an encouragement to someone else who needs it, who is in the same place you are in right now.
When the Potter chisels away at the clay, it can be painful, but in the end He makes a beautiful vessel.
Don't give up. You're in my prayers. Feel free to PM me anytime.
In His Love,
Melanie
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Guest
Cornflower, hello there 
Thank you again for such a great reply! I know "this too shall pass"..I insist on praising him through this storm anyways!! I know who my redeemer is and "he that is in me is GREATER than he who is in the world". Church service this morning was about The trinity and WOW he really went in depth about the Holy Spirit. What a WONDERFUL comforter and director we have, really! Jesus KNEW(of course ) the afflictions this life offers, what an AWESOME Gift he sent to us! I just need to be still long enough to "listen" for him. Thank you Jesus!!!
About my son, he is graduating in a couple of months, and guess what? NO PROBLEMSSSSS...Yeah.. Since he moved in with the older one, things have actually gotten better between EVERYONE involved. I just needed to release him into Gods care. And God has proven, once again, Faith WILL move our mountains!! so, with that situation, we've put that behind us
Thank you for your concern, it's nice to know that there are those here on these forums that REALLY DO care and pray for those that are hurting!! You are a GOD SEND here Cornflower!!! I've made a few friends here that I would just LOVE to meet in person
Anyways, Have a great week! And God bless you!
Take care
Robin
Thank you again for such a great reply! I know "this too shall pass"..I insist on praising him through this storm anyways!! I know who my redeemer is and "he that is in me is GREATER than he who is in the world". Church service this morning was about The trinity and WOW he really went in depth about the Holy Spirit. What a WONDERFUL comforter and director we have, really! Jesus KNEW(of course ) the afflictions this life offers, what an AWESOME Gift he sent to us! I just need to be still long enough to "listen" for him. Thank you Jesus!!!About my son, he is graduating in a couple of months, and guess what? NO PROBLEMSSSSS...Yeah.. Since he moved in with the older one, things have actually gotten better between EVERYONE involved. I just needed to release him into Gods care. And God has proven, once again, Faith WILL move our mountains!! so, with that situation, we've put that behind us
Thank you for your concern, it's nice to know that there are those here on these forums that REALLY DO care and pray for those that are hurting!! You are a GOD SEND here Cornflower!!! I've made a few friends here that I would just LOVE to meet in person Anyways, Have a great week! And God bless you!
Take care
Robin