Disability/need answers
I am bringing this problem here because I don't want to talk with someone I am going to see on a regular basis, like my pastor or a friend. I have been thinking about a spiritual counselor, but they too would want to see me again. I have had problems for a while now (yrs) Since December I have been put on disability cause I couldn't work and I have also gotten a medical card, after qualifying, to get my appts. and meds paid for. I live home with my mother and she had a big part in this. She insisted that I find out about getting some income because we couldn't afford the bills. I could have probably gotten a low paying job (not my field of work) and we would be able to pay the bills. I can't remember what I was like in Dec., but I feel I should have pushed myself to work. I have alot of problems with fear that something very bad is going to happen to me, which is kinda nonsense because something bad could happen to anybody. I also have anxiety and depression, but it isn't severe to the point I feel I'm in hell. I am getting a good amount of money and every time I buy something, especially for myself, I get so sick I could cry. I feel so guilty that the money isn't mine. I like nice things (mostly clothing) and I feel this is a sin against GOD. This is my big problem. I feel I am going to be punished because people are suffering all over the world and I am buying nice clothing. I am still angry with my mother because she took me down this road and now I feel there is no way out. I can't stop the income cause I do have bills and my mother would have a fit that I'm not contributing to the house costs. Everyday, every appointment, picking up of medication is all taken care of by someone and I'm not earning it myself. What could GOD possibly be thinking of the choices I've made? I have to say part of my depression was due to obsessing over worldy problems (hungry, homeless, poor) This is His world, so how can I receive money because I can't deal with GODS world. If I was only getting enough to cut my bills it might help my depression a little, but I'm getting more than enough and I'm able to buy clothes, (which I need) but the point is that I like real nice stuff. I have probably always felt guilty for liking expensive stuff, but one, I was working and in my field, I help others, so it is justifable that I looked nice, and two, I don't think I was as religious than as I am now. I am religious with prayer and church, but I still buy the nice things. (I'd like an opinion on this) I will never be able to pay back what has been paid for for me. ( many,many medical expenses) I can give donations to places, but not alot but I still don't feel right. I shouldn't say this, but as a Christian, we are suppose to believe that we are in the right place and doing the right things, How can MY STORY fit in as being right? I have met some wonderful people that have taken care of me, and this has helped my depression. I am still scared, depressed (upset) over MONEY. I am doing better and I am working my way toward work in about 5 months or so (some things to do first), and this will change everything because I have to report my income. This is my only hope out, but what if I get to work and again have problems. If you knew me you would understand why I worry about this. First, I am afraid of a depression relapse and second, sometimes I don't fit in with people. I don't know if anyone has experienced this??? People can be clicky and don't like new faces. If you talk about GOD or work with Christian values that doesn't help either. If I have to stay on disability cause I can't work, I am going to be sooooo angry and sick. I really won't be able to take it. I won't kill myself, so still, my back will be up against a wall. I am sorry this is so long. Please give me some feedback anybody. I worry what GOD thinks? and how this seems far from Christianity. I can't even enjoy myself sometimes and don't feel right about getting in a relationship with someone because I already love clothes and to get intimiate with someone would mean touching and pleasure. I need some understanding??????
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Guest
Hi,well first my english is not that good so some words are going to be misspled.
ok I think you are focus more in the fears that you have,than the virtues God has giving you.And its ok.
thats why we started this program is to find a way out.of what I read it seems that you buy clothes that u really dont need.I getting a perpective that you want to fufill the emptyness of your heart.I did the samething buy buy clothes.
I set my mind I had to stop doing that and any time I see something I pray and ask God if I really need it...
With God we can archieve are goals.sometimes we ask God to help us,but we want him to solve everything and he is waiting,on us to start the path.
keep up try to follow the program and to pray more.
ok I think you are focus more in the fears that you have,than the virtues God has giving you.And its ok.
thats why we started this program is to find a way out.of what I read it seems that you buy clothes that u really dont need.I getting a perpective that you want to fufill the emptyness of your heart.I did the samething buy buy clothes.
I set my mind I had to stop doing that and any time I see something I pray and ask God if I really need it...
With God we can archieve are goals.sometimes we ask God to help us,but we want him to solve everything and he is waiting,on us to start the path.
keep up try to follow the program and to pray more.
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Guest
Hi,
IMHO, it looks like you are really shaming yourself for having anxiety and going on disability. You just got injured in someway and need help, but it looks like you feel you aren't worthy of taking up space on this planet, and that is not how God wants you to feel. I get on a kick with books, and right now, I am recommending the Christian book, "Released From Shame" by Sandra Wilson to pretty much everyone on here:). It will explain what shame is, and what God thinks about it, and how to heal from it. Also, you can go to the radio archives of middayconnection.org and click on the past programs link and you should be able to listen to the radio program with Sandra Wilson last month. It's really good.
I think the previous poster's assessment that you may be filling your emptiness with clothes could be a good point. And like the previous poster said, you shouldn't beat yourself up because you are learning and changing, and it will take time.
I have a son with severe autism, and I still sometimes feel guilty for buying things I don't "need" or not giving what I feel is enough. In other words, I've served my "pentance" and had plenty of hardships, yet I still beat myself up sometimes. Here are some things that help me.
1. God really is a giving and gracious God. Yes, He calls us to give to others, but when He calls you to give, it will be out of sense of love and peace, and He will give you the strength and wisdom to do it. The giving could be financially, but there are also many other ways to give as well which includes using your talents, and He will guide you. As the new testament says, God doesn't want us to give to others out of a sense of "guilt and compulsion." He wants us to give out of love and to feel cheerful when we give. This doesn't mean that we are supposed to force ourselves to feel cheerful when we don't feel like giving. We are supposed to give based on what is truly in our hearts, and when we don't feel like giving out of love and refrain from giving until God fills our hearts with love, it's just honest, and God loves honesty:). The book "Boundaries" by Dr. Henry Cloud which is another great Christian book that I highly recommend, shows that even Jesus had boundaries when giving to others, and He encouraged others to reflect their true hearts when giving. Jesus didn't heal everyone during his time here. He got tired and He took a break sometimes. So, what does that mean for us if He was bound by the limitations of His human body? Jesus said, "Let your yes be yes, and your 'no' be 'no.' He also wanted people to give with the right motivations, etc. This meant, don't say yes to something you don't really want to do which includes giving to others out of guilt. If you are honest and find that you never give unless it is out of guilt, then take that before God and ask Him to change your heart-fill your emptiness with His love. How much you end up giving after that change occurs is between you and God and won't be measured. Also, I have found that this is something ongoing. My husband and I used to give the automatic 10%, but eventually felt that this wasn't truly reflective of what was in our hearts and seemed to be ritualistic and legalistic and through prayer, and although we believe that we are called to give and should budget to have room for giving-we try to follow what God tells us to do on a daily basis. I know some on here may not agree with this and believe fully in the law of tithing, and I'm not trying to insult those people. That's just the conclusion we've come to. I don't believe that you give to others so that God will give to you in return. How would you feel if someone gave you something you needed and then said, "I did that because I want God to bless me". It doesn't feel very well. Of course you want God to bless the person for helping you, but when someone gives to you to get something in return, it's not very fun.
Another issue with the giving that I used to not understand is the issue of co-dependency. Jesus was not co-dependent. Basically, co-dependency is an unhealthy relationship of giving, in which one person gains their sense of worth and esteem by giving to another person. On the surface, it appears as Christians that we are supposed to give to anyone who has a need, that we are supposed to always be giving and never want anything for ourselves. However, we are to give to others in God directed giving because we know we are already valuable and that God uses us, and not because we gain our value by giving. Co-dependent relationships are subtley destructive for the co-dependent "giver and the co-dependent "taker". It's not a relationship of freedom. It's great to be concerned about those in need, but God never asks for any of us to be God or to think that we alone are responsible for everyone else's suffering. God uses people to help people, but He doesn't want us to help others to prove our worth or for the wrong motivations. The book on shame and the boundaries book are really good about explaining that. There's also another book called, "Please Don't Say You Need Me" which is helpful.
3. God does want us to give to ourselves. He does give us gifts which can include material possessions. However, He usually won't want us to give ourselves by "Mastercard" if we don't have the money to pay off the balance quickly, and it isn't something we need. In other words, don't spend beyond your means to get those nice clothes. Live in a way that reflects your true income. Do you know what I do? I love garage sales:)! That is a great way to buy nice clothes and get your shopping fix and stay within your budget. Look at those options. I got brand new shirts for my son this weekend for .50 a piece! People buy too much and then get rid of it all the time, and I have too many clothes right now from shopping at weekly garage sales on Saturday!:) If you find that you feel that that is beneath you, don't feel guilty about it, but then just know that you probably are using new clothes to make yourself feel valuable. I think you let God make you feel valuable first, and then, yes, you should be open to pampering and comforting, but you won't feel an obsessive need to buy material goods to fill your sense of emptiness. Also, look at other ways and things that you enjoy that do not cost much or anything at all. Finding the book or DVD that you are looking for at the public library is priceless:). A walk with my dog in the sunshine is the highlight of my day:). A cup of lemon tea and a bubble bath are really great cheap comforts.
4. So you are on disability? Well, I'm going to say that my son has autism and doesn't qualify for disability because of our income. Am I saying that to make you feel guilty? No. I'm saying that to let you know that it's tough to get disability so the government decided that you were disabled after you and your doctors proved to them you were disabled. You have a real condition that qualified, yet you are feeling guilty about it for some reason. I don't know what your condition is, or how long it will take you to heal. It could be hard to return to work right now after being cared for and you just need to ease into things, or maybe you just need more time to heal. It's something between you and God, but find out what He thinks. Do you see how often in the Bible God defends the poor, the widowed, the orphaned and the disabled? He's usually not the one standing over vulnerable people with a whip telling them to snap to it! Yes, he doesn't want someone who is not disabled to take advantage of others, but that's not the case with you. You have a real condition, and God will lead you lovingly and gracefully through the healing process. Healing takes time, and maybe your mom can see that you are ready to return to work, but it is better for you to follow your own intuition and God about that.
I don't know what your condition is, but if it is something that is chronic and life long, why should you punish yourself? You already have a disability. If it is something like anxiety, then instead of beating yourself up, use the disability to get needed services that will help you heal. For example, get a service dog to comfort you and help you feel safe out about in the world, and go to college:). Use it to help yourself, because that's what it's for:).
Hope something I said helps:).
Take care and God bless you,
luvpiggy
IMHO, it looks like you are really shaming yourself for having anxiety and going on disability. You just got injured in someway and need help, but it looks like you feel you aren't worthy of taking up space on this planet, and that is not how God wants you to feel. I get on a kick with books, and right now, I am recommending the Christian book, "Released From Shame" by Sandra Wilson to pretty much everyone on here:). It will explain what shame is, and what God thinks about it, and how to heal from it. Also, you can go to the radio archives of middayconnection.org and click on the past programs link and you should be able to listen to the radio program with Sandra Wilson last month. It's really good.
I think the previous poster's assessment that you may be filling your emptiness with clothes could be a good point. And like the previous poster said, you shouldn't beat yourself up because you are learning and changing, and it will take time.
I have a son with severe autism, and I still sometimes feel guilty for buying things I don't "need" or not giving what I feel is enough. In other words, I've served my "pentance" and had plenty of hardships, yet I still beat myself up sometimes. Here are some things that help me.
1. God really is a giving and gracious God. Yes, He calls us to give to others, but when He calls you to give, it will be out of sense of love and peace, and He will give you the strength and wisdom to do it. The giving could be financially, but there are also many other ways to give as well which includes using your talents, and He will guide you. As the new testament says, God doesn't want us to give to others out of a sense of "guilt and compulsion." He wants us to give out of love and to feel cheerful when we give. This doesn't mean that we are supposed to force ourselves to feel cheerful when we don't feel like giving. We are supposed to give based on what is truly in our hearts, and when we don't feel like giving out of love and refrain from giving until God fills our hearts with love, it's just honest, and God loves honesty:). The book "Boundaries" by Dr. Henry Cloud which is another great Christian book that I highly recommend, shows that even Jesus had boundaries when giving to others, and He encouraged others to reflect their true hearts when giving. Jesus didn't heal everyone during his time here. He got tired and He took a break sometimes. So, what does that mean for us if He was bound by the limitations of His human body? Jesus said, "Let your yes be yes, and your 'no' be 'no.' He also wanted people to give with the right motivations, etc. This meant, don't say yes to something you don't really want to do which includes giving to others out of guilt. If you are honest and find that you never give unless it is out of guilt, then take that before God and ask Him to change your heart-fill your emptiness with His love. How much you end up giving after that change occurs is between you and God and won't be measured. Also, I have found that this is something ongoing. My husband and I used to give the automatic 10%, but eventually felt that this wasn't truly reflective of what was in our hearts and seemed to be ritualistic and legalistic and through prayer, and although we believe that we are called to give and should budget to have room for giving-we try to follow what God tells us to do on a daily basis. I know some on here may not agree with this and believe fully in the law of tithing, and I'm not trying to insult those people. That's just the conclusion we've come to. I don't believe that you give to others so that God will give to you in return. How would you feel if someone gave you something you needed and then said, "I did that because I want God to bless me". It doesn't feel very well. Of course you want God to bless the person for helping you, but when someone gives to you to get something in return, it's not very fun.
Another issue with the giving that I used to not understand is the issue of co-dependency. Jesus was not co-dependent. Basically, co-dependency is an unhealthy relationship of giving, in which one person gains their sense of worth and esteem by giving to another person. On the surface, it appears as Christians that we are supposed to give to anyone who has a need, that we are supposed to always be giving and never want anything for ourselves. However, we are to give to others in God directed giving because we know we are already valuable and that God uses us, and not because we gain our value by giving. Co-dependent relationships are subtley destructive for the co-dependent "giver and the co-dependent "taker". It's not a relationship of freedom. It's great to be concerned about those in need, but God never asks for any of us to be God or to think that we alone are responsible for everyone else's suffering. God uses people to help people, but He doesn't want us to help others to prove our worth or for the wrong motivations. The book on shame and the boundaries book are really good about explaining that. There's also another book called, "Please Don't Say You Need Me" which is helpful.
3. God does want us to give to ourselves. He does give us gifts which can include material possessions. However, He usually won't want us to give ourselves by "Mastercard" if we don't have the money to pay off the balance quickly, and it isn't something we need. In other words, don't spend beyond your means to get those nice clothes. Live in a way that reflects your true income. Do you know what I do? I love garage sales:)! That is a great way to buy nice clothes and get your shopping fix and stay within your budget. Look at those options. I got brand new shirts for my son this weekend for .50 a piece! People buy too much and then get rid of it all the time, and I have too many clothes right now from shopping at weekly garage sales on Saturday!:) If you find that you feel that that is beneath you, don't feel guilty about it, but then just know that you probably are using new clothes to make yourself feel valuable. I think you let God make you feel valuable first, and then, yes, you should be open to pampering and comforting, but you won't feel an obsessive need to buy material goods to fill your sense of emptiness. Also, look at other ways and things that you enjoy that do not cost much or anything at all. Finding the book or DVD that you are looking for at the public library is priceless:). A walk with my dog in the sunshine is the highlight of my day:). A cup of lemon tea and a bubble bath are really great cheap comforts.
4. So you are on disability? Well, I'm going to say that my son has autism and doesn't qualify for disability because of our income. Am I saying that to make you feel guilty? No. I'm saying that to let you know that it's tough to get disability so the government decided that you were disabled after you and your doctors proved to them you were disabled. You have a real condition that qualified, yet you are feeling guilty about it for some reason. I don't know what your condition is, or how long it will take you to heal. It could be hard to return to work right now after being cared for and you just need to ease into things, or maybe you just need more time to heal. It's something between you and God, but find out what He thinks. Do you see how often in the Bible God defends the poor, the widowed, the orphaned and the disabled? He's usually not the one standing over vulnerable people with a whip telling them to snap to it! Yes, he doesn't want someone who is not disabled to take advantage of others, but that's not the case with you. You have a real condition, and God will lead you lovingly and gracefully through the healing process. Healing takes time, and maybe your mom can see that you are ready to return to work, but it is better for you to follow your own intuition and God about that.
I don't know what your condition is, but if it is something that is chronic and life long, why should you punish yourself? You already have a disability. If it is something like anxiety, then instead of beating yourself up, use the disability to get needed services that will help you heal. For example, get a service dog to comfort you and help you feel safe out about in the world, and go to college:). Use it to help yourself, because that's what it's for:).
Hope something I said helps:).
Take care and God bless you,
luvpiggy