need advice
i've had anxiety and depression for 12yrs have the program for about 8yrs i've been married for about 10 yrs i started the prgram a couple times but never finished it i guess i was afriad to move forward and used alcohol to calm myself that was a mistake my wife has been with me for 10yrs and has been threw alot with me because of my negative behavior at this point she is frustraded with me that she wants to leave if i don't change i understand that i've been selfish and it's scaring me and the thought of being alone is scary i think i made her my safe person i feel so bad about this i just need advice i just want to know where to start because i know i can't fix this in one day and my thoughts are all over the place
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Guest
hello, frank - firstly, never, never give up - remember to set realistic goals and expectations - use baby steps, one at a time - that's what i'm trying to do - my sister is married to a man who has been an alcoholic for over 40 years, has had depression, anxiety, anger problems - he's been on med.s , gone to AA at times, (not consistently), and has had counseling - well, my sister is now seperated from him - he continues the struggle, like you - you can recover and find peace & happiness again - it's true ! ! - this program is testament to that ! - it'll take a lot of work and a never give up attitude - but you owe it to yourself and your loved ones to get in this program and give it all you got - that's what i'm going to try and do - i have anxiety which displays itself in a public speaking phobia, and boy, it's dibilitating and humiliating - so, i, like you, will pray, work hard, and hope we can heal and recover - stay positive and good luck ! - you can do it ! ! ! mj
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Guest
mj right advice there....frank, you got to start taking this seriously...and the responsibility is yours. i know the weakness and thinking you can gain strength from outside yourself/from another/religion/whatever. these thgs may all be good in themselves...but it is up to each of us to try to walk(baby step yes by times) our own best walk. sooooo, since you know alcohol is a problem for you(your wife and those around you), try AA, stick with it for that 'outside' support to help you do what YOU need reminders and support to do. then, the lack of worth you feel, can be helped on various fronts-self esteem books may get you going with tips and tools to do your own homework pushing forward to better thinking towards yourself. this program can and has helped many, but i warn you frank, =it IS alot of self work following the listening of each lesson and its homework that is spelled out for YOU to do. it is like learning a new language, and will take the homework and practicing of it. and yes, many find comfort in unconditional loving support of a higher power. and its my belief he wants you to be happy and learn the right paths to walk. so, this all may sound overwhelming. since YOU have to do it. take one thing at a time, and carve out the time you can handle frequently and regularly to do the work of it,the going to the meetings, the listening time you can do frequently. be reasonable with your self. you may want to give in to your negativity=which also takes away alot of our time, and leaves us limp rags for the harder stuff. lesson 3 those negs ONE at a time and turn each ONE around to somethg at least abit better. i wish you well frank, and sending good wishes your way.
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Guest
I wish I had found this program before five years ago. I keep saying this over and over each week. Five years ago, the love of my life and I had trauma times five occur to our twenty year marriage. It was a marriage that had finally ended by me, for us. I love my ex more than myself. He made me his safe person. I felt like the china doll eventually on the shelf and off again. When too the traumas affecting our lives together, affected me personally. I suggested many networks for support. It seemed denial came first, then fear for changes to come. Changes are the only constant in life, besides, the sun will come up, and the air we breath. Communications are number one, and the kind that is self talking that makes differences for you and the Mrs. She is afraid, I promise you, as afraid as you are. Promise yourself to slow down. Life has a way of chaos and the fastest moving train will derail over time. Your choice and only choice is slow down. Start with a hand and hand walk that is as basic as the sensory of spaces around you. Take a break for each of you to reflect what is important. Sometimes we cannot see the trees from the forest.
Frank, I've just begun this program, and week four, after many years of loving and letting go of my Mr. Right(I don't know if I will succeed in the ever stop loving him part), ...I say have faith, your not alone. I often times feel like I am. I've made many mistakes. Both he and I have used substances to numb our losses. Numbing is only denial, the real strengths come from deep in ourselves and the working at our core selves. We are truly our own safe place, safe person. That makes sense now. Someone asked me after they learned my story, what made me stronger, I said finally, loving myself and following the true love I feel for Mr. Right. Faith in self. All things in due time, have places in our lives. Love.
I don't have the answers. No one does really. We have to see the answers for ourselves with positive, clear visions inside ourselves. Start by seeing yourself in a mirror. Label all the positives. Post-It to see it when you shave. Smiles will come. Share this with your companion lovingly. Don't ask for anything. Don't look for anything. Understanding this, she too will notice, your new positive smiles come from the self, not the substance that turns into vices.
Begin today, being it is the first day for the rest of your life. Dark places are only dark because we have no light that shines. The light is the source inside of you. Hold unto the good, simply good moments. Use them as a crutch to only see yourself and how it defines you today. She is not your safe person, she is your wife, woman you married, love, cherish...to grow (key word), old with. You and she are changing, growing up. I often ask self, what will I be when I grow up? I'll keep you posted when I do. Winks.
Frank, I've just begun this program, and week four, after many years of loving and letting go of my Mr. Right(I don't know if I will succeed in the ever stop loving him part), ...I say have faith, your not alone. I often times feel like I am. I've made many mistakes. Both he and I have used substances to numb our losses. Numbing is only denial, the real strengths come from deep in ourselves and the working at our core selves. We are truly our own safe place, safe person. That makes sense now. Someone asked me after they learned my story, what made me stronger, I said finally, loving myself and following the true love I feel for Mr. Right. Faith in self. All things in due time, have places in our lives. Love.
I don't have the answers. No one does really. We have to see the answers for ourselves with positive, clear visions inside ourselves. Start by seeing yourself in a mirror. Label all the positives. Post-It to see it when you shave. Smiles will come. Share this with your companion lovingly. Don't ask for anything. Don't look for anything. Understanding this, she too will notice, your new positive smiles come from the self, not the substance that turns into vices.
Begin today, being it is the first day for the rest of your life. Dark places are only dark because we have no light that shines. The light is the source inside of you. Hold unto the good, simply good moments. Use them as a crutch to only see yourself and how it defines you today. She is not your safe person, she is your wife, woman you married, love, cherish...to grow (key word), old with. You and she are changing, growing up. I often ask self, what will I be when I grow up? I'll keep you posted when I do. Winks.
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Guest
Hi Frank,
I'm a granddaughter of two physically & emotionally abusive alcoholics - one my dad's dad & the other my mom's dad. My mom's stepdad & her mom were partyers & drank often & they fought alot. There was always alcohol flowing whenever there were family get togethers at their home. That was the only time my parents drank.
Growing up, my mom lived in fear of her life, as well as her mom & older sister. Her dad ended up living on skid rowe & later had to institutionalize him when I was in 6th grade. My grandma divorced him when my mom was around 10. When he passed away when I was in 8th grade, my mom had a breakdown & the only ones to help her was me and her sister.
My mom, from the beginning of my life, lived her life thru me - enmeshment. I had no life of my own, she guilted me into what she wanted me to do, we had to show we were the perfect family to the outside world, everyone except our little family of five. When it was just us, we were totally different. We were sad, unhappy, manipulated by my mom as she was so guilty because, although she loved her dad, she was afraid he would hurt her family.
My dad was always afraid of his dad. My dad loved us, but once we got to Jr Hi he didn't know how to love us, so he just did things for us & was around, but not emotionally.
This is only the tip of the iceberg of being a grandchild of 2 abusive alcoholic grandfathers, & an argumentative but kind step grandfather. I don't know what problems they had to make them drink. I have family members who are alcoholics & some married them.
One of the last lines in the movie 'Hope Floats' with Sandra Bullock, is that we spend the rest of our lives trying to get over our childhood. That is one of the best truths for me that I have ever heard. One of the things that I've learned thru my lifetime is that most everyone has had problems in their lifetime and they try & cover it up with their attitudes, alcohol, drugs, acting like their sweet, being a perfectionist, being a workaholic, almost anything to acting out, hurting others, etc. We are a hurting, painful people. And alot of it is generational, that is, passed from one generation to another, like alocholism, abortions, depression, etc.
I say all of this to say you are not alone in covering up your pain. I have found out thru experience that people will always hurt or disappoint us in someway, including family. I have found out thru my lifetime, for me, God & Jesus are always there for me. I used to think that God was in heaven ready to hit me over the head with a hammer whenever I did something wrong or bad. This last year has taught me that He is loving & when bad things happen to me, I have to chose not to see Him as judging me but to learn from the experiences that come along. He wants to love us & wants us to love Him & make us stronger. I just signed up for this program this past Monday. My test was to the extreme on all my answers. I didn't realize how screwed up I was, but I knew I was screwed up and when I read the answers, I'd tell my husband that explanation sounds just like my mom.
I guess we all have to hit bottom. Some of us have to hit it many times. I don't think we are aware how much we use others & others use us. It is frightening to look deep within because we are frightened scarred children in grown up bodies. We think we are the only ones hiding our deep secrets & shames. But we're not. People hide from each other instead of sharing their pain. I've just started this year to share my life of pain with my friends. They all are in shock, because I cover my pain with acting like I have it all together. I learned well from my mom. But telling others has been a healing process. However, I do have family members who put me down for being sick for over 50 yrs & being so depressed, yet they are unhappy alcoholics or are very emotionally abusive people. I find it is easier to talk with friends than family. Sometimes I've had to withdraw from family because they keep you from changing & growing. If we get well, then it changes the whole family dynamic & that throws a wrench in the family dynamic & they'll do whatever it takes to suck you back in to where you were. When I say family, I don't just mean just immediate family, I'm talking the whole family.
Well, I've rambled on long enough. I tend to do that. I just want you to know that you are not alone - everyone uses something to get thru this life. We just have to know when we've had enough putting up with the emotional & physical pain of our past. Tired of the cover up. Think of all the energy we spend covering up our pain when we could actually be happy & enjoy this life. I've gone thru the pain of looking at my past & it was painful. Now I need to break all the habits of my thinking & acting & learn how to change so I can be the person I was meant to be. No more pleasing others so they'll like me, no more fearing that they won't. Accepting life for what it is and learning from it.
Best wishes to you to have the strength & wisdom to face your childhood & fears & become the man you were meant to be or the man you want to be.
I'm a granddaughter of two physically & emotionally abusive alcoholics - one my dad's dad & the other my mom's dad. My mom's stepdad & her mom were partyers & drank often & they fought alot. There was always alcohol flowing whenever there were family get togethers at their home. That was the only time my parents drank.
Growing up, my mom lived in fear of her life, as well as her mom & older sister. Her dad ended up living on skid rowe & later had to institutionalize him when I was in 6th grade. My grandma divorced him when my mom was around 10. When he passed away when I was in 8th grade, my mom had a breakdown & the only ones to help her was me and her sister.
My mom, from the beginning of my life, lived her life thru me - enmeshment. I had no life of my own, she guilted me into what she wanted me to do, we had to show we were the perfect family to the outside world, everyone except our little family of five. When it was just us, we were totally different. We were sad, unhappy, manipulated by my mom as she was so guilty because, although she loved her dad, she was afraid he would hurt her family.
My dad was always afraid of his dad. My dad loved us, but once we got to Jr Hi he didn't know how to love us, so he just did things for us & was around, but not emotionally.
This is only the tip of the iceberg of being a grandchild of 2 abusive alcoholic grandfathers, & an argumentative but kind step grandfather. I don't know what problems they had to make them drink. I have family members who are alcoholics & some married them.
One of the last lines in the movie 'Hope Floats' with Sandra Bullock, is that we spend the rest of our lives trying to get over our childhood. That is one of the best truths for me that I have ever heard. One of the things that I've learned thru my lifetime is that most everyone has had problems in their lifetime and they try & cover it up with their attitudes, alcohol, drugs, acting like their sweet, being a perfectionist, being a workaholic, almost anything to acting out, hurting others, etc. We are a hurting, painful people. And alot of it is generational, that is, passed from one generation to another, like alocholism, abortions, depression, etc.
I say all of this to say you are not alone in covering up your pain. I have found out thru experience that people will always hurt or disappoint us in someway, including family. I have found out thru my lifetime, for me, God & Jesus are always there for me. I used to think that God was in heaven ready to hit me over the head with a hammer whenever I did something wrong or bad. This last year has taught me that He is loving & when bad things happen to me, I have to chose not to see Him as judging me but to learn from the experiences that come along. He wants to love us & wants us to love Him & make us stronger. I just signed up for this program this past Monday. My test was to the extreme on all my answers. I didn't realize how screwed up I was, but I knew I was screwed up and when I read the answers, I'd tell my husband that explanation sounds just like my mom.
I guess we all have to hit bottom. Some of us have to hit it many times. I don't think we are aware how much we use others & others use us. It is frightening to look deep within because we are frightened scarred children in grown up bodies. We think we are the only ones hiding our deep secrets & shames. But we're not. People hide from each other instead of sharing their pain. I've just started this year to share my life of pain with my friends. They all are in shock, because I cover my pain with acting like I have it all together. I learned well from my mom. But telling others has been a healing process. However, I do have family members who put me down for being sick for over 50 yrs & being so depressed, yet they are unhappy alcoholics or are very emotionally abusive people. I find it is easier to talk with friends than family. Sometimes I've had to withdraw from family because they keep you from changing & growing. If we get well, then it changes the whole family dynamic & that throws a wrench in the family dynamic & they'll do whatever it takes to suck you back in to where you were. When I say family, I don't just mean just immediate family, I'm talking the whole family.
Well, I've rambled on long enough. I tend to do that. I just want you to know that you are not alone - everyone uses something to get thru this life. We just have to know when we've had enough putting up with the emotional & physical pain of our past. Tired of the cover up. Think of all the energy we spend covering up our pain when we could actually be happy & enjoy this life. I've gone thru the pain of looking at my past & it was painful. Now I need to break all the habits of my thinking & acting & learn how to change so I can be the person I was meant to be. No more pleasing others so they'll like me, no more fearing that they won't. Accepting life for what it is and learning from it.
Best wishes to you to have the strength & wisdom to face your childhood & fears & become the man you were meant to be or the man you want to be.