Hi everyone,
Sometimes I wish that someone would tell me I am really "crazy". I hate always feeling like I am and feeling disassociated. This episode triggered from severe stress and it happened to me 10 years ago b/c of drugs. I overcame it but it was debilitating, it took about 7 months. I left in crisis 10 years ago, and just left left my life in NYC 2 months ago (i was there for 6.5 yeras) b/c of the same crippling symtpoms. I feel as if my worst fear came true- I got "sick" again. I am having a really hard time dealing today. I am soooooooooo depressed. I feel as if I am in a black hole. The problem is....I don't avoid anything. I put on my "mask" and face the day. I have moments of clarity and then I'm back in the hole. I have a hard time w/ emotions b/c I feel so detached. I suffer from obsessive scary thoughts as well. My boyfriend is moving home from NYC to be w/ me (temporarily) and start looking for a new job upstate.Normally I would be estacic but I feel so numb and in my "head" that I can't feel anything the way I use to. I am doing everything right...pray insisently to be healed, eat well, exercise, sleep good, take vitamins, therapy, the program, meds. My therapist and psychiatrist are wonderful. They are positive I will recover, but they are asking me to be patient...It takes time. I guess I am ANGRY b/c I went through this before, why do I have to be in this black hole again? please write back any support is greatly appreciated. God Bless- roc
Feeling horrible....
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Guest
Hello.
When I enter the forums, I look for those posts who have 0 replies. Then when I reply, I don't feel like I am competing with others who have already replied. Anyway, you say you are "doing everything right", and that you "pray to be healed".
Questions: How do you know you are doing everything
right? Next who are you praying to?
When I enter the forums, I look for those posts who have 0 replies. Then when I reply, I don't feel like I am competing with others who have already replied. Anyway, you say you are "doing everything right", and that you "pray to be healed".
Questions: How do you know you are doing everything
right? Next who are you praying to?
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Guest
Sometimes the biggest and most powerful wisdom comes from within ourselves and what God has already told us. We just need to learn to listen to that voice of truth inside us. I am so proud that you are sane enough to have just mentioned that truth in your post. It does take time and patience, in the program they say it took you a while to get to the bad place you are now, all that's happening is that it will take a while to get back and the feelings of despair in depression and the black hole will likely and logically be the hardest things to conquer,not the first ones to go away. I know that you are appreciating all the wonderful things about your specific recovery program, that you like it, that you enjoy your positive psychiatrists, even that you remember the fact that your boyfriend would make you ecstatic is a good sign of hope. All it takes is time for those wonderful seeds you are now in the habit of sowing to take root and start to a little and little more beautiful as they grow each day. You will soon be enable to appreciate them, and be thankful for them.
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Guest
I am in the same place, deep dark hole. It's hard to listen to people when they say "be patient, it will take time" We logically know that they are right. Someone gave me this advice "i try to pick a moment, even if it was just a few minutes, when i was happy or calm or relieved or positive in some way. i think of that moment and it reminds me that YES, i AM capable of experiencing something other than negative emotions. it doesn't have to be big."
We will get out of this dark hole, I know that you will make it, you are getting the help and support by using this site and program. One day at a time, set small goals and you will see progress.
We will get out of this dark hole, I know that you will make it, you are getting the help and support by using this site and program. One day at a time, set small goals and you will see progress.
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Guest
dear Julie , so sorry to jear you are feeling bad. when I read something like that it scares me. I think that could happen to me . I'm not having too many great days, but I think they are better than b/4 I started the program. When I first got it, I had a couple of wonderful days . I guess I just was filled with this hope. I;m sure I will get better., as you will too JulieI am sending a little prayer up for you right now.
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Guest
I, too, have felt disassociated and in a black hole...but no more. I learned that when you really want to heal and permanently, you have to work from inside out to reconnect with your inner sources of strength and guidance. So, hang in there and to all of you. I've overcome my fears by learning that simple truth. It takes time and practice. Lucinda's program is great. I used it and it helped lots. I even swore that if I overcame my problems I'd write a book about it. I healed, and I wrote my book called "Anxiety Rescue" that has really begun taking off. So, maybe you will write a book someday and share all the knowledge and strategies you learned from this journey of healing. From my spirit to yours! Hugs!
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Guest
When you talk about disassociated, could you please explain what you go through when you disassociated? I have been told that is what I have, for me it is like sometimes, I am outside my body, not in tune with me. Plus, I can't connected to other people. I was just wondering, is that what you felt also?
I also in that black hole. Somedays are rough, very rough. I have tried different meds. but I get the side effects from the meds, so far none has work. I also have PTSD, and with the PTSD, I have high anxiety,
Thank you,
Teri
I also in that black hole. Somedays are rough, very rough. I have tried different meds. but I get the side effects from the meds, so far none has work. I also have PTSD, and with the PTSD, I have high anxiety,
Thank you,
Teri
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Guest
Hi Teri,
I'm sorry you feel so badly. I haven't checked posts lately and didn't see you asked me a question. To answer it...I felt that when looking into a mirror, I didn't know who was looking back. If I thought about it too much it made matters worse. I mostly had this problem when I was in the throes of constant anxiety. REally, though, you are so much more than who you are looking at in the mirror. We overthink EVERYTHING. I think the best thing to do is just feel a certain degree of resignation that although I can't feel connected to me as much now, I will be able to resume that at some point. I now easily skip over this situation because I choose to focus on something else, something more positive. I look there in the mirror and feel, hey, I love you anyway! If you can learn to just feel positivelyl about yourself and all your problems, you'll jump headlong into recovery! I know I did and I wrote a book about how I used my own mind to help me instead of hurt me. You can too! Good luck.
I'm sorry you feel so badly. I haven't checked posts lately and didn't see you asked me a question. To answer it...I felt that when looking into a mirror, I didn't know who was looking back. If I thought about it too much it made matters worse. I mostly had this problem when I was in the throes of constant anxiety. REally, though, you are so much more than who you are looking at in the mirror. We overthink EVERYTHING. I think the best thing to do is just feel a certain degree of resignation that although I can't feel connected to me as much now, I will be able to resume that at some point. I now easily skip over this situation because I choose to focus on something else, something more positive. I look there in the mirror and feel, hey, I love you anyway! If you can learn to just feel positivelyl about yourself and all your problems, you'll jump headlong into recovery! I know I did and I wrote a book about how I used my own mind to help me instead of hurt me. You can too! Good luck.
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Guest
I definitely have had the symptoms you are describing. I have a ten year old son who has severe autism, and depersonalization is a way to escape. Your body's natural drugs, but not really that fun. Some people that do it actually like it so they are happier people, and we probably don't hear from those people. It does have to do with just finding your sense of self. Usually people who develop extreme depersonalization are child abuse survivors or sexual abuse survivors. Growing up, you didn't get a chance to develop your identity because you were too busy surviving. The extreme form of this disorder would be multiple personality disorder, and it is a defense mechanism from horrible abuse by developing different personalities to compartmentalize the trauma. It takes a long time and a lot of work to deal with that. However, most of us on here don't have multiple personalities, but just detach from our bodies. Also, you can get this later in life if you are involved in some trauma, like September 11. If you are involved in something that makes you question what's really important in life, what you really believe regarding your faith and safety you can definitely get dp. You are not alone, and you are not the only one who struggles with this repeatedly.
The only thing I can say is that what helps me is knowing that my true identity is that I am a child of God. Instead of focusing on who I really am, I've learned to focus on God and who He really is, and then who I am lines up with that. It's actually when we are at our weakest that God will intervene because He is glorified in those circumstances. It doesn't mean He wants us to suffer or anything, but He is just very close to us when we are the most broken hearted.
Right now, you feel numb, and you don't want to go through this again, and who can blame you?, but I know you've heard it a thousand times before, you "will be better than you were before." You're just growing and becoming the person that you were meant to be, and depersonalizing is just a side effect to that. Right now for some reason, your body is trying to help you by making you numb. Your body is talking to you, and if you just listen to it and let it do it's thing, you will come out on the other side. You will develop coping skills that will make it less likely that your body will use this defense mechanism. You got through it before, and you will get through it again.
Look up grounding techniques on the internet under child abuse survivors, and these will provide some coping skills for dealing with this symptom. Also, BE SUPER NICE TO YOURSELF! Take the bubble baths, eat the ice cream (I know this program doesn't advocate food very much, but maybe low fat or in moderation would help-I like snowcones),...I know you are doing a lot of hard work on yourself so just make sure that comforting yourself is also a priority. If you are an abuse survivor, give yourself what you didn't get as a child-that favorite doll, talk to yourself very lovingly and soothingly, etc. Once you are able to give yourself what you didn't get as a child you will move on and won't stay stuck there. So, watch your favorite movies, read your favorite books, laugh, etc. I mean people who don't have anxiety go through adjustment periods when they move etc., so of course you're going to go through a period.
Finally, someone on here always recommends Claire Weeks books, and I agree that she really understands depersonalization. Also, I know that books on Boundaries help me with dp because healthy boundaries help us to define who we are and who we are not. Henry Cloud's "Boundaries" book is an excellent Christian book on the topic, and there are many others. I'm glad you like your Psychiatrist and therapist, but make sure that you are doing work on boundaries. For me, going out on a blue day used to trigger my dp. It became symbolic for me and others because there weren't any clouds in the sky to represent boundaries. I've read of others who grew up in abusive homes having the same experiences. I grew up on the coast of Mississippi where there were many wonderful physical boundaries like the Beach and great beautiful Oak Trees. I didn't realize until I moved away that I was dependent on these physical boundaries because there were basically no psychological boundaries in my home. I wasn't even allowed to close my door in my bedroom or even have my own space most of the time growing up. Anyway, I moved away, and all of this trauma happened to me and with my son, and I was very empty inside and became very obvious when those physical boundaries weren't there that I hadn't developed psychological boundaries. Now, instead of blaming the way I feel on what's outside of me, I have focused on strengthening what's inside of me(the love of God), and unfortunately, it takes time, but once it happens, you're like Fort Knox:).
You're right you have done the work, so make sure you give yourself credit for that, and be just as nice to yourself too, and really look into boundary work.
You will be O.K. It will happen.
God Bless You,
luvpiggy
The only thing I can say is that what helps me is knowing that my true identity is that I am a child of God. Instead of focusing on who I really am, I've learned to focus on God and who He really is, and then who I am lines up with that. It's actually when we are at our weakest that God will intervene because He is glorified in those circumstances. It doesn't mean He wants us to suffer or anything, but He is just very close to us when we are the most broken hearted.
Right now, you feel numb, and you don't want to go through this again, and who can blame you?, but I know you've heard it a thousand times before, you "will be better than you were before." You're just growing and becoming the person that you were meant to be, and depersonalizing is just a side effect to that. Right now for some reason, your body is trying to help you by making you numb. Your body is talking to you, and if you just listen to it and let it do it's thing, you will come out on the other side. You will develop coping skills that will make it less likely that your body will use this defense mechanism. You got through it before, and you will get through it again.
Look up grounding techniques on the internet under child abuse survivors, and these will provide some coping skills for dealing with this symptom. Also, BE SUPER NICE TO YOURSELF! Take the bubble baths, eat the ice cream (I know this program doesn't advocate food very much, but maybe low fat or in moderation would help-I like snowcones),...I know you are doing a lot of hard work on yourself so just make sure that comforting yourself is also a priority. If you are an abuse survivor, give yourself what you didn't get as a child-that favorite doll, talk to yourself very lovingly and soothingly, etc. Once you are able to give yourself what you didn't get as a child you will move on and won't stay stuck there. So, watch your favorite movies, read your favorite books, laugh, etc. I mean people who don't have anxiety go through adjustment periods when they move etc., so of course you're going to go through a period.
Finally, someone on here always recommends Claire Weeks books, and I agree that she really understands depersonalization. Also, I know that books on Boundaries help me with dp because healthy boundaries help us to define who we are and who we are not. Henry Cloud's "Boundaries" book is an excellent Christian book on the topic, and there are many others. I'm glad you like your Psychiatrist and therapist, but make sure that you are doing work on boundaries. For me, going out on a blue day used to trigger my dp. It became symbolic for me and others because there weren't any clouds in the sky to represent boundaries. I've read of others who grew up in abusive homes having the same experiences. I grew up on the coast of Mississippi where there were many wonderful physical boundaries like the Beach and great beautiful Oak Trees. I didn't realize until I moved away that I was dependent on these physical boundaries because there were basically no psychological boundaries in my home. I wasn't even allowed to close my door in my bedroom or even have my own space most of the time growing up. Anyway, I moved away, and all of this trauma happened to me and with my son, and I was very empty inside and became very obvious when those physical boundaries weren't there that I hadn't developed psychological boundaries. Now, instead of blaming the way I feel on what's outside of me, I have focused on strengthening what's inside of me(the love of God), and unfortunately, it takes time, but once it happens, you're like Fort Knox:).
You're right you have done the work, so make sure you give yourself credit for that, and be just as nice to yourself too, and really look into boundary work.
You will be O.K. It will happen.
God Bless You,
luvpiggy