I hope this will help you. I have been a Christian all my life, but honestly I never understood the concept of Jesus being my friend or being by my side until recently. I always believed in God and that Jesus is the son of God, but it was never personal to me.
When I started having the panic attacks a few years ago, my therapist asked me, if I'm so afraid of dying then where is my faith? Then it suddenly clicked and I knew that I didn't have the faith I thought I had, and my first action was to start reading my Bible. All these years as a Christian and I had never read much of it.
So I started reading it, but I read the New Testament first, then the Old Testament. I'm still reading, by the way. It really has helped, but I must say that sometimes my personal experiences have done just as much for my feeling of closeness to God/Jesus.
Like you, I had heard people say things about talking to God or to Jesus and I never understood it. I understood praying and I said my prayers every night, but they were just the routine ones. With the anxiety I was desperate for help, and I prayed, a LOT. It did help, but I was expecting complete healing and it didn't come.
I slowly began to realize that I was becoming closer to God through my situation, so I came to the conclusion that God was using my anxiety to bring me closer to Him. Well it worked. Also I had the priveledge of having some very faithful believers as friends, who taught me a lot I didn't know.
One friend told me that if I didn't feel connected to God, I should sit very quietly in meditation until my mind was clear, and then once clear, to simply ask God to let me know how he feels about me, and wait. I did this and I was sitting in my living room. It was somewhat of an overcast day outside. After I asked God the question, I waited about 60 seconds, and all of a sudden it got very bright. My eyes were closed so I could only tell this by the light coming through my eyelids, but it was definite. I got this warm feeling all inside me, and it was like hearing God say "I love you!". I opened my eyes to discover that the sun was now pouring through my window. Of course anyone could say that this is purely a coincicence, but I believe it was God talking to me.
Another example (sorry if this is so long) is that I had always heard if you call out to God He will help you, but there were so many times when I needed His help and I prayed and it wasn't obvious. Then one day I was delivering a $1,000 check from a client to another agency, when the check got caught in the wind and within seconds it was halfway down the block. I panicked. There was no way I could call that lady and tell her I lost her check. I tried running after it, but it was clear to me that was futile, so I stopped where I was and literally cried out, "God, HELP ME!". Just then a man down the street stepped out of his truck, stepped on the check as it was blowing by him, and as I ran up to him he handed it to me and said, "You must be looking for this". I have been telling people that story ever since. It was so amazing to see God at work and in action in my life like that.
I have loads of other examples, but I won't bore you to death with them. I have a lot of athiest and agnostic friends, and I know that from where you are all this may seem a little crazy, but it isn't, and when and if you finally just let go of your doubts everything will be crystal clear.
Email me if you want to talk.
sandinafh@cox.net
Sandina
HE loves US FIRST, he searches US out FIRST! HE tugs at our hearts and our souls with these sorts of quest ions... This will become clear as you go along!