sorry this is long...

Iridescence · Post by **Iridescence** » Sat Feb 09, 2008 3:57 am

i have been dating my boyfriend for two years. We had the movie like love story start. the first year was amazing. but I am very anxious about our relationship because we are both changing. He used to be really heavy into partying before we started dating but a year before he lost a close friend to drunk driving and he stopped everything cold turkey and started attending church. to me the most attractive thing in a man is a passion and love for Christ that is followed by a passionate love for me and desire to make a difference. I raised in a small town and a close knit church family so I understand that I have high expectations for the men I date, he exceeded them.
But the problem is we both have been through a lot. my parents live together but they do not love eachother I watched years of neglect and abandonment from my dad to my mom. my mom hates herself and doesnt not take care of herself she lets everyone walk all over her. My boyfriends parent were married for 18 years and his dad was an alcoholic and died of liver cancer just two years ago. So neither of us really understand love. Recently I have really been learning to tak initiative in my life and I have had some woderful experiences but i still feel stuck and lost and like I am making the wrong decisions. He recently started drinking again. Not a lot, but to me it is hard. He never wanted to touch that stuff again and now he has a few beers a week just by himself. I wouldnt mind so much if it was just something he did when he had guys night or we order pizza and a movie. But progressively he has gotten meaner and insenseitive. Last night he told me that he doesn't feel that he wants to say he loves me anymore. Part of me feels like its my fault by being so emotional all time and anxious but he knows im trying to work on that but I really need his love and support. part of me wants to break up with him because i feel hes giving up on everything and i believe I deserve better. another part of me is afraid that when Im 90 ill sit around and wonder what if. and the pathetic part of me wants to stick out another week because i dont want to deal with this losing him and plus valentines day and my birthday are next week and hes the only one I want to spend that with. im torn in two because deep down i know i would never marry him this way but i equally feel we could get what we used to have if we just pray and work together. but im still very young i have some college left and things I want to do before I get married.
I also feel guilty now for this post because he likes to keep things between us, but i can't talk to him because he is so indifferent and complacent lately.
Please pray for me and I would appreciate any advice possible. sometimes I feel so small and i scare myself with thoughts of the future i would love it if he and I could just live in the moment together and laugh and enjoy eachother. I cry at the drop of a hat and im tired and it makes me feel like picking up and driving off to somewhere where I can be alone, but I can't do that right now.

Barb G. · Post by **Barb G.** » Sat Feb 09, 2008 4:38 am

Good morning Irid,I see you just registered does that mean you ordered the program? I hope so. Sounds like it would help you a lot.I kinda got a kick out of your comment when you're a 91 year old woman saying "what if". Lol you are saying what if now. Isn't it better to say the "what if" now and make some changes? Your heart already knows it looks like the time to leave. A part of your heart is thinking of the romantic time of Valentine's Day and your birthday coming up. Who will you have? GOD. God is ALWAYS there. He will never leave or forsake you. I know it's a hard decision and I'm not telling you to leave your boyfriend. You have to be the one to make that decision. If you're not able to talk to him, could you write a letter and would he respond? You need to have a serious talk with God and ask Him to direct you. I will be praying for you. Please post again to let me know how things go.

Iridescence · Post by **Iridescence** » Sat Feb 16, 2008 3:16 am

we are still trying please please pray!! i need prayers. thank you

Barb G. · Post by **Barb G.** » Sat Feb 16, 2008 3:39 am

I am praying Irid. By now you should have your program. Please do it and do your relaxation CD. It will help you. If your boyfriend wants to help you have him listen to the CD "I'm here for you". If he really loves you, he will give you this time to work the program. He will not stand in your way but be there to cheer you on. Come on here and in chat for the encouragement you need.

*D* · Post by ***D*** » Sat Feb 16, 2008 11:11 am

IRID,
you mntioned that he quit drinking cold turkey and started drinking again..i stopped in 85 and would by the grace of GOD ever touch it again..i know what it did to me and my family..even though i am remarried we go to CHURCH,read GODS word and pray together each night before bed.i have never met anyone like her before that does that.
i will not tell you what to do. i have been there before..i know what it will bring if he continues to do it and you let him. i had rather be alone on valentines day or my birthday then to be with someone that started drinking again. it leads to bad experience. and, do not say you do not mind if he goes out and does it will the guys..
i am not trying to be mean but as a CHRISTIAN to another i wain you to be happy..
take care and know that you are in our thoughts and prayers and GOD BLESS..
if you have a chance please read my profile for a little insight of where i am coming for..
don

HopfulME · Post by **HopfulME** » Sat Feb 16, 2008 1:51 pm

Irid,
Your boyfriend stopped drinking because he was scared and he did want to better himself. He was making progress, but the compulsion still lingers. If he started to worry about something or started to get depressed, he may have started thinking about that drink. One thing led to another and he picked it up. Now it may be out of control again and he can't stop. If you are able to have a frank conversation with him, please talk to him. DO NOT TALK TO HIM WHEN HE HAS BEEN DRINKING!!! I have been through this. He will not respond well. Also whenevery someone has even one drink it makes you more courageous and he may promise things that he won't commit to.
Explain how you are feeling to him when he is in a calm mood. Make a promise to yourself that you will not make any rash decisions until you at least try going through the program. Right now you are second guessing yourself and are so stressed out that you will not make the most rational decisions. He wants you to keep it between the two of you because he would be embarrassed if anyone else knew. You can hide in the darkness, but not in the light. Talk to someone that you trust to give sound judgement. Maybe your minister or priest. Maybe the elderly woman next door. When he is drunk and saying mean things, leave him to himself. Don't take it personally. You will get worked up and he won't even remember tomorrow. Not worth dying over. You will find peace. Pray and I will pray. GOD is with you and with him. Remember you have time to make your decision. Don't make a rash decision, but do not stay with him for too long if he is unwilling to even try to change. AA may be the best bet, but it will be hard to get him there. Someone objective may be able to convince him. Well take care and if the situation does become abusive, leave immediately.
HOPEFULL

Iridescence · Post by **Iridescence** » Mon Feb 25, 2008 4:15 pm

thank you all for your support we are spending three weeks apart i just spoke to him over the phone, its been a few days since I last talked to him. It is a good decision for the both of us to get in touch with God and go from there. Anyways though I feel numb, confused, and like the program isn't working. I haven't been doing it like I should but I don't want to start over. but im afraid of suffering from the same things. I'm so lost right now.