Originally posted by luvpiggy:
I can definitely understand why you are feeling the way you are feeling about God. I have lived with anxiety for many years now, and I have a child who has severe autism. Autism is a disability that can cause a person not to be able to speak, hinder development, and cause many different behaviors which can include screaming, not sleeping, etc. What some people don't know about autism is that there is a regressive type. This type of autism means that your child appears normal and has normal development for the first two years of life and then loses the development, and sometimes this happens overnight. My son had the regressive type, so in a very strong way, it was almost as if he had died because he lost many skills that he has not regained. I say all of this to tell you that over the past 7 years since his diagnosis and battling with anxiety which definitely increased after his diagnosis, that I have learned so much about God. It would take me forever to tell you, and I may not say all of the right things, but I'll try to help you in any way I can, and please know that I do not judge you for feeling the way you do. God gives us freedom to make choices, and from everything that I have been through with my anxiety and my son, I am certain that God is real, loves us all, and only wants what is best for us.
Right now, I can see that you are seeing many things happening to you that are bad that you feel are coming directly from the hand of God. The truth is that you really don't know for sure why you didn't get that job. The truth is that there could really be something that God is keeping you from at that job that could harm you. The truth is that if it was because of God that you didn't get the job, that He has a better plan for you than you realize. Please don't limit yourself to deciding whether or not God loves you through whether or not you get a certain job at a certain time. God loves you no matter what your circumstances, and uses so many different ways to show you that love. I remember in the past before my son's diagnosis, having what now I consider to be tinier panic attacks, and the moment I had the panic attack I would immediately be angry with God. Why did I get so angry with Him? Because I had a distorted view of God. I believed that God was like my abusive father, and if I chipped a nail I thought I was being punished by Him too so why not blame him for panic attacks? I believed that anything bad that happened to me was from God. I didn't think He wanted me ever to have joy or be happy. That was how my earthly father was, and our parents tend to be the ones who shape our view of God. I was also just immature in my faith, and that was to be expected as well at the time. God didn't let me stay there though, and He has used my painful experiences with my son to actually show me His unconditional love for my son who can't talk or go to the bathroom, and to me his imperfect mother who struggles with anxiety. There is scripture that says, "All things work together for good to those who love Christ Jesus". Does this say that all things are good and your supposed to like everything that happens to you like your child being sick, being unemployed, having anxiety,losing a loved one? No! Sometimes people get confused about that. This scripture says that God will take what is bad and use it for good when you love Him. Instead of looking at that as some potential punishment that if you don't follow Him He won't help you, try looking at it as a benefit or perk to following God. If you do decide to follow Him, you have His assurance and promise that He will use your bad circumstances for good. He can also get you out of bad circumstances as an additional benefit, and prayer really does change things. "Nothing is impossible with God"(Luke 1:37) What benefits:)! So, my advice is to consider the possibility that you are looking at God through a distorted lens and that will probably take time to mend. There are many wonderful Christian books, and I highly recommend, "God Has A Dream For Your Life" by Sheila Walsh for your circumstances. She is a great and loving Christian author. You need to see God as a loving God. "For I know the plans I have for you, plans to prosper you, and not to destroy you, to give you a future and hope." Jeremiah 29:11 is the verse that I believe that God wants you to know. There are many other great books if you would like to private message me about them and some other sources. Also, for me personally, just reading books on miracles, and watching the show "It's a miracle" or paying attention to miraculous news stories like the family being rescued in the blizzard, are just so encouraging that God really is there. When you read these stories or watch them, you see that these are just everyday people who weren't perfect, and God gave them miracles. He'll do that for you too, because He does it for all of us. God is a constant source of love. It's such a blessing to know that. I know it's not something that you can imagine right now, but that's one of the greatest benefits from God. Peace, and love no matter what your circumstances. Knowing that you have value as a child of God no matter what your job status or disability. Knowing that God works through you whenever and wherever you are if you just let Him though it may be as simple as you opening a door for someone who's carrying too many packages. It may be just very simple. It may just be your presence on the supermarket isle because someone else felt alone and just needed to see another body in the store. We tend to underestimate the way God uses us because we think it has to big and grand. He does that too, but He also cares for us so intimately that He uses small situations to show us that he's there too. In fact, the Bible says that God works through us the most in our state of weakness. "For when I am weak, He is strong." 2Corinthians 12:10 When we are the most broken, and look to the Creator of the universe for our strength, He loves it because others are most likely to see God in us, and that helps them see His love and majesty and actually comforts them.
I promise you that this has not been an easy road for me, and it is far from over. I am not always happy, and I do wish my son was miraculously healed. And that's O.K. because God can handle me feeling my bad feelings and telling Him about it. That's a loving God:). Shortly after my son's diagnosis, I tried to be strong, but I just couldn't. Many other life threatening circumstances happened, and for several months I had what you could definitely call a nervous breakdown. At one point, I was on a medication that was causing me severe problems, and I literally could not eat, sleep, or drink from the trauma. I was sure that God was punishing me, that I was in hell, and when I thought things couldn't get any worse, they did. I literally almost died from that experience, but a loving God rescued me. Someone prayed for me, and I felt a wave go through my body, and I wasn't completely healed, but I was better. From that point on, I continued to lean on God. It's not that I wasn't leaning on Him before, but my perception of Him was wrong and needed changing. Also, I don't know why I went through what I did, but as I look back on it, I can see that there were people involved who were not following God in their treatment of me and my son. That had a lot to do with my pain, and not God. Also, God did send people who were doing His will to help me and my family. I really did see miracles from that point on, and I continue to see them today because my perception has changed in what I consider to be a miracle. You know, these miracles aren't necessarily monumental and don't involve my son being cured, but they consist of meeting a stranger who says the right thing at the right time, a well-timed phone call, unexpected money, my son coming over to the coach sitting at my feet and saying "Mama" to me on my birthday after a silent prayer to God reminding Him that my son hadn't said the word "mama" in a while:), or finding my lost dog, Nemo, after commenting to my husband that we shouldn't have named him Nemo because now we have to find him, and then saying maybe his name means we will find him just like in the movie "Finding Nemo":). These are all just miracles. Sometimes my perception is still distorted, but He continues to work with me-lovingly, gently, patiently.
Is my son cured from autism? No. Do I still have anxiety? Yes, but not as often, and I'll be thankful for that and keep praying and working on it. Do I live in a mansion and have everything I want in life? No. It's life, and I am slowly swallowing and digesting that. Do I want anything else bad to happen? Of course not, and I am at least going to ask for that from God. There is no one on this planet who has a perfect life. It's not heaven. That's for the after life, but that doesn't mean that God doesn't give us glimpses of heaven when we are here on this planet. Pay attention to the fact "For God so loved the World, that He gave his only begotten son."(John 3:16) Life won't be perfect here, but that doesn't mean that God doesn't love us or want good things for us here, and good things can still happen for you. I am certain of that. Psalm 27 ends with David being confident that God will "Let me see the goodness of the Lord in the Land of the Living." David who is so close to God knows that there is Heaven, but He is also confident of His goodness in this world. I know that you are angry and hurt and in pain, but the truth is that whether or not you believe in God, life is hard sometimes and sometimes harder for some of us than others. I just don't think turning away from God will give you the answer you are looking for or make your life better. I just think it is your perception of Him that needs changing. There are also other factors besides God in this life. Christians believe that there is a Satan who roams around like a lion on this planet just waiting to devour us when we turn from God or are just weak emotionally, physically, or spiritually, and the world is filled with imperfect people who do not always do the will of God and this may cause us pain. We don't always know where the source of our pain comes from, but it is clear that it is probably not from God. It is also clear that even if we do not know the source, the more we take the time to see the truth about God, the loving God who cares about the number of hairs on all of our heads, who knows each of us as intimately as we want Him to, that when we tap into that love our circumstances may not change(and they can always change too:), but our perception about our circumstances will surely change. One of my greatest struggles over the years has been, "Who am I God?", but I have found that I have been asking the wrong question. The question that I should have been asking is "Who are you God?", and the more that question is asked and answered the less I have to ask the wrong question. It doesn't matter who I am. All that matters is that I let a loving God work through me to accomplish His always loving will. And guess what? His will can actually be something that gives me joy. "Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart." (Psalm 37:4) I hope some of this makes sense. I feel that God wants me to end with this scripture "Surely, there is a future and your hope will not be cut off." Proverbs 23:18 God gave me that scripture before all hell seemed to break loose, and I have seen Him use it many times to help me. What a loving God:). Also, Psalm 27:13-14
I am still confident of this:
I will see the goodness of the LORD
in the land of the living.
14 Wait for the LORD;
be strong and take heart
and wait for the LORD.
Finally, I really don't want you to think I am speaking as some type of Polly Anna or that you should feel any guilt for how you are feeling or that I am someone who has it all figured out. I am someone who has had many struggles, and I really have seen a loving God help me in many ways during my struggles. He really is there. Will I ever feel the way you do? It is possible. We are all only human, but at this point I have just seen that I really do get better the more my perception of God as a loving God grows. It really does help, and has been a key in my recovery.
God Bless you and I will pray for you.