Anxious about conflict

WantMyOldSelf · Post by **WantMyOldSelf** » Sun Feb 08, 2009 2:04 pm

Hello everyone, I was hoping to find some spiritual as well as practical advice for a situation that is causing me lots of anxiety. A little background, I have OCD and have successfully treated some major obsessions/compulsions in the past. Most of my daily anxiety is well controlled thanks to this program.

My husband and I belong to a Bible study for married couples and a few weeks ago, were asked to lead the study while the normal leader was out of town. The study went well and we received several compliments the following days on how well things went. However, there was a short discussion on a sensitive subject (divorce) during the study that did not last long...maybe five minutes or less. It was not the topic of the study but did come up during the discussion.

I guess a member of the group was offended by some of the things that were said. This was never brought up to anyone until today when she emailed the group and talked about how offended she was and hurt by talk of divorce (and how it was a sin), and it made her cry, etc. First, this bothers me because she was hurt.... I worry obsessively about offending people. Second, I do not recall at ALL discussing divorce in terms of sin, so I feel a bit defensive. Third, I feel that if there was truly a problem, she should have approached the people who she felt specifically hurt her instead of announcing it to the entire group.

I feel anxious, hurt, defensive, guilty, etc....you name it! If anything hurtful was said, I never ever ever meant it, and feel horribly guilty about that. on top of that, I am embarrassed that she would call me out like that..what happened to confrontation done the Biblical way?

I guess I am seeking advice on bow to handle the anxiety... I am worrying endlessly what others may think of me, continually going over that night's discussion in my head trying to pinpoint anything offensive that I may have said, and so on. Secondly, should I confront this woman about what she did? I don't want to make the situation worse, and she's usually someone that has a lot of drama in her life, so I'm not sure confronting her would be the right thing to do.

I am so hurt and embarrassed.

Thanks in advance for the advice.

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Sun Feb 08, 2009 2:20 pm

As you said, the majority praised you on your leadership and you should not let one person ruin that for you. You need to realize that no one can please everyone...you would drive yourself crazy trying to(believe me I've tried). If you could remember how the subject of divorce came up maybe that would help too. Someone in the group may be going through a difficult time and is reaching out. I respect everyone's beliefs and I am not criticizing, but divorce is sometimes the best thing to do. If a relationship is abusive I am sure the person would be forgiven for getting out. So again, maybe someone in the group is reaching out. By the way, she does sound a little dramatic if a subject that was discussed for only 5 minutes made her cry.

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Sun Feb 08, 2009 3:30 pm

WantMyoldSelf, sounds like you did a great job. I wouldn't worry about the lady who got upset, I would pray for her. We can't please everyone. When Jesus was here, people got upset with Him too.
I wouldn't confronting, the woman, if she sends emails to everyone. She could turn around and sent an email about what you two talk about.
Divorce, is a part of life. My Pastor, will tell people not to stay in an abusive relationship.
My Pastor, has preach against child abuse, people have got upset with him, and told him, he shouldn't preach on that. Yet, those same people were abusing their child. When it came out in the light, the people left the church. God, don't want children in a family, where their is harsh abuse going on, or the spouse being abuse very badly. So sometimes, divorce is right.
With divorce being mention in the class, it was ok.
If you can, try to keep the feelings, you had before you got the email. Think about how others said it was great. Don't let the devil steal your joy. Satan, will send something our way to get us down. Don't get him a stronghold. I would just put the lady in God's hands, and ask God to help her understand.
After thinking about it, I might just say to the woman, I am sorry you were upset, and leave it at that. Just put her in God's hands.
I hope this help.
Sunshine1960

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Sun Feb 08, 2009 3:51 pm

Hi, thanks for the advice. First I totally agree that in some situations divorce is the right thing to do. I don't know why she got divorced or the circumstances surrounding her first marriage and wasn't even aware that she was divorced until today. Racking my brain, I know there was nothing un-Biblical about what was discussed, but again it was just a short discussion which really had not much to do with the Bible study.

At any rate, I am telling myself that I have no control over people's responses. I really, truly, did not wish to offend her or anyone who has gone through the pain of divorce, I am just upset that she made a big deal of it in front of the entire group. sunshine you make a good point, if I confront her she might end up talking about it to the entire group again. And honestly, I can't be THAT surprised because she often discloses intimate details of her current marriage (mostly conflicts) that I wouldn't feel are appropriate (kind of like, it should only be something that you and your spouse talk about).

anyway, it's hard. I am trying to let it go. I feel I need to let it sit for a few days before responding (if responding at all)...I don't want to respond in anger or frustration and hurt, and just make things worse.

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Sun Feb 08, 2009 4:18 pm

Wantmyoldself, you did NOTHING wrong

Relax, "this too shall pass".
The topic of divorce seems to be such a delicate issue(myself included) because there is division in the church as to whether it's "right or wrong"...therefore, her being offended by the conversation is probably a PERSONAL issue.(you did state that she has alot of drama in her life)..DO NOT take that personally!
As far as her not coming to you first about this issue she had with the conversation, Let me back YOU up with scripture, "If your brother sins(or wrongs) you, go and show him his fault, JUST BETWEEN THE TWO OF YOU." Matthew 18:15
YES, she should have come to you personally, not included everyone else on this dispute.
I think that you should just pray about it and IF she continues the dispute, than confront her with it, again, JUST BETWEEN YOU AND HER. Chances are she will drop it and it will be water under the bridge.
As Christians, we ARE sensitive to other "feelings", and that's OKAY, however, DO NOT lose your OWN peace over something that you cannot "control", if you know what I mean???

anyways, that's my two-cents worth..
Hang in there, you will be just fine!
take care and God bless you
Robin

RodH · Post by **RodH** » Sun Feb 08, 2009 4:28 pm

Hi, you are so welcome. Letting it seat for a few days, is a good thing to do. I would just put her in God's hands, and pray for Him to bring her peace.
You sound like me, trying to be a peace maker, trying to make things right. I have been in a situation, with a family member, where she said somethings that where hurtful, I try to make peace. The end result, was I got very hurt by her reply back. I had to learn the hard way, to let go, and let God, which wasn't easy for me, cause I feel, like I have to fix things. This family member was one of my sister's. She attack me and two of our other sister's. I had to learn, she has to deal with her own feelings, I can't help her there. I also learn, emails, get out of hand, what you say in an email, doesn't come out that way. It is better for people to talk face to face, so any misundestandings can get straight out. My sister is like the lady, who send out an email. My sister send out emails to me and my sisters, we were all address in one email, and that is where everything began.
I did tell my sister, anything I done to hurt her, I was sorry, and ask for her forgiveness. That wasn't good enough for her. Yet, I felt good, that I did my part, in asking for forgiveness. I sat and worry about it, start having anxiety, panic attacks, and when into a very deep depression. What I did, was give her power over me. I had to give her to God.
Didn't mean to go into all this, I just wanted you to know, I do understand. Don't let this person have your power, tell yourself, you did a good job, and let it go. I know easier said than done.
Sunshine1960

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Mon Feb 09, 2009 1:14 am

Thank you for the advice, mom of 6 and sunshine. Last night I prayed that if I had said anything that offended or hurt this woman in any way, that God would show me my sin. I also prayed that I could just let it go and put it into God's hands. The thing I don't like the most about this situation is my immediate response is to just withdraw from the group and stop attending, acting like a wounded puppy. But I am so afraid of what others may think of me that I feel ashamed and embarrassed to face them! Even though - again - I know logically that I did nothing wrong.

And YES, mom of 6, that verse from Matthew was going through my head during this ordeal. It really bothers me that this was not brought to me privately. I was up all night worrying about it! Not good!

I have decided not to respond to this woman and just see if it will blow over... while trying to keep my sanity and stop worrying about it!