Hello Everyone,
Some of you may remember me, and I am sure there are alot of new people who don't but I need some serious help.
I really don't know what to do anymore. I can't seem to hold myself together. My life is one big panic attack, that is when I am not sleeping my depression away.
I lost my grandmother in December to Stage IV Colon Cancer. It was the most difficult thing I have ever had to endure in my life. My mother and I took care of her when she could no longer be alone, I don't regret it for a minute as I know she would have done the same for me but it has crushed my heart. I didn't just get a phone call from someone telling me she had passed, I witnessed it until the bitter end. I am still haunted by it. I seemed to be able to hold up quiet well when I was around her but I would come home nightly and break down. I never wanted to scare her or to make her lose hope. Even though I knew in my heart she wasn't going to pull through I always encouraged her to keep fighting and that is exactly what she did until God decided to call her home.
I still grieve for my grandmother daily. Not a time that doesn't go by that I don't think about her, see or hear something that reminds me of her or wish more then anything she was still with me.
Now my mother who is my life support is in the hospital, anyone who knows me knows that my mother has ongoing health problems, Diabetes, Heart Disease and other things. She was just diagnosed with Congestive Heart Failure Sunday.
They gave her medicine to get rid of the fluid she had backed up in her lungs but I found out today that she is going to have to be on Oxygen when she comes home.
My soul is just completely crushed. I don't know how much more heartache I can bear.
I don't have a big family to begin with and I already lost my dear grandmother and all I can think about is what if my mother passes.
I really don't believe I can go on.
She is my world and always has been.
My anxiety is at the worst it has ever been....ever. I am in a constant state of panic, constant crying.
I called my Psychiatrist today and of course he is out of town until Monday. He doesn't do anything to really help me anyway. I have been on Klonopin for at least 8 years at the same dose. It does nothing for me. I have had the talk about changing meds with him numerous times and he totally disregards my issues.
I know I need to find a new Psychiatrist but with Agoraphobia most of the time it is next to impossible for me to even leave my home.
I am also in desperate need of therapy.
I feel like I am totally stuck. I can't get well. I have had this so long I really see no end in sight.
And yes I have the program but didn't finish it.
No excuse why ( sorry Bry, I hope you know I love you)
I used to come into chat all the time and have made some really good friends who I do keep in touch with still. I quit coming in because so much drama was happening all the time all it did was upset me so I thought it was better to just stay away.
I just don't have motivation for anything to be honest. I just have no idea to handle the bad things that are happening in my life and I guess I just needed to vent.
Thank you to whomever reads this....
Karen M.
Please Read!!!!
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Pixie_tired
- Posts: 25
- Joined: Thu Dec 28, 2006 11:56 am
Hi Karen,
I am so sorry for what you are going through. I can literally read all the pain in your words.
I'm afraid I don't have advice except to come back to the group and lean on the people here for as long as you need to. Give the program another chance. Maybe your doc's nurse can made some headway with whoever is convering for him while he's out of town if you coud explain the situation. And, I've heard of people who did counseling online or over the phone- sounds like something ou might look into.
I'm so sorry for your struggles and the loss of your grandmother. We'll be praying for a quick recovery for your mom and you
Keep us updated and best wishes.
I am so sorry for what you are going through. I can literally read all the pain in your words.
I'm afraid I don't have advice except to come back to the group and lean on the people here for as long as you need to. Give the program another chance. Maybe your doc's nurse can made some headway with whoever is convering for him while he's out of town if you coud explain the situation. And, I've heard of people who did counseling online or over the phone- sounds like something ou might look into.
I'm so sorry for your struggles and the loss of your grandmother. We'll be praying for a quick recovery for your mom and you
Keep us updated and best wishes.
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Guest
Hi Karen,
First, let me say I am sorry about your Grandma. I certainly understand your loss and how you are feeling. I lost my big sister three years ago, she was only 47, to lung cancer. I took care of her the same way you described you took care of your Grandma. I was there at her last breath..I watched her leave this earth. I thought that must be the hardest thing I ever went throughand I wondered how I would live daily. Then my sweet father passed away a year later. It is hard to lose people you love...and at first it always feels like it will hurt intensely forever. It seems the pain will always be there torturing you. That is normal Karen....we loved them. It does get better though...one day at a time. We learn to live without them and we learn to remember them without all the pain attached to it. This year I can remember my sister and Dad and even though I cry because I miss them....it feels good to remember and I can laugh about some things that we did that make the memories worth visiting. There is no remedy to deal with grief. The old saying is true....as hard as it is to accept....time will heal the wounds. Right now they are new and painful...they do heal...just like a wound in your skin...it takes time and careful attention.
I want to encourage you to get your program back out and finish it. I had agoraphobia too...almost thirty years. It was hard for me to do the program too....I am not sure how much time passed before I even began it after I got it in the mail, and then how many times I quit after beginning. I had many reasons and no reasons. After my Dad died...I decided I wanted to live without the limits...I wanted freedom....so I did the program.
Today....almost a year after I finished it. I am free from panic and fear. FREE. I live my life and I love it. I am happy to wake up everyday. I thank God for the wonderful people He has put in my life and I enjoy all of my moments with them. I decided I was not going to let panic take one more moment of my life....I wanted to live each moment to the fullest possible extent! NO more fear.
Don't give up Karen....it's worth it to fight. I know it's hard...we all know...we have all been where you are. There is a road out though...you must walk it. You must take the steps....they lead to freedom.
If you must....think of what your Grandma would say....she would tell you to fight the same way you told her to....the difference is that you have a big chance to change your situation. She would want you to live free. If you have to find the motivation in the pain....then reach in and take hold of it and do something for yourself. Don't give up. Please...you have a chance...don't throw it away.
I wish you well.....hope to see you in chat soon.
Dianelynn
First, let me say I am sorry about your Grandma. I certainly understand your loss and how you are feeling. I lost my big sister three years ago, she was only 47, to lung cancer. I took care of her the same way you described you took care of your Grandma. I was there at her last breath..I watched her leave this earth. I thought that must be the hardest thing I ever went throughand I wondered how I would live daily. Then my sweet father passed away a year later. It is hard to lose people you love...and at first it always feels like it will hurt intensely forever. It seems the pain will always be there torturing you. That is normal Karen....we loved them. It does get better though...one day at a time. We learn to live without them and we learn to remember them without all the pain attached to it. This year I can remember my sister and Dad and even though I cry because I miss them....it feels good to remember and I can laugh about some things that we did that make the memories worth visiting. There is no remedy to deal with grief. The old saying is true....as hard as it is to accept....time will heal the wounds. Right now they are new and painful...they do heal...just like a wound in your skin...it takes time and careful attention.
I want to encourage you to get your program back out and finish it. I had agoraphobia too...almost thirty years. It was hard for me to do the program too....I am not sure how much time passed before I even began it after I got it in the mail, and then how many times I quit after beginning. I had many reasons and no reasons. After my Dad died...I decided I wanted to live without the limits...I wanted freedom....so I did the program.
Today....almost a year after I finished it. I am free from panic and fear. FREE. I live my life and I love it. I am happy to wake up everyday. I thank God for the wonderful people He has put in my life and I enjoy all of my moments with them. I decided I was not going to let panic take one more moment of my life....I wanted to live each moment to the fullest possible extent! NO more fear.
Don't give up Karen....it's worth it to fight. I know it's hard...we all know...we have all been where you are. There is a road out though...you must walk it. You must take the steps....they lead to freedom.
If you must....think of what your Grandma would say....she would tell you to fight the same way you told her to....the difference is that you have a big chance to change your situation. She would want you to live free. If you have to find the motivation in the pain....then reach in and take hold of it and do something for yourself. Don't give up. Please...you have a chance...don't throw it away.
I wish you well.....hope to see you in chat soon.
Dianelynn
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Guest
<span class="ev_code_PURPLE">Wow! What an amazing story Karen and beautiful responses. Karen, I too used to go to chat and stopped all of a sudden. I just went back to chat and this site after being away almost 8 months I think. I still havent finished my program but I am planning on picking it back up really soon. I know exactly how you feel. I am at that place of despair in my life too. Pretty much spinning in circles. I will pray for you and you can pray for me if you want. All I know is I want this hell that is surronding me to leave me and for me to find my freedom again. Thanks again for all the posts yall. Kitten.</span>
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Guest
My prayers are with you and your whole family. Remember, CHF is NOT a death centence, my father has lived with it and diabetes for 9 yrs. He is 70! You have to take care of yourself so that you are strong enought to help your mom throught the bad times. Pray Pray Pray and know we are too. (((((HUG))))))
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Guest
Karen...Im so sorry for all the pain your going through right now. Its not a wonder you feel overwhelmed. I wish I had a magic answer that would just take it all away in a snap of a finger but it takes time for pain to heal.
Sounds like you were very close to gramma and she lived to the end surrounded by your love and thats a wonderfull gift you gave her. Your an amazing woman. You were there with her in life now my best advice is to honor her death by living your life. She would want you to enjoy the gift God has given you as she did and was able to touch your life for so many years.
If your not happy with your therapist I highly suggest you find a new one. The right person to talk to is such a wonderfull help. Sometimes your Pastor will come to your home if you request it. It might be a good place to start. Call and see if they can help you get through this time of pain and sorrow.
I hear you about the chat it can get a bit ridiculous at times...but on the whole its a wonderfull place to come. Ive been on since Oct 2007 and have found that morning and early afternoons are very quiet (as far as drama) and you get alot of the support we are so desperately craving. The evening and night hours are the "party" hours as I call them and I tend not to come often then.
Come back and let us help you through this.
Annette (Dodger)
Sounds like you were very close to gramma and she lived to the end surrounded by your love and thats a wonderfull gift you gave her. Your an amazing woman. You were there with her in life now my best advice is to honor her death by living your life. She would want you to enjoy the gift God has given you as she did and was able to touch your life for so many years.
If your not happy with your therapist I highly suggest you find a new one. The right person to talk to is such a wonderfull help. Sometimes your Pastor will come to your home if you request it. It might be a good place to start. Call and see if they can help you get through this time of pain and sorrow.
I hear you about the chat it can get a bit ridiculous at times...but on the whole its a wonderfull place to come. Ive been on since Oct 2007 and have found that morning and early afternoons are very quiet (as far as drama) and you get alot of the support we are so desperately craving. The evening and night hours are the "party" hours as I call them and I tend not to come often then.
Come back and let us help you through this.
Annette (Dodger)
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Guest
I'm so sorry for the loss of your grandma, i had a wonderful grandmother as well, we were very close. She's been gone for many years, but thoughts of her always bring me comfort. One thing that is helping me so much, in addition to this program, is a book by Claire Weekes called Hope and Help for your Nerves. Its very easy to read and really defines the issues of anxiety and explains very simply how to deal with the feelings we get from it. My best to you - Julie
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Guest
Hi Karen,
Stay strong and prayful. Try as best you can to find another doctor who can maybe change or increase your medication.
Try to spend as much time as your can with your mother and cherish the time that you have. I have been through this before so I really understand what you are going through. It okay to be scared, frustrated and even ANGRY. Lean on your friends and family for support you are going to need help, love and support right now.
Just know if though you miss your grandmother she is in a better place with no more suffering and pain. Remember the good times you shared with her and let that comfort you right now. She is gone in body,not in spirit so talk to her let her know how you are doing and that you need her. I use to have dreams of my father smiling after talking to him after he to passed away after a long battle with colon cancer. I think this was his way of letting me know he was okay. I didn't miss him any less but I knew by the smile everything was okay.
I'm going to pray for you and your mom tonight.
Stay strong and prayful. Try as best you can to find another doctor who can maybe change or increase your medication.
Try to spend as much time as your can with your mother and cherish the time that you have. I have been through this before so I really understand what you are going through. It okay to be scared, frustrated and even ANGRY. Lean on your friends and family for support you are going to need help, love and support right now.
Just know if though you miss your grandmother she is in a better place with no more suffering and pain. Remember the good times you shared with her and let that comfort you right now. She is gone in body,not in spirit so talk to her let her know how you are doing and that you need her. I use to have dreams of my father smiling after talking to him after he to passed away after a long battle with colon cancer. I think this was his way of letting me know he was okay. I didn't miss him any less but I knew by the smile everything was okay.
I'm going to pray for you and your mom tonight.
I'm so sorry hon :[
You must be going through so much right now.
I understand you are grieving and I don't blame you, it's okay to be hurt. I will pray for you.
I don't mean this to hurt you more, and I really hope it doesn't. Just remember that everything happens for a reason, and maybe it was just the right time. God loves us all and it makes him sad to see you upset, but please never give up on him. Your grandmother is in such a better place now then she has ever been. Think, she's never sad and she's in pure bliss right now. Of course I don't know her, but whatever it is that she loved she is probably getting in heaven but a billion times better. Like for instance I have a huge passion for victorian homes, and when I die I think God will give me not only a pretty one but such an amazing one that man could not even make it. He knows right through my soul and exactly what would make me the happiest I could be, and that is probably what is happening to your grandmother at this very moment.
She would want you to be happy. Everyone has a time in life when they pass away, but they aren't gone. You will see her again someday. Just for now keep your head up high and live life to the fullest.
And I'm really sorry about your mother as well. Just be there for her as much as you can and remember all the things I told you. As long as she loves Jesus she will have eternal life. She will not die but have a new and better life without sin and sadness. And someday when it's our turn we will have a better life too, without anxiety and depression.
You must be going through so much right now.
I understand you are grieving and I don't blame you, it's okay to be hurt. I will pray for you.
I don't mean this to hurt you more, and I really hope it doesn't. Just remember that everything happens for a reason, and maybe it was just the right time. God loves us all and it makes him sad to see you upset, but please never give up on him. Your grandmother is in such a better place now then she has ever been. Think, she's never sad and she's in pure bliss right now. Of course I don't know her, but whatever it is that she loved she is probably getting in heaven but a billion times better. Like for instance I have a huge passion for victorian homes, and when I die I think God will give me not only a pretty one but such an amazing one that man could not even make it. He knows right through my soul and exactly what would make me the happiest I could be, and that is probably what is happening to your grandmother at this very moment.
She would want you to be happy. Everyone has a time in life when they pass away, but they aren't gone. You will see her again someday. Just for now keep your head up high and live life to the fullest.
And I'm really sorry about your mother as well. Just be there for her as much as you can and remember all the things I told you. As long as she loves Jesus she will have eternal life. She will not die but have a new and better life without sin and sadness. And someday when it's our turn we will have a better life too, without anxiety and depression.
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Guest
Karen,
I hope you are still on the list with us. I have worked with the elderly and hospic for many years. I can tell you that your stress by caring for your Grandma and in her passing is a normal process! Very hard but Normal! Family memebers feel that they have to keep the fight in there loved ones, boost their spirits, pretend that all is well. But ya know what your Grandma did the best she could, you did the best you possibly could have done as well. I know for a fact that the spirit leaves the body upon death because I have felt it!
I know that sounds way out there, but I have. I have also known many many patients who have spoken to family members or friends in their last days and hours. People who have passes many years ago. In most cases I have had to ask family who John was, or Jane. Only to find out to their amazement that the person to whom the paitent was refereing to had infact died many years ago. This is quite common Karen! What I believe happens is that as we approach death with a prolonged illness, in the later stages we float from one side of the vail of life to the other and back again. We have all heard of the people you know who meet you at the gates of heaven. Well this in my opinion is and extention of such.
Also know that your Grandma is right here with you! She is involved in your life. Pay attention to the little things and how you feel, often times you will feel her presents. She is not gone Karen.
Greif is a very complicated process. Please trust that your Grandma is there, talk to her, feel her presents, ask her to help you with your anxiety and fears. Think of her passing as a continued journey, not a sudden tragic ending.
Good Luck Karen,I know this may all seem far fetched, but it is all true. You might wish to contact a hopice group in your area, they can help you alot. I am sure they too have some stories of their own.
Judy
I hope you are still on the list with us. I have worked with the elderly and hospic for many years. I can tell you that your stress by caring for your Grandma and in her passing is a normal process! Very hard but Normal! Family memebers feel that they have to keep the fight in there loved ones, boost their spirits, pretend that all is well. But ya know what your Grandma did the best she could, you did the best you possibly could have done as well. I know for a fact that the spirit leaves the body upon death because I have felt it!
I know that sounds way out there, but I have. I have also known many many patients who have spoken to family members or friends in their last days and hours. People who have passes many years ago. In most cases I have had to ask family who John was, or Jane. Only to find out to their amazement that the person to whom the paitent was refereing to had infact died many years ago. This is quite common Karen! What I believe happens is that as we approach death with a prolonged illness, in the later stages we float from one side of the vail of life to the other and back again. We have all heard of the people you know who meet you at the gates of heaven. Well this in my opinion is and extention of such.
Also know that your Grandma is right here with you! She is involved in your life. Pay attention to the little things and how you feel, often times you will feel her presents. She is not gone Karen.
Greif is a very complicated process. Please trust that your Grandma is there, talk to her, feel her presents, ask her to help you with your anxiety and fears. Think of her passing as a continued journey, not a sudden tragic ending.
Good Luck Karen,I know this may all seem far fetched, but it is all true. You might wish to contact a hopice group in your area, they can help you alot. I am sure they too have some stories of their own.
Judy