I have never in my almost 60 yrs. of life ever SCREAMED at God like I did a while ago. My heart is still pounding. Of course I'm sorry but the thought is still "my God, my God why have you forsaken me?"
Any of you who know me from yrs. past know the lifelong problems I've had with my mother. This woman can pull my trigger more than anyone in the whole world. Anyway I don't think I'll get into the whole thing with her cuz I'd be here all day long typing. Suffice it to say, it's just the same old crap with her that it always is and this time it boils down to me supposedly taking my son's side over something stupid that she should be taking care of with him. Because my son is like me in many ways, I guess that's why he irritates her so.
Anyway as I said I don't need to keep talking about her. I need to talk about how I just SCREAMED and I mean SCREAM at God. I really let him have it and while I was screaming I grabbed a cover for a tote took it while screaming and pounded and pounded my bed with it. My poor dog was so sad. I told him I was sorry but I had to get it out so I shut the door, screamed more and pounded the bed. I kept saying over and over she's a bi*** and I hate her, I wish she was dead. I know, that's terrible, don't tell me. I've never been so angry in my life. I really know it's much more than just this incident. Again I screamed at God and said all kinds of horrible things like why would you give me such a mother, why do you allow children to be abused sexually and physically by their parents. What kind of God of love is that??? I said where are you thru all this and even said and don't tell me you're the same place you were when your son died cuz I don't want to hear it. The whole time I was screaming at God I was feeling horrible for doing it but at least I finally got it out. I asked his forgiveness but all these horrible feelings are still there.
I've been reading the book "The Secret" and ordered the movie. Well, now I feel like I'm not doing very well on putting into practice changing the picture of something bad because I was thanking God for her before. I was thanking him that he makes no mistakes and this is the mother he gave me but today I just feel He's cruel and I don't understand all this. I'm sorry for venting on you people but I really need some help. Can you see that? It should be obvious. I will check here later for advice. Please don't be hard on me for screaming at God. I already feel guilty enough. I might have wondered why God things before but never had all this pent up RAGE at Him. It's like who in the world is that woman anyway.
I SCREAMED at God
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Guest
barbgavon,
It's okay! I think we all can relate to feeling angry with God. I know I've had my share of getting upset with Him and letting Him know about it in writing, talking, and sometimes hollering. Sometimes you just need to get it out. God knows how we feel anyway, so it's not like He's going to be shocked.
I'm sorry about your family problems. I know what that's like. Talking about it helps, especially with people who've been there. Let us know if you need to talk again.
It's okay! I think we all can relate to feeling angry with God. I know I've had my share of getting upset with Him and letting Him know about it in writing, talking, and sometimes hollering. Sometimes you just need to get it out. God knows how we feel anyway, so it's not like He's going to be shocked.
I'm sorry about your family problems. I know what that's like. Talking about it helps, especially with people who've been there. Let us know if you need to talk again.
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Hi Barb,
Ihave screamed at God - not lately - but many times throughout my life - I was told that God has "big shoulders", and He can handle it. From the time we are children, we are told that God can do all things. I often wonder why I was given the parents that I had - sexually abused and mother was not help. She just looked the other way. Sexual abuse by family members is the hardest, most painful thing to heal from, because it touches you in so many ways. Lack of self esteem - etc.
Don't be so hard on yourself - God understands, as do I.
Gerri L.
Ihave screamed at God - not lately - but many times throughout my life - I was told that God has "big shoulders", and He can handle it. From the time we are children, we are told that God can do all things. I often wonder why I was given the parents that I had - sexually abused and mother was not help. She just looked the other way. Sexual abuse by family members is the hardest, most painful thing to heal from, because it touches you in so many ways. Lack of self esteem - etc.
Don't be so hard on yourself - God understands, as do I.
Gerri L.
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Barb,,really, it is okay to be angry..YOU are NOT the first one to 'scream at God"..nor will you be the last!
He understands our hurts and our frustrations! really HE DOES! DO NOT beat yourself up for this. WE are HUMAN..HE IS NOT!!!!!!!! keep reminding yourself of this FACT! Our emotions get the best of us, at times..hence, why we all are here StressCenter.com...
I'm terribly sorry that you are going through this..I went through a similar situation this morning. I didn't scream at God, but I cried and raised my voice to my dear sweet husband..thank GOD that he also, is forgiving and let me vent it out anyway..My hubby is truly a gift from GOD!! I love him soooo much:)
Give yourself a break... journal these frustrations out! write to GOD..and join in on the little online church..
In HIS love
Momof6
He understands our hurts and our frustrations! really HE DOES! DO NOT beat yourself up for this. WE are HUMAN..HE IS NOT!!!!!!!! keep reminding yourself of this FACT! Our emotions get the best of us, at times..hence, why we all are here StressCenter.com...
I'm terribly sorry that you are going through this..I went through a similar situation this morning. I didn't scream at God, but I cried and raised my voice to my dear sweet husband..thank GOD that he also, is forgiving and let me vent it out anyway..My hubby is truly a gift from GOD!! I love him soooo much:)
Give yourself a break... journal these frustrations out! write to GOD..and join in on the little online church..
In HIS love
Momof6
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Guest
barbgavon, It's ok to question why things happen. I had a book recommended to me called "When God doesn't make sense." I honestly haven't purchased it yet but it was recommended to me because I was asking alot of the whys. Honestly, sometimes we may never know the whys of bad things that have happened to us but I do know that God loves us, even when things don't make sense. And whatever kind of hurts and abuse that you have had to endure was not the will of God for you. We live in a evil and corrupt world and sometimes things touch our lives that are painful. Another book I've heard is good is one written by Joyce Meyer. I think it is called "Beauty for Ashes". She was sexually abused as a child and went through alot of emotional healing. My prayers are with you.
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I just wanted to support you in agreement with all of the other posters. I have horrible parents, a horrible sister, horrible in-law's, and my son has severe autism so I have screamed at God more than you have, I promise, and after my son's diagnosis, I was scared I had blasphemed one time, and it was very traumatic for me to think that.
I just had a birthday on Saturday, and I know you brought up Facebook in an earlier post. Well, last week, I saw how my sister was friends with my ex-boyfriend who had stalked me on myspace, and how a "good" friend of mine from high school who knew about it was friends with the ex and my sister-who used to pick arguments with me for being friends with that friend because she is a different race. She would start those arguments while I was pregnant and upset me so badly that I don't think it was good for my son, so to see her being friends with her, etc, and not getting any birthday wishes from my family of origin for a milestone birthday was hard. Also, I saw a picture of my niece who is the same age as my son, but doesn't have autism, and I haven't seen her since 2001! Confused yet?:)
Anyway, my point is that I was blaming God this weekend. I can't believe that so many people from my past and my family treat me the way they do, and they don't even have mercy for the fact that I am raising a child with severe autism. All I can tell you, is that through several devotionals and circumstances this weekend, God kept reassuring me that He is not the one making these people act this way, that He loves me, and that He's here for me in my pain. "When my mother and my father forsake me, the Lord will take me up." Psalm 27. I highly encourage you to read that Psalm which is very good for those of us who feel like orphans because of dysfunctional parents. So, that was the loving answer I got in response to being mad at God, and I know for a fact, He will give you the same answer:).
It's going to be O.K.
Take care,
luvpiggy
I just had a birthday on Saturday, and I know you brought up Facebook in an earlier post. Well, last week, I saw how my sister was friends with my ex-boyfriend who had stalked me on myspace, and how a "good" friend of mine from high school who knew about it was friends with the ex and my sister-who used to pick arguments with me for being friends with that friend because she is a different race. She would start those arguments while I was pregnant and upset me so badly that I don't think it was good for my son, so to see her being friends with her, etc, and not getting any birthday wishes from my family of origin for a milestone birthday was hard. Also, I saw a picture of my niece who is the same age as my son, but doesn't have autism, and I haven't seen her since 2001! Confused yet?:)
Anyway, my point is that I was blaming God this weekend. I can't believe that so many people from my past and my family treat me the way they do, and they don't even have mercy for the fact that I am raising a child with severe autism. All I can tell you, is that through several devotionals and circumstances this weekend, God kept reassuring me that He is not the one making these people act this way, that He loves me, and that He's here for me in my pain. "When my mother and my father forsake me, the Lord will take me up." Psalm 27. I highly encourage you to read that Psalm which is very good for those of us who feel like orphans because of dysfunctional parents. So, that was the loving answer I got in response to being mad at God, and I know for a fact, He will give you the same answer:).
It's going to be O.K.
Take care,
luvpiggy
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I want to thank all of you so much for writing. I'm sure glad to know there are other screamers. I went to get groceries and my daughter called. I wanted to talk to her earlier because I knew at one point when my niece was killed she was mad at God. She was defintely not the one to talk to and I'm really sorry I did for both of our sakes. A while back she said when I said my mom is still the little girl always wanting the attention, she commented "Mom, you are the little girl". That came back to me today and maybe it did because I was like a little girl throwing a tantrum at God. He is a BIG God like you all said and can take it because He already knows all things anyway. He brought to mind the scripture"Nothing can ever separate us from the love of God which is in Christ Jesus." Praise God so much for his amazing grace.
Mom of 6 like you I have a wonderful husband. He just called and I told him what happened. He has had his share of both of my parents. They never liked him because he was from up north and really it was because they moved to Milwaukee to get away from a lie. My Dad who I knew all my life was not my bio dad. My bio dad lived here in Waupaca. (Get this, he was the register of deeds at the time of birth of both of my children so my kids have their bio grandfathers signature on the birth certificate).I don't think my kids even realize that. Anyhow my mom was born and raised in the small town of Iola and got engaged and pregnant from my bio dad in Waupaca. Here my husband had the same address that she had growing up. We had problems all our 5 yrs. of dating w/my parents. My husband's parents were wonderful. I believe my father-in-law knew the truth. Many people did. When I confronted my bio dad, we were each going to pay for a blood test so I could know once and for all. This was back in 1995. All those yrs. my parents lied and never told me the truth. Over and over they made me at fault that I wouldn't believe them so I always thought there was something wrong w/me. When I talked to my pastor about the blood test he said, "Barb, you don't need to pay for something you already know in your heart, you just need to accept it." It did make sense so I never did have the blood test. Anyway I'm saying this more to you momof6 because you know Wisconsin and the little towns. Isn't it interesting how God works and how altho living in Milw. I also had a dream to someday live in Waupaca. I then meet my husband on a blind date of all things and end up here. God IS good.
Now my son just called and since this problem with my mom has been about him once again, I just told him all what happened. Now I have a headache from crying crocodile tears once again. He will turn my mourning into dancing.
I do want to clarify something. I was never sexually abused or even physically. It may have come across that way because of me yelling at God about that. I look back at all the screaming and see it almost as a battle between Satan and God. Satan used everything with my mom and blew it way out of proportion as he so often does. So now I can say thank God that never happened to me. I WILL thank God for my mom. God still knows what's best. Maybe it's the guilt that's making her miserable. I don't know what it is, I just know she's a very unhappy person and has been for quite a while.
Luvpiggy, I want to say a BIG thank you for writing. You have gone thru so much and yet your faith has pulled you thru. It does help to know that you too were very mad at God. It's hurtful the things my mom and I have both done to each other. I'm so sorry for all the things you went thru and continue to go thru. I was involved with StressCenter.com a couple yrs. ago. You were a friend then and a friend once again. God bless you and keep you in His loving care. Yes, I do know HIS LOVE. When I was in the grocery store he sent a very tall man who is so kind. He's done so much to help us with all the problems in this house and he always seems to be there at the right time to listen. He's like this big angel that pops up at the right time. He told me there was a time he was very angry with God. I just felt so much better hearing that and that I'm not alone.
I want to thank all of you once again. I will be joining in the online church and hope the rest of you will too.
Barb
Mom of 6 like you I have a wonderful husband. He just called and I told him what happened. He has had his share of both of my parents. They never liked him because he was from up north and really it was because they moved to Milwaukee to get away from a lie. My Dad who I knew all my life was not my bio dad. My bio dad lived here in Waupaca. (Get this, he was the register of deeds at the time of birth of both of my children so my kids have their bio grandfathers signature on the birth certificate).I don't think my kids even realize that. Anyhow my mom was born and raised in the small town of Iola and got engaged and pregnant from my bio dad in Waupaca. Here my husband had the same address that she had growing up. We had problems all our 5 yrs. of dating w/my parents. My husband's parents were wonderful. I believe my father-in-law knew the truth. Many people did. When I confronted my bio dad, we were each going to pay for a blood test so I could know once and for all. This was back in 1995. All those yrs. my parents lied and never told me the truth. Over and over they made me at fault that I wouldn't believe them so I always thought there was something wrong w/me. When I talked to my pastor about the blood test he said, "Barb, you don't need to pay for something you already know in your heart, you just need to accept it." It did make sense so I never did have the blood test. Anyway I'm saying this more to you momof6 because you know Wisconsin and the little towns. Isn't it interesting how God works and how altho living in Milw. I also had a dream to someday live in Waupaca. I then meet my husband on a blind date of all things and end up here. God IS good.
Now my son just called and since this problem with my mom has been about him once again, I just told him all what happened. Now I have a headache from crying crocodile tears once again. He will turn my mourning into dancing.
I do want to clarify something. I was never sexually abused or even physically. It may have come across that way because of me yelling at God about that. I look back at all the screaming and see it almost as a battle between Satan and God. Satan used everything with my mom and blew it way out of proportion as he so often does. So now I can say thank God that never happened to me. I WILL thank God for my mom. God still knows what's best. Maybe it's the guilt that's making her miserable. I don't know what it is, I just know she's a very unhappy person and has been for quite a while.
Luvpiggy, I want to say a BIG thank you for writing. You have gone thru so much and yet your faith has pulled you thru. It does help to know that you too were very mad at God. It's hurtful the things my mom and I have both done to each other. I'm so sorry for all the things you went thru and continue to go thru. I was involved with StressCenter.com a couple yrs. ago. You were a friend then and a friend once again. God bless you and keep you in His loving care. Yes, I do know HIS LOVE. When I was in the grocery store he sent a very tall man who is so kind. He's done so much to help us with all the problems in this house and he always seems to be there at the right time to listen. He's like this big angel that pops up at the right time. He told me there was a time he was very angry with God. I just felt so much better hearing that and that I'm not alone.
I want to thank all of you once again. I will be joining in the online church and hope the rest of you will too.
Barb
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Barb,
I don't know what all you've been through but Ive screamed and cried out to God- WHY WHY WHY- usually WHY am I still here. The good news is He loves us continually and He loves us more than we can imagine. I don't have answers for a lot of your questions, but I love the 23rd Psalm and your post just reminded me to read it more and that I (we) will make it.
I was once (one particular time) told how self centered I was for crying after a fight with my husband (an in law is not always the best place to go for comfort). She said "You think you're the only one.......who ever has it bad......" Course that's just a nutshell, but I turned on God (again) that night.
I do believe we go through these things for a reason. I want more than anything to be a peer counselor when my child starts school. If He is preparing me to help someone else through these times, it will be worth it. And I ask Him to bless you through your struggles and to lift you up.
I will say Psalm 23 for you now and hope you feel the love- Beverly
I don't know what all you've been through but Ive screamed and cried out to God- WHY WHY WHY- usually WHY am I still here. The good news is He loves us continually and He loves us more than we can imagine. I don't have answers for a lot of your questions, but I love the 23rd Psalm and your post just reminded me to read it more and that I (we) will make it.
I was once (one particular time) told how self centered I was for crying after a fight with my husband (an in law is not always the best place to go for comfort). She said "You think you're the only one.......who ever has it bad......" Course that's just a nutshell, but I turned on God (again) that night.
I do believe we go through these things for a reason. I want more than anything to be a peer counselor when my child starts school. If He is preparing me to help someone else through these times, it will be worth it. And I ask Him to bless you through your struggles and to lift you up.
I will say Psalm 23 for you now and hope you feel the love- Beverly
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Guest
Let the Bible show the answer of what God thinks:
"As a father shows mercy to his sons,
Jehovah God has shown mercy to those obeying him.
For he himself well knows the formation of us,
Remembering that we are dust." (Psalms 103:13-14)
"If errors were what you watch, O Jah,
O Jehovah, who could stand?" (Psalms 130:3)
be good!
B
"As a father shows mercy to his sons,
Jehovah God has shown mercy to those obeying him.
For he himself well knows the formation of us,
Remembering that we are dust." (Psalms 103:13-14)
"If errors were what you watch, O Jah,
O Jehovah, who could stand?" (Psalms 130:3)
be good!
B