The Challenge...Lesson 8

[Karen L]

I am on the road to recovery. There will be obstacles which I will overcome and learn from. I can not go under, over, or around a limitation, I must meet it head on. Doing this may cause me discomfort, but it will not hurt me.

Hi everyone!! wow did I miss alot....just spent the last hour catching up.....been pretty busy here with the yard work and spent the week-end cleaning out the attic storage so I could find my Christmas lights.....ended up getting rid of alot of junk...feel accomplished
a few hours ago I went for a drive alone...made it to my daughter's school parking lot!! this was huge!! although I was anxious and felt a bit disoriented, I re-assured myself that it was only anxiety then on my way home I kept re-inforcing how my what-ifs never happened....that I made it there and I was fine!! this is still a struggle for me as my negative side wants to say "well you didnt drive all the way to the front of the school".....but I am stopping that thought process and replacing it with positive, supportive, and caring words...still patting myself on the back...trying to teach myself to see things as an accomplishment not a failure

Im glad everyone seems to be doing good!!!

Mike

excellent week you have been having!! using your energy positively, being more vocal, being yourself and being comfortable, being assertive!! youare a really inspiration this week!!!

Hope

congrats so much on the interview!!! I am the queen of calling and cancelling with my excuses lol...so I know how hard this must have been for you!!! and the GYN appt is awesome!!! I get so afraid that Im going to get anxious and run out of the office naked lol...my last appt a few months ago I actually explained to the nurse my anxiety...they were awesome!! they turned up the air condioning in the room so I would be comfortable!! and I actually was able to leave the room for a few minutes then finish my exam.....they were so awesome!! so sometimes it really pays off to just be honest with people instead of being embarrassed, like I always was before.....I got off track there lol.....but I just wanted to say I am very proud of you!!!!


THH

I just knew that post by slimjim was so kind of spam....I was figuring it was some kind of porn so I didnt even bother clicking it lol.....then I saw that you clicked it and I was laughing soooo hard.....I think I was laughing because I was just imaging you sitting there expecting some kind of anxiety help and here opens up a porn site......and you just in complete horror lol.....sorry Im just in one of those moods....

I am glad to hear that you have been busy.....busy is good


on my driving tape FEAR is "false evidence appearing real".....meaning we believe the fear is real...that there is real danger.....but we need to teach ourselves that there is no real danger....they use an excellent example....we fear driving across a bridge...we need to realize it is not the bridge we are afraid, but it is the symptoms of anxiety we have gotten in the past that we are afraid of.....it has nothing to do with the bridge being any danger.....this has been a real challenge yet eye opener for me.....I tried to remind myself it is not the situation that I am afraid of, but instead a fear of the anxiety symptoms returning...ok...Im not that good at explaining stuff lol.....but it works for me


I was also getting kind of down about the guy I met....he just seemed to not be interested...and at a few times over the week-end I wanted to call my ex, just to get rid of the feelings of rejection....but I didnt call!!! I instead put everything in perspective and just told myslef "who cares, I only met this person once, and if he doesnt see all my good qualities then it's his loss" funny thing I went onto a dating site I hadnt been on in months and to my surprise there were a bunch of people that clicked on they were "interested in meeting me".....I was tickled pink...talk about a good ego boost at the perfect time!!! I actually liked a few of their profiles and have started talking with a few people

well, getting late and need to get in bed...
excellent job everyone!!!!

[NinjaFrodo]

Heres today's video;

It's my life by Bon Jovi

By the way I highly recommend you check out that 2nd vid that THH posted in that last response to me. It was a really amazing video!


Also I have heard from a couple people about missing out on responding to posts. They have been afraid that they might come off as not caring. I am also among one of these people. I do enjoy responding to the posts and I actually feel obliged to respond to everything a person says. There are times where I just don't want to respond to some of the things being said. I still care about you all and I respect what you have to say and feel. So I want to get some input on this.

The questions I wanted to ask are;
1)How do you feel if someone didn't respond to one of your posts?
2)How would you respond to that feeling
3)How do you feel if someone responded to your posts but didn't respond to everything in the post?
4)How would you react to that one?


I'm really intrested in what everybody has to say about this! I'd like to clear up any misconceptions.


Mike

[NinjaFrodo]

Karen L;

I'm sorry I'm sure most of those posts were mine . I honestly spend 2-5 hours a day just posting and finding videos and such! I hope it isn't too overwhelming for you.

I'm glad you feel accomplished, you definately deserve praise for the things you do.

You did it despite the what-ifs thats great! I know how hard it can feel to face limitations, the feelings can be so very intense and you just want to run but you stuck with it and you should be proud of yourself! You have really changed alot from some of your earliest posts. If you noticed. I also wanted to ask there was a possibility that your limitation with driving was more of a limitation with socializing or fear of what people think. The last couple of times you mentioned about driving to your daughters school and how you couldn't make it the whole way once and how you felt bad about that. Have you had that similar problem when driving to other places? Maybe places where there weren't anybody at or not many people?

Thank you so much for your response. I was honestly starting to feel that nobody was even reading the posts that I make about my days and the things I've accomplished and worked through. Thats makes me feel alot better, thank you. I am trying my hardest to inspire people especially this week so i'm happy that you said that. This week has been very important for me and I have realized many things.

Lol nice response to THH about the porn site thing I had to chuckle about that one!!!

Was that site plentyoffish by any chance? What gives you the impression that the person doesn't seem intrested?


Mike

[NinjaFrodo]

Alright so Paisleegreen was the only person to respond to Monday's assertiveness practice so i'm just going to respond to that.

You get into an arguement because your partner wants to do one thing and you wanted to do something else. You are both feeling really angry, frustrated and ignored.

Partner; Its always about what you want, you never listen to what I have to say and its always about you. You're so selfish!

Inquiry--What am I doing that is so selfish?
Him--You won't let me touch the cat's nose.
Me--You always touch the cat's nose and this isn't your cat. I want this cat's attention.

Of course, I never responded back, I just enjoyed the cat and wouldn't let him touch the cat, as I would have in the past. It's my son's cat visiting me in my room. So this was me starting to be more assertive a few weeks back.

Yes inquiry is a very good way to approach this one. You aren't quite sure how the person sees the situation and you are asking for more information. I'm not sure I completely understand the part about the cat's nose or what about him touching the cats nose that bothers you. Can I get some more info on how you feel about this?


Mike

[NinjaFrodo]

What-if the anxiety from facing the anxiety is less than that from avoiding it? What-if I feel more comfortable with anxiety and it dissipates? What-if I see my anxiety as excitement and never fear it ever again? What-if what they say is true and I realize that most of my worst thoughts never happen? what-if I regain control of my life? What-if I started to believe that there is no such thing as failure? What-if I faced my anxiety and realize that nothing can stop me from achieving my dreams?

Tuesday;

Today is a very mixed day for me. I guess you could say there were many practice opportunities. I woke up and focused on the things I am greatful for (which i haven't done in a very long time until Mcshope talked about that list of daily things to do), I did some chanting and visualized achieving my goals and visualized a brighter future for the world as well. I then got online and a friend of mine messaged me and I've had a hard time communicating with this friend since i've known him. It has felt like a battle between who was right and who was wrong and had caused me alot of frustration and anger!

So we started talking and about several things and I utilized the disarming technique many many times, I also did some inquiring as well. We were able to communicate for awhile and then I was telling him about how I was planning to overcome my fear of heights by going up the CN tower. I was thinking since this was a friend that I would get some support here. His response was that I could spend my time on something more productive. This bothered me but then I explained (I guess i defended myself) saying that I was using it more to handle anxiety itself and to become more confident with it. He then goes and tells me that I don't need an external situation to do that and I can simply choose not to feel that way. This really upset me! I was feeling good about my plan and then he just crapped all over it! I told him that I felt really happy about it until he commented on it, I also said that I felt he was telling me I was doing things the "wrong" way and that he wasn't acknowledging how I was feeling. He still didn't get what I was saying and continued to talk in a "truth" sort of manner. This really upset me alot! I have a really hard time knowing how to respond when a friend tells me to just choose to feel something else. This has got to be the most inconsiderate and ignorant thing someone can say. This is like those people who read psychologist books and when they say something offensive to someone else they tell the other person they choose to react negatively to the comment instead of taking responsibility for what they have to say. How do you respond to that? I guess that is a fine response if the person wants to end up alone.

I'm sorry but I simply cannot respond to every topic or paragraph people send me now. It doesn't really work for me and I do care what you all have to say so I will just read through and pick out things that I feel are most important to that person and comment on those. I hope this doesn't offend anybody and you are all important to me.



Mike

[Paisleegreen]

Hi Mike, Glad I'm not the only one thinking Slimjim is a bit overkill on posting his link.

Okay for the assertiveness training. DH likes to touch cat's noses. There is something about their noses that he has to touch. Probably like women love to touch fabric or children like satin or silky soft knitted nightgowns from their mothers or baby blankets.
Well, cats don't like their noses touched. Their noses are sensitive, so they are going to avoid someone doing that. Not the furry part of their nose, but the textured part. I like to touch their velvety ears and they love that.

So that is me being assertive on not allowing him to touch my son's cat who was visiting me under the covers. My son taught him as a kitten to stay under the covers w/ him, so now when ds isn't home, this cat comes to visit just me.
She stays for a bit to get attention and then leaves. So I didn't want her leaving before I had my snuggle time with her. DH has a cat that loves mainly him, so he doesn't need to pester DS's cat. I know this sounds silly, but its the little things that add up.

[THH]

Karen,
LOL... It would have shocked me, that is for sure! LOL.... Esp. as I'm not good on the computer and I sometimes do something and my stuff disapears that clicking on that link, if it were a porn site I'd probably really freak! LOL...It is funny!

Mike,
I still have some reading to do, but I read your last post and you are doing very well!
Being gratful and working through anxiety is hard and your online friend upset you.
I liked the idea you facing your fear of heights. Thats a good one.
Here comes the expectation, sense he is a friend, you thought he would support you on this adventure.
At this time, you could of realized you need to do this for you and not try to prove you needed to do it to him. At the time you realized he was not in favor with this with you, Imoght have said something like, This is what I want to do. If you want to support me this is how you can. If you don't want to no worries. ( Its not a debate, I'm going to do this)
Sometimes I have to do things alone as I just know I have to do it. Many times others don't support you but that is not a reflection on your idea. Doing things alone builds good self esteem.
I know how you feel as I had thet problem with my sister in law. All you need sometimes is some encouragement but instead you get hassled!

I think for me, I have to be firm with what I am going to do. And not pose it in a question form. The question form leads to debate. Good assertive practice! Better is knowing when you started off wrong by "beating around the bush" instead of saying I'm going to the CN Tower today do you want to join me?
Hope there is something in this that helps you.

I think we all feel the same way when it comes to posting to everyones post. Its nice everyone is going through this together as its nice to see so many good views. Everyone is very supportive and I don't think any of us will get hurt if someone does not respond to a post. Were all in it together, and post when you can to what you want works for me. I know I try to but there are times I can't either. I still support this site, and all of you who are gaining control over A&D!

Welcome Paisleegreen!!!


Mike,
I just noticed your post about the video I posted. It was very cool, huh? Sorry it made you sad, I felt that way too.( Maybe the tears are a break through?) It might help though just knowing when dealing with people in store lines, driving, in restrants ect... that the way they behave is not always about us. All we can really do is smile at them, it may make their day?!
I too have alot to learn!

I watched the videos you posted. Very good! In the first one, I could see where he was leading her. I have done the same things. I went to the Dr. years ago complaining I was tired. When he ask me what I had been doing, I caught myself, and seen where this was all going. Doing too much High expectations of self!
Empathy, was good too. I think I do okay at this one, but can do better in certian places.
Active listening was good too! Thanks for posting !!!

[NinjaFrodo]

THH;

Thank you for your response. It does sound like you understand my position. I also wanted to comment on it. You did the thought empathy when you had reflected back to me what my issue was at hand as well as when you had mentioned that I thought he would support me with my decision because he is a friend. You also responded with emotional empathy when you stated how you had this same problem with your sister-in-law as well as when you said all you need sometimes is some encouragement but instead you get hassled. You also stated how you might react to the situation, you gave advice which I appreciate. I feel like I was listened to and understood by your comments! You also did state what you think is the error to my thinking and because you did this after the empathy I was able to accept this. If you hadn't done the empathy part I would have a harder time to understand (however since we are going through the same issues and I'm aware of the things taught in the program and from other sources, I still would have been able to accept it).

I can definately see how posing something in a question form can lead to a debate. It is giving the subtle message asking the other person if it is acceptable or not to go about doing this. I'm also glad that this situation happened because it has motivated me to figure out what went wrong and that has lead me back to the book and will ultimately make me even stronger with my communication skills.

I don't understand your sentence about the beating around the bush part, can you rephrase that one.

I just noticed the rest of the message you put.

Sad isn't necessarily a bad thing though. Negativity is a thing in the world that we have to deal with and seeing another's pain can bring us more together.. I'm glad he asked you what you have been doing instead of saying oh just take this pill. I think you do very well at the empathy as well and I could learn a thing or 2 from you because this was not a skill I was brought up with and I have a very hard time relating to how another person is feeling! Your welcome for the posts. Also if you find the assertive practice thread very helpful don't hesitate to mention it to some other people. I'd like more situations to work with and its starting to feel like a fun game!

Mike

[NinjaFrodo]

Paisleegreen;

I appologize but I am having a hard time not being judgemental about your husband touching cat's noses. I have never heard of this before but I guess now that I think about it, I like to touch dogs noses and I like rubbing my nose up against a dogs or a cats.

Ok then here is what you posted

Inquiry--What am I doing that is so selfish?
Him--You won't let me touch the cat's nose.
Me--You always touch the cat's nose and this isn't your cat. I want this cat's attention.

So for the Me part you might say;

Me--I understand that you want to touch the cat's nose but the cat doesn't seem to like it.


Mike

[THH]

Mike,
Beating around the bush to me means, not asking a stright question or a unclear qustion, hoping for a result that you have fixed in your mind you are looking for. If someone does not respond the right way, I would get mad. Rather I am learning to say what I need from someone instead.
So that is where I would say to my friend, I'm going to go to this tower on Wed. to work at my fear of heights. I would like you to come as my support person if you could? If they say this is a waste of time, I would say I'll see if someone else could go with me. Just thought I would ask.
(You are much better with words than me, but I think this might clear up the phase I used.)
I need to work on all this too! lol....