I am new to Pure OCD and very scared

emmaslave · Post by **emmaslave** » Thu Jan 03, 2008 10:53 am

Recently my sister attempted suicide and then my hours at work were cut so I can't pay the bills. Suddenly the day after Christmas, I am cutting a tag off of a pair of socks and bam! I feel like I might stab my boyfriend with the scissors. This unleashed panic attack after panic attack. I just started Zoloft about 4 days ago and I have Ativan to calm me down until the Zoloft kicks in. My most recent scary obsession is that I am going to wind up doing what my sister attempted. I never previously had these thoughts but now I am convinced it will happen. Any advice?

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Thu Jan 03, 2008 11:31 am

Emma - you say "attempted", I am hoping she didn't suceed. I think, and Im no expert, but what you ay be experiencing is like Post Traumatic response. Of course you would think that would happen to you - but you are already making a conscience decision to get better - it wont happen overnight and you will have times of feeling like you wont get better. keep your support system nearby and I recommend, if you don't already, you seek therapy with a PHD (dont go to a MSW - see a PHD, they are so much more qualified) and dont get discouraged if you dont like the first one - you may need to try a few until you click with one. I imagine, next year you will look back and see how strong you have become. And the job thing - I lost 2 jobs this year and each job I got after was better than the last - dont let that get you down - look for something better because YOU deserve it!!!
Luv ya!! Leslee

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Thu Jan 03, 2008 12:43 pm

Thank you so much Leslee! My sister is still alive I am happy to say. She has been diagnosed with Borderline personality disorder so of course now I think that I am getting that and that I am suicidal like she is. When I calm down I know that I am not suicidal but when I'm in the throws of an OCD panic attack, it feels so real. I was thinking of writing myself a note for when I get like that telling me that I am not suicidal and this is just OCD and that the panic will pass. It sounds silly but I think I might do it. Take Care!

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Thu Jan 03, 2008 3:52 pm

Emma-

I feel for you I am in the same situation and new yo it also.....I am always convinced that I will hurt myself also. Knives, sharp objects, ropes, cords what ifs constantly, It scares the crap out of me and I become fearful and depressed thinkingwhat if I do it.....What if I hurt myself or others....My mom attempted suicide, didn't suceed, thank god, but I get scared too. You are not alone! Then I started this program and sometimes I get more anxious, my moods change fast so then I think am I bi-polar, what if I am paraoid or become schizophrenic, I fear mental illness as well....Maybe somehow we can help eachother...

Patricia

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Thu Jan 03, 2008 4:52 pm

well since were on the topic of irrational thoughts, i thought i might throw in my two pennies...lol Well, lately i've really been feeling better, when i get ocd, or panicy, or whatever, i've been able to calm myself thanks to what i've learned. But recently i've had this scary thought that God can constantly hear me think.....lol i know it sounds insane , i know its a completly irrational thought, and some people might see it as nothing to worry about ( just as i have never worried about hurting someone ) but i thought i would just throw it out there. Anxiety will try anything to get us to feel bad and this is just a petty attempt to do so. I'm sure some of us have had stupid irrational thoughts that may scare us, in sesseion 10 it says these thoughts are just to get our minds off other things. I'm sure this thought i'm haveing thats barely scaring me is really there because i'm worried about not haveing control...but enough obsessing ....lol feel free to call me nuts ...lol and t.y. for listening.

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Thu Jan 03, 2008 6:18 pm

Emmaslave...
I can totally relate...i have had sooo many scary thoughts...one exactly like yours only i was wrapping presents with my mother and had that same thought with scissors...it horrified me...i ran and ran and then took a xanex (given to me to take on emergency type basis) to calm me....and stayed away from my mom,,,this was before i found this program...and since ive found this program i havent had those thoughts anymore...i think its because i found something else to focus my mind on. You are not alone. Those will pass. My father attempted suicide as well and failed. I had also had scary thoughts while in the shower of just like what if i cut my self with my razor on purpose...or while driving what if i drive off the road on purpose....im not suicidal but had thoughts as if i was....but trust me...if we were crazy we wouldn't recognize those thoughts as being crazy....we wouldnt know any better...but we do. So dont worry remember to float through when you feel panic,,,,breathe,,,and go for a work out.

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Fri Jan 04, 2008 12:19 am

Thank you so much everyone, I feel so much better! This forum is the most helpful forum that I have been to!

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Tue Jan 15, 2008 11:05 pm

On this subject after leaving the military and even towards the end i started to noticed irrational things like, checking my room over and over, driving in circles. I completed my term and actually miss it, but due to my diagnosis of extreme OCD that's probably not an option anymore. One pyschiatrists told me I am probably in the 10 % of worst cases in the US, atleast I am on top, J/K about a year after the military I hated leaving my house, i would not go into stores, or drive, I did have the cleanest car in the city though. I finally got out went from job to job, felt ok when I was there but always thought throughout the day of the drive home, I would work till everyone was gone. 45 min. trips started to take 3 hours in one instances last year I left work at 6 and got home almost 24 hours later, thoughts of running my car into a pole crossed my mind but my family is to important to me, I have cut my self, don't try it, it doesn't relieve any anxiety. I order most things online now to avoid being in public, when I drive I take the same path back and forth, just have tons of irrational thoughts of hurting people, I recheck so i know they are ok, you name it I have or still do experience it. I have been on paxil, prosac, luvox, Clonazapam, clomimprimine, xanax, ambien, and some other anti pyscotic meds which I quickly got off. I hope and from the program i believe this will help, keep positive, Oh i did by a puupy 6 years ago, thought I never would because of germs but he comforts me, even checks for me, got him trained even though he kind of acts as an enabler, but he helps because if anything happens he would definetely let me know. Well enough for now. Hope and prey everyone gets better, take care. Brian

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Wed Jan 30, 2008 3:14 pm

I have been where each of you have been-I somewhat catch myself thinking that thought and have to stop myself and change it up with another thought. Yeah it use to FREAK me out-I went through the summer last year in fear. Now its January and I can say I am better. This program with the help of a personal coach and God has gotten me through this. If you have questions about what I went through PM me. Good Luck! You will get there I promise!

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Thu Jan 31, 2008 4:10 am

Has anyone ever tried to kill themselves? I have. I can't stand the tornado in my head and the feeling of being worthless and alone. My mother and grandmother has died recently, and I don't know who to trust for they have decieved me horable. I feel so alone sometimes. I can't stand pain so I would never think of physicaly hurting myself. But death makes me feel like I could finaly be at peace, or just sleep for the rest of my life. I wont do anything, I am done tring. I just think about it now. I have too many responsiblities to do that. I think I am just having a confusing day. I am having a hard time picking myself up.