This Friday I have an important test (to graduate with my degree) and it's been very stressful for the past few weeks preparing for it. There is only one other person taking the test this semester besides me, so since two of our classes were the same, we decided studying together would be beneficial. I should mention it's a guy. I have always had very strong boundaries and insisted we always met at the school library (a public place) so that there would be no wrong impressions and such. I have also always mentioned to my husband that we would be studying at the library so if he felt uncomfortable about it, he could tell me, which I would have no problem with.
The classmate gave me his phone number so I could text him once I reached the library (obviously it's a big library) and we could meet up. Well, that was a mistake. For the past two days he has been texting me non-stop, and even called me last night.
I responded to the text messages and even took the call because he had spoken to our professor to clear up some questions, and I wanted to know what our professor said. In the back of my mind I felt it was inappropriate, not because I think it's wrong to have friends of the opposite sex or anything, but it was like just some warning signal went off in my head that this was crossing the boundary and I needed to watch myself. However, my fear surrounding this test and wanting to talk to someone who seems to have a lot of knowledge about the test, well, I ignored those feelings.
After I got off the phone with him I just felt terribly guilty and talked to my husband about it. My husband said he was uncomfortable with the situation but knew that I needed to talk to this guy out of need for information. I feel horrible that I made my husband feel uncomfortable. I went against my better judgment. I shouldn't have responded to any of his text messages, or even taken a call. It's not like I ever talked to him about anything other than school, but I NEVER EVER want to give my husband a reason not to trust me, or feel uncomfortable, or feel like I am not being faithful.
My husband forgave me and this morning seems to have moved on. I am having trouble forgiving myself and letting go of it - obsessing about it. I try to tell myself, I made a mistake in judgement, and now I know better (I think a part of me is naive and thinks everyone has good intentions).
I am having a really hard time with the guilt. Logically I know I did nothing wrong, but I feel like I did something really bad. I love my husband soooo much and this guilt and doubt is tearing me up inside. I couldn't sleep last night because I kept thinking I did something terrible and my husband is going to leave me now.
I'm afraid that my husband THINKS I did something wrong, or that he doesn't trust me. He has been sooo incredibly awesome during this time when I've been studying and I just feel so terribly guilty. I KNOW this is OCD at work and yet this is really taking me for a loop.
Obsessing I did something wrong
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Nelson Project
- Posts: 15
- Joined: Tue Jul 08, 2008 10:10 am
WantMyOldSelf- I think you are really just obsessing about the situation. Coming from a man, I know that we can be insecure and worry about this type of situation, but what it really all boils down to is trust. It sounds to me that he should fully trust you, I do and I just met you through this post, you were honest with him and kept him up on what you were doing. I think that shows the strength and maturity of your relationship. You should not feel that way at all. Good Luck.
Dear Wantmyoldself,I agree, you did nothing wrong so there is no reason for guilty feelings. Soundslikek your husband has let it go so you should be able to also. But I wonder if the guil feelings are a substitute for the anxiety you feel about the upcoming test? Remember how the CD's say we panic about things that aren't really the problem but we transfer those feelings from something we don't want to deal with. Maybe if you can look at the situation in that light that you are nervous about the test and not really worried about your husband being upset, you may be able to put things in perspective. Good luck on your test and remeber how loving and supportive your husband has been.
i can totally see where your coming from. i went out to the bars with a girlfriend and some guys got too close while they were dancing with me and i felt so uncomfortable about it. and then i started to obsess about it thinking i did something wrong, and what if i kissed someone that night and forgot? and like your husband my boyfriend has been so good about my anxiety, but i still feel so guilty and cant let go! so your not alone! hang in there though, were all going to get through this together. just reading your post made me feel better.