I am terrified I have schizophrenia.
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Thank you all for your replies.
When I first read them, I was initially filled with relief knowing that I am not the only one who suffers with these fears constantly.
Of course the relief only lasted a moment before I was thinking things such as...
"Well my thoughts are different then these"
or
"If I am thinking nothing is wrong, then maybe I am going crazy..."
So of course I am back at it again, and it seems like it gets worse as the days go by.
I am honestly at the end of my rope. I spend every waking moment wondering if something I think is a delusion, or if something I say sounds weird, and God forbid I stumble over my words or say something wrong (Thought disorder).
I am driving my freinds/family crazy by asking them if they think I am schizophrenic (all of them have said NO), and I am constantly asking them questions about my behavior, such as "Can I hold a NORMAL conversation?" "Have I ever said anything completely off the wall weird?"
I spend day and Night researching schizophrenia and everytime I have a thought or symptom that even slightly relates to it I immediately panic.
Examples:
Thought Disorder
I talk A LOT, and have a habit of changing the subject often during a conversation. I don't do it randomly. It's not like I will be talking to someone about Dinner and then immediately start talking about the color of the sunset... It's more like we will be talking about Dinner (Let's say we are having hamburgers) and I will remember a funny thing that happened at lunch the other day (at McDonalds, where I was eating hamburgers) and start talking about that.
That was a bad example, but basically if something in the conversation relates to something else that I wanted to say or remembered I will bring it up.
Also I stumble over my words ALL the time. Like I was asking my manager a question about wolves today (He LOVES wolves) and I said deer for some reason. I immediately corrected myself but it freaked me out.
Delusions - UGH!! I honestly think I am full of them.
My Uncle passed away on Thursday from a heart attack. The night before I was laying in bed thinking about how I just wanted to fall asleep and never wake up.
Then yesterday I had this weird thought of "What if you thinking about wanting to die caused Uncle Bill to die"
Now heres the thing. I MADE myself have that thought, I was thinking about how the stress of losing a loved one could bring out psychosis and then thinking that I hadn't had any weird thoughts since he died, so maybe I wasn't crazy and then BAM! That thought pops into my head seconds later.
Now I know that I didn't cause my uncles death... Diabetes and a bad heart did, but now I am constantly thinking "What if I think that I caused his death"
I focus on every weird thought I have, and obsess over it until I become convinced I am delusional.
I know I need therapy or to order the program but I honestly cannot afford it (No insurance, crappy paying job), and like I said before I am at the end of my rope... I honestly feel like I am seconds from falling apart at the seams.
And although I am NOT suicidal, I am to the point where I honestly wouldn't care if I went to sleep and never woke up.
When I first read them, I was initially filled with relief knowing that I am not the only one who suffers with these fears constantly.
Of course the relief only lasted a moment before I was thinking things such as...
"Well my thoughts are different then these"
or
"If I am thinking nothing is wrong, then maybe I am going crazy..."
So of course I am back at it again, and it seems like it gets worse as the days go by.
I am honestly at the end of my rope. I spend every waking moment wondering if something I think is a delusion, or if something I say sounds weird, and God forbid I stumble over my words or say something wrong (Thought disorder).
I am driving my freinds/family crazy by asking them if they think I am schizophrenic (all of them have said NO), and I am constantly asking them questions about my behavior, such as "Can I hold a NORMAL conversation?" "Have I ever said anything completely off the wall weird?"
I spend day and Night researching schizophrenia and everytime I have a thought or symptom that even slightly relates to it I immediately panic.
Examples:
Thought Disorder
I talk A LOT, and have a habit of changing the subject often during a conversation. I don't do it randomly. It's not like I will be talking to someone about Dinner and then immediately start talking about the color of the sunset... It's more like we will be talking about Dinner (Let's say we are having hamburgers) and I will remember a funny thing that happened at lunch the other day (at McDonalds, where I was eating hamburgers) and start talking about that.
That was a bad example, but basically if something in the conversation relates to something else that I wanted to say or remembered I will bring it up.
Also I stumble over my words ALL the time. Like I was asking my manager a question about wolves today (He LOVES wolves) and I said deer for some reason. I immediately corrected myself but it freaked me out.
Delusions - UGH!! I honestly think I am full of them.
My Uncle passed away on Thursday from a heart attack. The night before I was laying in bed thinking about how I just wanted to fall asleep and never wake up.
Then yesterday I had this weird thought of "What if you thinking about wanting to die caused Uncle Bill to die"
Now heres the thing. I MADE myself have that thought, I was thinking about how the stress of losing a loved one could bring out psychosis and then thinking that I hadn't had any weird thoughts since he died, so maybe I wasn't crazy and then BAM! That thought pops into my head seconds later.
Now I know that I didn't cause my uncles death... Diabetes and a bad heart did, but now I am constantly thinking "What if I think that I caused his death"
I focus on every weird thought I have, and obsess over it until I become convinced I am delusional.
I know I need therapy or to order the program but I honestly cannot afford it (No insurance, crappy paying job), and like I said before I am at the end of my rope... I honestly feel like I am seconds from falling apart at the seams.
And although I am NOT suicidal, I am to the point where I honestly wouldn't care if I went to sleep and never woke up.
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Guest
Yeah, i know what you mean about getting relief, and then suddenly being consumed by the thoughts again. My fear is that i'm going insane. People tell me i'm not and i'm like how the hell do you know. Ha ha. i've got bad anxiety when it comes to stuff like this. I think we are driving ourselves crazy more than anything else! good luck
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Guest
Stacers,
I feel the same way. I'm obsessed with fears of hurting my family members and recently even people on the street. Sometimes I feel like life is a dream. Which makes me feel worse.
I spoke to a therapist once who is specialized in anxiety and he told me I was crazy, he wasn't worried about me and that it was just pure OCD and anxiety. He told me that people that commit these crimes lose sense of realty. Of course that creeped me out. What does that mean. When i feel like i'm in a dream and life is is passing me by is that losing sense of reality????
My thoughts are so out of control. I've actually in my mind seen myself handcuffed in the orange jumpsuit crying in front of a judge and telling him I didn't want to do it. IS that or is that not the creepiest thing ever?!!?!?!?!? Scary as hell. I keep thinking omg thats definitely going to be me. Im so scared of myself that I don't even want to look in the mirror.
When Im thinking rationally I know that I wouldn't hurt my son. That i have nothing to benefit from it. That I don't hate him. On the contrary I love him to death!!! OK not the right choice of words but you know what I mean. So why do these thoughts come up????? I definitely need to find something else to do with my time.
I feel the same way. I'm obsessed with fears of hurting my family members and recently even people on the street. Sometimes I feel like life is a dream. Which makes me feel worse.
I spoke to a therapist once who is specialized in anxiety and he told me I was crazy, he wasn't worried about me and that it was just pure OCD and anxiety. He told me that people that commit these crimes lose sense of realty. Of course that creeped me out. What does that mean. When i feel like i'm in a dream and life is is passing me by is that losing sense of reality????
My thoughts are so out of control. I've actually in my mind seen myself handcuffed in the orange jumpsuit crying in front of a judge and telling him I didn't want to do it. IS that or is that not the creepiest thing ever?!!?!?!?!? Scary as hell. I keep thinking omg thats definitely going to be me. Im so scared of myself that I don't even want to look in the mirror.
When Im thinking rationally I know that I wouldn't hurt my son. That i have nothing to benefit from it. That I don't hate him. On the contrary I love him to death!!! OK not the right choice of words but you know what I mean. So why do these thoughts come up????? I definitely need to find something else to do with my time.
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Guest