needing some help and encouragement.

aussiegirl02 · Post by **aussiegirl02** » Wed Jun 03, 2009 3:00 pm

Hi everyone, my name is Alyssa and I'm from Australia.
Basically I found this forum almost in desperation and I found I was able to relate to MANY of the stories on here and that was amazing to me as I always felt so alone.
I get really scary thoughts and it's like they just never stop. I switch from obsessing about my health (I was convinced i had aids for a good 3-4months and therefore was too scared to touch anyone etc) to worrying I'm going to go crazy and kill my family or something. It started over a year ago when it was triggered when I was watching a crime show and saw a REALLY gruesome scene that for some reason stuck with me even though i've watched heaps of that stuff.
This worry I hold within me like many people is non stop and I'm so, so afraid I'm going to act on it. No matter what I tell myself it doesn't go away.. I'm so scared, I love my family so much and it's not right to have these thoughts but I can't get rid of them. Already now I'm thinking that I'm crazy or something just for posting this...
Lately it's been getting worse though, to the point where I'm like "if this doesn't happen or if something doesn't work out then i'm going to hurt my family" or something...and I can't actually help it! Scares me soo much. Like today i didn't sleep very well so I'm not going to uni - and immediately "if you dont go to uni you're going to go crazy" etc. Which makes me freak out.
It gives me bad nausea and i don't sleep because i'm worrying so much.. just wondered if anyone had anything to say and thanks for reading.

clearsky27 · Post by **clearsky27** » Wed Jun 03, 2009 4:05 pm

That is just your OCD. They are just thoughts ...they mean nothing. People without OCD get random thoughts like that but they dont give it a second thought to them it just makes no sense, they can almost laugh at it. Someone with OCD though thinks every thought has some meaning which it doesnt. YOU WILL NEVER ACT ON IT. People who have ocd have had these type of fears for years and no one acts on them. Its just OCD. WHen you get it just say its my ocd this is my life I am in control and try to shrug it off. Dont try figuring it out it will get you know where believe me I know. I have had the same fears your not crazy nor do you sound it. Eveyone here understands. I just started the program and I already feel a little better. I think its because I always knew what I had to do and this program tells you how in small steps. It teaches you the tools.

Twisted Noodle · Post by **Twisted Noodle** » Thu Jun 04, 2009 1:53 am

Hey, There. I have suffered from these same thoughts for about six months too. It is really tough some days. I have developed anxiety around my daughter becasue I am so afraid that I am going to do something aweful and act on these thoughts. I have been going to a therapist for months and it has helped me a little. I was also put on some meds which have settled some of the fear down. They tell me to try and just laugh at them and say this is not me it is my OCD and I try that. It is very hard. I feel bad also thinking why my daughter and not something else. I used to obsess constantly about my health. I have thought I had cancer to all kinds of crazy things. Then when my daughter was born I was told that she might be a little delayed because she was not meeting her milestones as quickly as others and I swore she had cerebral palsy or leukemia or something. I was constantly researching and thinking. Now I have gone from that to that
"I am going crazy and going to hurt my daughter". I hate it. She is my life and I want it to stop too. Just keep your chin up. That is what I am doing. My husband is wonderful at making me feel better too. He understand me so well. Good luck

clearsky27 · Post by **clearsky27** » Thu Jun 04, 2009 2:49 am

I too get scarey thoughts about those I love most. I think thats what ocd does. It messess with you. If you had a thought about hurting someone you didnt love or a stranger you would be able to just say ohh whatever thats just silly. With a loved one guilt comes into play which OCD then feeds into even more. I struggle with the thouht that I am going to cheat on my fiance. Now keep in mind I have no desire to and the thought of it makes me want to throw up but it just wont go out of my head. especially if I go out and have a drink , ill think oh my god what if i do something. He can be with me and ill still think it.
Its ridiculous. I thik I get this thought because when we first started going out 4 years ago we were fighting a lot, on the verge of breaking up, he kissed someone else and we were living in different states over the summer. I hooked up with someone else(we had been going out for a year). I flipped out when I realized what I was doing and stopped it. I need to realize that our relationship is at a completely different place now and that I would never do anything because I dont want to and I love him more then anything in the world. I just cant forgive myself, this was over THREE years ago and I think about it everyday. He has forgiven me, I have forgiven him but I cant forgive myself. Its ridiculous. Now to you it may seem oh thats silly she would never becasue she doesnt want to, she saw what happened that one time and the thought upsets her so much that she would never but to me it seems real. Just like when I look at yours I think she/he shouldnt worry she/he would never do that. Everyone had their own irrational fear. Its just the fear of losing or hurting someone you care the most about. If you didnt love them so much you wouldnt even care about the thought becuase you know that you are SANE and WOULD NEVER do anything like that. PURE O IS THOUGHTS NOT ACTIONS. They mean nothing. I know easier said then done.