I've read the forums and it makes me feel a little better. But as I continue analyzing my feelings and my self I'm finding that this experience is changing for me. At first I had an extreme paranoia that my mother was going to die (it wasnt out of the blue...shed been really sick for sometime). This was in September. Then I knew that in January I'd be moving in with a guy that I'd been dating for 8 months (a little fast i know but there was no choice financially and we get along and enjoy each others company). So i started getting paranoid about people breaking into the apartment, of myself being brutally murdered. Then I had weird nightmares all the time and my sleep cycle became affected. Then the scariest thoughts started coming, that I had been the bad person all along. That I was some sort of psycho. I find myself reading profiles and comparing myself to them...and anything I can find that even slightly is like me...i panic. BTW, i match up to anxiety and depression...i mean like every single bullet point on what anxiety and depression entails...ive had. I dont really match up to sociopaths...but when i am scared and panicked i somehow think of things ive done and feel like im a bad person.
For example, my mom is in pain sometimes with her condition...and sometimes instead of feeling sorry for her i feel irritated when i hear her grunt or moan. i just started crying writing that so i know i feel bad too...but sometimes my immediate reaction is irritation. also, i feel like i should have done more to help her over the years and regret that i "didnt feel like it" or "forgot" etc. i compare myself to bad people and wonder relentlessly if thats me.
im so afraid...i cant get out of bed. i contemplate suicide and know that if it were easy to kill myself...id rather kill myself. i feel like it would be better for the loved ones around me. i rolled out of bed at 2:00pm today...because i toss and turn all night.
i remember waking up once because my boyfriend rubbed his foot against mine in his sleep and it scared me. i panicked, i knew it was his foot but all i could imagine was something scary at the end of the bed toying with my foot. i woke up another time because i was having images of scary world of warcraft like creatures...just randomly popping up in my head.
finally i woke up at 6:30 am and proceeded to get sick in the bathroom. my boyfriend has a hard time sleeping when im like this so i then went into the guest bedroom and couldnt sleep.
this is a typical night for me lately.
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what it feels like for me...is being creeped out by yourself and everything around you 24/7.
this morning...i got into the shower after my boyfriend showered and we have two seperate bathrooms. he was running the sink water in one bathroom while i was showering in the other. so my water kept changing temperatures and the water pressure kept changing. i knew it was because of my bf in the other room...but my mind ran with images of norman bates and the movie psycho and the shower scene...and i kept thinking about how i could possibly have adult seperation anxiety from my mother and thats why its hard for me to move out of the house. and i kept getting images of norman bates keeping his mothers corpse around after she died. and pondering if i was becoming sick like that.
its 24/7. even getting into the shower is frightening now. i hate being in the new apartment. im scared because you all seem to agree the images of people you would hurt are the ones you love the most. i have images like that too...but i have images of the people im around the most. and images of people i also dislike which scares me. im afraid of being in this new apartment because i know im a little resentful of having to move out with my boyfriend, and i have these images that make me sick to my stomach of hurting him....they are just flashes...they arent planned out things...and i dont enjoy them.
but im afraid to go home because my stepfather was hard on me when i was growing up. and now i feel like id snap or something and hurt him and i dont want to do that.
im supposed to move my cats into this new apartment this march and im afraid to. cats were my favorite animals my whole life and i miss my cats and i still go home and cuddle with my tomboy Roux often. but im afraid to move them in with me now...i feel like im going insane or something.
like some sort of paranoid schizophrenia.
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im supposed to go to a party today at 3:30...and the thought of even attempting to socialize is paralyzing. im supposed to drop off some mail to usps today...and thats overwhelming enough for me right now.
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anyways i was hoping for input from everyone..is this what it feels like for some of you too??
scary thoughts and how it feels for me
Hey Kami,
I have had that fear of suicide too.
But No one would be better off without you. I know this is a difficult and painful condition, and sometimes you wonder how much longer you can take. But ask yourself one thing " If you were not dealing with this disorder what would you want to do?
I think you said you really wanted to work with animals, in another post. That sounds really awesome. And you clearly just want to get better. You can get better and it takes time, but remember that you will get better.
What helps me is trying to think outwardly a little more. I try and simplify things and create each day. There are some days that I feel like just sleeping all day, but remember that the best thing you can do is feel the fear and do what you love anyway.
Be around your cats and just be. Just sit there and be in the moment. Say to yourself " I don't care about these scary thoughts, that is all they are...thoughts. I will be in this moment whether you stop or not. I am here with my kitty and that is all that matters right now."
Try not to fight the OCD, just stop feeding it.
I find when I make the least effort, I get the best results haha.
Avoiding will only make you feel worse. and remember that OBSESSING WILL NEVER INTERFERE WITH YOUR GENUINE DESIRES. Which is why all the experts say, you will never act on these thoughts no matter what.
"keep moving forward..." - walt disney
I have had that fear of suicide too.
But No one would be better off without you. I know this is a difficult and painful condition, and sometimes you wonder how much longer you can take. But ask yourself one thing " If you were not dealing with this disorder what would you want to do?
I think you said you really wanted to work with animals, in another post. That sounds really awesome. And you clearly just want to get better. You can get better and it takes time, but remember that you will get better.
What helps me is trying to think outwardly a little more. I try and simplify things and create each day. There are some days that I feel like just sleeping all day, but remember that the best thing you can do is feel the fear and do what you love anyway.
Be around your cats and just be. Just sit there and be in the moment. Say to yourself " I don't care about these scary thoughts, that is all they are...thoughts. I will be in this moment whether you stop or not. I am here with my kitty and that is all that matters right now."
Try not to fight the OCD, just stop feeding it.
I find when I make the least effort, I get the best results haha.
Avoiding will only make you feel worse. and remember that OBSESSING WILL NEVER INTERFERE WITH YOUR GENUINE DESIRES. Which is why all the experts say, you will never act on these thoughts no matter what.
"keep moving forward..." - walt disney
" I feared I was going to lose control. I feel better now. Not because I regained control. But because I realized I never lost it in the first place."