Am I going crazy?

Stacers · Post by **Stacers** » Sat Dec 12, 2009 1:40 pm

About three years ago I was cleaning out the closet and my cat was running in and out of the closet and I suddenly had this... I don't know I wouldn't say urge, but this thought of strangling him.
After that night I obsessed over it constantly, and it got to the point where I was constantly fearing I was going to hurt someone. I became so depressed that I had to take a week off of work and I basically locked myself in my room, and even went as far as to keep my cat outside so I wouldn't hurt him.
A few months later the thoughts started fading away except for a small one every now and again that I would push out of my head.

Since then I have gotten rid of the kitty (He grew to love the outside lol, and HATED being inside so I sent him to my sister in laws parents house because they live in the counry and their street isn't as busy). Anyways I got a dog who I have had for the past two years. She is my everything. I love Bailey more then I ever thought possible, but then last Sunday I was pouring some Spaghetti down the Garbage disposal and the though of shoving her paw in the Garbage Disposal came into my head.

And once again the thoughts are back. I actually have the stopper for the sink jammed in the garbage disposal side so it's not accessible, so then I thought that was out of the question and I realized I had rope in my room that I could strangle her with, so I have that hidden, then I would think that if I did try to hurt her she is super strong (lab/boxer mix) so she could bite me, so the thought of a muzzle comes to mind.

I am terrified I am going Pyshchtic. I mean I can actually picture these horrible scenarios in my imnd, and I am about 2 seconds away from putting her up for adoption. And that thought is breaking my heart, because she is a Mamas girl and she wouldn't understand why I am not around anymore.

All I've done these past few days is cry and I am so scared.

I don't want to hurt anyone, I LOVE my family and I LOVE LOVE LOVE my dog, and I would never be able to survive if I did hurt them, but the urge is there...
Is this normal for OCD? Or do I need to put Bailey up for adoption?

Also to add I had behavioral issues as a child. I was a bully and a couple times was cruel to animals. This was when I was like 6ish and 8ish.
And I know that children like that have a chance of being Psychopaths and I'm afraid I am a psychpath now.

I've been bugging my paretns constantly teh past couple days (I think I've called and asked them questions about 500 times) and tehy say I didn't throw violent temper tantrums nor did I wet the bed or play with fire but I did shoplift a couple times which is also a sign of a psychopath...

Crave · Post by **Crave** » Sat Dec 12, 2009 2:44 pm

As crazy and scary as this may all feel, a LOT of us here have had thoughts like this. Are you going through the program? It can really help to shed some light on this. Basically, the thoughts are your mind's way of distracting you from some more serious problem that you are not dealing with. So check yourself. Anything you are avoiding or not facing up to??

You are NOT crazy!! There is a big difference between you and them - you know that the thoughts are WRONG, and they don't.

Hang in there, and check out the program if you're not already.

BTW, Does anyone know if I am allowed to share little tips from the program like I did above? I don't want to get myself in trouble, but I want to help too...

John

Stacers · Post by **Stacers** » Sat Dec 12, 2009 2:53 pm

I actually didn't know there was a program. I looked up scared of hurting others OCD, on Google and I got directed here.

Charlie Brown · Post by **Charlie Brown** » Sat Dec 12, 2009 3:04 pm

Stacers,

I am sorry you are going through these scary thoughts.

You are not a psychopath in the making--your guilt says it all. You have obsessive scary thoughts, also known as Pure O/OCD. Psychopaths/anti-socialites have no remorse or guilt. You gave the cat to your sister-in-law's parents and you worry about putting your dog up for adoption because of the fear from the thoughts.

You are thinking of the classical childhood traits which mark anti-social behavior: pyromania, a TENDENCY TO and CONTINUED abuse of animals, and bedwetting. That's not you. A couple of childhood times messing up animals does not make you a sociopath.

True psychopaths do not worry about becoming one, feel guilt, or look for personal traits that support the worry.

[[hugs]]

http://bbs.stresscenter.com/ev...2105472/m/4691056423

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Tue Dec 15, 2009 5:30 pm

Dear Stacers, Please do not get rid of Bailey!!! This dog feels your love for her!!! You will not hurt her in any way!!! Charlie Brown is soooo right, so, please listen to him!!!

That dog has the best home ever, right there with you!!! These are only thoughts and nothing more, so, do not give any of them any weight at all!!!

You are not your thoughts!!! Anything can pop into someone's mind, but, that does not mean that thought is wanted or accepted!!!

Just watch as those thoughts float lazily by you like the clouds above!!! The more weight that you give to your scary thoughts, the more you will draw them to you, kinda like a magnet!!!

You are a wonderful person!!! Your posting has proved that one to me!!! You are not a phychopath, you are totally sane!!!

So, pick up your little Bailey and hold her very close to your chest and tell her how much you love her!!!

I would love to be your dog, if I was a dog!!!

I pray that God Blesses You to overcome these OCD thoughts!!! Have a wonderful night's rest!!!

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Tue Dec 15, 2009 5:51 pm

Also please click on the link that Charlie listed at the bottom of his posting!!! I am sure this will make you feel much better!!! God Bless You!!!

HelpingHands · Post by **HelpingHands** » Wed Dec 16, 2009 6:38 am

I have not reviewed lesson ten in the program for awhile, but its perfect for you Stacers, Order the free trial and check it out. It gives you some really good ways, and will just reinforce that this is exactly why you are feeling this way. Stop worrying, you are not a psychopath, you seem to have some ocd!

Stacers · Post by **Stacers** » Sun Dec 20, 2009 12:04 pm

Thanks for all of yoor answers and support. I really appreciate it, and it does help calm my nerves slightly.

Ms. T Bones = Thank you very much for your kind words about Bailey being safe. That means the world to me.

I would really like to order this program, but unfortunately I am going through a financial crisis at the moment lol, and unfortunately can not even afford the 14.95 S&H. However they do have income based CBT centers in my town so I will be going to check one of those out.

I have never been officially disgnosed with OCD, but I've read several descriptions of it, and some of it seems to suit me to a T. But then there is a lot that doesn't fit me.

I do not have a germ phobia nor do I fear I left the stove on or door unlocked etc...

It's mostly thoughts that are there constantly.
LIke the fear of hurting someone, or teh thought I am going to have a stroke or some other illness that will kill me. And I can't shut them off.

And with these scary thoughts of hurting others, I have somehow convinced myself I am a Sociopath or Psychopath and I am terrified of it.
I stupidly read the symptoms for both and have convinced myself that I fit all the criteria.
Like I KNOW I have felt guilt, in fact I feel guilt quite often, but my mind is trying to convince me that I haven't. And Then I am scared that I don't love anyone, and because of these thoughts I've found myself drawing away from people.

Then I've read actual statements from people who do have AsPD and this one guy said that he only uses his parents as he sees fit and if he no longer has any need from them he will cut them out of his lives, and I'm scared that I might be like that.
And another person said that some people with AsPD might care for their parents but could kill them if their need for their life insurance was greater then their need for them.
And I am guessing you could guess where my thinking went after that.
My mind was saying. "Well you're poor and you're parents have good life insurance policies what would happen if you suddenly decided that was more important?"

I DON'T want to have these thoughts, they are slowing killing me. I am closing down. I go over EVERY single past action now and relate it to being a psychopath. Like take for example me and my dad were JOKING around one day a few months ago about his life insurnace policy and how rich I would be when he kicked it (it was just a joke, in fact then my intrusive thoughts were pretty well controlled) but now thinking back on that I think I have to be a horrible person to say that and maybe life insurance is more important to me...

I know I'm babbling and I'm not sure if I am making any sense at all, I'm just scared and I really am falling apart at the seams here, and I just want to feel normal again. I literally hate myself right now and I just don't know waht to do.