Diagnosed with OCD and having scary thoughts - please help!

kmm1978 · Post by **kmm1978** » Sun Feb 28, 2010 12:33 pm

Hi! I have had issues with anxiety for years and finally got it under control about a year and a half ago. I've had random thoughts about hurting myself or others for years before, but I didn't worry about them. For some reason a few weeks ago I started worrying that I would hurt myself or others. I was able to stop worrying because I love myself and others and I am not a violent person, but I still worried.

Then I started to over analyze every thought I had and started to worry if I did want to hurt myself or others, if I liked these thoughts, if I was going crazy, if there is something seriously wrong with me, etc. I am driving myself nuts, hypothetically

I hate these thoughts, I want them to go away, but I am so afraid to not worry about them because then I worry that I will do something.

I've seen a therapist and she said this is OCD, i've told my amazingly patient boyfriend every little thought I've had, but I keep coming back to that maybe I need to be hospitalized so that I don;t hurt myslef or others.

I DO NOT want to hurt myself or others, I just can;t stop worrying. I have strong faith in God and I have been praying all the time, I just don;t know what to do.

These posts have helped me feel like I am not such a monster and I try to tell myself that if I hate these thoughts, and I am scared of them I would never do that, but it's hard to turn the worrying off. Any help?

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Sun Feb 28, 2010 12:53 pm

I also wanted to say that I have been putting things in front of the knives so that I don't see them, butting the rasor to shave my legs in a drawer, avoiding driving, etc. because I am so scared of these thoughts. I know they are just thoughts but they have totally made me rethink what kind of person I am.

Everyone that knows me says I would NEVER do these things because that's not me and I am a caring person, but I can't help thinking there is something wrong with me or I'll just "snap" and stab myself even though I don;t want to.

I know this is all irational, but when I start worrying nothing seems rational. I'm trying to be patient but it is hard

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Mon Mar 01, 2010 4:35 am

Hi Kmm1978, you are not alone thinking this way.
I had obsessive thought about hurting my loved ones and my pets (who I love dearly)

I was horrified about these thoughts, but like you said I kept questioning myself if i really want to hurt them or i will enjoy it and I get almost hysterical chills down my spine thinking this way. I'm so mentally exhausted.

I also sometimes think I "force" some of these thoughts as to "control" what I'm thinking because at lease I know what's coming.

My therapist says these are just thoughts and fantasies. You are not going to hurt anything and you're feeding the thoughts by reacting so emotionally.

I know all that makes sense, but when these thoughts occur it so intense and uncomfortable, it's hard to brush them off.

and you feel guilty for actually successfully brushing them off cuz then you think to yourself
"see you don't care if you do these things?"

It's vicious circle that gets bigger and bigger.

I'm also scared of nightmares. it seems like it's my true self that's why I have nightmares?
it's one thing to have intrusive thoughts when you are awake, is it different when you are sleeping?

Just take comfort in knowing we are not alone, other people have very similar problems, many had them before us and got soooo much better and many will come after us.

we just have to keep faith and stay strong and do whatever we can to make ourselves better.

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Mon Mar 01, 2010 11:05 am

Thank you so much! It helps knowing there are others out there with the same thoughts. OCD is a horrible disorder!

I, too, worry about nightmares! I am so afraid to have any bad ones and always wake up so relieved when I didn't have any. I think with us it would be normal to have nightmare about our thoughts because we are thinking about them so much!

I feel like I'm losing who I am like I don;t know who I am anymore. I think I've been worrying so much that I have convinced myself I am insane or a sick person. When I'm feeling better I get so mad that I have been doing such negative self-talk but it is so engrained now it's hard to remember that I am a good and caring person.

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Mon Mar 01, 2010 11:47 am

Although I think I'm older than you we are experiencing very similar things. I feel like I don't know who I am anymore either. pure "o" or ocd or severe anxiety or whatever you call it keeps testing my sanity/goodness.

I'm so mentally exhausted I just wanna throw up my hands and say yea so what if I thought that? we are all human and that's just the way it is.
I know I''m not gonna do anything. I guess that's what exposure therapy is all about. confronting your fears and being ok with not being 100% sure.

Basically we can't beat ourselves up.

Also I think my lack of sleep for last 6 weeks has severely affected my way of thinking obviously. I'm not sure I would even have had these thoughts (or at least the severity of it) if I was getting enough quality sleep. The most I got was several days 5 hours and usually it's 2-3 hours. it's pretty serious.

Sleep is so important and I know we're afraid of nightmares, but let's not give them any more power. what's the worst that can happen? we have nightmare, we wake up in cold sweat, but hey nobody died from a nightmare right?
but don't go to sleep with fear cuz then you're never gonna get good night's rest.

I should take my own advice.

Let's get through this. we can do it.

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Mon Mar 01, 2010 12:07 pm

I keep testing myself too! I ask "Do you want to do these things" like I need to keep making sure I don't want to do them so then I won't do them. One thing I read is that God made us in such a way that even though we think a thought does not mean we will act on it. Also, I try to aknowledge an obsessive thought and delay worrying or checking with myself. These helps to calm the intial anxiety at the thought.

I just keep praying and I know that this will get better. We need to remember that we are good people and that has not changed!

I'm sure not sleeping has not helped with this either! I don;t have sleeping problems but I can imagine that keeps you from thinking as clearly as you would normally. I don;t know if this helps, but turn the alarm clock around so you can;t see what time it was. That has helped me so I didn't panic that I wasn't falling to sleep soon enough.

God is good and promised never to leave us or forsake us and not to give us more than we can bare!

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Wed Mar 03, 2010 2:14 am

Hi kmm1978,
I just had an epiphany of some sort and it's actually making some sense to me.

Bottom line is ACTIONS are what's important, not thoughts. It doesn't matter how the thought came, whether intentional, unintentional, ocd driven, real, not real, dream. thoughts are just thoughts. does that make sense?

So when I look back, I think I've done some pretty good things in my life (hopefuly that doesn't sound like a boast--here I go thinking too much again, lol) and will continue to do so. Now is the true motive for these things because I am such a good pure hearted person?
It doesn't matter. I did a good thing because I did it.

Thoughts can stay as thoughts no matter how disturbing it is (even though we want to analyze it to death and wonder what does this all mean? etc.." because it will not come to fruition unless we ACT upon them which I know we will not. No one this concerned/tormented/ scared about their thoughts is going to go do something real bad.

Of course we want our thoughts to be good ones and positive ones and sending well wishes to everyone.AND We do and we will have more of them when we work on decreasing the negative ones. BUT WE are human. Accept we are going to have negative thoughts. BUT always remind ourselves our ACTIONS speak louder than words (well thoughts in this case

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Wed Mar 03, 2010 11:56 am

Thanks! That does make sense! I've read that OCDers place way too much importance on their thoughts. Since I've had this I've (obviously) been monitoring my other thought and I've noticed all kinds of thoughts that I don;t want to ahve that I just brush off. I guess because these are so scary that I can't let them go.

I think it also scares me that I could be a person who could do these things, since I am not like this at all. It's like I;ve convinced myself I've done something horrible, and I haven't I've just had bad thoughts.

But we can;t control all of our thoughts, I jsut wish they weren't so scary

I also wish I felt more like my old self because the "old" me knows I would never do these things but now I've checked with myself so much I worry that I could.

OCD is a viscious cycle! When I have a thought or want to worry or want to "check" with myself to make sure I wouldn;t do these things, I try to delay thinking about it. This usally helps my anxiety to calm down and I can think more clearly and rationally.

If you have any other advice, let me know!

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Mon Mar 08, 2010 5:09 am

Hi, I have not been doing so well. I thought I had a breakthrough with "action" being more important than thoughts, but my "O" is coming back with a vengeance. I keep thinking I know I won't do anything bad, but what if deep inside I really am a bad person? I know it's all in my mind and these are just thoughts, but they are so scary.

I'm trying get better only with therapy and no medication, but I'm so on edge and I only think negative thoughts about everything around me.

I think I might need meds at least for a while to take this vicious edge off and let me sleep.

I am so miserable both physically cuz I haven't slept almost at all last 6 weeks and everything is in foggy/hazy state and mentally I'm so wretched with guilt and pain.

Any kind words would be appreciated. thks.

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Mon Mar 08, 2010 11:46 am

Hey! I am so sorry to hear it's been bad for you lately. I'm sure the lack of sleep def doesn't help, but I know that is hard to control.

I've worried to that these thoughts are revealing the "true" me and even was half convincing myself I am a sick and twisted person. I had to remember I haven't done ANYTHING, I've just had thoughts I don't want to have. We don;t like these thoughts, they scare us, and we would love to never have them again. I think that shows it's not the true us, it's just OCD.

I've been trying to look at the definition of OCD, which is unwanted, intrusive, persistent thoughts. When I have a scary thought or image, I think if it meets these things. If it does that I label it as OCD and try to move on. I try to stop "checking" myself by asking if I want to do these things or like these things, I just move on.

My therapist also recommended I write down my thought or worry and then what I did to cope with it. I think that may have helped. She said it's not necessary anymore, but I might still do it because it show a pattern of how you think and react.

I understand the foggy/hazy state. You don;t feel like yourself. You feel out of it and spacey. It can be scary, but I try to remind myself that this is just anxiety and to roll with it until it passes. That seems to help it go away quicker!

Hang in there. Talk to anybody you can. My boyfriend has been so patient and supportive and I know that has helped.

It will get better!!! I'll pray for you!