They're baAAck.

brandonmississippi · Post by **brandonmississippi** » Thu Sep 02, 2010 11:40 am

So everything was going good, then it got great, and then kaboom.. First depression, then the dark thoughts. I even did a type of exposure therapy on myself, throwing an empty bottle of sprite down a flight of stairs, pretending that it was my dog. Just a minute ago I was in the bathroom. I thought "what if I took someones toothbrush and stuck it in the toilet." Almost like I was assuring myself that I would do it since everyone keeps telling me I won't do it. Does that make any sense? I don't think I ever will act on these thoughts, but sometimes I am so uncertain that I think "**** it, let's get it over with." Has anyone ever experience this. It does make me feel bad so I guess that's good, but I don't want to feel bad. I want peace. But some part of my mind wants a catastrophe, it seems. Blah....

JL20 · Post by **JL20** » Fri Sep 10, 2010 7:55 pm

brandon, i know exactly what you mean. I have had similar thoughts like "everyones telling me i'll never do something" "now I will to prove them wrong" even though i definitely dont want to prove them wrong, my obsessions involving harming others. I have also had the **** it just get it over with thoughts and others that just tell me, do it, do it, do it now while you can. All those thoughts scare me....and recently them have been minimal but now im stuck on thoughts that i might be a serial killer and i have been having less anxiety (i hope its due to the medication) and that also makes me nervous...i know it sounds ridiculous, especially if you knew me but i have had and sometimes still have those **** it thoughts you've mentioned. Also, I told my psychiatrist that when I notice I'm feeling good is a lot of times when I remember old thoughts and then it starts over again. But I also have the uncertainty bc I feel like I'm trying to convince myself to do things even though I don't want to. I guess its just another way to prove to myself that I'm not the type of person to want to harm anyone, contrary to my ocd. (ive never been a violent person by the way and have always had good and supportive friendships and parents in my life). However, mother recently passed away...3 weeks ago and I have a feeling that has to do with the reason for my ocd acting up. Sorry for the rant, just know you are not alone, I'm not a psychologist but I am someone who has had the same thoughts as you.

JL20 · Post by **JL20** » Fri Sep 10, 2010 7:59 pm

oh, i also wanted to say that I left out of my rant is that my psychiatrist said feeling good is a trigger for a lot of people with OCD. And Also, I have a question....usually ocd involved avoidance but lately I find my trying to seek out information (i guess as a source of reassurance although it usually only leads to more worry). For example, I read on another post that someone had a friend who is over his harm ocd and watched shows about bundy and dahmer so i thought...let me google them and maybe I can distinguish myself from then, so instead of avoiding im confronting but it only makes the ocd worse and for example I stopped reading halfway bc I was afraid to put anymore ideas into my head that it hasent made up already. idk if this is something you experience or not.

brandonmississippi · Post by **brandonmississippi** » Thu Sep 16, 2010 2:45 pm

You sound exactly like me. The most random thought can pop into my head and it will drive me up the wall. I can take it so deep until I don't even know what i'm thinking about anymore. The voilent thoughts are especially worrysome. Everytime I hear a murder story it screws me up. I feel bad for the victim, but then I catch myself trying to get inside the killer's head. I just feel like I am trying to prove that I am a serial killer. Very weird. I don't want to be. I want to live a good life, and be happy, which leads me to another dark obsession memory or two. "Is it better to be happy with good things in life, or evil things. People get thrills out of both. How do we know what's right and wrong? Isn't it all natural, every event that happens on this earth?" This is really screwed up thinking I know. I sit there and question my therapist constantly. I say, "but what if," and "my situation is different." "How is this going to help me?" My parents can't stand it. I question things all the time. Sometimes they have no clue what i'm even talking about. It's like I can ask the same question, but mean two different things.

Sorry if I have confused you, but we sound a lot alike. Thanks a lot for sharing that with me. Hope we get over it. Oops, I mean learn to manage it. Lol