OK, what next?

justgettingby · Post by **justgettingby** » Wed Aug 25, 2010 10:52 am

I've been having pure 0 thoughts for about 1 1/2 ago. At least the ones about hurting my loved ones! I've read and read and read some more and have discovered that this is a form of OCD. But recently I've been struggling with the thought of my sanity. Which spirals into my next set of thoughts, which are as follows:

What if I cant distinguish a real thought from a fake one? My body tenses so much when I'm actually having a thought and this one comes right behind it! Hard to explain, but that's how it feels.

What if I cant make a decision?

What if I cant answer that question?

What if I can NEVER get this feeling of "CRAZY" to go away?

It just goes ON and ON and I feel I can't shut if off. It FEELS so REAL and I start fearing my decisions.

HELP Anyone??

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Thu Aug 26, 2010 1:34 am

I would and have attacked this same exact thought with ERP. It honestly makes such a huge difference. Have you seen a ocd counselor? I would suggest it for sure. If not, you can read up on ERP.. but it is uncomfortable at first until you understand its' power and how it works to change your brain. Honestly, if you can measure it.. you can manage it. Your new thoughts you have attached value to "plain and simple" and now you have to change your response to them. ERP is how I did this specific one you are having now. I told myself over and over my worst fear as if it was going to happen or happening and the anxiety diminished each time I did it. Then "poof" gone! The thoughts have no value now. The repetition wore them out. You know what it is, just let it be/go. You will not go insane or hurt your loved ones. Normal people worry about that for a half a second; us with ocd have to try and figure out the why; how; who; whatfor; when etc... we have to let it go! Not play into it... I still have my pure O no doubt. But, I can recognize this now more than ever and have tools to attack it. That's the key

good luck

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Tue Aug 31, 2010 3:25 am

Thanks BenJam....I totally understand. It's been real hard on me this last year and I really thought this was just a phase. But it seems that my anxiety keeps twisting it's evil thoughts a different way. I'm just going to put it out there.....I fear that I will ACT on my thoughts (like they have a mind of their own), therefore this FEAR has been carved in my mind. I'll give you an example, there was a time when I felt my anxiety EVERYDAY, just that funny feeling of FEAR due to my thoughts on hurting my loved ones. Especially my 6 year old. I love her so dearly and my thoughts were about hurting her! I remember walking close to her and my anxiety would just SKY ROCKET, I felt a tremendous pull that I was going to just DO IT!! It would just break me. This alone was sooooooooooo hard to finally get over, but the fear still lingers. So every time I need to give her medicine, a little voice in the back of my mind says GIVE IT TO HER ALL/DON'T! Then I tense up and it brings me down!

Then I start ruminating, well..how do you know which thoughts are real? How about fighting your fears, which ones do you fight? It fills my head all day and I feel exhausted. Or when I'm feeling a little down, my mind starts...oh know, I'm depressed!! How can I shake this off? OMG! I'm never gonna feel better!

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Thu Sep 02, 2010 1:36 am

Yes, I know exactly what you are going through. I also have a 6 year old daughter and a 10 year old son. Most of my thoughts are around my daughter. I have no idea why, but it does hurt. These thoughts came out of nowhere! I honestly did not see a way out... I too have the thoughts when I give her medicine or when I see my medicine cabinet and what's in it, but they are just thoughts and they only become more by feeding them. Why, what if, how, etc. You will feel better I promise. I started to feel better one day at a time, one thought at a time. It does get easier. I have my days trust me, but I am going to manage this pure O and I am going to be a stronger person because of it. My sister got through this same thing when her daughter was 5. She called me nonstop for 6 months (we live in different states). At the time, I had no idea what she was going through but I supported her. Now, 8 years later... it hit me and I had no idea of her pain. She still gets the thoughts, but shakes them off, ignores them, calls it what it is and passing on. She even makes the thoughts into "funnies". I am getting there myself. POWER over this is education and awareness. You will feel better, face the fears, write them in a journal.. the more anxiety you feel about it is actually good and if you can habituate it through ERP, it is AMAZING how quickly the thought goes away. ERP is not fun, but SO powerful in attacking the worst fears you have. Hope this helps

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Thu Sep 02, 2010 1:43 am

one more thing, about which thoughts are real or not.. I don't analyze them! If I do, that is when I ruminate. Remember, this is a doubting disease so trying to figure it out will always create more anxiety. You know what it is - pure O. I too would have the high anxiety "just do it" thoughts... that is normal. You won't do it! Exercise for me too helped tremendously... it got rid of the strong stomach anxiety. The reason this feels your head all day is because you have attached so much fear and importance to these thoughts. This will pass! Have you read any books on OCD / pure O? I just watched the VH1 special on it.. there were like 10 episodes and it really helped me too. Hang in there! My latest 'big thing' was depression and the what ifs were a nightmare.. that was finally passed a bit.. but the crazy thing is.. I could go right back there if I wanted to by letting my thoughts just go and go and go. I chose not to and that is a big step. Again, it's not "making it go away" it's managing it! You CAN and WILL do it.

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Mon Sep 06, 2010 3:52 am

Thank You soooooooooooo much BenJam!!! You made me tear up when I read your post!! You are so right about those thoughts and feelings. It takes some practicing but it's gotten better. When I posted this last time, it was a BAD day for me. Unfortunately, our city has no OCD therapist or counselor specialist, and believe it or not---- NO bookstore!! I've purchased Lucinda's book (online) from Panic to Power and an Anxiety Workbook. It's helped me quit a bit, but I feel I need more! I can go about my day pretty good and I sleep well (thank god)but I feel this issue has left me tarnished for life! I thank you for responding, because it's people like you (who has experienced it) that can shed some light for people who are still struggling with this issue. I've also read a lot of inspirational books, it pretty much says the same thing....replace your thoughts and you will feel better, I'm trying!!! But right behind those thoughts are the memories of the BAD ones!! I WILL NEVER GIVE UP!! I have three girls and they need me!! Thanks Again!!

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Mon Sep 06, 2010 7:08 am

Oh Nuts! I was just working on a decent response when I hit the wrong button and lost all my copy. When here I go again.

The following is from Personal Notes I made to myself 2-11-09.

I'm sitting at Jack In The Crack awaiting Max Cannon the creator of a synidicated comic strip called RED MEAT, to show up. But he doesn't. And my negative side goes: See You're just not worth his time. And so the reason I wanted this meeting was to see if he'd be willing to take up the chore of inking in my comic character:
MADAME X INCORPORATED. However since I've been practing with new sized Sharpie black and Brush pens I'm finding that maybe I don't really don't need him to do what I'm finding out I can do myself.

So I think I'm going to continue to ink in her adventures because it makes my happy. And this is a feeling that no drug can top. I've been looking into trying to ink differently since a good friend and colleage suggested that I needed to start experimenting with my line varations. Also too, I needed to do more spotting blacks in my final pieces. And guess what he was right. And now my art looks better and more professional because I was willing to listen to some criticism and then try something new. Another new factor added to MX Inc. is I've taken on an Editor in the name of Rich K. and he's allowed me to see that by slowing down the pace of the action in the comic we could wind up with a better product and since then I've been doing just that and the books, we're on #3 is coming out like gangbusters.

None of this could have occurred before I got through the the program course because I was still stuck in my thinking that I had to be the Lone Ranger to get things done MY WAY! Now I'm not trying to Feed this Hole inside my gut screaming at me to "FEED ME SYMORE, FEED ME!" Anymore!!!
My game plan has totally changed because I've changed! For the better I might say. I'm also in a Business Planning class thats allowing me, not some other business person who saids they can write a terrific Business Plan for 1K. And just give me something that reads like sterio instructions. Nope. I'm writting it so I can understand what I'm doing and why. Before the program I'd be hiding under the covers waiting for someone else to do it. So you see theirs no one who can do what I do or get the job done any wheres near as I can do it. So I'll keep moving in the direction I feel the Good Lord is leading me.
Thanx.