Mean nasty thoughts.

brandonmississippi · Post by **brandonmississippi** » Tue Jun 22, 2010 4:01 pm

Ok, so i've been struggling with the violent intruding thoughts for about a year now. Seems they're manifesting in new ways, though. I find myself thinking things in my head. Example: Some old man asks me a question. I'll think in my head "shut up you old son of a ****":O. Or when a friend or family member says something to me, I'll be like shut the **** up in my head. Or anything else harmful or offensive. Like I was standing in a store today and I was the only white person. I thought of just saying out loud that I hate black people. I'm not even racist. And I would never say these things. My mind is telling me otherwise it seems. Some of these thoughts evolve from anger, I guess, but some just from pure meanness. I even thought of setting some place on fire today just because I saw a lighter in there. I've thought about taking a paint roller and sneaking in my workplace and painting big pink streaks on everything from the ceiling, to the floors and tables, to the computers and whatever else. Or just taking a hammer and breaking mirrors and windows. I don't know why this crap is in my head, but it's really making me think that I am very sick mentally. Can anyone relate??

BenJam · Post by **BenJam** » Thu Jun 24, 2010 1:12 am

Yes, it's all common for OCD. Have you seen a specialist in OCD? I would highly recommend it. They will be able to educate you on what is happening so you can begin to manage it. If you don't have the resources for treatment, grab some books on OCD> they are excellent sources and will help you!!! Don't try to FIGURE it out.. doesn't work, it just makes it worse. There's no figuring it out. Let it go

brandonmississippi · Post by **brandonmississippi** » Mon Jun 28, 2010 10:55 am

Thanks for the response. I haven't technically been diagnosed with ocd. I just know that i'm always doing stupid stuff like counting how many drinks I take, and making sure it's a number like 3, 5, or 7. And walking on certain cracks with a certain foot, then having to even it out with the other foot. I have tons of these rituals, but I had no clue that ocd can trigger these violent thought, too, until I got on here. I'm just scared that it's not ocd, and that my mind is really screwed up. I'm tired of thinking about hurting ppl. It ruins the day, but I feel like, sometimes, deep down I must really want to do it because I cannot quit thinking about it. I have anger issues, and depression, and am a recovering addict. Things had been wonderful for my first year of sobriety, and one day it all changed. I was playing with my dog, and I started getting kind of rough with her, and the thought/urge to go violent on her hit me. It scared me, confused me, and made me question myself. I really don't like this. I may have to go to an ocd specialist. I'm already going to a psychologist. I'm just baffled.

brandonmississippi · Post by **brandonmississippi** » Mon Jun 28, 2010 11:16 am

Also, I can't quit obsessing on wether or not I want to do these things. Everyone says that I don't because they scare me, but it's like how do they know? It's very scary, and I am sick of this junk, but I fear that I will act on these thoughts. I don't want to. Why would I want to hurt my litte dog. The evil just keeps coming and coming. AHHHHHHHHHHHH

!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Sat Jul 03, 2010 3:11 am

Brandon, worrying about whether or not you really want to do these things is why they keep coming back into your head. When you have these thoughts, and they panic and worry about them, your brain labels this thought as highly important because of your reaction to it. From this point on, a vicious cycle in your head begins and will keep happening until you can break that connection. Know one thing though, these thoughts you are having are not the real you. The reason you get so scared when you have them is because you do NOT want these thoughts to happen. If you really wanted them to happen, they would not make you anxious. Trying to stop these thoughts is near impossible. Accept these thoughts, but know that they are NOT the real you and that you do NOT want them to happen. If you wanted them to happen, like I said, they wouldn't be causing you so much distress. Understanding this is the key to overcoming this Brandon, trust me. Once you accept these thoughts, you will stop reacting so much to them when you have them, and eventually, they will be of no importance to them. We cannot control having the thoughts Brandon, but we can control our reaction to these thoughts, and knowledge is power, and you know these are not your real thoughts, so you have nothing to be ashamed of. When they happen, just say "yup, that's exactly what I want to do". I have had these terrible thoughts for some years now, but finally have been able to start getting over them by understanding that they don't mean anything and that I don't have to react to them.

EddyJ · Post by **EddyJ** » Sat Jul 03, 2010 11:07 am

Hey Brandon,

Youre not crazy. Everyone has those thoughts. But people with OCD just get stuck or dwell on why they are having the thoughts. Most people just shrug it off or laugh it off.

We all obsess about different things and its a lesson in the unimportance of thoughts.

@ great books I really recommend after reading about some of your personal obsessions

Imp of the Mind - Lee Baer

Overcoming Obsessive Thoughts - Christine Purdon and David A. Clark

These books teach you about thoughts, so you understand how they work, that they mean nothing, and how to change the emotional response from " omg why did i think that!?" to " thats just ocd/anxiety thoughts and its ok to have them. Im not afraid"