Sure could use some encouraging words.

bna · Post by **bna** » Thu Dec 31, 2009 11:55 am

I have been experiencing some obess. thinking patterns for the last 2 days. My stress level is high. I met with a GYN oncologist on Tues for some testing which has been abnormal. I keep telling myself I was distracting myself with obess thinking as a way of not having to deal with it.

Yesterday, while home with my kids, I smelled gas coming from the basement. I got us all out of the house and called the gas company. They sent someone immediately and it turns out one of the pipes in the furnace was leaking gas due to poor connections.

Needless to say I was feeling very stressed over that. The gas tech said it was ok to let the kids and myself back into the house. He asked me to come down stairs so he could show me where the gas was leaking from.

The area of the basement where the furnace is a very tight fit. He requested that I come over so that he could show me where the gas was leaking. That required having to go in ahead of him into this narrow space where I could not move if he was blocking the path. He must of sensed that I was beginning to get panicky because he told me it was ok, he just wanted to show me where the leak was. He said that he wasn't going to hurt me just showing me where the gas was leaking from 3 spots.

I went over saw where the gas was leaking, he then stepped back and let me pass. Everything was fine.

I went upstairs as I was beginning to make my kids lunch. I could feel the panicky feelings rising so I was practicing my calm relaxing breathing.

I went over to the kitchen drawer to take out a couple of butter knives when the gas tech came upstairs. As I was taking the knives out, I had the initial thought, if he comes near me to harm me, I will have the butter knives to protect me. I remeber telling myself its ok. I'm taking knives out for lunch. I was holding the knives with one hand on the handle and the others covering the sharper end because I was worried that I had already looking "nutty" from my time in the basement.

The gas tech was older gentleman, as he was leaving he had to walk towards me to get to the front door. He told me everything was ok,he had fixed everything, he winked and wished me happy New year.

So here I am today obessessing over everything that has transpired yesterday. What if the house had blown up. I was beating myself up over the fact we had let the kids sleep in the basement the night before, What if the gas tech, had attacked me in the basement? What if I had stabbed him with the butter knives I was holding in my hands as he was leaving? What was I thinking going into that tight space when I had no way to get out if he attacked me?

I shared all this with my husband and he told me I did a really good job handling the whole gas leak yesterday. He knows I have difficlut time with strangers coming into my house to do any kind of work. Usually when I know someone is coming in advance to do any work in the house I feel like I have time to prepare. This was totally unexpected. I did make the mistake of telling him about the initial thought about having the knives to protect myself as I was taking them out of the drawer. He said that was a "little cooky".

So here is where I need a little help putting the obess thinking into perspective. Both the gyn oncologist appointment and the gas leak situation were very stressful. I handled both as best I could. But part of me feels like I did not handle them well enough.

Am I obess over not having handled them "perfectly"? Is it because I think I looked like a "nut" during both situations because my anxiety was so high and I was panicking and feeling out of control? Is it because I am worried about what this gas tech must have thought of me? Am I obess over both situations because I am awaiting pathology reports that will not be available for a month? I feel like I failed and I put myself in harms way.

To be proactive I plan on restarting the program tomorrow 1/1/01 because I am definitely in a "growth spurt". If any one has any words of encouragement for me. I could really use them. The scary negative thoughts I am having are bringing me down.

I always love New Years because I feel like the slate gets to wiped clean and we get to start all over again. I want to stop the obess junky thinking from this episode and move into the New year ready to take on the next decade.

So to all who have read this very lengthy venting session, thank you very much. I am already beginning to feel better just from having vented .

Also to all on these forums I wish you all peace, joy, health and happiness for 2010. Take care and God Bless.

SoWhatif · Post by **SoWhatif** » Thu Dec 31, 2009 3:49 pm

Bna Thank You. I am sorry ffor your distress. yOU DID THE BEST YOU COULD. mOVING INTO TIGHT SPACES CAN BE NERVIOUS ANYWAY AND THEN ADD A STRANGER. I am sorry about the caps I am not yelling just cant see and type very well.

The was very alert of you to pick up on the gas smell. All turned out well. Again you did the best you could.

I think everyday presents us with something different or instances we are unprepaired for such as surprise "gas leak, water pipe go boom, hit your head on a corner. We do the best we can. Is it allways the best way maybe not allthough we gain exsperiance and courage.
A internet gimme 5 coming at ya.
Ever heard the saying from a little insecure and afraid Train.

I think I can, I think I can, I KNOW i CAN.

Your tougher than your giving yourself credit for. Tell the ole man he owes ya dinner as in he makes it. hehe

Allways look forward and use yesterday as exsperiance for the next Adrenaline Rush of unexspected excitement.

Read up on current evacuation and first aid type reading and reassure yourself your not alone.

Us your wings so to speak and fly.

Tic Tac · Post by **Tic Tac** » Thu Dec 31, 2009 5:13 pm

I probably would have felt the same thing. I may have laughed it off and said that I feel uncomfortable in tight spaces and that I'd follow him. I know it is not funny now, but one day I know you'll come back to read this and chuckle. It is just crazy the things we do under stress and anxiety. I don't think you were over the top, or maybe I am, because I'd think exactly the same thing.

karmaberry1 · Post by **karmaberry1** » Thu Dec 31, 2009 5:54 pm

well honey - so what if you looked like a nut! and in all probability, you didn't! we just think we look nuts when to everyone else we appear as right as rain LOL and yes, i know that's somewhat cold comfort.

waiting for test results is incredibly stressful. you don't have to beat yourself up for not feeling on top of the world right now. do what you can to feel as well as you can. don't expect perfection - just give it your best shot!!!!

write write write and then write more. it's so true the more you vent - let things out - the less power they have over you!

trust me on this please? a dime to a dollar the man from the gas company forgot about you as soon as he got in his vehicle. everybody is so busy, so concerned with themselves they don't care enough to remember.

oh and before i forget - HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!!

bna · Post by **bna** » Sat Jan 02, 2010 8:08 am

Hello everyone and thank you all for your kind words. I have been feeling so much better. I think just putting my thoughts/fears on paper is so therapeutic.

it does help to have a sense of humor. Maybe that's something I;ll work on for the New Year.

Thanks again. Take care and God bless