Please help …..I feel like I am losing my mind. I can’t seem to shake the “what if” I’m not in love my husband anymore. These thoughts keep coming into my mind and so I’m terrified they are true. My husband was deployed in 2008 and will be leaving again in about 9 months for Afghanistan. I seemed to have changed since his 2009 return. Our kids are grown so I had a lot of time on my hands. During his deployment I kept the phone with me constantly even in the shower and I made sure he could reach me whenever he could. I need to add that he was on a mission that was not very dangerous but serious. He too had free time on his hands so I felt a little like he could put a little more effort in our relationship than if he was in a heavy fight zone. I don’t feel like I am a needy spouse. I am very independent and we have spent a lot of time apart but something happened this time and I can’t seem to get over it. My main issue is I always feel like I am waiting. Waiting for him to come home, waiting for him to get off the phone, waiting, waiting, waiting for him to leave again. So here is where my thoughts get me into trouble. What if I’m not “in love” with him. How could I even think this…What if I’m just playing the good wife? Why should I spend all this time worrying…I’ve another year to wait and worry coming up soon and he will be in Afghanistan for God’s sake. How do I get over this?? He says I am his everything but he very rarely is romantic. I want to be happy but it just isn’t happening. He told me last night that he thought I was resentful and not happy. He was teary eyed when he said it. I hadn’t realized it was showing……
What is wrong with me??? How can I be this selfish??? I hope this made sense….I’m in a panic!!!
Any help would be so appreciated.
Anxiety and being a military wife. Help!
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AlaskanAmber
- Posts: 21
- Joined: Wed Mar 18, 2009 10:11 pm
Good Morning too-nice,
Well God is good, let me start w/that, I haven't been on stress center in weeks, and this morning I felt compelled to get on, and there you were.
I too am a military wife, my husbands been in 17yrs, and we've been together 15 of those years. I know what your talking about.
The "why am I here, waiting for him," trying to live your life while staying in touch with him while your lives seem to move forward in different locations. It's hard, It's hard to stay intimate and be seperated. I too have even been around other people ( male co workers) and when my husband returned home, not feeling instant loving feelings, almost ackward like a familiar stranger.
Know This is normal.
Not uncommon, actually VERY common for our chosen lifestyle.
Yes your husbands correct, you do feel a bit resentful. Thats normal, we wives do get the short end of the stick at times, and yet it's no picnic for your husband, i'm sure he'd give his right arm to never have to leave you alone again.
So lets get to the source of the issue. Our heads. More specifically our thoughts.
My husband and I found ourselves fighting about his deploying, me being home alone, and should he get out? Just to make me happy, which I knew in the long run he'd regret, we weren't functioning well as a couple. We sought help from our pastor who happened to be a counselor as well.
He gave us statements that saved our marriage.
First Love doesn't follow commitment, Commitment follows Love.
meaning, we don't always feel in love, love is an emotion, like anger or sadness, it will come and go. The bible says the heart is deceitful, however if we stay committed, love will eventually come back around. And i'm the proof in the pudding, you have days, weeks, months you wonder if you really do love that person. But if you stay committed, the love comes back it truly does.
Let me ask you this, how would you feel if you saw another woman take your husband in her arms and love on him?
Makes my stomach knot personally.
This was my visual when I felt like I may not 'love' my husband, Even though i may not have felt in love, I knew I did love him very much, and I didnt want to be away from him.
The other thing too nice is there really is a emotional mechanism we all have when someone we love is leaving us. There is a medical name for emotionally preparing to seperate from someone and it's completely unconscience, we pick fights over nothing, we're irritable, we cry, it's alot like pms. We're preparing to be independant and be alone. Then when they come home, you may feel distant and there's a readjusting period.
Our counselor told us that when we're apart, we needed to find a way to keep the other person "in the loop" of our lives". I didn't know my husbands daily schedule, I didn't know who his co workers are. And I felt left out of his life and it was an invisible wedge.
So we started emailing and or jouneling everyday. I'd journal my mundane day, even a few sentaces, and your husband can do the same, and you send it to each other, and read it. You can see when they think about you, what they did, and use email/ letters/ journaling as a tool to keep each other informed.
We also started a weekly date nite, sometimes we went out, sometimes we just planned to cook dinner together, or rent a movies, or play cards or just go for a drive.
I may not be you, but I do understand your position, and finding a hobby, getting out with friends, volunteering to help others, a book club, womens bible study ( my favorite) but you need a support group of family or friends to help you through, and maybe a marriage counseling session so your husband can learn to communicate better with you. Because men are actually simple creatures. They think when we say yes, is yes and no means no. My husband early on in our marriage asked if he could go out with his friends all nite, I said 'yes in a tone of voice that really said, "I want to say no, and have you home with me" but do whatever you want. He left and went out with friends.
I was furious! He got home and didn't understand why I was mad, "i had said yes" . I told him I'd didn't want to be the witch that kept him home. That's when he looked at me kinda funny and said, " Honey I asked you b/c I really wanted to know what you thought, to me, yes means yes and no means no. If you don't want me to go just say so." And surprising this very simple technique of just say what your really thinking helps us.
Now I say things like " I really need you to tell me how you feel about me from time to time. I know you love me, but can you tell me? Or write it down?" and He does. It's not always perfect but it helps.
As for your thoughts the "what ifs" our lovely obsessive thoughts that put us on a thought train as i like to call it, and sends us in a negative downward spiral. Always leads to worry, fear and tears. First they're just thoughts, we need to learn to take our thoughts captive, it's almost like we're standing in front of a factory conveyor belt, and as we live our life our thoughts go flying by, and we have alot of thoughts about alot of things, but sometimes we get a scary/troublesome thought and we just pull the stop cord, and brake, and pop popcorn and pull up a chair and stare at that thought for hours/days/weeks etc and we persiverate (sp?) on that thought to the point we're wondering whats true anymore.
When I find myself there, and Ive worried about all things like what if I hurt myself, what if I hurt my children, what if I have a terrible disease? or a stroke, or what if I love someone else, am I supposed to be married to my husband?
When I start to feel like I"m getting sucked in, I take a minute, tell myself everyone has thoughts like these, but some of us dwell on them while other people let they fly by on the conveyor belt. The truth is too nice you do love your husband, or this wouldn't bother you, phillipians 4:6 says " finally brothers whatever is true, whatever is righteous, whatever is beautiful, honorable, excellant or praiseworthy, THINK on these things"
Our thoughts have the power to depress us or lift us up. Replace the negative " what if I dont love my husband thought, with what is true, what is the reality?
Truth: I am going to miss my husband terribly and I don't like not being able to talk to him everyday.
Truth: my husband doesn't want to be away from me, but he's doing his job to provide a house and money for me and the kids.
Truth: we all need a little help getting back to reality.
Too nice, I'm going to pray for you, that you and your husband find what works for you, whether it be a datenite, marriage counseling to find tools to make the deployment easier, or what ever you need. Keep me informed, I really know theres hope and peace on the other side.
Also just some good books " Battlefeild of the mind"
and " panic to power" , those are the titles. They are excellant resources for when we struggle w/our thoughts. Also our thoughts shape our reality, which is why your husband see your attituded change, Let him in, he can be your biggest supporter. tell him you need extra love and encourage ment and you aren't upset at him, but at the situation that's taking him away and you don't know what to do with your thoughts right now. He'll love you through all of it.
I've been so scared to say somthings out loud to my husband for fear that he'd say i was crazy and that'd he'd leave. But he didn't, he would tell me still loved me, and when it came out, it's was like a pressure release. Your emotions are just on a rollercoaster ride right now with your husbands deployment, just share that with him. He'll understand.
God bless you, I know this was wordy, but you will be alright, and so will your marriage, just reach out to the tools that are there to help you through. Much peace and prayers, keep me updated. Amber
Well God is good, let me start w/that, I haven't been on stress center in weeks, and this morning I felt compelled to get on, and there you were.
I too am a military wife, my husbands been in 17yrs, and we've been together 15 of those years. I know what your talking about.
The "why am I here, waiting for him," trying to live your life while staying in touch with him while your lives seem to move forward in different locations. It's hard, It's hard to stay intimate and be seperated. I too have even been around other people ( male co workers) and when my husband returned home, not feeling instant loving feelings, almost ackward like a familiar stranger.
Know This is normal.
Not uncommon, actually VERY common for our chosen lifestyle.
Yes your husbands correct, you do feel a bit resentful. Thats normal, we wives do get the short end of the stick at times, and yet it's no picnic for your husband, i'm sure he'd give his right arm to never have to leave you alone again.
So lets get to the source of the issue. Our heads. More specifically our thoughts.
My husband and I found ourselves fighting about his deploying, me being home alone, and should he get out? Just to make me happy, which I knew in the long run he'd regret, we weren't functioning well as a couple. We sought help from our pastor who happened to be a counselor as well.
He gave us statements that saved our marriage.
First Love doesn't follow commitment, Commitment follows Love.
meaning, we don't always feel in love, love is an emotion, like anger or sadness, it will come and go. The bible says the heart is deceitful, however if we stay committed, love will eventually come back around. And i'm the proof in the pudding, you have days, weeks, months you wonder if you really do love that person. But if you stay committed, the love comes back it truly does.
Let me ask you this, how would you feel if you saw another woman take your husband in her arms and love on him?
Makes my stomach knot personally.
This was my visual when I felt like I may not 'love' my husband, Even though i may not have felt in love, I knew I did love him very much, and I didnt want to be away from him.
The other thing too nice is there really is a emotional mechanism we all have when someone we love is leaving us. There is a medical name for emotionally preparing to seperate from someone and it's completely unconscience, we pick fights over nothing, we're irritable, we cry, it's alot like pms. We're preparing to be independant and be alone. Then when they come home, you may feel distant and there's a readjusting period.
Our counselor told us that when we're apart, we needed to find a way to keep the other person "in the loop" of our lives". I didn't know my husbands daily schedule, I didn't know who his co workers are. And I felt left out of his life and it was an invisible wedge.
So we started emailing and or jouneling everyday. I'd journal my mundane day, even a few sentaces, and your husband can do the same, and you send it to each other, and read it. You can see when they think about you, what they did, and use email/ letters/ journaling as a tool to keep each other informed.
We also started a weekly date nite, sometimes we went out, sometimes we just planned to cook dinner together, or rent a movies, or play cards or just go for a drive.
I may not be you, but I do understand your position, and finding a hobby, getting out with friends, volunteering to help others, a book club, womens bible study ( my favorite) but you need a support group of family or friends to help you through, and maybe a marriage counseling session so your husband can learn to communicate better with you. Because men are actually simple creatures. They think when we say yes, is yes and no means no. My husband early on in our marriage asked if he could go out with his friends all nite, I said 'yes in a tone of voice that really said, "I want to say no, and have you home with me" but do whatever you want. He left and went out with friends.
I was furious! He got home and didn't understand why I was mad, "i had said yes" . I told him I'd didn't want to be the witch that kept him home. That's when he looked at me kinda funny and said, " Honey I asked you b/c I really wanted to know what you thought, to me, yes means yes and no means no. If you don't want me to go just say so." And surprising this very simple technique of just say what your really thinking helps us.
Now I say things like " I really need you to tell me how you feel about me from time to time. I know you love me, but can you tell me? Or write it down?" and He does. It's not always perfect but it helps.
As for your thoughts the "what ifs" our lovely obsessive thoughts that put us on a thought train as i like to call it, and sends us in a negative downward spiral. Always leads to worry, fear and tears. First they're just thoughts, we need to learn to take our thoughts captive, it's almost like we're standing in front of a factory conveyor belt, and as we live our life our thoughts go flying by, and we have alot of thoughts about alot of things, but sometimes we get a scary/troublesome thought and we just pull the stop cord, and brake, and pop popcorn and pull up a chair and stare at that thought for hours/days/weeks etc and we persiverate (sp?) on that thought to the point we're wondering whats true anymore.
When I find myself there, and Ive worried about all things like what if I hurt myself, what if I hurt my children, what if I have a terrible disease? or a stroke, or what if I love someone else, am I supposed to be married to my husband?
When I start to feel like I"m getting sucked in, I take a minute, tell myself everyone has thoughts like these, but some of us dwell on them while other people let they fly by on the conveyor belt. The truth is too nice you do love your husband, or this wouldn't bother you, phillipians 4:6 says " finally brothers whatever is true, whatever is righteous, whatever is beautiful, honorable, excellant or praiseworthy, THINK on these things"
Our thoughts have the power to depress us or lift us up. Replace the negative " what if I dont love my husband thought, with what is true, what is the reality?
Truth: I am going to miss my husband terribly and I don't like not being able to talk to him everyday.
Truth: my husband doesn't want to be away from me, but he's doing his job to provide a house and money for me and the kids.
Truth: we all need a little help getting back to reality.
Too nice, I'm going to pray for you, that you and your husband find what works for you, whether it be a datenite, marriage counseling to find tools to make the deployment easier, or what ever you need. Keep me informed, I really know theres hope and peace on the other side.
Also just some good books " Battlefeild of the mind"
and " panic to power" , those are the titles. They are excellant resources for when we struggle w/our thoughts. Also our thoughts shape our reality, which is why your husband see your attituded change, Let him in, he can be your biggest supporter. tell him you need extra love and encourage ment and you aren't upset at him, but at the situation that's taking him away and you don't know what to do with your thoughts right now. He'll love you through all of it.
I've been so scared to say somthings out loud to my husband for fear that he'd say i was crazy and that'd he'd leave. But he didn't, he would tell me still loved me, and when it came out, it's was like a pressure release. Your emotions are just on a rollercoaster ride right now with your husbands deployment, just share that with him. He'll understand.
God bless you, I know this was wordy, but you will be alright, and so will your marriage, just reach out to the tools that are there to help you through. Much peace and prayers, keep me updated. Amber
Wow I just read both of your posts and though i am not a military wife I do know what it is like and how it feels to be separated from the one you love. My Husband being a union electrician has had to travel for work meaning left the state .several times in the 10 years we have been together and was forced to leave me behind. I went through alot of the same turmoil in my thoughts as you ladies. This separation anxiety is pretty rough It was part of when the whole anxity depression anger fear came to a real bad turn in my life. I wished i had known about this program then. However I have it now and am working it and it really is changing me so far noticed in the past week. Its tough going threw all this but keep thinking happy thoughts possitive replacement thoughts I love my husband He is the greatest thing in my life. Remember or think no man can separate what God has brought together. I am a christian just been led astray by my negative thinking so where this is said in the word of God I have forgotten and maybe did not quote quite right but those words stuck and I think on those words I can remember. Another one I remember that is so true and makes me smile and feel better is fear not for God is with you. I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. I am blessed. I will say a prayer for you and your hubby who has to go away for his safety and your peace of mind God Bless you and your family.lol 
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AlaskanAmber
- Posts: 21
- Joined: Wed Mar 18, 2009 10:11 pm
Hey catcrazy,
thank you for your encouragment, and if you ever want, theres a great website, "bible gateway" , you punch in key words and it gives you related bible verses to find the one you want. Good for you working through the program, and don't worry about being led astray' so to speak, Nothing is lost to God, he's has used all my "negative" experiances to help and counsel others, for "he uses ALL things for his glory" this is so true, nothing you experiance is waste. God will use it in his time for his glory. Much peace and prayers.
thank you for your encouragment, and if you ever want, theres a great website, "bible gateway" , you punch in key words and it gives you related bible verses to find the one you want. Good for you working through the program, and don't worry about being led astray' so to speak, Nothing is lost to God, he's has used all my "negative" experiances to help and counsel others, for "he uses ALL things for his glory" this is so true, nothing you experiance is waste. God will use it in his time for his glory. Much peace and prayers.
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jessiandre
- Posts: 1
- Joined: Tue Jun 29, 2010 5:33 pm
i just want to say thank you to "too nice" for sharing this! i really thought i was the only one. my husband was over seas for 1 year. that was almost 6 years ago now and i still go through rounds a couple times a month with my mind battling these thoughts because its like a never ending loop. i thought i was the only one who had thoughts like this and that because they wont go away they had to be true.it only got worse because i then felt guilty too and obsessed about them til i "figured it out" in my mind and felt better until something triggered the stupid thoughts down the road again.i KNOW I love my husband with every part of my heart, mind, and soul! "alaskan amber" you really nailed it!
i really thought i was loosing it and him. i would rather loose my mind than my love!!! he is the only one in the world i want to spend my life with! something mentally happened when he left and maybe i have been resenting him a bit for going although i know he didnt want to.
now its time to turn off the conveyor and live the way im supposed to. happy!
thank you so much for your post ladies!
i really thought i was loosing it and him. i would rather loose my mind than my love!!! he is the only one in the world i want to spend my life with! something mentally happened when he left and maybe i have been resenting him a bit for going although i know he didnt want to.
now its time to turn off the conveyor and live the way im supposed to. happy!
thank you so much for your post ladies!
Wow Thank you for opening up. I am a military wife and and my anxiety intensifies as soon as we put in our list and we have to wait for months to find out where we are living. The unknown scares me to death and I forgot all about this because we have been somewhere for almost 4 years and we live by family for once. When people ask me about it i had to run to the bathroom. I finally had to go on medication and then I found out about this program and am so helping this works. I often find comfort in the bible Jeremaiah 29:11 For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. I can't imagine what you ladies are going through with your husbands being deployed for large amounts of time. I have a lot of respect and admiration for you. Thank you very much. Does anyone else find difficulty with the moving process?