This is to all of you out there who suffer from those thoughts about mental illness...going crazy...schizophrenia.. demon poession...etc. THERE IS HOPE! I am living proof. For about 8 months of my life, I lived with the gripping fear that I was going insane or that I was demon possessed. It all started with my first panic attack, I didnt know what it was, and thought it was a demon trying to come into me. Yes, panic attacks are that scary. It ruined my life, it helped to destroy my marriage that ended in divorce, it completely broke me down and turned me into someone that I didnt know. I sat and cried, read stuff online, and basically let that time of my life pass me by. I couldnt eat, I couldnt sleep. I was constantly convincing myself in my head that i was crazy. My poor therapist. Every time he had to reassure me that I wasnt schizo before I would leave the office. As I walked out of his office I would turn to him and say... "so...im not schizo?" And he would gently smile and say "no Mallory, you arent schizophrenic." I guess this was like my little ritual because for a couple of days I would be okay. Then the terror would set back in. I couldn't take anti depressants bc a side effect was hallucinations, I would barely take an advil bc I was afraid that I would some how be a freak show that advil killed. But, I had countless people telling me that I was okay and that I Wasnt crazy...but here is the key, you wont believe them until you believe yourself. I just want you to know how bad this was for me. This wasnt some little fear that was in the back of my head. This fear almost ruined me. It was all I talked about, all I thought about, all I even cared about almost. My parents were to the point of just not even knowing what to do. You should go back and read my previous posts, you will see how consumed I really was with this fear.
Now, about a year later, I can honestly look at myself in the mirror and KNOW that I am not crazy. I look back on those posts I wrote and know that is part of my past, not my present or my future. This is a big statement for me, had you known me 6-8 months ago, you would NEVER hear me say that. I looked like death run over and could barely function living a normal live without completely breaking down every day. I cried out to God countless times...and thought he didn't care. I was so wrong. Do I know exactly what helped me? No. I do know that it had to be a God thing. I surrounded myself with scriptures about peace and how much he loved me. I even memorized some of them so that at night when I felt terror creeping in at its worst, I could repeat "he has given me a spirit of peace, not of fear." In this journey, I did discover the power and intensity of Gods love for me, so that is definitley a good thing. ((Read The Shack!!!)) Now, I am happy to say.. I am in college, a year away from finishing my teaching license for special needs children, and I am going to get my masters in child psychology. Am I completely anxiety free? No. I still struggle with it from time to time, but I do know that those thoughts aren't me and are powerless. And they no longer replay in my head like a broken record. I live a normal life, I go out with my friends, I sleep alone, I even stayed home alone for 3 days while my family was away. This all coming from a girl who at one point couldnt be in the room alone to take a shower, my sister had to sit right beside the door. Guess what, I thought about going crazy all day every day for about 8 months of my life. Did i go crazy? NOPE! And believe me, if I didn't lose my marbles, you wont either! Believe in yourself, you have the power to overcome these fears. And if you are a Christian reach out to God, he hears the prayers of his children and comes to them in their times of need. Believe it! Its so true. I owe it to him for giving me the strength and courage to overcome this. I believe sometimes we are broken so we can be put back together better than we were before. Stay strong...this too shall pass.
There is hope!
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Mallory,
thanks for your sharing. It gives me hope. I still have the OCD's some. I haven't figured out
the right thing to say but I know that paying attention to them got me into worse trouble.
I try to ignore them. my heart is so sensitive to those harmful thoughts. I used to really fight them and think God couldn't love me with those thoughts. I also couldn't see how the Holy Spirit could live in me and still me have those thoughts. I'm not sure I've resolved all that yet. but knowing that lots of other people have OCD's like that with the anxiety and panic attacks makes me know that it is part of the condition and not me. is the best thing to do when they come just say, this isn't me, this is the OCD thing and turn my mind to something positive? does it take time for this to get effective enuff that the thoughts don't cause panic. when I panic I just get this hot feeling like my nerve endings are on fire. has anyone else had that? I don't sweat, its just a feeling like the nerve endings in my back, sometimes shoulders, or stomach are on fire. sometimes it will go away, sometimes it keeps coming back on/off thru out the day.
thanks for your sharing. It gives me hope. I still have the OCD's some. I haven't figured out
the right thing to say but I know that paying attention to them got me into worse trouble.
I try to ignore them. my heart is so sensitive to those harmful thoughts. I used to really fight them and think God couldn't love me with those thoughts. I also couldn't see how the Holy Spirit could live in me and still me have those thoughts. I'm not sure I've resolved all that yet. but knowing that lots of other people have OCD's like that with the anxiety and panic attacks makes me know that it is part of the condition and not me. is the best thing to do when they come just say, this isn't me, this is the OCD thing and turn my mind to something positive? does it take time for this to get effective enuff that the thoughts don't cause panic. when I panic I just get this hot feeling like my nerve endings are on fire. has anyone else had that? I don't sweat, its just a feeling like the nerve endings in my back, sometimes shoulders, or stomach are on fire. sometimes it will go away, sometimes it keeps coming back on/off thru out the day.
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Pam, I know exactly how you feel. I used to think that God couldn't love me since I was thinking such horrible things about him, about the holy spirit, about everything. It helped me to think of it like this... We serve a God who loves and he created us. He knew that we were going to think these thoughts, he created our brains. Do you really think we serve a God that would not love us because of something that we couldn't control? I know for a fact I couldn't control the horrible thoughts that I was thinking. Believe me, we don't serve a God who is like that. He loves us with a love that is so unconditional that we cant comprehend it. Do you have children? Think of how much you love them and then multiply it times infinity and thats how much he loves us. Now if your child came to you and said, mom, I am thinking these horrible things, would you stop loving them? Would you think of them any differently? No you wouldn't, and God still loves us. I wanted more than anything to wake up and just forget the horrible thoughts. But just remember, God is not going to condemn you for something that is completely out of your control. Your thoughts are powerless and mean absolutely nothing. It helped me to repeatedly tell myself that my thoughts were powerless and meant nothing! I mean think about, if you think a thought over and over again, it means absolutely nothing other than you thought that thought a lot! lol. I mean think about winning the lottery repeatedly...do you win the lottery? Nope! Your thoughts mean nothing. That always made me feel better to think of it like that. And about the hot thing, yes. When I would have panic attacks it would ALWAYS start as a burning sensation on my chest. Like a fire was lit on my chest. So I know what you are talking about. Just remember, there is a light at the end of the tunnel and this wont last forever. You can kick anxiety's butt! 