Afraid of Cheating on someone

LilMsMD · Post by **LilMsMD** » Mon Jun 15, 2009 3:15 am

Clearsky 27,

I understand exactly what you are going through. My boyfriend and I have been together over two years. We love each other very much and have plans to get married in the near future. However, my anxiety (or maybe OCD) causes me to second guess myself so much that I often wonder if I REALLY love him or am I just fooling myself? He and I fought quite a lot in the first year of our relationship. We never made out with other people or cheated in any way, but the fighting was definitely a result of my deep anxieties that I was unwilling to share with him. I talk to him now and share my problems, but only to a certain extent. I don't want to tell him that I worry about whether or not I love him sometimes because I know if he told me that I would be shattered. I think that you really love your boyfriend deeply and, if you are anything like my and my boyfriend, you are probably a really great match for each other. What helps me most is to remember when I get anxious about our relationship that it is probably just my anxiety telling me these things. If I step away from obsessing for a minute, then I can usually see that my fears are unwarranted and I'll feel much better

clearsky27 · Post by **clearsky27** » Tue Jun 16, 2009 3:43 am

So I started going to an ocd specialist today (first time to this person) and Im telling her the whole story of my ocd. So I get to my current one which is what if I dont love him/ or I cheat. SO I go on and on and Im like this is just my ocd right I love him? She goes well I dont know. My jaw dropped? In my head Im thinking oh my god oh my god. Then she said how would I know I dontk now him, I just met you, I dont know about you guys. Then it clicked how ridiculous I sound asking someone else do I lvoe him. If a complete stranger came up to me and said do I love my bf I would be like umm how would I know. Then she followed up by saying how its obvious that when I bringup this subject I have a lot of anxiety and it sounds as though I adore him. I also told her how when I am calm I see clearly and think what am I thinking of course i love him. She said whenyour calm your more rational. I think she was trying to make me see and figure it out for myself. Like ok you rknow you do when you are calm, ratinoal and not anxious. When you think it you are upset, anxious and irrational. Makes a little more sense. Then she said let thoughts drift and if there is a thought you didnt like or something you want to change then pick that one to act on. You wont act on one you dont want to. This make any sense to anyone. You know when you get new info or advice and you think its positive, makes sense and will help you. Then all of a sudden you start twisting it and making it negative.

clearsky27 · Post by **clearsky27** » Tue Jun 16, 2009 3:47 am

Sorry one more thing. When she had said you have a lot of anxiety regarding your relationship. She said maybe its because he is your frist boyfriend and now your fiance or because of the way I acted in college (little permiscous, nothing bad though). DO you think she meant it like that my relationship was wrong or tainted or just that there could be numerous reasons my ocd attacks this, Now Im all freaked out.Im so afraid to lose hime is this my OCD?

Boon · Post by **Boon** » Tue Jun 16, 2009 6:44 am

Stop looking for confirmation. You are way too much in your head. Stop it! SHOUT STOP!!! Then get on with your day. (This is called cortical shifting - sing, hum, whistle, whatever you do keep your focus on that - not your thoughts. You don't have to figure this out - not now - and perhaps not ever.

Expect anxiety with this new action. It is temporary. You are telling your brain that you are no longer participating in this. It will get the message and you will feel some anxiety for awhile but just breathe into it. So what if you have anxious feelings. They will pass and you will have some peace. (The anxiety you have by ruminating is very different from the anxiety you have when you expose. With rumination the anxiety always comes back, but when you expose the anxiety lessens and eventually goes away. You will find yourself dismissing the thought. You will find the doubt gone. What you are doing now is beating yourself up. Not anymore. Put a stop to it - now. You are allowed to be human and make mistakes. If you live a long life you will make plenty more - that's the way it goes when you walk this earth. Mistakes are not an excuse to beat yourself up. They are something for us learn from. To guide us.)

Don't give in. Don't haggle and don't try to make it better. Just feel those feelings. You can remind yourself that you are doing this on purpose to create a healthier you. Then move on with your day.

It is not the thoughts ruining your relationship. It is your reaction to them. Stop reacting by doing the above exercise over and over and over until you finally get results. Let the thoughts be there. So what if you have doubts like that.

You can do this. Don't give up until you get the peace you want.

clearsky27 · Post by **clearsky27** » Tue Jun 16, 2009 7:04 am

Thanks Boon!

I think its just that . I am always looking for confirmation and seeking the reasurrance. This shows me that this falls into my patterns of ocd. Your right. I need to just tune it out. There is probbaly no reason for it and even if it is something from my past , its my past. ITs just my OCD. Im going to do what you said. I have realized now that if it is not this it will something else and I dont need to analyze every thought I have or I will never be living my life. I love my relationship and want it otherwise I wouldnt be this upset. Therefore I will let the thought come in and say stop and do something constructive. This is just my ocd taking another form and trying to trick me and I am letting it. No more!

clearsky27 · Post by **clearsky27** » Tue Jun 16, 2009 7:10 am

one more thing boon. you say hum or whistle to distract yourself. Is this after you let the thought be present for a second?