Hello to Everyone,
This is long, but I would appreciate so much if someone would read this and help me out. I was diagnosed with Generalized Anxiety Disorder (GAD) about five years ago and received cognitive behavioral treatment for two years following my diagnosis. I stopped therapy after I felt I had learned good coping skills and have managed fairly well since then. During this time, I was never told that I had any OCD tendencies. However, I feel that I have "obsessive thoughts" regarding my romantic relationships. It is causing issues with my current boyfriend, or rather it is causing issues in my own mind about my current boyfriend.
My boyfriend and I have been together almost three years. We used to fight all the time about everything under the sun, until I admitted to him that I had an anxiety disorder and that some things that might normally not bother your average individual would make me really uncomfortable. After he knew what he was dealing with, he has tried his best to accomodate me and help me with my anxieties, which seem to spring up all the time. The arguments practically disappereared, until recently.
My boyfriend and I see alot of each other, partly because we love spending time together and partly because if I am not with him I am constantly obsessing over where he is, who he is with, and what he is doing. There is no reason for me to be so untrusting of him. He has never done anything to make me think he would be unfaithful or do anything to hurt me or make me intentionally anxious, yet I still worry about what is going on when I am not around. I do not know how to cope with (or stop) these obsessive thoughts when I am by myself. I can work myself into such a frenzy over nothing that I ruin my day. My boyfriend is so puzzled and frustrated by this because he loves me and wants the best for me, but feels that I do not see this in him.
I do not care for his friends and would prefer that he did not hang around them because I feel sometimes that they do not like me because they do not understand my anxiety and why I act the way I do sometimes. I am reserved and not very talkative when I am around them and I think they perceive me to be "snobby" or stuck up when this could not be farther from the truth. If my boyfriend ever goes to hang out with his buddies, I will stress myself into being sick to my stomach, wondering what they are up to, even though he lets me know ahead of time what the plans are and most the time I am invited to be a part of the plans and this STILL does not quell my worries because I think he and his friends are acting differently than they would if I was not present. Some of these insecurities stem from past relationships where I was cheated on and lied to, but that is no excuse for ruining things with a man who has done nothing except try to help me.
Another source of anxiety is my boyfriend's family. His mother and I have never gotten along, until recently. We have started having conversations here and there, but the main reason for this is because my boyfriend does not want to talk to her (because of the way she has treated me), so she basically uses me to get information about her son because he will not tell her anything that is not a complete necessity. It's like I have never had a chance to come into my own without some preconceived notions about who or what I am! His sister treats me terribly, tells other members of the family that I am a b%@ch and that they would not want to meet me because I am "pretty and dress well and think that I am better than everyone else." It doesn't make any sense to me because all I have ever tried to do is be nice to the both of them and they continue to treat me this way. It makes me start to think, "Is there something really wrong with me? Am I doing something that is making them feel this way or are they just jealous and biased toward others?" It makes me anxious and I can't stand to be around them. The times that either my boyfriend or I have to talk to any of his family, it makes the anxiety worse and even my boyfriend gets aggitated with the whole ordeal of trying to communicate with them. Thankfully we keep the contact limited, but it is still a trigger for my anxiety and obsessive worries.
Finally, I worry about my boyfriend and my choices to be with him. This is my longest relationship to date because he is the only man that has ever attempted to understand me and my anxiety and accept them both for what they are. I could kiss his feet for that alone because it is such a rarity to find that. However, there are times when we argue and he can be so incredibly stubborn (and I can be too) that I just want to call it quits and break up so that I do not have to deal with any conflict. I do not want to accept his opinions sometimes and if he has a different viewpoint than me on something, I become furious. It's like I want variety, but at the same time I want him to agree with me so there is no conflict. I cannot go through life being so narrow minded and running from problems, so I know I need to stand and face it, but every time we argue I immediately throw in the "I'll just break up with you and then you won't even have to deal with this anymore." It has never intimidate my boyfriend when I say that and he will just reply, "I love you and you are just being anxious. When you stop we will talk" and he walks away from it. This both makes me more anxious and starts a cycle of obsessive thoughts about whether or not he really loves me (because sometimes I feel like if he really loved me he would not say things like that and walk away, he would stay and talk it out with me) and angers me.
I love him, but I am always fearful of making a mistake - what if there is someone else out there that would be better suited for me? Someone who would not argue with me or who would coddle me like I want to be coddled sometimes? Then I remind myself that this is not a realistic expectation for a relationship and that ALL relationships and ALL people have their differences and go through their ups and downs.
We have talked of getting engaged, which both excites and scares me. It excites me because I love him and enjoy thinking about our life together, having a home, children, growing old together. I get scared though because I have this idea built up in my head of what our engagement and marriage should be and I am freaked out thinking that it will all fall short of my expectations. For example, I have always invisioned a "destination engagement," like being proposed to in a historic city, on the beach, in the mountains, something that will be memorable and exciting. I do not want the run of the mill proposal at a restaurant or dropping the ring in a glass of champagne. I am afraid that my boyfriend will not do well in this area because he is not the most romantic person in the world. He's not a heartless, thoughtless brute or anything. I just don't know if he would think to take me someplace like that and plan a couples trip to propose on. I don't want to tell him exactly what I want because I think that would take the element of romance and surprise out of things.
In short, I do not know what to do about all these feelings? Is this a combination of my GAD and OCD making me do all this? Or am I a hopeless woman who is destined to be single or miserable for the rest of my days? How do I lower my expectations on some of these things and let some things ride? Should I even do that? What can I do about the family situation? I have tried to come to terms with it and it still makes me anxious to think that people do not like me. How can I not lose my temper and threaten to break up with my boyfriend when we have even a minor disagreement? Should I just move on and find someone else? I don't know what to do! Someone please, please, please read this and help me out. I can't stand being this way. I want to be with my boyfriend, love him unconditionally and accept the way things are, so I can live anxiety (and OCD) free! HELP!!
Obsessive Compulsive About Relationships
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Guest
LilMs,
I have been where you are and still am where you are to some degree. I was diagnosed with generalized depression, mild OCD and anxiety about two years ago. I too did the cognitive behavioral therapy route, along with the Stress program and medication at one point. I was doing really well. Then, I quit it all. I thought I could handle it on my own. Since then, the depression has returned along with the anxiety and OCD. I am back to square one, but at least this time I know how to fix it.
I think the first thing you need to do is get back in treatment of some sort. These feelings your are having is your old behaviors returning. Unfortunately, these diseases are not ones that are ever cured, just learned to be handled.
The most important thing you can do in all of these problem areas is to remember that the only person you need to please, is yourself. If you like the person you are, that is all that matters. I am not saying you should not try to be kind to others, but if they do not respond, that is their loss not yours.
I have been married almost ten years, and have struggled with my marriage and my relationship with my inlaws more times that I have not. I too was perceived as a snob in the beginning and still am when I do not behave in a way that they agree with. But, you know what has changed, me. I know that I am a good person. I know that what they think of me at times is not the truth. As long as I know that, they can say what they want.
You need to tell yourself that you are not the person they believe you to be. Focus on your positive qualities and let the negative float away. As for your relationship, your boyfriend sounds like a wonderful man. You are correct in that it is rare to find someone who understands what we are going through and will work with you on it. I think the fact that he does walk away from arguments is a good thing, not a bad thing. Sometimes, when two people disagree and cannot come to a compromise in the heated moment, walking away to cool down and compose yourself is the best thing to do. Your boyfriend has learned that when you are having one of these moments, that it does him no good to argue with you. His reaction is healthy.
As for your relationship fears, I understand. I find myself constantly wondering if there is someone else out there better suited for me. That is "grass is greener" thinking and it can be dangerous. My husband did have an affair early on in our marriage. It left me suspicious of his every move. But, I am just now starting to realize that if he wants to cheat on me again, he will. There is nothing I can do to stop it. All I can do is be the best me I can be, and if that is not good enough for him, then that is his loss. Fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice shame on me.
Just remember, you need to be complete within yourself before you can have a successful relationship. If you are looking to him to fill any kind of whole in yourself, it will not work. He should be your companion and friend. Sounds to me like he is. My advise is work on you and everything else will turn out as it is meant to.
Best of luck.
I have been where you are and still am where you are to some degree. I was diagnosed with generalized depression, mild OCD and anxiety about two years ago. I too did the cognitive behavioral therapy route, along with the Stress program and medication at one point. I was doing really well. Then, I quit it all. I thought I could handle it on my own. Since then, the depression has returned along with the anxiety and OCD. I am back to square one, but at least this time I know how to fix it.
I think the first thing you need to do is get back in treatment of some sort. These feelings your are having is your old behaviors returning. Unfortunately, these diseases are not ones that are ever cured, just learned to be handled.
The most important thing you can do in all of these problem areas is to remember that the only person you need to please, is yourself. If you like the person you are, that is all that matters. I am not saying you should not try to be kind to others, but if they do not respond, that is their loss not yours.
I have been married almost ten years, and have struggled with my marriage and my relationship with my inlaws more times that I have not. I too was perceived as a snob in the beginning and still am when I do not behave in a way that they agree with. But, you know what has changed, me. I know that I am a good person. I know that what they think of me at times is not the truth. As long as I know that, they can say what they want.
You need to tell yourself that you are not the person they believe you to be. Focus on your positive qualities and let the negative float away. As for your relationship, your boyfriend sounds like a wonderful man. You are correct in that it is rare to find someone who understands what we are going through and will work with you on it. I think the fact that he does walk away from arguments is a good thing, not a bad thing. Sometimes, when two people disagree and cannot come to a compromise in the heated moment, walking away to cool down and compose yourself is the best thing to do. Your boyfriend has learned that when you are having one of these moments, that it does him no good to argue with you. His reaction is healthy.
As for your relationship fears, I understand. I find myself constantly wondering if there is someone else out there better suited for me. That is "grass is greener" thinking and it can be dangerous. My husband did have an affair early on in our marriage. It left me suspicious of his every move. But, I am just now starting to realize that if he wants to cheat on me again, he will. There is nothing I can do to stop it. All I can do is be the best me I can be, and if that is not good enough for him, then that is his loss. Fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice shame on me.
Just remember, you need to be complete within yourself before you can have a successful relationship. If you are looking to him to fill any kind of whole in yourself, it will not work. He should be your companion and friend. Sounds to me like he is. My advise is work on you and everything else will turn out as it is meant to.
Best of luck.