Looking for Others to Talk To with OCD & Panic

[Inspiration is All Around]

Hi everyone,
I know this is long but I just want to get it off my chest...
I have been out of the program for years and have been doing really well. The past few weeks have been a real setback for me though. I was diagnosed with OCD and panic disorder about 10 years ago and haven't really had an "episode" for a very long time. My anxiety has been so high for the past few weeks and my OCD has been difficult. I am a work at home mom (I have 2 businesses, I'm also a wildlife rehabilitator and a writer just finishing my novel). You would think I don't have a lot of time on my hands, but I've still managed to work myself into an obsessive period. I hate what ifs! My big fear right now is what if I go crazy? What if my anxiety pushes me into schitzophrenia(sp) and I start hearing and seeing things? What if they cart me away to a institution and my husband and daughter are too ashamed of me to visit? I freak sometimes if I have to drive past the hospital. I know this isn't me and I'm not crazy. I also know that when I don't focus on it, it doesn't bother me so much and I can sigh with relief. But if the thought comes back, sometimes I get worked up again. My doctor says I am very focused on always being in control. He says it is impossible to monitor every thought that pops into your head. He tells me to relax, I'm very much a normal person - I just have OCD and panic, but it's hard. I've read up on OCD and know what I should be doing but sometimes it's so difficult. I can have good days and I say, see, look I'm fine, no panic or OCD stuff. Other days, though, I obsess and get so shaky and nervous. My second big fear the past couple of weeks is what if I was turning into a bad person and hurt someone, like I became a wacko or something? I know I would NEVER do something like that but man, it can really scare me! You wonder why did that just come into my head? I really don't know where that one came from other than the going crazy thing, but it has scared me to the point of panic attacks. The pathetic thing is I know this is NOT TRUE and NOT ME and can say (usually), whatever, that's not me, I'm a good person, I would never hurt anyone or anything, but sometimes it still catches me at a wrong moment and I freak out.
I think I'm just now starting to break away from these thoughts and seeing them for what they are (garbage), and trying to not let them bother me so much. I'm working hard to dismiss them as ridiculous (today I actually feel pretty good). I take care of baby animals during my day, I've got baby birds to feed every 20 minutes, I've been known to run across two lane highways for an injured squirrel, I've never so much as spanked my daughter, I am the one everyone comes to for advice, so weird thoughts like those are sooo out of my character. I know it's not me, never will be me, I can't even watch the news or scary movies for fear I will get upset (I hate violence and fear anything that has to do with crazy people). I don't like anything gory or immoral - I am super sensitive. It's almost like I've been obsessing now over having a thought - like, I don't want to have a scary thought, oh no, then I go on guard, analyze my mind, then wham... I hate it. I've had OCD over lots of things before, like what if I never sleep again, what if I stop eating and become anorexic, what if I harmed my daughter (when she was little), what if I got an allergic reaction to something I ate, what if I had a heart attack (in my 20's- I'm 34 now). I usually just pick myself right back up and keep going. I know this garbage right now I've been obsessing on will pass and my mind will get bored from it and move on to something else, but it's hard when you want it to go away RIGHT NOW (like you could wave a magic wand). The past few days I've been getting down on myself and thinking, why me? Why this? Why can't I just be normal again? I think I was pretty normal a month ago! Why can't I just stop it? Then, I think, stop the pity, get up and get busy, change it.
I'm on 20mg of Celexa and am going to the doc to either up my dosage or change to something else. I've heard people with OCD need to be on a higher dose. I am also starting the program again - I am on lesson 2.
I would really like to talk to others out there in my situation. Is there anyone who would like to talk and help each other get through this with the program and moral support? I ask for reassurance from my husband but he just shakes his head - you're fine, you're fine, just stop, he says, you're doing this to yourself.
Thanks guys for letting me vent.. I feel like a weight is off my shoulders. If I can be there for anyone just let me know - please PM me
Oh, and please don't say anything scary to me about my post - I pick over and analyze everything- lol

[Megun]

Hi,
As though this post was for me. It's exactly how I feel. I'm glad that you haven't an "episode" for so long time. This mean a lot.
Last night I read something scary about OCD and I haven't good sleep after that. It's because people with OCD are very sensitives about negatives, about violent news or movies, we are so suggestible. But your post give me a big amount of hope and I believe that one day everyone here will overcome this nightmare.
We just have to believe in ourselves and try to be more patient.

[Zoe_M]

Hi there,

I read your post and said, MY GOODNESS, this is SO ME! Well, let me tell you something about you. YOU are a kind, loving warm individual. You have what is called "Pure O" which is simply the obsessive part of OCD. It's different then OCD in a lot of ways. There is a good article about this on the following website.

<A HREF="http://www.ocdonline.com/articlephillipson1.php" TARGET=_blank>http://www.ocdonline.com/articlephillipson1.php</A>

I too have been looking to find people with this exact symptom to try to work through it together. I have made one friend on here that I have been communicating with via mail and it is helping us both. I think it's the old thing of it's easier to get help from someone who truly has our symptoms feeling. I went free of the obsession for 20 years, but had so much stress in my life that it came back.

I realized a couple of things about this condition. We are scared of things that really have no answer. We ruminate or worry in the background so to speak. Like when we are trying to think of who wrote a song. That is how I feel when I ruminate any way. The best advice from that article is to give yourself particular time of the day to ruminate. That way your analytical mind will know that it can and will have time to deal with the "unknown" type questions. I have tried that and it works quite well. The mind actually gets sick of thinking about it after a while.

If you are a musician or a painter or like you said a writer, it's good to exercise the creative aspects. This seems to free up the mind enough (stop the ruminating) to allow us to rationalize things.

Believe, me you are NOT alone, I know SO many people with the exact same symptoms as you described. Like I said, you are SO kind, SO wonderful and SO human that these things make us afraid. In fact, you should consider yourself very special. I know it's hell, but look at it this way, you are so sensitive to worry because you are so caring and loving and basically a fantastic person.

Please feel free to write to me and or message me because I am trying to get a group of us on here together to heal together.

Zoe

[**Its a New Day**]

I have been where you are at and it sounds like so have you. What happened is something was a trigger to reawaken in your mind that old fear and you got scared because it had been a while and BAM! the flood gates were opened and it just keeps coming. It happens, you need to refocus and take a deep breathe and face it head on again and take control of your thoughts. Don't allow your mind to play the "what if" game with you. You know what it is and you know how to beat it because you have done it before. There is no quick fix but remember that inch by inch lifes a sinch and yard by yard pretty hard. You have to take control of your thoughts and put up a big stop sign everytime your mind wants to run with the fear. you can do it, you are NOT crazy....crazy people don't worry about being crazy! I have had EVERY fear you have described and I have lost days of my life that I cannot get back living in fear of them, but I have learned how to take control and not let the fear rule my life through this program and you have the same tools!!! If you need to talk you can PM me anytime!!!

Chrystal

[Fairlight]

Thanks everyone for your honesty & encouragement to all of us. I started the program in late June, got soooooooo much better by lesson three that I pretty much thought I was over all this obsessive thinking (scary thoughts, what if I go crazy, etc,,,!) so I stopped the program and figured I was over this issue yeah!!! Though I am about 60% better (bless you Lucinda & Stress Center), and I know I must go through all the program, I have a question for all of you. Does anyone find that when they get a bit of peace about a scary cycle of thoughts, and begin not to fear that issue so much, that a new even more scary thought process pops up? Like the schizophenia one, that's my latest and it's almost like my brain is searching for anything it can find to scare me with a new fear? I hate this cycle, I was so relieved & thought I had found the way to peace and now I'm shaky and scared each time these new thoughts begin to torment me... I too, can't watch the news anymore, or anything scary, I'm already scared enough and don't need anything more depressing! My question is, (and if there is a moderator who can answer, that would be great), why do we go from getting peace from one scary thought, and then produce even more scary ones? It's like I'm ruining my own life with all this self produced fear...
Thanks for any insight, praying for you all!
Fairlight

[Zoe_M]

Fairlight,

yes that is the part of the "O" that is hard. I call it leap frogging. One fear leaps over another and then another. It's almost like we want to see how scary we can make things. We are very gentle people and these thoughts just scare us so much. I know that I have been thin skinned most of my life and by following this program I have become more affective and less effected. That's a goal all of us that suffer from this seek to achieve. We will all get there, we have each other to lean on. Just know that all of the scary thoughts you have had, millions of others have had too. I really wish there was a magic "OFF" button that would allow us not be sensitive to things, but it's like we all have touched a hot stove and are shy of touching the stove again in case we get burned. You can see by that description, the body is sort of protecting us. I know you are a gentle person Fairlight and one of the nicest people I am sure of that. It seems that this bad habit follows around nice people. We will get through this. If you want to join a little group we are starting for sufferers of this type, just PM me.

Zoe

[I love JPC]

I can completely relate. I have OCD scary thinking. I have periods of time where I think I am doing so well and I am finally recovered. And then bam, it hits me out of no where. That is what actually happened to me this past weekend and now I am having anxiety again from my thoughts and thinking I am going to go crazy and end up in the institution.
I read the ocdonline article for the first time and it really made sense. But I have question/fear. For example, in that article it says that if you feared running someone over on the road, accept it and say you hope you ran more people over. I can see this thory making sense and working. But I fear that if I start accepting these thoughts that I have and encouraging them, I might actually think it's ok to follow through with something bad like that. I don't want that to happen and I don't want my brain to think that's ok. Does that make sense to anyone?

[Zoe_M]

Well, I love JPC

I understand where you are going with that thought process. The setbacks or growth spurts as I call them, are ok to have. Just remember that they will eventually fade. Thoughts are just thoughts and believe me I have had them all.

I have read and know so many people that have fully recovered from this bad habit of scary thinking. You will too!

You are perfectly ok, just a worrier warrier as I call it.

You are a loving, caring and sensitive person deserving of love!

Zoe

[Boon]

Welcome the fact that you are a phobic. Go to a mirror. Wrap your arms around yourself and welcome it all in. Obessive scary thinking is not a death sentence - and that is all that it is. We make ourselves more miserable by our resistance. You can work with OST, PA, etc. Learn to soothe yourself. How you talk to yourself is really the key.

Freedom from Fear by Dr. Howard Liebgold is a great book to guide you with this. Also, the ocdonline that Zoe recommended is another way to guide yourself in the right direction.

Practice getting to the place where it doesn't matter if you have these thoughts one way or the other. Your anxiety will decrease and so will those thoughts and fears.

Embrace what you are going through. You are scared right now and you need your own love and compassion. Don't resist your thoughts. Allow them to come and go without your emotional attachment to them. You can do it.

[Megun]

Fairlight

Hi, Fairlight
I can completely relate to you. When I was pregnant(few mounths ago) I thought that I'm almost cured, my scary thoughts reduces a lot. But after childbirth the cycle start again and the thoughts became even more scary. My recent fear is that I have split of personality and my mind is so inventive to convince me of it.
I now know why I have this doubts. A year ago when I've got my first panic attack, I was working for translation of an movie "Thr3e", where the main player has a split of personality. I know that this is only
anxiety trick but I can do nothing about.
I've had many obsessions in my life, since I was young child. I've had swalloving, sleeping,
difficult breathing obsession, also breast
cancer obsession and many, many more. When I was fourteen years old I didn't eat nothing for
more than ten days, because I was sure that I going to choke. Even the thought about food was so scary. I thought that I've got anorexia.

But now-these awful thoughts....I think that one day they'll gone like every single fear I've had. It's so hard time for me, but I'll survive like any of you. Even we'll become much stronger than ever.

One more thing...I realize that when you believe in something your subconsciousness can make everything to convince you of it. So now we all have to believe opposed. We’re all wonderful persons and there is nothing wrong with us. It’s just anxiety and fear…

Gery