Ugh need more reassurance@ =( Setback with scary thoughts

lateralus_jenn · Post by **lateralus_jenn** » Sun Aug 03, 2008 12:21 pm

Ok so I had been doing somewhat ok, and I had a set back. A really brutal murder happened just a few hours from my city, and the papers and news are saying this is probably the most brutal to happen in Canadian History. The guy that did it was a total nut, he had never met the person he killed or anything, he just all of the sudden turned and took this poor kids life on a Greyhound Bus. Now I'm a sufferer of the scary intrusive violent thoughts, and they started for me after reading another story about a murderer who was crazy. It lead me to the whole process of "what if i go crazy and become that person" 'what if I'm cutting vegetables in the kitchen and then i get an uncontrollable impulse"etc etc. I hate this so much. After reading the most recent story it freaked me out again, and I thought about what makes these people do these terrible things. My new what if is, What if these intrusive thoughts are my subconcious wanting to do it. I hate this because I would much rather kill myself than anyone else, I want all these stupid thoughts to go away. Whenever I have a setback, I just need to know that people are dealing with the same thing, I need to know I'm not the only one worried about it, and I'm still a good person. I wish genies were real lol, I know that sounds retarded but my one wish would be that this would stop and I wouldn't obsess or have panic attacks, that the depression would just stop and I could be fully happy again. how does everyone deal with their setbacks, and has anyone dealt with the same silly what-ifs?

india_6 · Post by **india_6** » Sun Aug 03, 2008 1:09 pm

i have been throught the same thing, and i'm sure many others here have too. no need to worry (as if that isn't a funny statement). i have what if thinking about just about everything it seems. but yes, i have had the scary "what if i kill someone else" thoughts. and many thoughts along those lines. i wouldn't hurt a fly, i know this. but i feel sometimes i lose my mind for a slit second and i'm scared of what i could do. but you have to know that you WON'T do these things. you ARE a good person....a bad person wouldn't worry about it. you have to remember that people who do horrible things like that man are seriously "crazy" people. they don't ever have the thought "am i crazy?" it doesn't cross their mind. that's the funny thing people always tell me when i say something about me being crazy, they say "truly crazy people don't know they are crazy"...and that is completely true. killing seemed okay to that man. you know that killing is not okay, you just have fleeting THOUGHTS about it. they are thoughts, not actions. you could have horrible thoughts all day long and still never act on any of them, and you won't. you fear those thoughts. so you know you won't ever do them. these are the same things i have to tell myself. it is normal with anxiety and panic and what-if thinking, completely normal. we can't help it. you are a good person, thoughts don't make you bad. i hope that puts your mind at ease a little. there is not a single type of recovery in the world that doesn't have setbacks of some sort. i wish you the very best, and you are not alone!

Panic Attack Lance · Post by **Panic Attack Lance** » Sun Aug 03, 2008 1:56 pm

That was a very disturbing and tough read when I heard about that. I know that I dont have that in me but I worry about what I'm capable of. I'm not capable of anything like that, it makes me wonder about people that just flip like that

Angla · Post by **Angla** » Sun Aug 03, 2008 2:23 pm

Jenn,
You are a good person, and you won't do anything like this. I know, we are so sensitive to everything, hearing things like this is very difficult. I know in this case it is probably very hard not to know about this, but I would suggest to you to not read much in the paper or listen to the news, unless ofcourse it is the weather. We are too sensitive and things like this send our minds reeling. But being sensitive is a good thing too, and we are the most wonderful caring people. You are not alone, I have had these same thoughts, but the program teaches us, they are thoughts only thoughts, NO BIG DEAL!!! Although I know it's hard to feel that way when you are in the midst of the terrible thought. Just keep telling yourself that and soon you won't let these thoughts bother you so and they will leave. You know you wouldnt hurt a fly, just like India.
Simply we are good people, the best and you truly have nothing to worry about. Get busy and stay distracted and in time you will be feeling much better. Just keep working the program, it is the best thing I have done for myself and my family. You will be ok and remember This too shall pass.
Your Friend
Angla

lateralus_jenn · Post by **lateralus_jenn** » Mon Aug 04, 2008 2:15 pm

thank you all so much for this, it all helps alot. I notice the other thing I worry about, is if an intrusive scary thought enters my mind, or I'm on here reading posts and I don't feel as much anxiety and stomach flip flops as I did the first time this all started happening, I start to wonder if that means I'm just ok with it, and then I start over analying and obsessing. It's like you feel scared and negative, and then when you dont feel as scared or negative then you worry about it. Angla you are right about the not reading the news or watching it, It just bothers me too much. I wish I could just find a private island one day to move to lol, a place where violence and bad people didn't exsist, or stupid news bits about depressing things. When you think about it, Reporters are kind of weird and negative, cause it seems like that's the only kind of stuff they like to report.

Zoe_M · Post by **Zoe_M** » Wed Aug 06, 2008 7:00 am

Ok, Just to let you know I had the same thing based on the same news event. So, YOU are not alone. I live in Niagara Falls and when I heard that story, i reacted the same way.

So, I hope this helps you feel better. I felt better after reading your report, so I thought I would return the favor.

YOU are a sensitive LOVING individual. You are the most caring person in the world. So, please don't mistake the news as being something that it's not. (look at me talking ha ha) I mean I did the same thing. What we have is a bad habit, that can be broken. It took us a while to get this bad habit and we can break it!

We have started a little group of people that discuss the intrusive scary/negative thoughts. If you'd like to join, just PM me and I can include you on our daily private message.

Zoe

Inspiration is All Around · Post by **Inspiration is All Around** » Thu Aug 07, 2008 3:03 am

Lateralus Jenn,
I just posted in the growth spurts discussion something similar to your very last post here about trying to get over the thoughts and questioning yourself. Maybe we can both benefit from the responses.
Insp.

Cindy Brady · Post by **Cindy Brady** » Thu Aug 07, 2008 6:17 am

I am also plagued by this same grisly story of the murder on the greyhound bus. It makes me cry to think that someone was so viciously murdered in the presence of so many other people. I am trying to recover from an agoraphobic phase that lasted about 2 years and this has sent my panic into a frenzy. It really bothers me even more so when I read they were 37 passengers on the bus...what the?? And no one could maybe step in to save a life? I am sure if three or four or more people would stepped in to disarm the attacker, or knock the attacker out with something, that this man may have lived. So this is my nightmare...I am trying to recover from agoraphobia and this makes me want to shelter in place, with bars on the windows. Frankly, it scares me to death to think that not only could this happen to me...but that no one would help me!?! I know this is not uncommon in these situations that people are overcome by fear and chose to not be involved, but for the life of me I can not understand and rationalize in my mind. So..here I am too.

Lucy Winter · Post by **Lucy Winter** » Thu Aug 07, 2008 6:25 am

I am deeply affected by this horrendous occurrence. I have so many mixed emotions about it. Just last night the girls and I spoke about this very incident at our regular gathering spot...sheerly unimaginable. If something involving such a random collection of people can happen there, who's to say it can't closer to home? I agree with Cindy about the fact that there were nearly 40 people aboard the bus at the time this happened and NOT ONE was reported to have even attempted to intervene. I can't imagine not at least trying to do something about the situation as a man lost his life in front of my eyes - what is this world coming to?
As for your general fear, Jenn, I honestly believe all humans question what we are truly capable of and that is completely natural. I can guarantee you, though, that the man who committed this crime wasn't even close to grounded, as you obviously are...you know yourself well enough to target your personal issues and come here to help deal and overcome.
The media reports any and all kinds of ugliness, which can be a terribly disturbing experience to some. Being informed is one thing, and obsessing over the world's ugliness is an entirely different matter.
Take care.

lateralus_jenn · Post by **lateralus_jenn** » Thu Aug 07, 2008 12:11 pm

You're all right about not being anything like this guy. This obsessing is just so frustrating because it's hard to turn off, the fact that it's so intrusive makes it harder for you to believe you're sane. The part that bothers me the most is when I'm busy at work or something, and the violent scary thoughts pop up, and I don't have the anxiety to back it up because it's like I'm too busy, and then I go oh god why didn't I get scared over that..why didn't that bother me. I mean when I try to add some rationality, I think well these thoughts have been there for some time so it's nothing really new, I get scared when they pop up too much, but when it just pops up every now and then it's like my body just goes meh, what else is new. Atleast that's what I hope I'm doing. I hate these thoughts, I find that I'm getting really depressed over them, to a point where the majority of the time I'm just wishing I was dead, Or If I get a scary violent Image, I just put myself in place of the one getting hurt. I try to think things like instead of "What if I become a psycho" then "What If I become purely happy again, What If it's like this never happened" but when I do that it's like my mind tries to shut it down, like my own mind is being a Bully. Will this ever just go away?? I hope to god it does. I would give anything to just stop obsessing. I'd love to hear more from the people who have the obsessions that they will hurt someone, this one to me seems the scariest, I definitely don't want to knock anyone elses obsessions, but I would definitely trade my obsession for something else lol. Even if it was like being scared of socks or something, anything but this. Lately I feel like there's no hope, like no matter how much reassurance I seek I'm just going to become a pyscho, or just depressed from these thoughts =(