i don't know what to do or what to ask for anymore
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lateralus_jenn
- Posts: 23
- Joined: Sun Jun 29, 2008 11:41 pm
So I'm curious to know how to get out of the darkest and lowest part of this ocd. I have obsessive thoughts about harm upon others, and I just feel like there is no end. Literally no end, but at the same time I feel as though there's hope, but it gets twisted and my mind changes into something that it isn't. For instance, anytime I see an opening or I feel free from all of this even just for a moment, something drags me right back down. I can't even put anything together, my mind sabotages literally just about everything I think. I'm so tired of this, I'm too tired of this, and I just want it to stop! In the beginning, I would be upset and anxious ALL the time, I didn't know what was wrong with me, I hid, I had to have my boyfriend hide knives and everything. Now I don't get that same anxiety or extreme guilt, I just feel like I'm droning on with no expression. I feel more anti-social, I have no desire to have sex, and when I do, my mind tries to tell me that I must like my thoughts or get aroused by them, because how could I allow myself to have sex during such things, So I don't even bother anymore. Before I go to bed, I get some confidence, I tell myself it's going to be ok, nothing is going to happen, and then I wake up and thoughts are there, and I'm not doing anything about it, and I end up here, just empty and lost and not knowing what to do. I feel really keyed up and irratated alot, because I can't turn it off! and then my mind tries to say "you're irratable because you want to hurt someone" it just drives me insane, because I was frustrated in the first place because of the thoughts. This is so strange for me because part of me feels like I'm going to be ok, like I sort of look at the problem from a far and can see it for what it is, but then the other part ruins it by sabotaging me and creating new disturbing twisted thoughts, God this just isn't worth it, where is the light in this situation?? My mind sabotages me even as I write this. I don't even know what to ask! I just want to know that there is hope, because it doesn't feel like it, my thoughts keep trying to convincee me that I like them!
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Mello Nello
- Posts: 299
- Joined: Thu Feb 17, 2005 2:00 am
Hi Jenn. You answered your own question right there in the early part of this post. Your mind sabotages just about everything.
Where are you on this program?
Session 10 through 13 will show you how to stop that, if you make sure you complete every step of Session 1 - 9, and ALL the homework, including journaling, on your way there. I am now on Session 14. You can read some of my recent posts. Life has been about as difficult as it can get, and I am still doing okay. I haven't skipped any part of this program. I will repeat it when I'm finished because my life stressors have been so high (real events, not fiction). I will never go back to the place I was at a few months ago. You can do this. No one can just hand you the results; you really have to do ALL the work.
You really can do this.
Where are you on this program?
Session 10 through 13 will show you how to stop that, if you make sure you complete every step of Session 1 - 9, and ALL the homework, including journaling, on your way there. I am now on Session 14. You can read some of my recent posts. Life has been about as difficult as it can get, and I am still doing okay. I haven't skipped any part of this program. I will repeat it when I'm finished because my life stressors have been so high (real events, not fiction). I will never go back to the place I was at a few months ago. You can do this. No one can just hand you the results; you really have to do ALL the work.
You really can do this.
i really hope so
*****************************************
Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.
Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.
It is our light, not our darkness, that frightens us.
We ask ourselves...
who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, and fabulous?
Actually, who are we not to be? --Unknown
*****************************************
[IMG]http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v649/TheOneAndOnlyDerfy/sigsAvatarsEtc/loveyouguysWave.gif[/IMG] [IMG]http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v649/TheOneAndOnlyDerfy/sigsAvatarsEtc/ValHeartsSmiHug.gif[/IMG] [IMG]http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v649/TheOneAndOnlyDerfy/SigTags/LynneCocoaMo-1-1.jpg[/IMG]
Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.
Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.
It is our light, not our darkness, that frightens us.
We ask ourselves...
who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, and fabulous?
Actually, who are we not to be? --Unknown
*****************************************
[IMG]http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v649/TheOneAndOnlyDerfy/sigsAvatarsEtc/loveyouguysWave.gif[/IMG] [IMG]http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v649/TheOneAndOnlyDerfy/sigsAvatarsEtc/ValHeartsSmiHug.gif[/IMG] [IMG]http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v649/TheOneAndOnlyDerfy/SigTags/LynneCocoaMo-1-1.jpg[/IMG]
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Guest
I used to be burried in obsessive thoughts 24/7
and it doesn't help that my mind loves to be creative
Your thoughts are creating an uncomfortable persepctive.
The good news is you can create your own thoughts and create your own perspective.
Think about how you feel about your thoughts
Think of reasons why you would rather think positively.
Write an obsessive thought down and try to reverse it.
Like and do it in 2nd person as if the thoughts were talking to you: "You want to hurt yourself"
Then you respond in first person "I love myself, i would never want to cause myself any pain" ...etc
Obsessive thoughts don't come from the idea area of your brain. Cause it doesn't spark any interest, instead it does the opposite.
You know when you get an idea, like a good dinner to make or a good person to call?
Your brain gives you the motivation to do it.
But when you have obsessive thoughts theres no connection to the brain, but your creativity will make you think there is.
I know it's so easy to dwell.
Once i had trouble breathing
and after an hour it was still there, i started freaking out wondering what was wrong, was i getting asthma, is my heart having a problem, am i getting enough oxygen in my brain?
I ended up stuck monitering my breathing for 3 days in a row.
non stop, well i guess when i was sleeping i didnt.
But the second i woke up, boom i was monitering my breathing again.
I knew i had to get out of this self monitering, it was terrible.
For 3 days i was breathing for myself instead of automaticaly doing it.
that gets pretty exausting
For some reason i thought i had to keep being aware of breathing, in out, in out for 3 days.
I thought i was stuck doing it for the rest of my life!
the 3rd day when i woke up and was still having breathing trouble, i got up and went outside and just ran around the street, seeing if that would get my breathing automatic again.
Well something ended up working, i think i just forgot about it
And i realized i was still breathing!
My body was doing it for me.
It turned out i think my short breathing started when i had some bubbles in my tummy.
Seriously bubbles cause whenever i get that feeling i push down my tummy and make it gargle.
Popping the bubbles, then i can breathe again.
But because of my obsessive thoughts, i thought i had to do the breathing for myself, maybe cause i lost faith in my bodys own natural state.
So yeah, i know what it's like to have obsessive thoughts, day in day out.
Thats just one of my stories
But I also know how to over power them.
I know what they are.
It realy depends on your perspective, you choose which one you want, the one your thoughts are giving you, or the one you want to have.
and it doesn't help that my mind loves to be creative
Your thoughts are creating an uncomfortable persepctive.
The good news is you can create your own thoughts and create your own perspective.
Think about how you feel about your thoughts
Think of reasons why you would rather think positively.
Write an obsessive thought down and try to reverse it.
Like and do it in 2nd person as if the thoughts were talking to you: "You want to hurt yourself"
Then you respond in first person "I love myself, i would never want to cause myself any pain" ...etc
Obsessive thoughts don't come from the idea area of your brain. Cause it doesn't spark any interest, instead it does the opposite.
You know when you get an idea, like a good dinner to make or a good person to call?
Your brain gives you the motivation to do it.
But when you have obsessive thoughts theres no connection to the brain, but your creativity will make you think there is.
I know it's so easy to dwell.
Once i had trouble breathing
and after an hour it was still there, i started freaking out wondering what was wrong, was i getting asthma, is my heart having a problem, am i getting enough oxygen in my brain?
I ended up stuck monitering my breathing for 3 days in a row.
non stop, well i guess when i was sleeping i didnt.
But the second i woke up, boom i was monitering my breathing again.
I knew i had to get out of this self monitering, it was terrible.
For 3 days i was breathing for myself instead of automaticaly doing it.
that gets pretty exausting
For some reason i thought i had to keep being aware of breathing, in out, in out for 3 days.
I thought i was stuck doing it for the rest of my life!
the 3rd day when i woke up and was still having breathing trouble, i got up and went outside and just ran around the street, seeing if that would get my breathing automatic again.
Well something ended up working, i think i just forgot about it
And i realized i was still breathing!
My body was doing it for me.
It turned out i think my short breathing started when i had some bubbles in my tummy.
Seriously bubbles
cause whenever i get that feeling i push down my tummy and make it gargle.Popping the bubbles, then i can breathe again.
But because of my obsessive thoughts, i thought i had to do the breathing for myself, maybe cause i lost faith in my bodys own natural state.
So yeah, i know what it's like to have obsessive thoughts, day in day out.
Thats just one of my stories
But I also know how to over power them.
I know what they are.
It realy depends on your perspective, you choose which one you want, the one your thoughts are giving you, or the one you want to have.
I can relate in alot of ways, I'm terrible for self monitering, and I realize the only reason I'll feel a certain way is because I'm paying soo much attention to it. The other day I read an article about how the people that act on their thoughts are ones that get pleasure from them, get angry urges, and they vividly hear or see things other people don't (this is quite obviously not a form of obsessive compulsive disorder, and if anyone detests please don't tell me!) So I'd moniter any feeling that might be like that, the article made me anxious and worried, and I just kept monitering any feeling that might be similar until I thought that's what was going on, and just fell into this deep hole and felt as though there was no way out, because for sure I was a bad person who would become their thoughts. I don't hear or see things people don't lol, I don't have angry urges, I get frustrated from my thoughts though and I thought maybe that' an angry urge, The pleasure part of it, I thought about when I had sex (embarrasing!) and how could I do such a thing while these thoughts are playing over and over, mind you I couldn't really get into it, and when I would start to i would realize this and then not enjoy it, and after monitering it and monitering it I convinced myself I must like it and have angry urges! Last night though I confronted those two problems, face on, and said ok then if that's the case then get it over with! I'm sick of this! I can't do it anymore I'm tired, If you have an angry urge then whatever lets see how much truth it has, if it's really me then let it out! And nothing was there, and the frustration and everything went away, i was feeling so irratable and depressed before hand and when i confronted it, it just went away, I could feel my body loosen up and my chest wasn't as tight, and when I pat myself on the back for it, it made me cry because I never pat myself on the back or smile about anything, I have incredibly low self esteem. The only thing that kind ruined it for me was thoughts and new thoughts flittering about and me not getting anxious, and the fact that I wasn't interested in really going to my therapist appointment today. Does anyone else get that? like you just don't want to go or talk about it, like you just feel worn and you're going through all this stuff in your head and when you think about talking about it you're just like uuugghhh.
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Guest
I will say that the best way I have gotten over my OCD is by just realizing that I have OCD and accepting it and to realize it never truely goes away.
We are all taught methods as to how to deal with what we have, wether that be OCD, anxiety, depression, ect. We will all have boughts of it again, from time to time. The most important thing to remember is to just accept that you cannot control your thoughts, just let them be there.
We are all taught methods as to how to deal with what we have, wether that be OCD, anxiety, depression, ect. We will all have boughts of it again, from time to time. The most important thing to remember is to just accept that you cannot control your thoughts, just let them be there.
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Guest
Hi jenn, i know exactly how you feel, i believe i have one of the worst cases of ocd but mainly
because i left my ocd untreated for so long. From what you post i believe you can overcome this i recomend you see you doctor and try flovuxamine(luvox) and a very small dose of seroquel, dont be scared of taking seroquel, seroquel works great to reduce the fear that obsessive thoughts cause..I really recomend your on the right dosage of meds before you continue with your cognitive therapy program
because i left my ocd untreated for so long. From what you post i believe you can overcome this i recomend you see you doctor and try flovuxamine(luvox) and a very small dose of seroquel, dont be scared of taking seroquel, seroquel works great to reduce the fear that obsessive thoughts cause..I really recomend your on the right dosage of meds before you continue with your cognitive therapy program
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Guest
Thank you, HowsitGonnaBe. I have found a few sources online that describe this same "fear"/obsession about the breathing. I've been suffering with anxiety and depression since I was nine (I am now 26), and six years ago I thought I was completely "over" everything. Then, about once every year for anywhere from 1 to 3 weeks I would begin with this obsession; it started as "why do I need to breath", "what is breathing", etc.
I am an over-analytical engineer and I constantly feel like I need to understand EVERYTHING. Like, sometimes if I turn on a light bulb I picture what the actual electrons are doing in the wire, how the atoms in the glass bulb are being held together, etc.
Anyways, I don't know why I'm like this, but it makes it very hard to enjoy life sometimes. Much of the time I am fine and able to enjoy God's beauty in this world and I simply ACCEPT things. But I get in these slumps where I think I need to understand everything and question everything around me. The breathing thing was the worst... after I accepted the fact that I need to breath to stay alive, I started obsessing over the fact that I can control my breathing, and THAT scared me! I was (and often still am) afraid that I either will not be able to stop thinking about my breathing, or I will start forcing myself to breath incorrectly, then pass out (or simply be unable to enjoy life).
I actually am a faithful Christian and I find it odd that I am able to question God's design of me, like I don't trust that he made me correctly because I have the ability to affect the important function of breathing.
I keep getting better and accepting my body, and I am often able to ignore all self-monitoring. However, I need to develop the tools necessary to prevent this over-analytical thinking in the future. It really stinks! Am I alone here???
I am an over-analytical engineer and I constantly feel like I need to understand EVERYTHING. Like, sometimes if I turn on a light bulb I picture what the actual electrons are doing in the wire, how the atoms in the glass bulb are being held together, etc.
Anyways, I don't know why I'm like this, but it makes it very hard to enjoy life sometimes. Much of the time I am fine and able to enjoy God's beauty in this world and I simply ACCEPT things. But I get in these slumps where I think I need to understand everything and question everything around me. The breathing thing was the worst... after I accepted the fact that I need to breath to stay alive, I started obsessing over the fact that I can control my breathing, and THAT scared me! I was (and often still am) afraid that I either will not be able to stop thinking about my breathing, or I will start forcing myself to breath incorrectly, then pass out (or simply be unable to enjoy life).
I actually am a faithful Christian and I find it odd that I am able to question God's design of me, like I don't trust that he made me correctly because I have the ability to affect the important function of breathing.
I keep getting better and accepting my body, and I am often able to ignore all self-monitoring. However, I need to develop the tools necessary to prevent this over-analytical thinking in the future. It really stinks! Am I alone here???
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Guest
HowsitGonnaBe, I have a concern I was hoping you could give me some insight on. Relative to the breathing obsession... I am afraid to listen to the Relaxation tape that came with the Overcoming Anxiety and Depression package. Lucinda says you should listen to it at LEAST once a day and she recommends to use it to help teach yourself how to relax in any situation. However, I'm afraid it's going to teach deep breathing, or just a concentration on breathing, which I'm trying to stop!!!
Do you have any advice for me? Have you listend to the relaxation tape/CD? Has it increased your anxiety about your breathing, or were you already overcoming this obsession before listening to it? I'm afraid it will make me feel worse and teach me to put all of my focus on every breath I take!
By the way, I think the breathing thing has a lot to do with control, at least for me. I didn't have the worst childhood, but some events caused me to have to become an adult at a very young age. I remember since I was 10, even though I was extremely agoraphobic, which I hid, all I hoped for was one day having a job, having my own house and being in control of my own life where no one could tell me what to do and where I could protect myself. I hate being told what to do at work and in my personal life.
Anyways, I think that if it weren't breathing, I would obsess about some other bodily function because I want to be in control. I don't know if this is really the cause, but it feels probable that it is. But when I let my thinking go to far, I switch from thinking "oh, silly, you're obsessing about your breathing again", to a state of confusion and separation from reality. It's this "crossover" that I fear; I worry that a passing obsessive thought will bring me back to a depersonalized state that I have only experienced twice.
When I do start falling into this trap I begin to question everything. I wonder how my bddy is functioning, how my thoughts actually occur, how nuerons transfer throughout my body, etc. My counselor recommended to me that whenever I have a question like this, I should research the answer. For instance, if I were to say, "how do eyes work?", I should go to a natinal organization's website and learn about the different parts of the eye, how light is transmitted into images, and how our brain processes light. HOWEVER, I'm afraid that if I do this, I'll just spiral out of control with more questions that NO ONE can answer, like "what does a light particle look like?", "how does a molecule in the eye actually feel the different wavelengths?", or some other questions that could go beyond human understanding. I mean, humans "accept" that there are electrons, protons and atoms, but what do they consist of?
Continuing off topic from my original questions and comments, I also get extreme anxiety sometimes when I think about life and individual humans. What makes us think differently and like different things? What gives us our individual personalities, on a scientific level? I think this is SO STRANGE that I ponder this because I do believe in God and I wonder if he sees this as me not trusting him!
I also only get in these extremely analytical states of mind maybe once a year, which starts with the breathing obsession that I discussed at the beginning. Then I just let my mind continue with the deep analysis of EVERYTHING and I can't stop. If I don't get into this almost depersonalized state, the breathing obsession will turn into depression because I fear I will never overcome it and it will always be lingering there like a rain cloud waiting to pour on me at any moment.
Once in a while I also get general depression, usually about body image (which is funny, now that I'm in a clear state of mind for the moment) because I am tall and athletic, but I am able to find so many imperfections on my body that I fear my boyfriend will see. Then I get so depressed that I actually don't like the taste of food for a few days (even though I'll still eat), and my stomach becomes so bloated with gas. I also get depressed about the future, wondering if two people really can fall and stay in love forever, and whether or not raising children in this world is something I am ever supposed to do.
I'm not asking anyone to answer these questions, I just wanted to share for the first time how I sometimes think and feel. I want to understand everything, and I really wonder if all of these things are control issues. I always feel like I need to protect myself from I don't know what! I just want to RELAX and enjoy life like I sometimes do. It's like I have the window of happiness cracked and I can see some light coming through, but the minor setbacks I experience cause it to not open any further. I do this to myself.
Thanks for listening.
Do you have any advice for me? Have you listend to the relaxation tape/CD? Has it increased your anxiety about your breathing, or were you already overcoming this obsession before listening to it? I'm afraid it will make me feel worse and teach me to put all of my focus on every breath I take!
By the way, I think the breathing thing has a lot to do with control, at least for me. I didn't have the worst childhood, but some events caused me to have to become an adult at a very young age. I remember since I was 10, even though I was extremely agoraphobic, which I hid, all I hoped for was one day having a job, having my own house and being in control of my own life where no one could tell me what to do and where I could protect myself. I hate being told what to do at work and in my personal life.
Anyways, I think that if it weren't breathing, I would obsess about some other bodily function because I want to be in control. I don't know if this is really the cause, but it feels probable that it is. But when I let my thinking go to far, I switch from thinking "oh, silly, you're obsessing about your breathing again", to a state of confusion and separation from reality. It's this "crossover" that I fear; I worry that a passing obsessive thought will bring me back to a depersonalized state that I have only experienced twice.
When I do start falling into this trap I begin to question everything. I wonder how my bddy is functioning, how my thoughts actually occur, how nuerons transfer throughout my body, etc. My counselor recommended to me that whenever I have a question like this, I should research the answer. For instance, if I were to say, "how do eyes work?", I should go to a natinal organization's website and learn about the different parts of the eye, how light is transmitted into images, and how our brain processes light. HOWEVER, I'm afraid that if I do this, I'll just spiral out of control with more questions that NO ONE can answer, like "what does a light particle look like?", "how does a molecule in the eye actually feel the different wavelengths?", or some other questions that could go beyond human understanding. I mean, humans "accept" that there are electrons, protons and atoms, but what do they consist of?
Continuing off topic from my original questions and comments, I also get extreme anxiety sometimes when I think about life and individual humans. What makes us think differently and like different things? What gives us our individual personalities, on a scientific level? I think this is SO STRANGE that I ponder this because I do believe in God and I wonder if he sees this as me not trusting him!
I also only get in these extremely analytical states of mind maybe once a year, which starts with the breathing obsession that I discussed at the beginning. Then I just let my mind continue with the deep analysis of EVERYTHING and I can't stop. If I don't get into this almost depersonalized state, the breathing obsession will turn into depression because I fear I will never overcome it and it will always be lingering there like a rain cloud waiting to pour on me at any moment.
Once in a while I also get general depression, usually about body image (which is funny, now that I'm in a clear state of mind for the moment) because I am tall and athletic, but I am able to find so many imperfections on my body that I fear my boyfriend will see. Then I get so depressed that I actually don't like the taste of food for a few days (even though I'll still eat), and my stomach becomes so bloated with gas. I also get depressed about the future, wondering if two people really can fall and stay in love forever, and whether or not raising children in this world is something I am ever supposed to do.
I'm not asking anyone to answer these questions, I just wanted to share for the first time how I sometimes think and feel. I want to understand everything, and I really wonder if all of these things are control issues. I always feel like I need to protect myself from I don't know what! I just want to RELAX and enjoy life like I sometimes do. It's like I have the window of happiness cracked and I can see some light coming through, but the minor setbacks I experience cause it to not open any further. I do this to myself.
Thanks for listening.