Such confusion

lateralus_jenn · Post by **lateralus_jenn** » Sat Oct 11, 2008 8:59 pm

Does anyone feel like you're not well, you're so lost and obviously not happy, but at the same time you feel like fine? I'm so lost and confused, I have scary intrusive images and have had them for months, but I just get so confused with it. I suppose I've gotten a little better, I used to have to pause while I talked because a thought would come in and I'd have to change it so that it wouldn't be as bad, and I still pause just not as much, and that kind of throws me off, or a thought will come in and or I'll see something that reminds me of it and it won't seem as weird or it won't bother me as much, and I think well what does that mean, but then I know what it means, it just means that I'm getting over it. I don't know how to explain what I'm going through, it's like I feel sound and in tune, but then I'm a mess and just out of it. I feel depressed but like...not depressed if that makes sense. I keep thinking I'm different in some way, or I don't have ocd, but then that's ocd thinking, I have no clue! I'm just all over the place! Last night, I was in bed with my boyfriend, and he said I can tell you're getting better and I'm really happy, and it just shook everything. It's kind of like I just go on all day obsessing but coping, and then when he says that it kind of brings me back to me having an initial problem so it just knocked me out of it, I started going what if I'm not ok, what if I'm losing my mind and I'm ok with it, because it seems like it but I know that I'm not. Sometimes when I say ok will anything happen this second? (I do this when my mind tries to convince me I'm going to hurt someone or something) and I say no, but the back of my mind tries to say otherwise, and I keep saying no until I'm ok, or I think, ok, for the second i spent saying "no" did anything happen other than a sabotaging voice? I'm just so lost! It's like I want to describe everything I'm feeling, or things or thoughts that I would think a few days ago or something and I just don't even know what to say, or I'm too worried to say it in fear that it will confirm me being a looney, but then I feel like a loony for not saying it. God I don't understand! Someone help! This is the weirdest thing for me, it's like I feel sane but totally insane at the same time, Or I'm about to lose my mind any minute but then I realize I won't, or I'll combine the two sometimes and think that I'm sane and ok with being insane, like I'm ok with being bad, and UUUGGHHH!!!! Pleeeease tell me someone can relate??? I don't understand what's going on, like a month or so ago, I had days where I would wake up with no thoughts, or one day I felt so positive I was going to get over this, I asked myself from the bottom of my heart if I was this person I've conjured up in my mind, and I confidently said no and had happy images in my mind come in, and I don't even want to ask myself that same question because I don't want to feel differently, and my mind is telling me that if I do I will hear something bad.

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Sun Oct 12, 2008 1:24 am

I'm brand new to this just ordered the program yesterday. But I can relate to what you are saying. I get anxious and confused and sometimes think I'm loosing my mind, then I see what people really do that loose their mind and realize I'm not that bad.
I just scare myself with negative thoughts and bad outcomes of stuff that has not happened, I feel overwhelmed at work that no matter how I try I won't get anything good done. I know I'm not giving you good advise, but just wanted you to know someone is listening and understands.

Scott

rose_thorn98 · Post by **rose_thorn98** » Sun Oct 12, 2008 2:18 am

Jenn, i can relate to this totally. I know it's difficult to describe and you feel like no one can understand. I have had scary, obsessive thoughts for so long about hurting myself, which started my depression. But recently my thoughts have been of hurting others and like i am at a point in my depression where I am like, "i know i would never do this" but at the same time i dont even really care that i have the thought so then i am thinking i am actually a bad person. Then sometimes im like, well if i am a bad person, theres nothing i can do. I can relate so much to the losing the mind thing. I feel like i am constantly on edge and about to snap. I dont feel like i am in reality most days. But like you said, somedays i wake up feeling great, wondering if this is who i really am. then a couple hours later, i will get a thought and be convinced that this is me, an evil person. I dont have much advice but to just keep going with this program, and understand that aany evil person wouldnt seek out for help. We are such loving people deep down inside, and we are just searching for ourselves. I just wanted to let you know that i can relate so much to how you are feeling, so you are not alone. Just keep trying to stay positive and reaffirming who you really are. Good luck with everything

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Sun Oct 12, 2008 10:08 am

yes, this is just the strangest part of the ocd for me. Atleast in the beginning, when I look back, I had the anxiety and crying spells and I think I've sort of made that out to myself as something you HAVE to do in order to know that a thought is bothering you? Because when a new thought or Image comes in, I get tense and uncomfortable but I don't get anxious or cry so then it always makes me wonder. Or a thought will mix in with an emotion I'll be feeling over something totally different, for instance, If I get happy because...I don't know..my boyfriend does something cute or funny, a thought will pop in at the same time, or if I get moody or pissy, a thought will come in and that's the worst because it makes me feel like I'm an angry bad person. uuugh I don't know, I just want to be myself again, and at times I can feel it, or I get a sense that I'm not too far from it, but it gets mixed into the way I feel now and it's all just way too confusing, please tell me that this part doesn't last long

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Sun Oct 12, 2008 11:58 am

Jenn:

I'm glad you did this post because I feel this way every now and again, but not everyday. It's so confusing, it seems that you can get lost in your thoughts. But, that's basically what obsessing and anxiety is all about. Maybe in a way, we are a little lost and just trying to reaffirm who we are in this world. It will be okay, just work through the thoughts and try to do the relaxation cd, even if it makes you squirmy. You can do it girl!

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Sun Oct 12, 2008 12:23 pm

I didn't even know I had certain "symptoms" until I started listening to the tapes. Then I realized there were so many things that I did that I considered "normal" until I heard it on the tapes and realized I am not supposed to feel that way, think that way or act that way. There were also serveral things I couldn't explain and was always to embarrassed to admit, like, terrible thoughts and images in my head. I was always fearful that the reason I was thinking them was because I wanted them to happen or worse, I would be the reason they happened. But, you visualize these things because your body and mind immediately go to the worst possible scenario. It's all part of our conditions. I know exactly how you feel when you say that no matter how hard you try it's difficult to get them out of your head. It's ok that we have these issues. There are things in our lives that have lead us here. But, more importantly we have the resources to get better! I encourage you to find someone who is full of faith! I have stumbled upon a hand full of people who are loaded with faith and positive energy. They are truly addictive to be around. Thay have shown me that God really wants us to be happy. And it's been motivation to due this course. Faith was definately something I wasn't worried about in my early 20's but I now realize that life is too big for me to handle alone. And the best part is, you're not supposed to. I recommend reading "Battlefield of the Mind" by Joyce Meyer. All of her books are uplifting and truthful. She speaks from experience. The road we're on is not an easy one and we can all agree that we wouldn't wish this on our worst enemies. Please don't get discouraged and it's ok to be scared. The first day that I listened to the tapes and had to admit that I could relate with almost everything that people were admitting to was very frighening for me. But, it's part of it. We're all going to conquer this! Don't forget to be thankful. Be thankful for the program, this website and the fact that God wants you to be happy. I'm learning to be thankful for every little thing in each of my days. It will only empower you on your journey. The more positive that you can put in your head, the less room there is for negative. I promise! I'll be thinking of you!

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Tue Oct 14, 2008 12:45 am

Good Morning =) I am sorry to hear of your troubles. I have the same thing as you. I call mine Pure O as I do not have compulsions.

Everyone has scary obsessive thoughts and it is said that the average person has 4,000 thoughts a day, 1/2 of those are at random! Amazing.

I bought this program a year ago and have finished it. It is amazing at helping you see what is going on and how you have the power to change your life!

When I get a bad thought now I just let it be there and go on. The more power you give to them the worse they become. Please remeber that, that is half your battle =)