I'm wrtiting to get my thoughts out of my system cause I have obsessive scary thoughts.
I used to have OCD but no one knows about it, it was my secret habit that I kept it for years.
actually I used to do rituals so I wont keep thinking "IT" so If I see something bad I should quickly see something good to have my brain rest.
but before 2 years from now It struck something I cannot do, I said what If this thought thatI cannot do gets stuck in my brain, there is no way out ( ritually speaking) so I had anxiety attack for a full day being afraid that this idea will be stuck inside and wont let me enjoy a day in my life, I then realised that I have reached the biggest highiest level of fear that causes ocd, I was doing habits to relax myself but I was just shutting my windows for not seeing the monster outside. this thing that happened to just kicked me out from the house that I was making a shelter to the wild, to see myself side to side with the monster that I always lived afraid from, I kept defending myself so hard but the monster wasint attack but he was scaring me from away untill I stood still and said, ok then what? Im tired and nothing wrong is happening? suddenly the dark wild woods became a beautifull valley and the sun is shining now, the only thing makes me think now is regreting that I didn't do that a long time ago. it was like delivery.very hard but yet gave a birth for a new life.
sometimes It makes me sit with anxious thought that I didn't do anything to take it off maybe it will struck me back hard, I cannot forget it and I still obsess about how afraid I was but I it's not giving me any panics or anxiety attacks, it's just there.
I was so afraid from depression, anxiety didn't change mylife, instead it gave me life and made me realise covering up will make me blind of seeing beauty.
I don't care if life is short or long, I am enjoying the seconds and I still have obsessive thoughts, I don't want them to go away,,Ironically they remind me of my triumph. the monster is my friend and the SLAVE BECOMEs THE MASTER now.
my brain is balanced, I have dark areas and white areas and I roam within, used to be clustephobic now You see me sing in traffic jams, I used to be scared to hear serieal killers story now I don't care. I used to be afraid from going crazy now I say what gods wrote to me to live I will live it, the future is not in my hand and the past has gone, all I can change is this second.
Cured, ocd-anxiety is not a flu, cured doesn't mean you will wash it out of your brain, it is not a stain that will go away, if this is what they call cure then I will hit my brain to have memory loss and live
but I leared the very hard way that there's a thin line between being afraid and calm down, Logic didn't help cause if it does I am the master of living logically, what worked well is facing thing out.anxiety is like octupus with puppets on each tenticle, each puppet is your anxiety and fears, you keep consentrating on those puppets and forgetting that the big head is your deal.
you learn from your past and like they say, what doesn't kill you makes you stronger.
relapse!!!been there done that, it also gave me depression sometimes to have it, but at least it's better than being 24/7 afraid. and it builds muscles in your brain.
it's you tax of growing.
this all was from the heart, and I wrote it with the " monster" beside me with a leash on him that says "history"
Rock on Yall
I wish everyone who reads this will get well and live life to the maxx, be sensitive yet let it make you strong, it's VERY hard, but the end result is worth it.