Another HOCD post and a history of my OCD... please help

MarkCal1287 · Post by **MarkCal1287** » Mon Mar 09, 2009 7:38 pm

All my life I've loved women,I remember specifically the first sexual thought I ever had about a specific person. t was this substitute teacher I had in like 2nd or 3rd grade. She was from Ireland and had this long beautiful red hair. I don't even wanna get started on the legs.... Anyway I've had OCD as long as I can remember, I used to walk down to this used record store about a half mile from my house and every time i stepped on a crack in the sidewalk or a space in between sidewalk panels I'd then have to step on the next crack with the opposite foot as the one before it. I once had this fear that I sold my soul, and in order to calm that obsession I started repeating "I don't want to sell my soul I love Jesus" and this created a new obsession.... saying "I don't want to sell my soul I love Jesus" over and over and over and over. That one landed me in my first psychologists chair. I once obsessed that I might have AIDS, this was very odd seeing as I had never had a sexual encounter at this point in my life thus making this a virtually impossibility. When the big Mad cow disease scare happened in the 90's I feared I had ecoli poisoning and would actually stop myself from going to the bathroom for fear of having blood in my stool. Also, I've had the obsessive thoughts about hurting myself or others.

A few weeks ago I became very ill with a stomach virus, and having GERD it was especially terrible. I couldn't eat, I was so tired, and I had no desire for sex. As I started to get better my friends wanted to come over because they hadn't seen me in almost 2 weeks. While they were over I got an awkward sexual thought in my head concerning one of them, it made me so uncomfortable and anxious that I told them I wasn't feeling well and asked them to leave. Since then I've been playing these homo-erotic images in my mind trying to figure out weather I was gay or not. In the past I had images like this go through my mind, and they immediately would make me grimace. Now, I constantly question everything I do to see if it makes me gay. From the way I talk to the way I stand and walk. The way I hold my arms, the way I look at other people, the way I do nearly everything. It's debilitating, and the anxiety gets so bad sometimes that I have no choice but to break down and cry. Sometimes the images persist so long that I become physically sickened by them, to where I'm gagging or actually vomiting. I can't look at my male friends without trying to see whether or not I'm attracted to them. There had been times in the past when I was having sex and the girl wanted me to finish, so I would close my eyes and try to think of things that would make me finish, like pornstars doing perverted things and such. There had been times that imagined homosexual things to help me as well. I know his doesn't make me gay, but it fuels my current obsession. I've always had a sexual obsession, I constantly looked at porn and masturbated. I had an obsession with taboo things in general, incest porn, animal porn, anal porn. Never gay porn though, that just made me feel awkward, as do they gay thoughts. I just don't know what to do anymore with it, I'm actually almost convincing myself that I've always been gay and I just hid it deep down. This can't be true though, because I've always loved women, and wanted girls to find me attractive. No amount of reassurance seems to help though. This makes sex less satisfying now because I constantly question and test myself during it. The constant testing and checking I do in my mind is driving me batty. Please someone out there help me, it's causing me so much anxiety and depression that I sometimes feel that I don't want to live anymore.

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Wed Mar 11, 2009 9:30 am

Sorry Mark. You sound so desperate. I really think you need to go to a good counselor that specializes with this type of disorder. Also I think you need to be on anti-depressants if you are not on them already. You are making yourself sick just by your thoughts alone. Please get the help you need. I am sorry I cannot offer anymore than I've said here because this is really new to me.

Hoping you find your way....
Leopolda

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Wed Mar 11, 2009 10:07 am

Thank you for replying, I am desperate you're right. My insurance should kick-in in about 2 months or so and I will be heading to a counselor. If anyone out there knows how I could look up a good OCD specializing therapist in my area let me know, because I don't know how to look that type of thing up.

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Wed Mar 11, 2009 11:17 am

This is so confusing, I can't figure out whether or not I'm gay. i remember just thinking about having sex with my gf would make me aroused, now nothing seems to make me aroused ever since this started a few weeks ago. I don't dream about men, and I only get the awkward images in my head when I put them there to see if they tun me on. I never get an erection or anything though, just an awkwad feeling from my crotch all the way to my chest, and an anxiety like feeling. I've always noticed guys, but I've always also noticed girls. Maybe I'm bi? I have no idea, this is so confusing.I don't want to be gay though, that much I know. I've always been extremely analytical, that may be why I'm thinking so far into this. Please someone out there give me some insight into this.

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Wed Mar 11, 2009 4:32 pm

Hello, Mark, read what I'm saying intently. This "gay obsession" is quite common amongst those who suffer. You have Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder (OCD), and there is hope. I've been tormented by OCD for over thirty years, and I've got it under control with the use of medicine. After all, OCD is a medical disorder. A classification of drugs called SSRIs are very useful. There is also a behavior therapy called Exposure-Response and Prevention in which the client faces his fears and becomes desensitized; this therapy is also called "flooding." OCD is an anxiety disorder. Obsessions (thoughts) usually lead to compulsions (actions to alleviate the anxiety). I had only had obsessions. ...I would offer you reassurance, but reassurance only alleviates the symptoms momentarily--and then the symptoms roar back into consciousness. I appreciate your pain. Don't give up. You could read a book called The Boy Who Couldn't Stop Washing and Edna Foa's Stop Obsessing! The latter is more hands-on, describing methods to eradicate the obsessive mind. I run an OCD support group. I never thought my pain would end. I wanted to die. Now it's different. I still get obsessive thoughts...but they don't stick, thank God. I think Lucinda's course could help you on some levels, yet you need the proper therapy--medical and psychological--to get through to the other side. If you have any questions, post them, and I'll be glad to answer. One other thing: there is an organization called the OCD Foundation based in CT. It is a good resource center; it also provides an excellent newsletter. Remember, you are not alone. I'm wishing you the best.

Scott

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Wed Mar 11, 2009 6:53 pm

Thank you very much Scott, I appreciate any feed back i get. I know deep down what's right, but it gets to the point where I think "If this is so persistent than it must be true." I know people who suffer from this make up false memories and insane what-if's about their obsessions. I hate that, it's like I can't trust myself anymore. I'm not always like this though, I go months, sometimes years without any obsessions that stop my normal daily life from going on. This one is one of the big ones though. Probably because it's such a scary and confusing issue.I almost want to believe it thinking that would make it go away. I tried believing it however and well, as you can see I'm still here writing. Thank you for your support, I will be trying to get help, and once again if you or anyone out there knows how i can find an OCD specialist in my area, let me know. I pray for the few times a day that this subsides, though the whole time I'm nervous waiting for it to come back. I've been doing things I know I shouldn't, like avoidance and double triple and quadruple mental checking. I think I'm getting a little better on my own though thanks to all the people who've shared their stories. I know how hard it was for them and I appreciate all of them also. Thank you.

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Mon Mar 16, 2009 3:02 pm

Hi Mark!

You are not alone! I too have had these obsessive thoughts, but mine seem to change. One week I will be freaked out that I am getting schizophrenia, then the next it will be something totally different. I seem to question everything about myself. There are lots of other posts on here about HOCD...you should check them out...they have really helped me. Check out ocdonline.com...go to articles by Dr. Steven Phillipson and read "I think it moved"...it is very helpful! Just remember...these are toughts...only thoughts! And EVERYONE has odd thoughts! Also, I did a study in college about physical attraction. In my research, I found some articles that talked about people's attention to possible mates and possible rivals. They results of the study showed that people give just as much attention to rivals if not more than they do to possible mates! So it's ok to check out people of the same sex! You're just sizing yourself up! Take care and feel better! We are all here for you!

~Michelle~ · Post by **~Michelle~** » Mon Mar 16, 2009 7:29 pm

Thanks for the reply, I've been hearing a lot about this "I think it moved" thing, I will definitely check it out. I have improved drastically over the past few days and I think I'm getting out of my current "fit". For me it seems every few months or so I have an extreme episode and it's usually over something different each time. I obsess about that thing, then I desensitize myself to it and move on. Only problem is, is that after a few months it will be something new. Though there have been things that have bothered me repetitively. More than likely because the first few times they happened I didn't fully realize that it was my OCD. There are multiple things I do on a consistent basis (nail biting, teeth grinding in rhythmic patterns, occasional twitching due to unwanted thoughts. It is extremely manageable for me however.

Angla · Post by **Angla** » Thu Mar 19, 2009 8:08 am

Blah! I was doing so good for the past 3 days... then boom, last night i got smacked with it again like a ton of bricks. I can't stand this, it feels like life isn't even worth living. Constantly questioning my thoughts, constantly worrying, always looking for reassurances. I'm so tired mentally, I just can't take it. It's making me physically ill.

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Thu Mar 19, 2009 3:25 pm

Hi Mark,

The paradoxical thing about obsessive thoughts is the more you try to resist them the more power you give them.

There are 2 great books that I have found very helpful.

The Imp of the Mind

I can't rememebr the title of the second one, but it is by David Burns and has panic/anxiety in it's title.

The Obessive Compulsive Foundation is also a good resource.

Robert