HIV anxiety????

scared&confused · Post by **scared&confused** » Sat Jan 26, 2008 1:35 am

I was just wondering if anyone else out there has HIV anxiety? I absolutely hate living w/ myself everyday. It's exhausting. There is always a new exposure. I'm getting therapy 1 x week but no meds. I'm so scared. I've been afraid of touching doorknobs (I have touched 1 recently that had blood on it), lightswitches (touched 1 recently that had blood on it). I have a difficult time shopping b/c if I see something red on the ground in the parking lot, it's blood. I'm afraid of everything b/c of HIV. I've had test after test, all neg. but I feel like everyday there is something new to worry about. Last night, at Wal-Mart, I picked up a pair of shoes and felt like something stuck my finger (I had my gloves on of course) but there was no blood and no puncture mark. I went on w/ my shopping and had to go back before leaving to make sure there wasn't a needle in the shoe. After I did that, I felt some better. Got home, thought maybe the needle was in the box. I had to get up at 1:00 a.m. and go to wal-mart and make sure there wasn't a needle in the box. Well, you could tell the woman that works the dept. must have straightened up the shoes b4 she left... needless to say, no needle but now I wonder, did she find a needle while cleaning and took it out of the box, therefore, I wouldn't see it when I went back to check? This is killing me and I don't know what else to do? Any suggestions? Does this sound like OCD, obsession only, hypochondria (I do tend to worry about cancer if HIV isn't a threat that day for some reason). Any answers much appreciated!

diva · Post by **diva** » Sat Jan 26, 2008 1:47 am

When you experience the obsessive part of OCD or scary thoughts it seems that when one obsessive worry dissipates another is right around the corner to take its place. I think the brain will just get stuck on anything that fears you the most. HIV is obviously your scariest thought right now and yes I do believe this is OCD you have. Its the same tools for every form of OCD....accept the thought in your experience and distract yourself by doing something else. You accept it as ok to be in your experience but you keep living your life as usual. Eventually it does go away when you can truly let the thought be there. Its a process and I'm still mastering it myself this time around. I've dealt with OCD off and on for years in periods of high stress in my life and it does go away after a while. Keep pressing on but I hope it gives you comfort that it is OCD you are dealing with. Learn as much as you can about the disorder and you will work past it. Hope that helps

diva · Post by **diva** » Sat Jan 26, 2008 1:51 am

Also, you are experience not just obsessive but compulsiveness too. The thought you have that maybe there really was a needle is the obsessive part...driving back to the store to check is the compulsion. Think of the compulsion as the behavior part. That's the first to work on. Behavior is what you can control. Thoughts you have to let be.

eager learner · Post by **eager learner** » Sat Jan 26, 2008 1:58 am

Scared & confused,

HIV can only be contracted through blood and body fluids. You would have to have a cut on you hand or be splashed in the face and it getting into your eyes, nose, or mouth. HIV does not live on surfaces. Dried blood on a surface is no threat either, the virus can not survive.
HIV is not that easy to contract. I have been working in the health care field for 20 years, and have worked with many HIV positive people, and have not contracted it. The surest way to contract HIV is through unprotected sex with many different partners. I hope that this has helped you. you are in my prayers.

scared&confused · Post by **scared&confused** » Sat Jan 26, 2008 2:07 am

I just get so exhausted living everyday. I'm not suicidal since my biggest fear really is dying (I think) but most days I just don't want to even get out of bed. I simply don't feel like I can take another day like this. I've researched OCD, read books and it almost feels like nothing is going to help make it better. I'm so tired of living this way. It's causing marital problems. I constantly have to ask my spouse, "could I get HIV this way?", "is there a cut on my hand?", "do you see a hole like a needle mark that I could have sat on at the restaurant that would be in the seat?". I constantly need reassurance. Now, the big thing is this wal-mart trip... There is no reassurance that I can get b/c maybe there was a needle in the shoe box and someone removed b4 I went back to check. What made me feel this little pain in my finger when I went to pick up the shoe? This is almost the last straw!!!! I don't know what else I can deal with. Everything (each new exposure) seems to be worse than the last and keep in mind, there's several every day!!!!

scared&confused · Post by **scared&confused** » Sat Jan 26, 2008 4:01 am

Does anyone know why some of us obsess over HIV and cancer instead of hurting others or ourselves? I know that I can control my actions. I once had the obsession that I too would hurt someone else but in listening to the tapes I realized the very fact that it scared me let me know that I would never do it and that pretty much eased my mind but now.... I have gotten on this HIV thing and can't seem to get over it. It's like HIV is always there waiting to get me. I'm so afraid and I don't know how to get over it. How do you really know when a fear is "irrational"... they all seem rational to me but to everyone else they're irrational. What's wrong w/ my brain that I can't see how irrational I'm being?

scared&confused · Post by **scared&confused** » Sat Jan 26, 2008 4:05 am

I should probably mention that i had an affair a few months ago and I'm trying now to work my marriage out but I'm still not happy. The same thing I left the marriage for is still there. I just wonder if the "HIV Scare" is because of the stigma that goes w/ having an affair? Or maybe I'm not dealing w/ the guilt? Or... could it be that I'm punishing myself? My therapist seems to think all of them but IDK???? It's interesting that I developed this fear after having an affair, ya think? Oh, I have been tested as previously posted and all tests were negative up to a year afterwards.

christinepsc · Post by **christinepsc** » Sat Jan 26, 2008 4:24 am

I just wanted to add that HIV lives in blood exposed to air for only 30 seconds.

aunavoz · Post by **aunavoz** » Sat Jan 26, 2008 4:39 am

Just curious. When did this fear of HIV started or shall I say what caused it?.

scared&confused · Post by **scared&confused** » Sat Jan 26, 2008 4:49 am

It started when I had an affair. I saw the other person for about 5 years and felt that they were the answers to all my prayers. This person was a great person and made me feel special and loved like I had never been loved b4! We left our marriages and moved in together after a while of being "separated" from our spouses and then the changes started. Bugging my phone, having me followed, checking up on me, breaking into my house, verbal, mental and physical abuse. My spouse wanted to work things out so I went back home... shouldn't have I guess but thought it was best for the kids. Then.... the beast (anxiety) reared it's ugly head. I have gone through it since. The HIV phobia, cancer, losing my mind, thoughts racing, fear, fear, fear. I just can't seem to shake this HIV thing though. I feel as though (if you read my first post), that I have now really been exposed because of this feeling in my finger and now I've convinced myself that I was stuck by a needle in the shoe box at Wal-Mart. I have felt all day like this is the beginning of the end of my life. I so badly don't want to feel this way anymore. My therapist says that the one person I trusted in my whole life betrayed me and it hurts so bad that I'm using this phobia to distract me from thinking about the end of the relationship because the end of the relationship is scarier to me than this phobia, so apparently I'm distracting myself!