afraid of this ruining my life

missobsessive · Post by **missobsessive** » Sun Apr 04, 2010 3:57 pm

I suffer from lots of obsessive thoughts...i pretty much diagnosed myself with being pure-o. It's been beating down on me for quite some time now. I'm 25 and single. I've been in relationships before...one for almost 4 years (when I was in high school/beginning college before all this anxiety/ocd stuff started), my next relationship was when it all started (I had no idea what was wrong with me...thought I was going crazy and all that fun stuff...but then started to obsess that something was wrong or weird about my boyfriend and I could hardly even be around him). Then that relationship ended because of that (other reasons too, but pretty much because of that). Then I was working through the program and going to school full time too, and began a new relationship with a really great guy. I was a little self conscious about my new anxiety 'issue', but was sure I would get past it and everything would be ok. I was head over heels for that guy, and actually moved 1,000+ miles away to be with him. During that time (almost a year) all my obsessive thinking was completely GONE. Then when I was thinking that I was starting my life with him and everything was wonderful, those old anxiety feelings started coming back from the relationship I was in when all of this started and I had those strange feeling/obsessions that there was something weird/wrong with my boyfriend and it was hard for me to be around him normally like I was before. I recognized it right away and thought "ok...this is a growth spurt, I know what this is" and I started to try to work my way through it and recognize the thoughts for what they were. But then I went through a major trauma in my life...my mom passed away. So that made me a complete emotional disaster for a long time. Long story short, I couldn't get past those weird feelings around my boyfriend, moved back home, and ended the relationship. I haven't dated anyone in a while, trying to just focus on taking care of myself in dealing with the grief. I was doing better when the one year anniversary of my mom passing away came around, and I went back downhill

majorly obsessing about all kinds of stuff for a while. It hasn't let up too much, and I've decided that I need to be more proactive about it instead of just sitting down and letting it torment me.

But lately I've been thinking about the boyfriend issues I've had because of this obsessing and how it screws up my relationships. All I can think about now is that this problem is going to ruin my life and keep me from having long term relationships because I'm eventually going to start obsessing that something is wrong with whoever I'm dating even though I can't put my finger on it. It makes me feel really detached from the person. I'm crying because my fear is that I'm never going to be able to carry on a relationship, never get married, never have a family because of all of this.

Then I think well I just need to work the program and any other therapies to get the obsessions under control, then I'll be able to have the life I've always dreamed of. I've ALWAYS dreamed of getting married and having a family, what my house will look like, etc. All that daydreaming stuff girls do.

That sounds good to me at first, but then I start to think about people knowing I had this issue. Or guys knowing I have it. Who is going to want to be in a relationship with someone who has this problem?

I really don't want to offend anyone here, this is just what has been going through my head. And I just had a little cry session over it. I'm so afraid that no one is going to want me because of this. Especially because lately I feel like it's taken so much of 'me' away. If I start dating someone and say 'Oh by the way, I have pure-o ocd and have obsessive thinking until my brain feels like it's in a knot so tight it's just gonna pop,' I'm gonna scare them away!!!

Or even if I go through any and all the treatments for it and do overcome it, I still can't imagine telling someone this.

Guy: "So tell me about yourself, I wanna know all about you..."

Me: "Ohhh well for the past however long, I've been in therapy for ocd."

Hmmm....

Again, I really don't want to offend anyone or bring anything down...This is just what has been haunting me...

Is it really possible to overcome this and to have self esteem again??? All of this has really hurt my level of self love...

Trying to feel better about this...

EddyJ · Post by **EddyJ** » Wed Apr 07, 2010 4:29 am

It is very possible to overcome this. It takes time patience and hard work but it can be done.

I have seen steady improvement in about 4 months. I have been seeing an OCD specialist for about 2 months. She tells me people get better sometimes to a point where they don't even have the thoughts anymore. And most people get to the point where IF they have a thought, they shrug it off and move on and let go just like the average person who does not have ocd does.

But stop projecting about how your life may be in about 5 years. Think about right now. If this is holding you back from something right now, well work on that right now. That way in 5 years you won;t need to worry about it.

And realistically when you meet someone and they ask you so tell me about yourself you usually say things like where you are from and what your passions are right?

People don't usually say Hi I am steve i have a staph infection. Try and see the humor in some of these obsessions and understand you will get better. This program gave me a wonderful foundation. It built confidence, a great attitude and motivation to seek out a specialists to help me with the issues I still had left.

Everybody is a little bit nutty and has imperfections. OCD is not your entire life. OCD is but a small part of your life. OCD does not define you. Keep moving forward and if you have not seen someone for it maybe an OCD specialists could help. It has made a world of difference for me

Take care

EddyJ

missobsessive · Post by **missobsessive** » Wed Apr 07, 2010 11:37 am

Eddy,

I printed your response and am going to read it to myself like everyday.

I just read Bacteria's response to your post about not being scared of the thoughts is scaring you, and both of the posts literally made me get teary-eyed.

I felt like I was losing hope, but I know that I have been allowing this to torment me much more than I should be. I guess I doubt how much power I actually have over my own mind.

Unfortunately, I do not have any health insurance, and therefore can't afford to so see a specialist

. I'm happy for you that you are able to do that, and that it is helping you so much.

I know when people first meet, they usually don't immediately point out their 'issues,' flaws, or imperfections. I just feel like at this point, this whole thing has such power over me, I really do feel like it defines me. Or it has been defining me for the past year or two.

I have suffered from the SCARY obsessive thoughts of hurting myself, hurting other people, going insane. I remember even seeing the word 'institution' was too much for me to bear. But all of those thoughts have faded. I can watch all those scary movies again, watch the news, and not freak out over it.

I feel like now my mind has moved on to other topics that are actually happening in my life, and blowing them WAY out of proportion, but keeping them 'realistic' enough (in my mind

) to keep me wondering. It's very sneaky like that lol.

I believe you will move past these scary thoughts, and will be ok with the fact that they no longer scare you. I bet you'll look back on them and think "Wow, I remember when I was terrified of that 'happening', ha ha!" I can do that now. With the scary thoughts at least.

It's like my brain has realized that it can't fool me with the scary thoughts anymore, so it's going to move on to more 'realistic' ones about things that are happening in my life to try to throw me for a loop.

My dad told me to give it a name, so I can bully it back like a person lol. My friend and I named my OCD Olga. So now if I don't feel good, I can just say "Olga's acting up again."

Or "Oh it's just good ol' Olga trying to blow sh** out of proportion again." Ha, maybe that'll diffuse some of it's power. You should try it! Name it Frank or something. Maybe I'll start that thread...everybody name your pure-o thoughts :p.

Well, thank you so much for your advice. You are a very helpful and encouraging person to have on this forum!!!