Doormat Syndrome

Irenesdream · Post by **Irenesdream** » Wed Feb 13, 2008 3:13 am

Hello, I am new to this forum, a friend who calls me for support told me about it and from what I read it feels as if I've finally found a place to get some help.
I've always been accused of being to assertive and scaring people off, so after beginning my recovery/healing process WAY back in 1989, I have tried to be less abrupt and more kind in an effort to get my needs met.
Well, many years later, I feel like a doormat and I panic every time I have to confront someone who is literally taking advantage of me, from contracters who charge me by the hour, then lollygag around doing the job and then wanting to be paid to fix a poorly done job, to a person that works on my farm, who conveniently groomed her horse while working for me, then when my finances got tight and I had to cut her back, I had exchanged rent for her horse staying there in exchange for work, now she wants me to take care of her horse for free, while she works for someone else. Everytime I tell her that the arrangement is not balanced and that I need more, either more hours or more money to look after her horse, she finds a way to get something for nothing out of me! I keep finding reasons for her to be in the wrong, instead of staying focussed on what I need and insisting that I get it.
I am so easily distracted because I am afraid that I am wrong, I spend time figuring it out, over and over that it is costing me money and time to keep her horse. All because I am afraid to tell her that NO means NO. She is leaving in two weeks regardless, but I don't want to look after her horse for that period of time.
I haven't tried the program, but I've tried (started and not finished) so many things, I don't know if this program will work, not because it does not work, but because I don't know if I can make it work without letting myself be distracted.
She is going to be calling me and I feel afraid to even talk to her!

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Wed Feb 13, 2008 9:24 am

Hello Irene and fellow horsewoman!

I had been a doormat for most of my life prior to purchasing this program. I, too, thought I wouldn't find the time to commit to the 15 weeks, but I was working sporadically and made the time--it saved my life and I have learned so much!!! There is a lesson devoted to Assertiveness Skills and it really helps. Basically, learning to love and respect yourself is key to becoming assertive--once your self-esteem is boosted, (and only you can do that), you will see a change for the better in your life. You will learn to put yourself first without being selfish and making the decisions that are right for you and the manipulators will back off--probably just find another easy target!!

I hope this helps and you won't regret enrolling in this program!

Cynthia

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Mon Feb 25, 2008 5:58 am

Originally posted by Tigerlady:
Hello Irene and fellow horsewoman!

I had been a doormat for most of my life prior to purchasing this program. I, too, thought I wouldn't find the time to commit to the 15 weeks, but I was working sporadically and made the time--it saved my life and I have learned so much!!! There is a lesson devoted to Assertiveness Skills and it really helps. Basically, learning to love and respect yourself is key to becoming assertive--once your self-esteem is boosted, (and only you can do that), you will see a change for the better in your life. You will learn to put yourself first without being selfish and making the decisions that are right for you and the manipulators will back off--probably just find another easy target!!

I hope this helps and you won't regret enrolling in this program!

Cynthia

Hello Cynthia,

I appologize for not getting back to you sooner. Thank you for your supportive response to me desparate post!

I have to admit, I am still hiding in some respects of my life from situations where confrontation is necessary, however, I did find a way to end the horse/worker situation. I raised the rent and she left to pay more at another barn yet! I have a beautiful place, so it wasn't where she was, she was just mad she could not keep on getting something for nothing, no loss on my part.
The contractor, left and has not been back, I thought of doing several things, but have not been making time for it and YES, I do need to put my head to the task of making a change, and perhaps this is just what is needed.

I did however realise that sometimes my behaviour does come accross as abrupt and as if I think I own people, I know this is a self confidence thing, and again I know I have to work on it.

Regards

Deb

Thanks again.

Deborah

Mtnclimber · Post by **Mtnclimber** » Tue Feb 26, 2008 5:37 am

I've found the book "Boundaries" by Henry Cloud is very helpful in learning how to say "No". Becoming assertive and establishing boundaries isn't an exact science. All of us can go too far one way when we are trying to figure it out. It just looks like you went too far in the opposite direction in trying to control your anger. There is a more healthy balance, and none of us will ever be perfect at it, but you definitely don't want to stay in the "door mat" phase and that's why you asked for advice:). Hopefully this book will help you:).

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Tue Feb 26, 2008 5:48 am

Luvpiggy,
I agree, awesome book, that i have read more than once!!!
Irenesdream, i was a member of the doormat club for years!! It was like a sign stuck on my forhead, "wanna wipe your feet" step here! lol
But you dont have to be that way!!! The program helped me see, i could actualy say NO! and STOP! and I wont let this happen to me anymore! STay with it!!! Keep going! Find out just how much strength you really do have! Nelly