THANKS
LEARNING TO SAY NO!!!! PLEASE HELP
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HAPPYTOBEME
- Posts: 12
- Joined: Mon Jan 14, 2008 2:32 pm
THIS IS BY FAR SOMETHING THAT I REALLY HAVE A PROBLEM WITH AND I REALLY NEED SOME ADVISE ON THIS MATTER. I HAVE AN EX-BOYFRIEND THAT I KNOW DEEP DOWN IN SIDE IS NO GOOD FOR ME. HE HAS A DRINKING PROBLEM AND HE TRIES TO MAKE EVERYONE FEEL SORRY FOR HIM BY USING HIS SON AS AN EXCUSE TO WHY HE DRINKS. TO MAKE A LONG STORY SHORT HE IS JUST A VERY MANIPULATIVE PERSON THAT WILL MAKE YOU FEEL SORRY FOR HIM. I THINK HE KNOW THAT I HAVE LOW SELF ESTEEEM AND HE KNOWS WHAT TO SAY TO MAKE ME FEEL BAD. HERE IS THE THING. EVERYTIME I SEE HIM I GIVE HIM MONEY THAT I REALLY DONT HAVE. HE JUST WASTES MOSTLY OR HE WILL COME OVER TO MY APT AND EAT ALL MY FOOD AND GET DRUNK. IN THE END IM BROKE. ALL I DO IS FEEL BAD ABOUT MYSELF AND THEN I HAVE TO LIE TO MY MOM AND TELL HER THAT I WENT TO CASINO B/C SHE WANT TO KNOW WHY ALL MY MONEY IS GONE. I BLEW 200 DOLLARS THIS WEEKEND AND I HAVE NOTHING TO SHOW FOR IT AT ALL. WHY CANT I JUST WAY NO TO HIM!!!! THIS MAKE MY ANXIETY SOOOO BAD. I KNOW IN THE BACK OF MIND THAT HE IS USING ME BUT STILL I CANT SAY NO WHEN HE ASKS ME FOR MONEY. EVERYTIME I AM WITH HIM OR AROUND I ALWAYS GET THIS NEGATIVE VIBE LIKE WHAT I AM DOING IS NOT RIGHT. I KNOW THAT I AM LYING TO MYSELF. YET I STILL WORRY AND CARE ABOUT HIM AND HIS SON. PLESE HELP. THE ONLY TIME I AM AT PEACE IS WHEN I AM WITH MY MOTHER OR FRIENDS THAT I REALLY KNOW ARE MY TRUE FRIENDS THAT ARE NOT OUT TO USE ME OR DONT WANT ANYTHING FROM ME. I REALLY WANT TO STOP DOING THIS TO MYSELF. I JUST KNOW HOW? PLEASE HELP
THANKS
THANKS
I applaud your determination to create a better life for yourself. Thank God 
you have your mother, and others, on your side.
You have also done a good job of admitting what your role in the situation is: you allow him to speak to you in an unkind manner and you allow him to spend your money foolishly
. My advice is to be clear with him and your support system (like your mother) that you want him out of your life.
Put reminders around for yourself that this is what you want to do. (For example a note like: "I will stand up for myself." or "I will be financially responsible ."
Also keep any of your future interaction(s) as brief as you can--and honest,calm, kind and straightforward. If you have caller ID, don't pick up if you know it's him.
Use I statements that reflect some of the changes that you are making, and explain that he doesn't fit into your plans right now. (Don't believe any promises he may make that he'll change. That won't help you right now.)
It's probably not a good idea for him to be in your apartment either. Breaking up at his place or a neutral place would be better.
you have your mother, and others, on your side.You have also done a good job of admitting what your role in the situation is: you allow him to speak to you in an unkind manner and you allow him to spend your money foolishly
. My advice is to be clear with him and your support system (like your mother) that you want him out of your life. Put reminders around for yourself that this is what you want to do. (For example a note like: "I will stand up for myself
." or "I will be financially responsible ." Also keep any of your future interaction(s) as brief as you can--and honest,calm, kind and straightforward. If you have caller ID, don't pick up if you know it's him.
Use I statements that reflect some of the changes that you are making, and explain that he doesn't fit into your plans right now. (Don't believe any promises he may make that he'll change. That won't help you right now.)
It's probably not a good idea for him to be in your apartment either. Breaking up at his place or a neutral place would be better.
I will sing unto the LORD, because he hath dealt bountifully with me.
Psalm 13:6
Psalm 13:6
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HAPPYTOBEME
- Posts: 12
- Joined: Mon Jan 14, 2008 2:32 pm
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HAPPYTOBEME
- Posts: 12
- Joined: Mon Jan 14, 2008 2:32 pm
THAT IS ALSO WERE THE GUILT AND WORRY COMES IN.... I MADE A PROMISE TO HIS MOTHER THAT I WOULD BE THERE FOR HIM NO MATTER WHAT. MENTALLY AND EMOTIONALLY I CANNOT DO AT ANYMORE. I HAVE TO PUT ME FIRST. I ALWAYS WONDER? WHY IS IT THT YOU CAN SAY NO TO CERTAIN PEOPLE THAT MEAN GOOD TO YOU. BUT YOU CATER THE PEOPLE THAT TREAT YOU SO NEGATIVELY.....
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Susan Horrom
- Posts: 4
- Joined: Fri Jan 11, 2008 7:13 pm
happytobeme
sometimes people make us feel guilty not because of anything that we have done. But because as long as we are willing to shoulder the guilt they do not need to face themselves. All is does for us is ruins our self esteem and we are still left with the guilt. look at session 7 the respect you are looking for is your own self respect. every person must love themselves first.
sue
sometimes people make us feel guilty not because of anything that we have done. But because as long as we are willing to shoulder the guilt they do not need to face themselves. All is does for us is ruins our self esteem and we are still left with the guilt. look at session 7 the respect you are looking for is your own self respect. every person must love themselves first.
sue
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HAPPYTOBEME
- Posts: 12
- Joined: Mon Jan 14, 2008 2:32 pm
HappyToBeMe,
I wonder if looking into the subject of co-dependency will be helpful for you. A co-dependent relationship is one in which one person is excessively giving and one person is excessively needy in the relationship. The co-dependent giving person means very well and does have compassion, but the co-dependent giving person doesn't have good boundaries. The co-dependent giving person thinks they are giving to help the needy person and part of them is, but there is also an underlying motive of giving to get their need for self-esteem and value. It's a complicated issue, but when we go to give to others what we are giving should be really helping the other person. The next time you go to give-examine your true motives. Are you giving because it makes you feel like you have value? The fact is that you already have value. Your value comes from God and not because of what you do or don't do. Secondly, is what you are giving really helping the other person? It doesn't sound like it is really helping him. He takes your money and is irresponsible with it, and uses it for inappropriate purposes and keeps coming back for more without changing. This really isn't helping him or his son. It's enabling him to stay exactly where he is. Just tell yourself that you definitely mean well, but you are not really helping him or his son. I know it sounds mean, but you're probably hurting him and his son, and I know that's not your intention. Tell yourself that giving in this way is hurting him, and that's not what you want at all.
A third point is that his mother was so unfair to ask you to take care of him and his son no matter what. He is a grown man who needs to take care of himself. Loving relationships are about freedom. Relationships are gifts and not obligations. You are not obligated to stay with this man, especially when it is hurting your emotional health. It's not helping him, and it's not helping you.
Finally, don't ever underestimate the option of praying for someone as being the best way to give. I believe that you do genuinely care about this person and his son. You are a kind person, and this man is able to manipulate you because of it. How about drawing the line at prayer. You don't have to pray for them, but if you still feel a need to give and especially when you are trying to go cold turkey, I think only praying for him may be a good option. I know I don't know your religious beliefs, but the truth of the matter is that we must never believe that we are the only person who can help someone. God is the true rescuer. Sometimes He uses people to help bring about the rescue, but He most certainly would not want you to be hurt the way you are by being involved with this person. Give this person and his son to God, if you have religious beliefs. If you make this decision, don't sit around and monitor the situation. Really give him and his son to God and focus on taking care of yourself. I truly believe that when God asks us to give to another it should come from a place of love and abundance that He provides, and not from a place of scarcity and lack where we are being hurt by the person we are trying to help.
I wonder if looking into the subject of co-dependency will be helpful for you. A co-dependent relationship is one in which one person is excessively giving and one person is excessively needy in the relationship. The co-dependent giving person means very well and does have compassion, but the co-dependent giving person doesn't have good boundaries. The co-dependent giving person thinks they are giving to help the needy person and part of them is, but there is also an underlying motive of giving to get their need for self-esteem and value. It's a complicated issue, but when we go to give to others what we are giving should be really helping the other person. The next time you go to give-examine your true motives. Are you giving because it makes you feel like you have value? The fact is that you already have value. Your value comes from God and not because of what you do or don't do. Secondly, is what you are giving really helping the other person? It doesn't sound like it is really helping him. He takes your money and is irresponsible with it, and uses it for inappropriate purposes and keeps coming back for more without changing. This really isn't helping him or his son. It's enabling him to stay exactly where he is. Just tell yourself that you definitely mean well, but you are not really helping him or his son. I know it sounds mean, but you're probably hurting him and his son, and I know that's not your intention. Tell yourself that giving in this way is hurting him, and that's not what you want at all.
A third point is that his mother was so unfair to ask you to take care of him and his son no matter what. He is a grown man who needs to take care of himself. Loving relationships are about freedom. Relationships are gifts and not obligations. You are not obligated to stay with this man, especially when it is hurting your emotional health. It's not helping him, and it's not helping you.
Finally, don't ever underestimate the option of praying for someone as being the best way to give. I believe that you do genuinely care about this person and his son. You are a kind person, and this man is able to manipulate you because of it. How about drawing the line at prayer. You don't have to pray for them, but if you still feel a need to give and especially when you are trying to go cold turkey, I think only praying for him may be a good option. I know I don't know your religious beliefs, but the truth of the matter is that we must never believe that we are the only person who can help someone. God is the true rescuer. Sometimes He uses people to help bring about the rescue, but He most certainly would not want you to be hurt the way you are by being involved with this person. Give this person and his son to God, if you have religious beliefs. If you make this decision, don't sit around and monitor the situation. Really give him and his son to God and focus on taking care of yourself. I truly believe that when God asks us to give to another it should come from a place of love and abundance that He provides, and not from a place of scarcity and lack where we are being hurt by the person we are trying to help.
Hello happytobeme.
You feel sorry for him and his messed up life that he created for himself. You can't make him stop using people; but you can make him stop using you, by not giving him another dime or letting him eat your food. Get a grip! Are you going to let him sponge off you forever? Take your confidence back and get this man out of your life. Let somebody else deal with it. You have enough on your plate already.
You feel sorry for him and his messed up life that he created for himself. You can't make him stop using people; but you can make him stop using you, by not giving him another dime or letting him eat your food. Get a grip! Are you going to let him sponge off you forever? Take your confidence back and get this man out of your life. Let somebody else deal with it. You have enough on your plate already.