I'm changing towards better and find it hard to deal with my partner.
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Guest
Hello Satu:
I am impressed with how well you are doing in applying the lessons to yourself and the progress you are making.
However, I doubt you'll be successful in changing another. You will read further into the program that it is impossibe to change another person. They must change themselves. Usually asking them to change is pointless. It often antaganizies them to do so.
But what you can do is continue to work on yourself. Go ahead and change what you feel need changing. That is not easy but it sounds like you are, indeed , making progress.
When your friend there sees the change in you, then he might like it and he may want to havae what you have found. But he'll have to do that for himself.
Sometimes, however. a partner will not like the changes in you. It happens. In that case you might have to make some decisions. But only cross that bridge should you come to it.
Please let us know how this works out for you.
And the best wishes for you!
Keep up the good work.
MJ
I am impressed with how well you are doing in applying the lessons to yourself and the progress you are making.
However, I doubt you'll be successful in changing another. You will read further into the program that it is impossibe to change another person. They must change themselves. Usually asking them to change is pointless. It often antaganizies them to do so.
But what you can do is continue to work on yourself. Go ahead and change what you feel need changing. That is not easy but it sounds like you are, indeed , making progress.
When your friend there sees the change in you, then he might like it and he may want to havae what you have found. But he'll have to do that for himself.
Sometimes, however. a partner will not like the changes in you. It happens. In that case you might have to make some decisions. But only cross that bridge should you come to it.
Please let us know how this works out for you.
And the best wishes for you!
Keep up the good work.
MJ
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Mello Nello
- Posts: 299
- Joined: Thu Feb 17, 2005 2:00 am
I concur with Cornflower. Good for you in changing. At the same time, we have to accept others for who they are, not for who or how we would like them to be. It looks like what you are asking your bf to do is not unreasonable, but it appears to be a control issue with you. You refuse to let it go if he refuses.
Assertiveness expresses who we are, our desires, but it is up to the other person to respond to us. We can't control that no matter how much we'd like to and trying to control the response will only drive people away. I've done the same thing countless times.
Assertiveness expresses who we are, our desires, but it is up to the other person to respond to us. We can't control that no matter how much we'd like to and trying to control the response will only drive people away. I've done the same thing countless times.
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Guest
Just keep working the program. It sounds like you may have some insecurity about how attractive you are which has to do with self esteem. Just keep working the program and that will improve.
I would say it's normal for guys to notice the curves on women. It's attractive and that's the way we are wired, to notice and recognize beauty. That doesn't mean we take it into the gutter with other thoughts such as imagining what those curves look like without clothes. For some guys it does, but for a lot of guys it doesn't. If my wife were possessive, meaning insecure about me looking at other women, and she asked me questions about what I noticed about another woman and this was characteristic of the questions asked of me on a regular basis, I'd get very tired of the questions as well. It implies a lack of trust, insecurity, on her part. If I hardly ever looked at other women, it would be very disappointing, discouraging, and to the point of being ridiculous.
Men are very different from women. Men are very visual in nature and in our society women in scanty or suggestive clothes are everywhere, on billboards, in ads, magazines, at the super market, you name it. I used to make fun of it to my wife and tell her that men needed equal time to show up with just shorts on, ripped upper body muscles, and nice abs in the same media with a bulge in the shorts to show women how it feels to be bombarded with sensory images everwhere you turn. She just laughed at me. It is a bit ridiculous in my opinion, the amount of sexual content in our media.
Just because we notice curves doesn't mean anything. If I see an attractive car, like a red '66 Mustang or a canary yello '65 Corvette, I look at it to admire its beauty as well. I might even stare at the car.
I had a girlfriend in college who was very insecure. She would ask me constantly if I loved her. It got very old very quick. I didn't want to go steady but she did. Being the people pleaser I was, I gave in to her. Being insecure and possessive doesn't work well in a relationship. It drives the other party away from you instead of drawing them closer to you. It is a form of control and no one likes to be controlled. I eventually broke off the relationship.
On the flip side of the coin, I was insecure and possessive with my first girlfriend in high school. I drove her nuts at times. If she talked to another guy or was involved in a school activity with other guys I would try and find out if anything was "going on". I was jealous a lot of the time. This comes from insecurity and low self esteem. What works is good, positive thoughts and trust in your partner, plain and simple.
Thinking well of ourselves, healthy self esteem, must come from inside of us, not through a romantic relationship. Self esteem must be internally generated, not generated from an external source. To base it upon an external source, such as a relationship, makes us puppets or yo-yos to the ups and downs of the relationship. It simply doesn't work well. It appears this could be the case in your situation? You are up or down depending on how you perceive your partner responds to you?
I would say it's normal for guys to notice the curves on women. It's attractive and that's the way we are wired, to notice and recognize beauty. That doesn't mean we take it into the gutter with other thoughts such as imagining what those curves look like without clothes. For some guys it does, but for a lot of guys it doesn't. If my wife were possessive, meaning insecure about me looking at other women, and she asked me questions about what I noticed about another woman and this was characteristic of the questions asked of me on a regular basis, I'd get very tired of the questions as well. It implies a lack of trust, insecurity, on her part. If I hardly ever looked at other women, it would be very disappointing, discouraging, and to the point of being ridiculous.
Men are very different from women. Men are very visual in nature and in our society women in scanty or suggestive clothes are everywhere, on billboards, in ads, magazines, at the super market, you name it. I used to make fun of it to my wife and tell her that men needed equal time to show up with just shorts on, ripped upper body muscles, and nice abs in the same media with a bulge in the shorts to show women how it feels to be bombarded with sensory images everwhere you turn. She just laughed at me. It is a bit ridiculous in my opinion, the amount of sexual content in our media.
Just because we notice curves doesn't mean anything. If I see an attractive car, like a red '66 Mustang or a canary yello '65 Corvette, I look at it to admire its beauty as well. I might even stare at the car.
I had a girlfriend in college who was very insecure. She would ask me constantly if I loved her. It got very old very quick. I didn't want to go steady but she did. Being the people pleaser I was, I gave in to her. Being insecure and possessive doesn't work well in a relationship. It drives the other party away from you instead of drawing them closer to you. It is a form of control and no one likes to be controlled. I eventually broke off the relationship.
On the flip side of the coin, I was insecure and possessive with my first girlfriend in high school. I drove her nuts at times. If she talked to another guy or was involved in a school activity with other guys I would try and find out if anything was "going on". I was jealous a lot of the time. This comes from insecurity and low self esteem. What works is good, positive thoughts and trust in your partner, plain and simple.
Thinking well of ourselves, healthy self esteem, must come from inside of us, not through a romantic relationship. Self esteem must be internally generated, not generated from an external source. To base it upon an external source, such as a relationship, makes us puppets or yo-yos to the ups and downs of the relationship. It simply doesn't work well. It appears this could be the case in your situation? You are up or down depending on how you perceive your partner responds to you?
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Guest
One of the harder lessons from this program for me is realizing the fact that just because I want to change doesn't mean everyone else wants to also. It has me questioning some of my relationships with people and am trying to except them for who they are and what they are, and not what 'I want' them to be. Some, unfortunately may fall by the wayside, but I see a more healthy way of relating to others this way in the future.
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Guest
Satu,
First of all - congratulations on your progress so far in the program. It sounds like you are making very positive steps! Good for you! I second the other posters in saying...KEEP WITH THE PROGRAM. It is great that you are learning to be assertive, but that is only one facet to the healing process...when you add on all the other skills, you will get the whole picture and things will begin to be more clear for you. You are doing great though.
I think you realized that your bf's anger issues began with your anxiety and self-esteem issue. Being assertive and asking for what you need (ie - I am feeling a little insecure now, could you give me a hug...or telll me how I look...or something) is different than asking questions based on anxiety. More than likely, your bf was experiencing some anxiety of his own - it was a job interview after all. More than likely he did not notice the interviewer except in passing because he was proably ofcused on getting a job! I mean - how would it look to an interviewer if her potential job candidate was staring down her blouse. Now way would she hire him!!! And even if he noticed that she was attractive or whatever - it's more of a visual thing like Don was saying. Woman take the visual and connect it immediately to feelings and emotional content. Men generally don't do that! They see it - they register it - good, bad, pretty, not so pretty, whatever. It's not that big a deal to them as it is to us...in most cases...and I'd say a job interview would be one of those cases!
You can't change him. You need to focus on you and your being less affected by not only his reactions, but your perceptions of what his reactions MIGHT be. That is not reality. He didn't come out of hte interview saying anything about her appearance, and neither should you...it will only cause a problem where one does not exist. That is the part where I am saying you need to focus on you.
Being assertive is great! And you are getting that down pat for sure! There is a session on obsessive thoughts that will help you. Session 12 deals with changing and I think you will get some big revelations in that one too.
I think Don hit the nail on the head that this is a control issue for you. You are assertive. You are growing and learning to cope with your anxiety, but you may be trying to use your new skills to control a situation to where it is comfortable for you. We can not be comfortable in every situation. But we CAN learn how to properly deal with and behave in the situations which make us uneasy.
You are on the right track - keep up the good work! Stay with the program!
Blessings,
Dawn
First of all - congratulations on your progress so far in the program. It sounds like you are making very positive steps! Good for you! I second the other posters in saying...KEEP WITH THE PROGRAM. It is great that you are learning to be assertive, but that is only one facet to the healing process...when you add on all the other skills, you will get the whole picture and things will begin to be more clear for you. You are doing great though.
I think you realized that your bf's anger issues began with your anxiety and self-esteem issue. Being assertive and asking for what you need (ie - I am feeling a little insecure now, could you give me a hug...or telll me how I look...or something) is different than asking questions based on anxiety. More than likely, your bf was experiencing some anxiety of his own - it was a job interview after all. More than likely he did not notice the interviewer except in passing because he was proably ofcused on getting a job! I mean - how would it look to an interviewer if her potential job candidate was staring down her blouse. Now way would she hire him!!! And even if he noticed that she was attractive or whatever - it's more of a visual thing like Don was saying. Woman take the visual and connect it immediately to feelings and emotional content. Men generally don't do that! They see it - they register it - good, bad, pretty, not so pretty, whatever. It's not that big a deal to them as it is to us...in most cases...and I'd say a job interview would be one of those cases!
You can't change him. You need to focus on you and your being less affected by not only his reactions, but your perceptions of what his reactions MIGHT be. That is not reality. He didn't come out of hte interview saying anything about her appearance, and neither should you...it will only cause a problem where one does not exist. That is the part where I am saying you need to focus on you.
Being assertive is great! And you are getting that down pat for sure! There is a session on obsessive thoughts that will help you. Session 12 deals with changing and I think you will get some big revelations in that one too.
I think Don hit the nail on the head that this is a control issue for you. You are assertive. You are growing and learning to cope with your anxiety, but you may be trying to use your new skills to control a situation to where it is comfortable for you. We can not be comfortable in every situation. But we CAN learn how to properly deal with and behave in the situations which make us uneasy.
You are on the right track - keep up the good work! Stay with the program!
Blessings,
Dawn